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Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Number of Replies: 954
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Created on : Friday, September 26, 2008, 02:43:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 10/03/08) It’s being called the ultimate form of child abuse -- brainwashing your children against an ex-spouse to win custody. Could you be harming your child emotionally and not even know it? First up, Ken is a successful surgeon who says he’s the victim of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). He says he hasn’t seen his 14-year-old son since last October and claims his ex-wife destroyed what was once a loving father-son relationship. Mel Feit, director of the National Center for Men, says Ken’s situation is a classic case of kids being turned against their father, but family law attorney Liz Kates says PAS is a phony tactic used by some men to get out of paying child support. What does Dr. Phil think? Then, Karen lost custody of her children after she was accused of parental alienation syndrome by her ex-husband. Karen maintains her innocence, so why were her parental rights terminated when her daughters accused her ex of sexual abuse? Plus, 19-year-old Demi joins the show via Web cam and says her father verbally abused her mother during their divorce. Now, she fears that her 15-year-old sister is caught in the middle. Find out what you can do if you’re caught between sparring parents. And, meet a father so desperate to see his young children, he kidnapped them from his ex-wife and went on the lam for two years. Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.


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September 27, 2008, 11:37 pm CDT

10/03 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Quote From: jules1965

One thing I NEVER did was bad-mouth their father to them, near them or even at all! It serves NO PURPOSE except to harm your own credibility!

 

I always figured it this way. I laid down and made these children and obvious I didn't do that alone.

So there was some 'attraction' or something for that to happen.

 

Why would I EVER let what might be my own personal opinion, harm the relationship between my daughters and their father.

 

I raised my daughters to be SMART and to make their own decisions and have their own opinions.

 

I figured that sooner or later they would draw their OWN conclusions without ANY input from me.

 

When my ex was over 7K in child support arrears and wanted to visit.......he visited regardless of my bank account.

I took care of my children very well WITHOUT that money and those girls saw me work 3 jobs for many years to take care of them.

 

I wasn't going to let a few dollars stand between my daughters relationship with their father!!

 

Fast forward, I have 2 mid-twenty year old daughters who have formed their OWN OPINION about their father. It isn't positive but HE did that on his OWN and I did NOT have to get involved!

 

Thankfully me and the ex were FRIENDS first and friends third.  We've always been able to talk to each other rationally.

 

I always thought that the MORE PEOPLE that LOVED a child the better off that child would be. Their relationship can be (and should be) a separate entity.

Thankfully I was able to do that for my daughters! They do appreciate the way they were raised as they have thanked me many times.

 

BTW, my ex hung himself with his behavior and now he has no contact with the kids. SAD FOR HIM!!

I try really hard to not bad mouth my son's dad.  Sometimes it does slip out.  However, my son is growing up and is realizing his dad's problems on his own.  He knows his dad has anger problems and is a recovering drug addict.  After all, he goes to the Kid allowed NA meetings.  I have mixed feelings on that one.  Maybe my son will learn from everyone elses's screwed up life to stay far away from drugs.  He knows his dad only owns to his name...two messed up cars and nothing else.  Here however, we have cars, own our home, he gets well feed daily.  He doesnt alway know if he'll eat at his dad's so I always ask before I take him over if he has power and food. Sad isn't it. 
But my son sees it for himself and I (unless I just simply lose it w/a panic attack) do not bad mouth his dad, because he is his dad and loves him anyway.
 
September 27, 2008, 11:45 pm CDT

10/03 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Quote From: jennylee

Parental Alienation Breaking The Ties That Bind is a good book written by Amy Baker to help understand some of these issues. It looks at the actual lives of children, now adults that were alienated by one parent. How the child, now adult handles the pas, the children's view point.
Thank you.  I will be looking for that book
 
September 28, 2008, 6:15 am CDT

Group For Estranged Parents

Two years ago we started a  support group for parents who are estranged from adult children.  It is surprising how many parents comes to our group because of divorce and the issue of parental alienation.  We have persons from all over the country (and world) who are dealing with this painful hurt.  We are trying to help persons start support groups in order to be in conversation with other Mothers and Fathers. We have a web site:  healingestrangedreltionships.org which lists some resources .  We have been in contact with people all ;over the U.S., Canada and Australia.  The stories are tragic.  The situation is on the increase and devastating to those involved.

 

Rev. Barbara Marcum

 

 
September 28, 2008, 6:39 am CDT

10/03 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

I too although looking back can see it was extreme emotion, but would have moved to another country to keep my then three young children from visiting their biodad.  I always told my boys that their biodad had problems and they should pray for him.  I did everything humanly possible to not speak at all about the ex-it did no more than raise my blood pressure.  I feel that him shooting himself, the law being called at least weekly to break up druken fights at his home, and also being stabbed late night in the bad side of town<okay hear you go Dr. Phil--doesn't take a brain scientist to figure that one out> The biodad hasn't seen the boys regular at all maybe 10-15 times in over 10 years; the younger two children don't even know that their biodad shot himself--so don't go telling me I've brainwashed anyone.  The oldest knows because unfortunately he was on the phone with his dad when the whole scene played out. Yes I could of lied to what was then around 9 year old child but at that point the child needed to know that mom was not going to lie to him and tell him straight - to sugar coat anything at that time would be setting the child up for many more heartaches.

 

Warning here-- as we all know not everything is always as it seems-there are lots of reasons some of these deadbeat dads want to claim this--sometimes the other parent who has accepted the responsibility has to protect the children-at whatever cost it takes.

