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Topic : 11/27 Extreme Moms

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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 01:14:58 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 09/29/08) Parents: Is it better for your children if you're a helicopter mom who hovers over them, or a hands-off mom who allows them to learn independence? This hot-button topic has sparked debates across the country. Lenore is a mom who says kids need more freedom so they can learn to survive in the world. To prove that children are more adept than most parents think, she left her 9-year-old son, Izzy, in a New York City department store with $20, a subway card and a map. Was he able to find his way home safely? Some moms, like Maria, say Lenore's actions were extreme. Maria, a mother of three, says she's constantly hovering over her children, especially her 17-year-old daughter, Madeline. Is Maria doing more harm than good? You won't believe what Madeline has to say! Next, hear from Sarah who admits her 12-year-old and 8-year-old sons are almost never more than a few steps away from her, and comedienne Daphne Brogdon who says helicopter moms need to "let go and lighten up." Then, Dr. Jim Sears, co-host of the new show, The Doctors, weighs in with the biggest health risks of being a hovering mom. And, follow up with Ashlee and her mom, Teresa, who first appeared (link to: /shows/show/595/ on the show to discuss Teresa's overprotectiveness. Five years later, Teresa says Ashlee is a rebellious and rotten teen. Ashlee, now 17, wants to go to college and live in a dorm room, but her mom won't let her. Does Teresa have valid concerns for keeping Ashlee on a short leash? If you're a parent, or about to become one, you don't want to miss this show! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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criczu

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Angry

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September 29, 2008, 3:37 pm PDT

Take off the blinders

To the hands off mom, I hate to break it to you but life isn't as happy and sugar coded as you may see it! I sincerely hope you sit down and consider how you would handle it if something happened to your child. Could you honestly live with yourself? I have lived in this community for over 8 years and everything seemed fine and dandy then as we just found out this weekend, while a mother let her children go play in the toy section of a large chain store (honestly, who as mothers havent?) only for BOTH of her children to be sexually molested! Who would have thought letting your kids go play in the toy department, something like this would happen, BUT THE WOLRD ISN"T as safe as you make it out to be

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sweetie314

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sad

September 29, 2008, 3:38 pm PDT

I am a teenager - extreme moms READ THIS PLEASE

Quote From: ntramos

I was always with my kids, I took them everywhere, they loved it when I joined them to go to the movies or wherever. We were always a family, and I as a mother, constantly gave my kids hugs, kisses, and told them how much I was proud of them, how much they meant and how much I loved them. To this day, they are mature grown adults with very good careers and life. I have no regrets being there and always asking questions about their friends, their school, their teachers, I wanted to know as much as I could, and at the same time, they liked it because they think I am a cool mom, and I am always there for them and I listen to them.

I disagree with the mom who let her young son go on the subway by himself. She should thank God that nothing happen to him, and she should never do this again.

As for the other mom always peeping in and watching them, GO FOR IT, as long as it does not interupt their lives, and they do not mind.

Nancy

Cleveland, Ohio

Hi there everyone! I just really wanted to stop in and let all you 'emtreme moms' know that if you love your child please for not only their sake but your families sake know that you have to let go a little. And of course it depends on the situation but by a little i mean A LOT. My mom was always very over protective when i was younger and we constintly got in verbal arguments and even physical fights at times. Sure, i was a little kid (and not saying i was an angel child) but I am now seventeen and our family is a complete mess. I have tried numerous times to talk to them about becoming a real family (by that i mean talking without fighting and doing things together like movies or even just playing cards) but it seems no matter what i did (with help from a school counsler even) everything was always my fault in the end. I don't know if you watched todays (9/29) episode on emtreme moms but DR.PHIL IS RIGHT!! After all these years i just gave up and eventually stopped talking to both my parents and sister alike because i felt i was so sick of fighting and crying and being angry that i was better off not talking at all. So now here i am, seventeen, and i got into some big trouble involving alcohol and drugs and yes.. (the parents worst fear) sex. I didn't get pregnant or anything but did make some bad choices at a party one night (that i lied to my parents about. OH and from a teenagers point of view... TEENAGERS WILL PARTY! I don't think parents understand that it doesn't matter if your kid has a 4.2 or a 2.4 GPA kids want to have the experience of parties. No matter how much you watch over your kid, THEY WILL GO TO PARTIES. But if your like one of my friends moms who is more of a 'hands-off mom' my friend tells her mom every time she goes to party and that way she always feels comfortable to call her mom if she is put into a bad situation at that party. Anyways back to extreme moms, I'm not blaming all my actions on my parents but I AM saying that it would have been nice to just have them there to talk to in the first place. Ughh.. i could talk about this forever but PLEASE over protective moms out there listen to me as if i were your child... "I do love you and i want you to be in my life when i grow up but i also don't want to be afraid to talk to you about things. Please give me space in life to liVe!! The closer you pull me to you, the farther i want to be from you. So please mom, let me go a little. Yes, I will get into trouble but in times of need i want you to be my place i run to... not the place i run away from."

