Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Some believe that there are no such things as coincidences.  Today I feel that my calling out sick today and seeing this topic on the Dr. Phil show today is no coincidence.

I have been fighting as a parent for nearly 10 years.  My ex-husband and I divorced in May 1999.  It was a very dramatic and truamatic divorce with a lot of manipulation caused by his then fiancee/girlfriend and now his wife. When we divorced our children were 3.5, 2 and an infant.  It was decided that the children should reside with him as his new wife could stay at home and care for the children.  We both have joint legal custody in the state of NJ.

His wife "D"since the divorce at each exchange, as he was not and still is not 'allowed' contact with me on any level (her rule) would insult me, calling me extremely offensive durogatory names Every Tuesday, Thursday and alternate weekends.  After this became an ongoing issue with repeated harassment complaints we were granted a no contact order, except to otherwise communicate with my mother, of whom I have a strained relationship.  On top of that my ex "J" and his wife filed a motion to try to remove my custody rights.  My mothers day present in 2001 was that the kids were to only call me by "Maggie" not "mom" when they were around their stepmother and father.  Luckily when I am with them I am instantly "Mom"

That was back in 2000.  It is now 2008.  My children are now almost 14, 11 and 10.  I have moved to North Virginia back in 2003 after getting a Paralegal Science degree (with the amount of litigation and belligerent behavior I felt it was my best avenue to protect myself and save money on lawyers) and I have made a new life for myself.   Since my move to VA,  there have been at least 6 motions to enforce my rights as a parent to simply visit and communicate with my children.  The NJ court system does not seem to recognize Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as a valid reason to consider enforcement of any motions or statutory laws.

If I call my children I am hung up on, reprimanded (with the same likeness of the exchanges when the divorce was young) and the messages never relayed to my children. If I send or give gifts to my children they go missing.  When I have the children for visitation there are many ways we have been harassed, the most extreme was being called every two hours - needless considering that I was visiting the children in NJ.   now, my children are not allowed to be near a computer in fear that they will contact me, the cell phone I gave my daughter to use to keep in touch with me her father uses for a side business, and "D" has even gone as far as leaving copies of my journals and sexually explicit letters from my liasons when married under my daughters bed for her to read. The children have been told I don't love them, don't want them, and think I do not make efforts to contact them, and when I was in a long term relationship my partner was accused of being a pedophile (but was dismissed based on the fact in the motion it was just hearsay) and they tried to prevent my children from meeting a man I cared very much about. All of this is the doing of the Stepmother.

My children are afraid to tell their father because "D" lies about her behavior, and then punishes the kids behind his back when he is not home, and is not home often as he works long hours and commutes to NYC from the NJ suburbs.  The children are afraid to tell a school counselor or call DYFS dfor help as they fear they will be removed from their home with their father, and be removed from their lives and friends.  I am also fortunate that when I am with my children that they know me for me, and realize I am not what they say I am, and they realize the woman who has most been disparaging me knows me the least.  She only knows of me what she read in 10-15 year old diaries, what she was told by my ex husband, and whatever little the children may mention about me.  She does not know anything about my life here in Virginia, any of my friends, and in a way it pains me that I do live so far from my children but I know I am "safe" here and proud of the many accomplishments I have made as a person that has enabled me to offer more as a person to my children.  If my children were not as perceptive as they are and such good listeners, I would fear that my relationship with my children would have been completely tainted by this woman.

At this rate I anxiously await my children to be old enough to be able to state what they desire and to act on it, be it a change in custody and residence, or simply when they are 18 and can make their own legal decisions. 

This is a real nightmare. It does exist.  There are people who will do anything to cut a child's bond from their parents.  In my case what makes it extraordinary is that the person causing the abuse is not a blood relative, it is the step parent.  However my ex husband allows the behavior to happen and refuses to address the situation, and I suspect because she will threaten to leave him and he is not capable of single parenting.  In the meantime I have little or no contact with my children except when I see them on my visitation weeks, and the little I do, my children literally have to SNEAK around, and if caught they are PUNISHED.  Imagine that concept for a moment.. punished because you want to talk to your mother, who is a loving, nurturing person, who simply wants to know how your day was, and to say "I love you!".  That is by all means truly sick, evil, and sad.

Thank you for brining this to the attention of the Nation.  There are groups, organizations that provide help, support, but the problem is getting the "System" to provide help or to enforce the legal rights children have to have a relationship with both parents free of harassment from anyone. 

I think first of all parents that make false allegations should absolutely be prosecuted, that being said I believe parental alienation exists, not saying in all cases and yes I believe it can be used as an excuse at times but it DOES exist.

And honneslty Liz, the Family Law person drove me NUTS. I was so happy when the daughter of the man who kidnapped his children put her in her place....I wanted to do that through the whole show. Couldn't believe she questioned Dr Phil as to why parents would actually  use their kids as a pawn, I've seen it time and time again - they're mad at eachother and the divorce becomes a competition to try and hurt the other party more...including the children digs deeper, therefore gaining more ground.

People should put their kids first, not just say they do but actually put them first. And the more you keep the kids out of the divorce the better off their are. Bottom line being a "bad" spouse has nothing to do with being a bad parent, the are in my mind completely separate issues.

I started this post ranting about my ex.  I decided this was not the way to go.  I want to say that children are pawns in most divorces and used against one of the parents.  But Dr Phil, as you pointed out, there is a backlash once the children grow into adults who are capable of seeing what had happened.  Now that my son is back with me, it is unfortunate that he has limited interaction with his father.  I did my best not to speak poorly of his father (and that was at times quite tough to do).  I only had my son with me during school vacations and holidays with no financial assistance from his dad.  One day my son asked why I didn't say bad things about his dad, like his dad and the stepbimbo did about me.  I said that part of the divorce said it wasn't supposed to be done and I honored that.  He said his father must not have had that clause in his side of it.  I laughed and explained it was in both of them.  He knows that I want hm to have contact with his dad but he said he had enough contact when he lived with them for 8 years.  I am sad that he dislikes his father, but you know what?  What goes around comes around.  In the end, you actually reap what you sow.  His loss.  Our son is a great young man with unlimited potential and his dad won't experience it.

i'm commenting about the man who was accused by his x of sexual abusing his children.  And in desperation kidnapped his children.  This man was a victim and after telling his story, the fizzy headed blonde attorney showed no compassion.  Attacking him about his book.  She has no idea what the heck is going on. Get off the show!! no one cares what she thinks!  she made herself look stupid. Dr Phil, where were you? You didn't acknowledge he was a victim and later found innocent!  you should have slammed that attorney.  What happened to the tell it how it is approach?