Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Thank you Dr. Phil for exposing this abuse our children endure. It is so incredibly frustrating to watch the actions occur and to listen as others tell you it isn't.

My ex-wife has done the following:

- Told my son that she hates me and my mother.
- Told all third party organizations that I'm not allowed to interact with them
-- prompting many arguments from me with them and a few legal actions as well
- Convinced a child care provider to actively interfere with my relationship with my son
- Scheduled an early public birthday party during the years I was supposed to celebrated it after she heard I was planning the same
- Threatened to cancel visitation forcing me to call the police on more than one occation
- Regularly sends messages through the children
- Cancelled public events when I chose to be involved
- Refused to allow my children to spend time with me prior to a deployment to Iraq
- Refused to allow the child care provider from sharing letters I've written to my children while I was deployed
- Bought my children the exact same going away present I had planned on getting my children the week before I planned on giving it to them.
- Refused every request for visitation outside of the specific hours defined in the agreement.

Oh, I could easily go on. The question is, what will this behavior ultimately do to my 3, 5, and nearly 7 year old children.

My parenting plan for post divorce is simple. I AM a parent and I will parent my children in the fashion I feel appropriate. The time I spend with my children is family time they get to participate with my family. The time my ex-wife spends with them is her time and as long as she is not abusing my children, it's none of my business. (I will of course listen to my children if they wish to share.) Outside of that, I will be involved in every activity that my children participate in to the best of my ability. I am there for my children as much as I can be. And I'll bend space and time to make sure it is that way. I would perfer to have a cooperative relationship, but every attempt that I put forth is abused, so I cannot trust my ex-wife to have such a relationship. Instead, I fall back on the parenting model demonstrated in the book, "Joint Custody with a Jerk".

This is definately a social delima that needs help solving.

And just for an interesting note for you and your production staff. I'm watching this show on the original air date care of Armed Forces Network in Bahgdad, Iraq. Thank you greatly for providing your show to the troops. I greatly appreciate it.

"but these are still her children"

I think this has a lot to do with the "acceptance" of PAS and the unwillingness of persons placed in a position to promote change from acting on the issue. They are not HER children. They are THEIR children. Until we can move past the concept of ownership of children, we can not adiquately address this issue within society.

I am a child of a divorce. I am currently in the Air Force serving in Germany. I just saw the show this morning. I just wanted say that my parents have been divorced for almost 15 years now and they have NEVER said anything bad about each other! I am 23 now and my mom, dad, and i always have the same conversation about the divorce. They still LOVE each other and wish they would of worked things out. i could go into detail about the whole thing, but the short story is that my parents re-married and the woman that my dad is with is a total *itch! We have never got a long. i feel that SHE is the one who tried to brainwash my brother and I. She never has anything nice to say about my mom or my Dad's family for that matter! She has tried so hard to sever my relationship with my dad. Ever since i was a child, we (my step-mom and I) have fought and never really gotten a long. I am the middle child of 3 and the only girl. I AM DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL! i had to go live with my mom when i was 15 because it was so bad. Enough of that... Back to the brainwashing. My step-mom tried to turned my brother and i against each other by saying thing about my mom. She would say one thing to me and another to him and then we would fight. But we always went to my mom and asked her about things. The one thing that really hurt me was when she told us while we were living in Sicily, My dad is retired Navy, that my little brother Justin who was 6 at the time, was not my dads son! I was 11 and Ryan, my brother, was 12. we were devistated! but we pulled together and saw thru the hurt. I guess what i am trying to say is that its not always just the Parents, the Step-Parents can do it too! if you and your Ex are thinking of getting re-married, PLEASE think of your children and even if you may not want to speak to you ex, but you know that your children dont like the person your ex is dating, they need to know!

 

Ashleigh Rhoads

I am completely aware of pas, since it is happening to me  - alienation is probally more common against fathers, however it happens to mothers as well - my ex-husband is very controlling and warned that he would "get" our child for himself and he has succeeded - i have never badmouthed the father to my child, however he continually badmouthed me until our child was caught in the middle and was forced to be on his side - we were once extremely close, however my child now bad mouths me as well, makes false accusations against me and will not have anything to do with any family/friends associated with me -to destroy  a close, loving relationship between a mother and child by a jealous exhusband is definitely abuse - Dr. Warshak's book "Divorce Poison" has helped me understand how and why it happens plus possible remedies - i have lost my child without doing anything wrong and feel helpless to stop it

Any mom or dad who says that this doesn't occur either has his or her head buried in the sand of denial, or they are guilty of it themselves and cannot face what they are doing to their children. I am a divorced mom of 4 who cannot GET their dad to spend time/call/pay support with and for his children. I am been very very careful about what I say near my children--who have been with me solely for the past 11 years--and would LOVE our children to have a relationship with their father. They NEED a father~! I have seen many bitter mothers (AND fathers) be bitter in front of their children. This does NOTHING except confuse a child...This is the other half of who these kids ARE!!!! I DO BELIEVE THAT THIS IS A FORM OF ABUSING A CHILD, BECAUSE IT CUTS DOWN WHO THEY ARE, SIMPLY FOR WHO THEY ARE!

 

Child custody is probably the ONLY place on earth where a woman has a head up on the man. I have male friends who have had to fight simply to see their children...they pay their support, they do EVERYTHING the court asks, and yet they have to fight to simply have a relationship with their child. Since when does being a man make one a worse parent?

 

I am very glad that the media got hold of this after a nasty divorce/child custody case involving movie/TV stars. That's always the start for public awareness...it has to get in the news somehow!

 

The thing is--this is where there becomes murky waters. Judges, lawyers, etc. have got to be SO SO careful that this does not get used in a court battle unfairly as well. ANYONE can CLAIM parental alienation....but it should have to be proven. Undoubtedly proven.