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mtbenneni

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September 29, 2008, 3:41 pm PDT

It isn't the end of the world

Quote From: ucmelqqk

I am a mom who's had her own share of mistakes and learned from them. That being said, I have always been open to my 17 year old daughter. A very trusting mom (my husband says I was too trusting). Always believing she had learned from me the "right" and "wrong" things to do.....when I allowed her to stay at a friends house (who we've known for quite some time) or allowing her to go visit friends after school (she's been driving over a year now), the only things she learned was how to lie to me (some thanks to her wonderful friends), how to sneak and do things you're not supposed to do......sex, drugs, smoking......needless to say, she ended up arrested at 17 and in Georgia that's ADULT AGE. She says she's learned from her bad decisions and I try desperately to trust again but do not know how. I have GPS in her phone and God help her if she doesn't answer it. She's on probation and I have made her completely responsible to pay the court costs and probation fees. She's a senior in high school works part-time, pays for her own gas. I am hoping that she's learning how hard it is to be a grown up and be responsible. Needless to say, her actions have set me up to be absolutely hovering over my 8 year old daughter. Trust isn't in my vocabulary anymore and now I think all kids are liars. Kids do not realize that for the parent that does trust their kids and then the kids go down a wrong path, it is so very hard to trust again. My 17 year old daughter calls me psycho too. She just doesn't realize its her actions that brought me to this point. So Dr. Phil, how does a parent get past something like this?

Life goes on. There is so much temptation in the world to not do the right thing. Just because you give someone life does not mean THEY are going to live the way YOU want them to. Jail? Big Deal. That's good for her. God help her if she doesn't answer her phone? You don't own her. She does not have to do anything you say. I think she knows that. You need to know... Being the dictator is not going to help you now. Hello !!! She has the rest of her life to disappoint you, be stronger. The younger one is watching all this, you need to teach your kids they DO know how to make good choices, period. Not trusting them - how can they trust themselves? Bad decisions are part of becoming an adult. Parents sabatage their kids because a part of them does not want their children to become adults, that's not productive... Trust is a funny thing. What is trust? Why is that so important? Trust your kids, why do you need to trust your kids? Be thankfull you have kids. So they are dissapointing sometimes, you were too.

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mtbenneni

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September 29, 2008, 3:55 pm PDT

And...

Quote From: KathySue

And how is this 9 year-old child supposed to protect himself from a pedophile? Even teen-agers get abducted. We're not living in a fairy tale world. We're living in a world full of pedophiles and sex offenders. People need to wise up!! It doesn't just happen to "other people".

Pedophile, sex offender? Come on. You can live in fear or live fearless. Be prepared, not scared.

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pathebunny942

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Happy

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September 29, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT

extreme moms

I am the mom of a happy and well adjusted 20+something male. I was once the 'hovering' mom but as a divorced mom of an only child, I had to make some serious decisions. It was tough love, and tough consequences if needed. My only son was about to embark on entrance to a top-five party college and I had to give him the space and freedom to become a healthy, productive citizen of society and I had to let go. I was the mom and the dad, paying the bills and I had to make all the tough decisions so my son and i had a contract. In the end, I allowed him to move away from home, attend a notable and highly favored college but under the agreed upon terms of education and finances. He not only proved himself, but exceeded expectations and is now married, has a home and is a business analyst at a major company in Atlanta. Trust me, it can be done. It calls for tough love, trust and deliverance.

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spirits

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September 29, 2008, 4:13 pm PDT

Extreme Moms

Dr. Phil,

To coin your phrase, 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?' I'm enraged that you agreed with the mom who let her 9 year old be on his own in New York!! What were y ou thinking? I'm 47. Things were safer when I was a kid. No problems with playing unsupervised in a park as a 9/10 year old. In 2008, this is insane. She didn't even flinch when hearing that there were over 300 child molesters within a mile radius of where she left her son. Why didn't you 'pound' this into her? Children are our future and precious. Honestly, her actions are negligent, let alone insane. This story could've been totally different, which you very well know. Child abduction only takes a few seconds. Sure, her son has the ability/skills to find his own way. However, how good are his abilities if hauled off the street?

I believe you've had John Walsh on your program. How many more Sean Holembecks, Elizabeth Smarts do parents need to get the message? I'm sure this mom loves her son; however she's endangering his life as well as potentially putting her family through the potentially hellish loss of her son.

If I've my rabbit with me, I bring him home prior to going shopping. He's my life and I could never risk losing him. With a dog, I'd never leave him/her tied up to a post while going into a store. If you love a living being, then let your actions demonstrate it.

On a show you recently did re leaving a child in a car. Again, your reaction was beyond my comprehension. A child should never ever be left alone in a car. Even if he/she is within vision. The parent isn't going to have eyes on the child at all times. If she thinks she's fast enough to run to her car to fend off a child abductor, she's got another thing coming.

