Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

I raised a free-range child.  She has gone into stores alone since she was 8 or 9, took trips with friends' families that I knew when she was in first grade, rode the local streetcar down our mountain to get ice cream when she was 12.  From the time she was 2 years old, we were preparing for her independence.  When she said "I can do it," I usually let her show me.  We had extensive discussion and teaching about abuse and personal safety. 

We have traveled extensively, and she feels safe and capable in every city we've visited.  She navigates well on foot and when driving (she is 20 years old now).  She makes her own standards for herself and is a responsible, high-achieving college student. 

I applaud the mom who sent her son home with a subway map and $20.  She knew his capabilities, he was willing and ready, and she let go.  I have visited New York City many times and would have done the same with my daughter, had she grown up there.  It was daytime, there were lots of people everywhere the boy went, and my experience has been that people will unfailingly come to the aid of a bullied or abused child. 

Wow,
 This is somewhat ironic that this topic was on the show. At the beginning of september my University Children's Studies class discussed this exact case. Now, we are up in Canada and we heard about Lenore sending her 9 year old son on the subway in our local Toronto News Paper. As a class these are the arguments we came up with for both sides:

Over Protective Parents "9Years old is too young"

- 9 year olds lack the skills to deal with unexpected situations

- childern are vulnerable

- parents fear how they will be seen by other adults if they let their 9 year old venture off on their own

- parents believe that some independence is O.K. for instance making their own lunches, and domestic chores.

- 11 is old enough to start taking the subway by themselves

Give Freedom "9 is Old Enough"

- 9 year old have the skills to deal with unexpected situations

- children need to develop independence

- this allows children to exercise responsibility and independence

- participate in what is considered normal in that specific culture

- parents fear children's vulnerability exagerated

- parents feel there is a a false sense of safety wihin the community

- letting the child take the subway themselves helps the child to develop confidence.

Now currently we are discussing what childhood is defined as and that childhood is basically controlled by adults. If I was to ask you, how many of you actually listen to your children's voice? I don't just mean listening to your children complain or bicker but actually listen to their concerns or thoughts. Barbra Colorroso said that there are three types of parents: 1. The Brickwall- not willing to listen to anything the child has to say; 2. The Jellyfish- Don't care what their children do; 3. The backbone- willing to listen and compromise. Now some of you may say ... what does she know she's not a parent but I will be at some point in my life and I believe that the backbone is the type of parent I would be.  I would compromise with my child. Now sure I wouldn't go to the extreme right away of letting my child take the subway on their own but i would start with baby steps i.e. walking to school, walking to a friends house. The way I was raised, I let myself into the house, locked the door when I got in, called my neighbour down the street to let her know i was home, and called my mom or dad. I made my own snack, and did my homework. Parents don't hover over your children. Let them explore the world in a safe environment  that you have created.  

Let me know what you think

Christine

Ontario, Canada

I can't tell you how to trust. I don't even know how to do that, but that spans my entire life, not just my kids. Knowing the nature of your children allows you to learn how to deal with them. In other words, to know their quirks and tell-tale signs when they lie or are being other-than-honest. I can tell you (not to get religious on you) that we are all basically born with an Adamic nature, meaning that we all are born to lie. We do it as a defense mechanism to avoid consequences and getting into trouble. Some kids figure out that to stay out of trouble, you either don't do things you feel you have to lie about, or tell the truth. As parents, we influence our kids to either degree. I know kids are going to be kids. They're going to be mischevious. I have tried, however, to teach my kids that giving me the truth the first time when I ask "Who cut the Barbie's hair off and stuffed it under the couch cushions?" means little scolding, versus getting repeateded lies or I don't knows. It's the lie that causes the most detriment for them which results in harsher punishment (no TV, no phone, etc.) It's not until later that some people either realize it's better to tell the truth, or they become very good at lying.

I have yet to find something that works to correct the behavior except to catch her in the act or the lie, but it changes nothing for the next time. If anyone figures it out, let us all know! Again, I can't tell you how to trust, but knowing that you're doing your best and making every attempt to make a change for her benefit wil hopefully work out for you.

Sad really.  This mother, still following her kids around,  still doing them no favors.  Show some faith.  Don't be so pathetic and dependant on your kids for attention.   They are kids, maby THEY need some attention, not just from you!  That is your downfall.  By Not doing the RIGHT thing, by NOT getting a life and letting your kids have theirs, you have not done your JOB as a parent. WHAT are they learning from your behavior? You DO NOT own your kids, you CAN NOT baby sit them forever.  Encourage them and tell them they are smart enough to make good decisions! You are not being the ADULT here.  Get it togather.  Clinginess is weak and shows you have no power, no confidence, no strength.  Let them make bad choices while they are under your roof.  She comes home late, big deal.  Sounds like a case of jealousy to me....  or do you just need something  to bitch about.  This is just the beging, You have gone too far, for too long, she may not forgive you before she gets even, that's the plan you know.  Then what?