 

I do NOT agree, however, that the child needs to be taken away from the parent doing the alienating. That's just compounding the problem. I believe that co-parenting classes should be mandated for both parents! And that the parents should have to learn how to parent TOGETHER, even though they are no longer in a relationship, themselves.

 

ANWAY, I had to speak my mind, as always. I WISH MY KIDS HAD THEIR DAD IN THEIR LIVES!!! I WOULD DO ABOUT ANYTHING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN! PARENTS NEED TO SMARTEN UP AND STOP HURTING THEIR CHILDREN.

 

Lori

In my case it was my father who took the brainwashing to the degree of abuse.  He took me away from my mother when I was 6 years old.  From the time even before I went to live with him he would tell me that my mother really didn't love me, that I was a burden to her, that she did not want to take care of me.  When she bought me presents he told me that she was trying to buy my love.  He turned everything into something negative.  It got so bad that I would get physically sick before the visitations with him, I'd cry and beg my mother not to make me go.  I had nightmares, and would wake up screaming.  After I went to live with him, he would yell at me and even hit me when I would say that I missed her.  He would be angry and physical with me if I said anything nice about my mother, but when I would say something negative he would become loving and happy with me.  I started making things up just to get his approval.  One year she sent me a Christmas present and I gave it back to her, that made my dad really happy with me.  Another time she sent me one of those Barbie heads, where you do her hair and makeup.  I loved that toy, but instead of playing with it I destroyed it so that my dad would be happy and not hit me.  He systematically set out to turn me against my own mother, withholding love unless I said bad things about her.  Because of the abuse, the beatings and the emotional abuse I have not spoken to him in over 12 years.  Ironically, the alienation that he practiced against my mother ended up coming back and biting him in the butt.  Sadly, I am also estranged from my mother since she is addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol and is unable to handle any loving relationships. 

Bless you for putting up with all of the nonsense this woman has done to you.

 

Bless you for NOT putting up with all of the abuse this woman has done to your children.

 

It amazes me how a mother can hurt her children purposefully, by not being able to seperate her feelings, and GROWING UP.

 

Keep being a dad, dad. Your kids will see it...it takes time...but they will see these things clearly, and on their own. Keep loving them and hopefully everything will turn out fine.

 

Good luck with a mentally unstable woman.

 

Lori

I do believe that children can be manipulated into the game that some parents play when going through a divorce, but I also think that at an older age the children can also pretend to be onesided in order to get what they want. When my husband and I were seperated and my daughter wanted to live with her father because she knew he would let her do whatever she wanted. At  the time she was skipping school with boys, lying and other things. So she would agree with anything my husband said. They were both using each other for selfish reasons.

At a young age and if both parents are living in the same household, don't both parents have control over how much time they are spending with their child? Each parent is responsible for building a relationship with their child.

I have lived thru PAS. SInce 1998 or before. My ex tried to basically erase me from their lives.He would repeat things to the point the children HAD to believe what he said. If the children would argue with him, they would be punished. This is a form of brain washing. You get rewarded for soing or thinking the way that the abuser wants you to. You get punished until you begin to think as they demand.

  For me, I am beginning to have a positive outcome.At least to some extent.

My now 17 year old daughter remembers EVERYTHING. And she calls it BRAINWASHING. My 2 youngest children, who live with their father now have begun to REMEMBER. They say it was my laugh, and that my laugh has sparked true memories. They BEG to come live with me now. They have told about the things that are now done to them as punishment for remembering.   But ask them.....they will tell you... I am lucky... They remember the truth.

And just a little note.......GO AMY..... she will be on soon, unless they cut it out!

Having watched this go on with my husbands children and his ex wife I have to say the effect it has on the children is not good. 
I only wish that some day we could get my husband and his ex wife on the Dr. Phil show. 
The lady that was on Dr Phil (the attorney) said that most of the time the stress and nastiness only last ofr a few years and that it is normal. No it doesn't.  In our case my husbands ex started alienation from the beginning of their divorce and it was working until my husband realized he had rights.  Our situation is different because the child that my husbands ex has worked on the most isn't biologically his child.  He married her when she was pregnant with that child because he was led to believe it was his child, but 3 months after their marriage while she was in jail she told him it was not his child.  He chose to remain with her, accepted the child as his own, had another child with her and unfortunately they divorced 10 years into their marriage.  That is when the battle began.  Mom and grandma both interferred with the relationship between the oldest and my husband, doing everything in their power to draw her away from him.  They shared numerous untruths with her (note nothing was done to the younger child) and did everything they could to sabotage that relationship.  Now she is in college and to this day it still is going on.   The snide comments, the untruths, the lies, statements about him being a terrilble parent and even telling her at a very young raw age and now continually that he is not her father all to lay guilt on her for feeling close to her father.   We have tried over and over and over again to tell her that all those comments that she lays on their daughter cause undo and unneccessary stress for this child. (who by the way is now a freshman in college) 
I agree so much with what Dr Phil says that in the long run the older the children get the more they are going to see the actions of the alienator for themselves and figure out what is right and wrong.  That is what has happened in our case but it doesn't stop her mom from making her feel awful or guilty about having a relationship with him.  Dr Phil it's so bad that when this child leaves our house and goes back home and is crying because she misses her dad, her brother and in general her family out here that she has to hide it.  She can't show that she is upset in front of her grandma or her mom.  That's sad.  All we want is peace for this beautiful girl.  If only we could get this on Dr Phils show.  Maybe hearing from him that the ex's actions are detrimental and wrong would open her eyes.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN who need these fundamental relationships to be able to function as adults.