I am now a single mother of two teenage children. A daughter 16 1/2 and a son 15 1/2. Their father left the household while I was terribly ill, suffering from an MS exacerbation and a surgery just 24 hours previous. He picked them up from school, dropped them off and told them "take care of your mother." It was a dysfunctional household, he is an alcoholic, abusive both mentally, physically and verbally. And he was what would be described by most of our friends and family not biased as a less than involved father in the children's life. He had little contact with the children once he left the house, this was of his own choosing. I took the children to counseling when I could afford it, then it became court ordered. The counselor was in our health care provider's, but "blocks" of sessions had to be requested by the subscriber before approved. My ex-husband stopped counseling and refused to acquire additional counseling sessions for him and the children as court ordered. Our children went without counseling for more than a year. During that time, he also stopped paying court ordered support payments, which resulted in a change of lifestyle for myself and the children. The word "no" became often the answer to the request of can I do this or can I do that. I am guilty of stating the reason why they could not do the things they were used to doing was because I could not afford it. They weren't little children and were more than aware of what was happening. At one point the father stated to the children that "his girlfriend, the woman he was having the affair with while we were married was living with him, he was supporting her, they planned on marrying and that if they didn't want to have anything to do with him he was done with them, he would cut them off."
I followed what the counselor told me to do, what my then attorney told me to do, the Magistrate, and the Guardians orders as how to handle situations. I did not bad mouth my ex to our children, rather I stopped making excuses for his behavior. Which was unbearable, as not only did he stop supporting the family, he would sporadically either call them and yell foul things at them on the phone or show up and do the same. The local police had to come to our home several times. A request for a restraining order was submitted, one had been approved before, but this time denied as the Judge stated "he has not done enough yet to warrant a restraining order." It was clearly in the request with copies of the many police reports, that I am wheelchair bound and unable to sufficiently protect myself and the children.
After each encounter, our daughter would become angered, destructive, and out of control. Our son, more quiet, he just wanted it all to stop. After a Christmas visit in December 2007, our daughter came home enraged, there was no calming her down, even our pediatrician at our daughters request had prescribed a mild anti-depressant as our daughter stated she could not at these times control herself. Following the visit with her father and his soon to be wife, after two days I allowed her to go to a friends house, just to get away from the whole situation and calm down. Unfortunately it was over New Years Eve and the mother had provided all the teenagers at her home with alcohol and left them outside in tents unsupervised. Our daughter drank to excess and ended up having unprotected sex with a boy of 18. I did not know, I just knew her general mood had changed when she came home. And then things really got out of control. She knew she was going to be punished when I found out what had happened, so she had called her father and told him what he wanted to hear, and they had hatched a plan that when the children were supposed to have their first over night visitation that she would go and not return to the home. She spilled the information, not about the trouble she had gotten in, but that they had planned for her to stay with him. She told me she was tired of not being able to afford to do the things she wanted to do. And later admitted to the police that she would rather stay with her father because he doesn't have rules and that I do. We had an argument that had become physical, resulting in her attacking me, the police were called once again and she was arrested. She phoned her father from the juvenile facility and once again told him what he wanted to hear. He had her released to his custody, and then the horrific scenario became even worse. Her friends would call me or email me or walk up to me at the High School and literally rat her out. She is an alcoholic, does drugs, has promiscuous sex with multiple partners. While living with me she was an honor roll student, now while living with her father she is failing out of High School and will not graduate with her class. And it is true, she gets what she wants, does what she wants as long as she does not have any contact with me at all. I get ominous emails from her "Dad told me the truth about you" etc. and followed by some of the most hateful language, she literally sounds like she is mimicking exactly what her father says. She has been with him, he lives only 30 minutes away, but I do not see her, do not hear from her, unless there is a problem. He has brought her to the house 3 times, only to insight problems, not for any kind of visitation. He directs her on how to act and what to do, the last time he stood by and watched as she keyed my car in the driveway. Both he and the children are supposed to be in counseling. I continue to take my son, but the daughter does not participate. Her father did take her to Gainesville where she was evaluated by two Adolescent Psychiatrists, they determined that there was a "problem" and that she needed further treatment and need to return. Her father did not comply, instead he bought her a punching bag.
I discovered in September, our son finally spilled a secret that he had been holding in since January, that once when I was at an appointment out of the house and they were home alone, she became enraged, grabbed our chef's knife and tried to stab him with it. She is a danger to herself and others, she needs serious help psychologically, and I believe she truly is a child suffering from Parent Alienation Syndrome. She knows that if she were to return home to me that he would cut her off, the State had to step in and garnish his wages for child support and alimony, at the time they did so, he had not paid any child support for 11 months and was 6 months behind on alimony. This made it extremely difficult to even pay for the medical attention our son needed, which he is also court ordered to pay for and does not. Our daughter is so confused, and understandably angry, that even if she did want to return home I believe she is in fear of doing so, and quite frankly with all that has happened I could not handle her here. I believe she needs to be in a treatment facility. As long as she is with her father this will not happen, he isn't concerned about what she is doing and whom she is doing it with, just as long as she isn't having any contact with me. I worry about her future, and the present. There is no one in this county that will do anything to help, I have tried, Social Workers, Counselors, Court, Law Enforcement. Basically I was told by the court "well you can lead a horse to water....." That isn't sufficient, this is a child that is ruining her life and no one seems to be concerned about what is happening, especially her father who rewards her for her poor behavior.
I was also a child caught in the middle of my parents divorce and my father tried and was successful for a short period of time in alienating me from my Mother, I know first hand what it is like to go through that, and the long term effects it can have. It is literally gut wrenching for me to watch my children go through the same thing and seemingly helpless to stop it, even though I have been awarded Physical Custody of BOTH of the children before AND after the Guardian's report.
The cracks in the system are enormous and seem to get bigger when there are people desperate for help.
(Original Air Date: 10/03/08) It’s being called the ultimate form of child abuse -- brainwashing your children against an ex-spouse to win custody. Could you be harming your child emotionally and not even know it? First up, Ken is a successful surgeon who says he’s the victim of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). He says he hasn’t seen his 14-year-old son since last October and claims his ex-wife destroyed what was once a loving father-son relationship. Mel Feit, director of the National Center for Men, says Ken’s situation is a classic case of kids being turned against their father, but family law attorney Liz Kates says PAS is a phony tactic used by some men to get out of paying child support. What does Dr. Phil think? Then, Karen lost custody of her children after she was accused of parental alienation syndrome by her ex-husband. Karen maintains her innocence, so why were her parental rights terminated when her daughters accused her ex of sexual abuse? Plus, 19-year-old Demi joins the show via Web cam and says her father verbally abused her mother during their divorce. Now, she fears that her 15-year-old sister is caught in the middle. Find out what you can do if you’re caught between sparring parents. And, meet a father so desperate to see his young children, he kidnapped them from his ex-wife and went on the lam for two years. Talk about the show here.
