Topic : 10/02 Stressed Out to the Max

I just wanted to Thank you sooooo much for having the BMG on your show. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

I have been living in a very stressed filled home for about the past 3-4 years. A few years ago I became disabled and since then i have been trying to deal and cope with the fact of this happening to me. I struggle on a daily basis to function like i used to do, i struggle to walk,talk, and think clearly. I do not make it a part of our everyday life in home i pretty much keep what is going on with me to myself. I just dont find it fair to my wife and our son. They do see what has and is going on with me but i choose not to talk about it because I still have a verry hard time dealing with it. My stress is pretty much with my wife and our son, she works very hard, so she is not home much which leaves me to deal with our son(wich is not easy) he is extremly spoiled, and very disrespectful to me and my wife, but my wife seems to just let it go on and on. There are days where he is just nuts and me and the dogs just lock ourselves in a room till she comes home, or if I am able to drive that day i just lock the dogs in a room and just leave. She would rather let him do what he wants and give him pretty much what he wants to avoid a fight wich in turn i see this and i just dont get it or understand. I have told her many times it doesnt matter to me, he can pich a fit flop around on the floor whatever i will not give but she does and i am just in complete disbelief. (YOU CAN NOT GIVE A CHILD WHAT THEY WANT AND LET THEM DO WHAT THEY WANT AND EXPECT THEM TO COME OUT OK). My problem is that stress is having a in my opinion a horrible effect on my disability. It seems the more stressed i get the worse my symptoms become. I try to let it go and not be bothered when my wife and our son are fighting wich is pretty much every day until he gets what he wants. There have been many times i have heard and witnessed his abuse towards my wife and just simply have had to walk away and go to the garage or another room so i dont have to here it and many times just brake down in just total disbelief. I love my wife and son but the stress i believe is killing me (my opinion). The other day there was a issue with our son and my wife was not home and my son just kept on and on and this went on for 5 hours till my wife came home and i explained to her what was going on and it was like no big deal. My problem is it may not be a big deal to them but to me it is. You see because i am the one that is now paying the price for this. If i get to over stressed and i still cant figure this out, its as if someone just turned off a switch inside my head it just becomes even more dificult to function, it just gets overloaded and i just cant think anymore. I have never discussed this in detail with my wife, she or our son trully have any idea what i get to go thru after a time like this. I have allways been independent and try to do for myself so i have a hard time asking for help. So now after all the B.S. from the other day i am struggling to walk,talk or think. The pain is sometimes out of control and just brings me to tears alott. I guess the sadest think for me is my wife and son both see and know what stress is doing to me and choose not to stop! I dont understand why stress seems to magnify all my symptoms, but i can tell you its very painful and its not any fun!

Dr. Phil

This was a perfect opporunity to help lots of people with problems we all face with stress, but I felt you left out a lot of information.  I am a masters prepared RN with extensive personal and professional experience in helping people with chronic pain learn to deal with not only pain, but the causes of pain including stress.  One of the things I thought you should have addressed in this show was the obvious depression which these people were all experiencing.  The clinical signs - physical and emotional - were all very apparent and yet the only times the word depression was mentioned were in the nutrition segment and the pseudomention in the segment with Dr. Lawless when you mentioned the "depressive stress storm."  I think it would have helped to have you explain more about depression as it relates to each of these cases and how their losses, lack of resources - financial, emotional, and support system - has brought them to where they are now.  Yes, it is important to understand what is happening physically to them as a result of their stress, but they also need to have more information of the simple stress relievers you mentioned.  For example,  the blue man music, while very enjoyable was not what I would call relaxing or a stress reliever.  I think I forgot to mention that I have an undergraduate degree in Music as well as several graduate hours in Music Therapy.  When I worked with injured workers in the Chronic Pain Management Program it became very apparent that each individual had to choose precisely which music they responded to in a relaxing manner.  Many people have emotional responses to certain music because of past history as well as the various elements of music - tempo, key, dynamics, instumentation, lyrics, genre, etc.  It is important to become aware not only of your responses, but to identify why you might respond that way.  Each individual must determine which music is best for them and their own physical and physiological makeup.  Some people responded better to country western better than classical and that is due to their own makeup including experience.  It's very individual and they taught me that.  I know time constraints prevent you from going into great detail in a one hour show, but there was so much left unsaid that I felt confusion trying to follow everything.

I am very interested in reading Dr. Lawless's book and maybe that will help to clarify the points you were trying to make.  I suspect you were trying to make some very complex issues regarding stress understandable to the layperson, but only found it more confusing.

Stress is universal and unavoidable in our human lives.  Increasing eustress and decreasing distress is a great concept, but many of us no matter how educated must have it broken down in order to become aware of what's actually happening to us.  I think this is what you were trying to do, but it didn't quite come off as being cohesive and making sense as presented.  It was like jumping from one building to another and not knowing where you were or why you were going there.