 

Oh by the way I received the invite to be in your audience and would love to accept ;however,  being the single parent with three great children-oldest is a Junior in college-middle is Sophmore in High School-and youngest is 13 in 8th grade, I don't have the funds to arrange that.  Yep you guessed it the biodad does not, never has and probably never will pay child support - hey that's what being a deadbeat dad is.  And the boys and I have accepted that; yes some may say that is not good for children I say ,"Would you have rather the children been in the car the night he was stabbed or at their dad's home asleep and left alone or left along the path with the shady characters that having this type of problem brings around?"

 

No it's not a perfect solution--it took two to bring MY wonderful boys in the world but it has only taken ONE to raise them into what they are today--we don't live in a perfect world.  I would put the boxing gloves on in a heartbeat if the biodad tried to come back for visitation after all these years but reality is he doesn't want to he really just wants to sit around and try to make people feel sorry for him, and play on people's sympathy that his exwife will not let him see the boys.

 
September 28, 2008, 7:17 am CDT

A very good book

Quote From: jennylee

Parental Alienation Breaking The Ties That Bind is a good book written by Amy Baker to help understand some of these issues. It looks at the actual lives of children, now adults that were alienated by one parent. How the child, now adult handles the pas, the children's view point.

Thanks Jenny, I have read that book and it has helped me understand the mind set of the parents involved. Yes you are right the rules are always changing and one can never keep up, but the one thing my grandchildren know is how much I love them and no matter what they try to do the kids know that I am there for them. We have had some very rough times of no communication but because I have always been so close to them they know I would never turn my back on them.

 

No matter how difficult it becomes I will not walk away from the situation.

 

Thank you

Winnie

 
September 28, 2008, 9:59 am CDT

Educate Yourself-For your Kids

Find out how the system works, and you'll see it's broken. It's all out there, compliments of your tax dollars.

Read up on Title 4D Funding. Find out how Billions of your tax dollars are spent.

Find out who your local Family Court Judges are, and find out how they got their jobs. How many are former state employees that have a gifted position. Look into their backgrounds.

You may be shocked by what you find.

 
September 28, 2008, 12:52 pm CDT

GOING THROUGH IT NOW

My husband has been a victim of brainwashing for the last year.  His kids are now 8 and 5. Problem is that when his ex got together with a man from the internet, he decided that he was going to make them his little family. He had never been a father before and has completely taken over and they have completely taken my husband and his whole family out of the picture. It's awful!!!   They do not allow him to call or see the girls.  This man has taken over.  They are saying to the girls that their daddy doesn't want to be in the picture.  He is only able to send about $100 a month for support and that's because he is a server and doesn't make that much to begin with.  He supports two children from his previous marriage to her and he supports the two with her.  But the sad thing is, he is NOT A dead beat dad because of sending only that much a month.  He can't get a second job because he has a felony on his record and its hard for him to get a second job.  He has turned his life around like you wouldn't believe.  But he's not a deadbeat in my book. A deadbeat dad is one that doesn't want anything to do with his kids at all. He loves his kids and begs to see them all the time and talk to them all the time.  She won't allow him. She instead makes sure they believe that he doesn't want to see them.  This man she lives with, she is not even married to him, and has yet another child.  So she now has three different fathers for her four kids. She has a much older son that she had with a man that she never married.  The only person she did marry was my husband.  This current boyfriend, is allowed to act like the father and spank them and yell at them. He is a loose cannon.  It's a bad situation and she knows we don't have money to get an attorney - so our hands are tied.  It's horrible.  We don't qualify for legal aid because they count my income unfortunately. 

The system fails fathers too much!!!  They are made to be the bad guy because they don't get custody. Its not right. Fathers would get custody if more courts would grant the custody to them.

I think that we need to fix the system and make it more father friendly.

The kids are the ones being harmed and no one cares. We want what is best for them and the best for them is having both parents in their lives.  Dr. Phil I know you agree that both parents, should be in the kids lives.  You can't believe it's best that only one parent be in the life of children.  If a father is trying to send something each month and begging to see his kids, you can't tell me that is deadbeat.


 
September 28, 2008, 1:19 pm CDT

hurt for my brother

My ex-sister-law did this to my brother. She told their then teenage children lies about about my brother when they were going through their divorce. Now the kids are adults and they still won't have any thing to do with my brother. He tried for years to keep in touch with his children, and his cards would be returned unopened. His now wife would urge to keep on trying, finally she agreed it was hopeless. I know he is hurt. These kidsare old enough now to make their own minds up.  Years are going by and still no contact.

Corinne

 
September 28, 2008, 2:52 pm CDT

PAS is very real

To all the non beleivers  who say PAS doesnt exist, well my friends it hasnt happened to you or someone you love because that is the only way you can believe.  I myself never even heard the term until my children were already extremely affected by it.  That is one common theme in PAS,  the target parent may be in denial and does not nip it in the bud.  Also to all who believe that it doesnt happen to good moms, think again.   Family courts are not doing what is in the best interest of the child but rather what is the easiest path of least resistance to take.  Then, throw in a parent who has manipulated and poisioned the minds of their own flesh and blood and you have a winner take all scenario.  It saddens me that people still doubt that this insidious form of child abuse exists. 
 
September 28, 2008, 3:28 pm CDT

Wow! that hits home!

PAS- Wow they have a name for my parent's insanity?!? My parents were horrible- at first they would sway me- on the up side it got to the point that I just didn't care.... I don't care how horrible they are, I don't care about what they shouldn't have said, I don't care about the child support.... I would rather cut my ears off then listen to anymore!! The person who shuts up first wins!! 

However it never stopped hurting when my step mother would compare me to my mother....

 
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