Due to a hereditary syndrome, I chose to not have children. That being said, it's a parent's, and adult's job to protect the kids. Many times, I've asked a child if they are alone, where their parents are. I was a child care worker for 22 years. Had I let a 9 year old on their own, I would've justifiably been fired.

I do agree that over protective parents need to let go a little. I was raised to believe that I was incapable and incompetent to do anything. ( Very controlling mother-single parent) Take transit on my own at 9? Are you kidding me. At 10, I was forced to call transit for information on how to get to school. This alone was terrifying, as I had never been trusted/encouraged to do this type of thing. I got the info. and before I was out of earshot, she spoke with Transit to see if I had gotten correct information. Then she followed the bus to ensure that I was safe and that I got off at the right stops. ( don't know how long this lasted) And this was back in the early '70s. Indeed, it has taken years of therapy for me to have self- confidence and a good self-esteem. I've become a very strong woman. It would've been nice had I learned this from my mother; however, she did as she felt was necessary. It was crippling- afraid to do anything for fear I'd do it wrong= becoming a perfectionist, which I'm not anymore.

What bothers me the most, is that you were harder on the 'helicopter' moms. I don't comprehend. In my opinion, balance is mandatory. I hope you reconsider your position. Either extreme is a danger to a child's emotional well being.

Heather

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heatbham

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September 29, 2008, 4:14 pm PDT

Dr Phil...come on!

Today on extreme moms you brought back the over protective 3rd time guest again. Gave her the same advice, however I think today you were WRONG. This mom has every right to deny her obviously lazy, self indulgent daughter the privilege of attending an expensive college. Why should she pay tuition when her little princess is posting lewd pics of herself and sleeping in until noon every day? Yes mom was obviously an overprotective parent, however you have let the daughter off scott free. Do you think the mom should spend 50 grand a year to fund her daughter's 4 year self exploration when the daughter has done nothing to meet mom halfway? My feeling is that you only brought this woman back to say 'See what happens when you don't listen to Dr. Phil?" and not to actually help or listen to her.
This is not all mom's fault! Teens need to be held accountable too!

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etebx_lopez

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September 29, 2008, 4:16 pm PDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

As a father of a 13, 5 and 7 yr old I do my best to teach good decision making not do as i say. In 98 me and my wife lost our only daughter and we faced many freinds who said we should not let our oldest do this aInd that. I do see the fears that these women see but I am secure on the lessons I have taught my son. M two oldest sons are GATE students (gifted) which is more than I believe they could learn at home

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freesia83

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Angry

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September 29, 2008, 4:23 pm PDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: KathySue

I am so very sorry that you were molested in your own home! That never should have happened. But what I'm trying to say is there are also pedophiles out on the street, living in our neighborhoods, and riding the buses and subways. Why take unnecessary chances? Is your child's life worth risking?

Sorry, but all this mentality does is breed fear in people, especially kids that are very impressionable and are forming their own sense of independence. My folks never lied and said there are always people out there to hurt you, but that doesn't make all people bad. That was why it was so important to be careful and to exercise common sense and good judgment which are traits that are essential to forming self reliance and independence. Life is too short to be living in fear, and it also is a very unhealthy way to live.

Also, the pedophiles and offenders that parents need to look out for are not ones that hide in dark alleys but the ones that will take the time to groom kids and prepare them for molestation. You hear about those much more but the media tends to focus on the more dramatic cases, even though the snatch and grabs are rarer. Children can also molest other children too, so where do you draw the line?

Being constantly vigilant is smart, while constant fear is irrational.

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gmotherof5

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Touched

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September 29, 2008, 4:29 pm PDT

Responsible Independence

As the mother of 5 child, ages 16-39, I think that it's a parents' responsibility to help our children be the best that they can be. How this is achieved, is going to be varied, even among children in the same family.
It's important to promote and praise self sufficiency to give them the confidence to pursue their dreams. Having said that, you still have the responsibility to protect them from dangerous situations that they are not ready to handle. Part of that "protection" is teaching them how to handle dangerous situations so that they will be eventually be able to manage successfully on their own and having the wisdom to know when it's time to let them go forth on their own.

I have 2 children who attended college and have lived in Wash DC, 1 in New Orleans and1 in Chicago. My 16yr old has Type 1 Diabetes and as a senior in high school, is preparing to go away to college. Have I worried and do I continue to worry about their safety? Of course I do but I think that I have done the best that I can to prepare them and they were and are as ready as they will ever be to go forth on their own.

Sometimes, you have to push (making my 18yr old ask for a job interview), sometimes letting them literally fly on their own-around 16, all of my children flew on their own-and sometimes, saying no to your teen who wants to go out in a high crime area.

My mother was so overprotective that I ran away to get married-I felt that I could not have a life otherwise-my mother did not want me to go to college or leave her. I do think there is a middle ground between overprotectiveness and anything goes.

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