I have had multiple stresses in my life including an adulterous ex-husband as well as loss of my career and financial security due to multiple back surgeries from an on the job injury.  I was fortunate enough to find a workman's comp program which helped me tremendously.  It is called a Chronic Pain Management Program.  I was fortunate enough to not only be in the program as a patient for 40 days but also transitioned my way back into the workforce by teaching and managing the program for my treating doctor.  I worked with people who were injured on the job who could relate to someone who had gone through similar situations because their support system could not understand what they were going through and was failing them.  Unfortunately, the codes assigned to this type of program are limited to reimbursement through Workman's Comp Insurance ONLY.  No other insurance prgram will cover it.  I can't tell you the number of people with chronic illnesses - Crons disease, Celiac disease, Diabetics, COPD, Arthritis, etc. who would love to have learned what the program offered, but couldn't afford the $1000 per day out of pocket expenses it took for a multidisciplinary team of Physcian, Physical Therapist, Counselor/Social Worker, and Educators  to operate such a program.  Our basic program was 20 days long (I was fortunate that due to the multiple heavy narcotics I was being taken off of, I was able to continue an additional 20 days.  Yes, you could also say I'm a slow learner too.  Probably my stubborn Irish sense of being able to take care of it all!) and most patients really didn't start "getting" it until about day 17 when you could visually see them having lightbulb moments right and left.  I'd love to see such a program out there for everyone because this basic type of information doesn't just apply to those in physical pain, but could also make people's lives much better no matter who they were or what their problems.  I don't know how to get it going.  Any ideas?

Don't get me wrong Dr. Phill,  I liked what you presented.  I just know that some of what was presented might not work for some people and there is SOOOOOO much more to it than what you presented.  I'd like to see you provide more detail in a future program.

Thanks for listening! and have a great day!

Marty Land

I have now been laid off after 10 yrs of employment.  Never believe a owner who states he can't  run the business with out  you.  "Younger, pretty and sexy" has proved to me that knowledge and  experience mean nothing any more.

Since last May I have had my 86 yr old father living with me.  He needs to relocate to a retirement home in Conn.  Waiting list are holding us up everywhere.  Age, needs, and family problems are no excuse to relocate sooner then the 1 1/2 yr waiting list. The elderly with only Social Security is putting many on the street.

Now I have to sell a home in a depressed market, praying that I get enough to move debit free.  For right now I can continue to pay the mortage and put food on the table but this wont last forever. 

How can anyone not feel stressed when all of us have simular problems with no answers in sight.

I lost my house to foreclosure... had an ARM that shot up over $500 and in the same month, broke up with long term relationship and father of my seven year old son.   I thought I would lose my mind with the stress.   Cried so many tears.   The feeling of helplessness was horrendous.... the feeling of failure..... I could barely function..... Thank God I still have my job.   Moved to an apartment... which ..... to me is a failure... never wanted to have to live in an apartment again... I am 47 years old....... .. My entire family all own homes, and no one has made the mistakes I have made.... so ..... I am pretty isolated..... Thank God for my church family..... and heavy prayer..... I don't think I could make it any other way.

It's been 4 months, and  still have boxes unpacked... I go to work, come home tend to my son as best as I can,.,..... I am slowly coming out of the depression.,.... slowly.................. 

I know her feelings.... and they are awful..... but.................... you can come out of it.... it takes time.  prayer helps.

Bless you, you are going to be ok.

We are also facing bankruptcy and possible forclosure if we can't work out something with the mortgage company.  We have been through our savings and retirement.  My husband hasn't worked much in the last 2 years and as he is self-employed and only knows how to do one thing, he hasn't been able to find another job.  At almost 60 years old, that just makes it even harder, when even the younger people aren't finding jobs either.  Luckily I have my job and I work at home so am doubly blessed.  When I first realized (or admitted to myself) that we were really in trouble and could no longer pay the bills I panicked too.  I have never missed or even been late with any payment in my entire life so it was quite a blow to realize I just couldn't pay what I owed.  Then of course, the phone calls started. I didn't want to try and dodge the creditors so I answer almost all of them.  I was quite surprised to find most  of them were very understanding and not at all rude as I had expected and heard that they would be.  I was constantly thinking about it and stressing over it,  trying to come up with some angle or solution and since I always had been able to find my way out of a problem, I thought I could this time too.  I finally had to admit that this is the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it.  What a relief!  I just decided to accept it and not worry about it any more.  I still get through every day just like the day before and know that I will get through tomorrow too, but the key is only to get through today.  I don't worry about when they are going to come and take the car, I just know that they will and I am grateful for every day I have it until then.  Same thing goes for the house.  I am grateful for every day I am able to live in it, but if and when the day comes that we can't live in it anymore, that will be okay too, and I will deal with that when it happens.   I am blessed to have wonderful kids and grandkids and other family as well.  None of them are in a position to help except to be supportive and loving, and that is really all I need from them anyway.  A house is just a house, it's not your life anymore than any of your other "stuff" is.  I think we should be grateful for what we have when we have it and when it's gone, be grateful that you  had it in the first place and remember that no matter how bad you think things are for you, there is always someone who has things worse than you do. 

The only way I know how to deal with all the stress that is going on today (and there is a lot of it for sure), is to accept whatever it is, if you can change it, then do it but if you can't then let it go.  After all, what's the worst that could happen if you don't worry about how you are going to live next week?  The end result is probably going to be the same whether you are stressed about it or not, so I choose NOT!