Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

While I do believe that some parents tend to make desparaging comments about each other in front of the children during custody battles, Parental Alienation Syndrome is being used inappropriately in the Connecticut court system. First and foremost, PAS is not, and I expect never will be a DSMIV diagnosis. It is a term that was coined by a Dr. Richard Gardner who was a QUACK!!! This man ultimately committed suicide several years ago. The term makes it virtually impossible for a mother to protect her children against abusive fathers.

I was forced to spend over a hundred thousand dollars to defend myself against an accusation alienating my son against his father. The court totally discounted a DCF (Department of Families and Children) against the father for physical abuse and a police record for several counts of domestic violence with this current wife as well as with me. My son desparately protested going on visitation and there was nothing I could legally do to protect him. Coming from a divorced home myself, I followed my mother's example of never saying anything bad about my son's father in front of him or in earshot. I always felt that he would learn for himself...I did as a child and I totally respected my mother for that.

The ironic thing is that I had intercepted letters from my son's father to my son making countless desparaging comments about me.  Do you have any idea how it feels as a mother to not be able to legally protect your child against verbal and physical abuse at the hands of his father? It is absolutely heart wrenching. To have to tell your child to go and that everything will be alright when, in fact, you know that damage is going to be done? This occurs when a good mother is accused of parental alienation syndrome. We are in an era of fathers stepping up to the plate and father's rights...any time a father shows an interest, the courts are going to favor them over the mother regardless of the true evidence.

Dr. Gardner had nothing positive to say about mothers in general...in fact, called them "hysterical" when they become so desparate to protect an abused child. Furthermore, he had made some weird and disturbing comments about incest. Read his book.

My son is now 17 and away at college. He knows that I did not try to turn him against his father. He also knows that I did not protect him when he needed it. Fortunately, he survived and knows how hard I fought in court to maintain custody. The entire process did, in fact, have an affect on his self-esteem and confidence.

I think it is absolutely disgusting that the courts are permitted to use such a term so freely. It's not a medical diagnosis and it is being used as one. The courts should look at facts...not theories.

It is very difficult walking the thin line between teaching a child to be a person of good character, about honesty and integrity when they have a parent who has no morals and values. My ex-husband has told my college age son that he should try anal sex,he makes sexually inappropriate comments. I have received an anonymous letter stating he fathered a child when he was married to me. He has cut off our water, dental insurance, the children's cell phones and told my daughter two days before she went to college that he wouldn't pay for her college which he was contractually obligated to pay. He doesn't make a move unless he runs it by his men's group that is listed as a cult on a website. This man is a  narcissictic physician who has refused to pay anything but the baseline child support or any of the funds that he was supposed to pay us.  I spent $68,000 on an attorney trying to get him to face up to his financial responsibility. He was fired from his job for erratic behavior. A housewife of 24 years, I didn't sit around; I went to work to support my children but it is difficult starting a business at 48 and there have been times I haven't had money to eat. Had he lived up to his responsibilities, I would have had some funds to fall back on when my business was slow.

My question is this? How do you teach a young man to be a person of good moral character when that is his role model? I have had to send my youngest child to his home with a wife who lost custody of her own son and didn't even know it because she had moved out of the country without him. I sent my child because I know he needs his father but I was afraid he could be hurt. There are times I feel like I have to tell him that his father's behavior is inappropriate and quite frankly, there are times I have been so upset that I haven't been as circumspect as I should be. He has used the term parental alienation syndrome about me because his oldest two children , who are adults, won't have anything to do with him. 

I would love for my children to have a relationship with their father for their benefit, not his but he hasn't even given them a Christmas present in the last seven years. I believe his behavior has hurt my children. 

And what will happen? He has the funds to pay an attorney to make accusations about me having PAS while I don't have the money to take my children to counseling to help them learn how to handle all of this.

Dear Dr Phil, I can relate to parential allination. I am a victim of that. I didn't know what it was until recently. My youngest right now does not talk to me. I have done nothing to her. My oldest even said to me that I haven't done anything. No one knows how it feels until its done to you. These men that think only women do this is wrong. My ex has done this to me and still is. I have alot of things I could tell you about but it I wouldn't be able to type it all in here. It hurts enough making the choice to end a marriage without your ex turning your kids against one another. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Laurie Allard

Ontario Canada