Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Please continue with this topic !!!!      So many of us have had our families destroyed,

our children's future once bright is now dark with little promise of emotional health.

I am a Mom of two sons, then 17 and 20, targeted by an emotionally unstable ex-husband of 28 years.

As I look back over those years what I thought was relationship/communication problems was

really emotional abuse. Silent treatment, talking to the boys about me as if I were garbage, making jokes at my expense with the boys, teaching them to disrespect me though it was me there by there side through thick or thin while he took a back seat to parenting.

Dispite my many attemps to remedy, therapy several differant times over the years,

I now feel it had little to do with

me and much more to do with his unaddressed  internal struggles.

At some point the last year he had a break with reality, became pariniod, minipulation, deceptive,

financially destructive and used any tactic to alien the boys creating a war camp and I was the enamy.

He misused the RO as a means to  eliminate me from our home, our sons, and all belongings, including my clothes.

He called police if family tried to call or visit, threatened to have anyone arrested if they set foot on

'his' property where our sons were living as well.

He created an atmosphere of isolation and fear. Contact with me or anyone to do with me was forbidden.  He boarded and bolted the the doors, no phones were to be answered, to grandmother, uncles, or family friends.

My Mother, their only Grandparent, became ill 2 years into this struggle.  She was diagnoised with Lung Cancer; stage 4 and died 11 weeks later.

Despite repeated desperate calls (voicemail) to the house by me and other family/friens, to my sons and my ex husband begging them to respond to her dying wish just to see them NO one respnded in any way at all.

NO CALL, NO LETTER, NO VISIT, NOTHING!!!!!  NOT EVEN WHEN SHE DIED, did not attend or send a card or flowers for the sweet loving grandmother who never had a cross word for anyone.

They both have been severely impacted by this.  My older son now 24, does not have anything together, has now been shunned by his Dad.  Once he found out our son had resumed contact with me a year ago he trew him out of the house, took his keys, turned his back on him,

He's with me now, in body, on and off rarely in spirit.  still does not face his own choices or what has happened.

The other son, now 21, has not said a word , basiclly for 4+ years.  Never given any reason for

shutting everyone out of his life.  We live 2 miles apart.  Won't even look at me when I stop to offer him a ride.  21 and still not driving, I wasn't there to teach him, Dad won't.

I have and continue to write, call, send packages, offer support, send articles of his interest in music and art but NOTHING.   He does cash my checks though.  So maybe he gets his mail, maybe he reads.

I don't know anything for sure.

Please,  please,  keep shedding light on this to save our families.  Our children need the love of all

those who care for them.

thank you,

My parents did this to each other continuously,  Used my sister and I against the other parent. 

I have friends that purposely do this against the other parent  during their divorces.

My brother has had the last five years of his life ripped apart. I bleed for Him. I have watched him go through custody hearings, Christmas in jail, retraining orders and  entire family, of grandparents, aunt uncles,sons,husbands wives, a family torn apart  because all he wanted was to see his son.

 Childrens service has been involved with  supervised visits all based on the stories and lies of one very bitter, coniving, pathalogic woman who has lied stolen and cheated to get her own way.

 There are so many things that have gone wrong for my brother with the start of his court cases being resided over by a judge who has been a long time family friend of the wife, he has been treated so wrongly and accused unjustly by Children service simple becuase he cried and showed emotion during his first initial meeting with CS. He has just learned not a week before that his wife had been having an affair while he worked the midnight shift, She had put them over two hundred thousand dollars in debt from credit cards overdue, unpaid bills, missed morgage payments,etc., He had just been informed that he could no longer see his son.He had just lost his house his family , tell me what human being that is normal won't cry when ask to go could go through all that again  in a meeting to determine whether he was going to see his son that day or not.

   Tina ( the wife and mother)

Held all the cards. Tommy couldn't do anything . He was completely denied all access to his son as was his family. None of us are not allowed to associate with him. Dakota is now 14 years old and has yet to ask to see us. we are hoping that when he gets older he will want to see us again.

 Dr Phil am i wrong to hope for this??

It makes sense to me.

I am a mom unable to talk to my daughter- much as you described...my daughter also says she is "daddy's girl- but my daughter is not quite 14 years yet- she still has to stay alive- simple survival- she can not reach to me her mom-not yet- it is not safe enough yet..

 thank you for your post

I have to agree.  Most of the motions filed and court orders in my case in the past 5 years have been mostly about the right I have as a mother, with joint legal custody to simply have communication and visitation with the children.  Yet, the courts have not ordered any type of evaluation to consider if PAS is a factor, though I have pointed it out, and have given exhibits to help inform as to what the syndrome is.

In reading the plethora of posts, I don't think people understand the "syndrome" aspect of PAS.  The Syndrome describes the mental and emotional behavior of the parent or person who is interfering with the parent/child relationship, and there are various degrees.

I had also forgotten that yes, I too have had my share of having DYFS called on me, walk throughs, being accused of sexually abusing my oldest daughter and all claims have naturally been found unsubstantiated.  When you go through it, and though you know you are innocent, its extremely stressful, terrifying, and scary.   Then as time goes by it becomes predictible. 

The sad thing too, is reading and being reminded that yes, at times my ex and his wife have lied to the courts to cover their tracks, for instance I wanted to have my kids for spring break as the break coincided with the Cherry Blossoms here in the DC area and thought it would be wonderful for them to experience this national treasure.  My ex cited he was going to take the children to florida, though did not provide any supportive evidence of any plane tickets or other plans, and naturally was a lie.  They simply did not want the kids to be with me to 'punish' me as it was something important to me.  This has happnened many times.. in which I drive up to NJ and I then am told of last minute changes in the visitation times or not granted all my children citing some sort of activity (football practice).  I cannot express the heartsinking feeling of having prepared a birthday party only to find out an hour before you have everything, but the child because even though it is your right to have them that day, that they were not turned over.  

 Police don't get invovled citing it is Civil matter though there are statutory laws that considers the failure to turn over a child for custody is a form of kidnapping, and no one knows how to enforce it, including the Attorney General's Office.   Hence, what good is it to have laws that the Judicial and Enforcement branches of a government don't even know how to execute or enforce?  It looks good on paper, but in reality, its like waving for help while you're drowning and a life guard doesn't hear you.

As the target parent it gets difficult to decide which path is the best path.. to just let it slide and let the actions speak for themselves, or fight legally, and a lot of praying.   For me the dilemma is if we litigate,  the children as a result suffer due to the stress that is taken out on them and they are put in the middle when we even have Court Orders saying adult topics and litigation is not to be discussed with the children, to protect them.   If you do nothing, the abuse continues and everyone suffers and the one targeting the parent goes even further knowing they can get away with almost anything. (The words "I got your house, your car, your husband, your kids and your mother.. I wonder what else of yours I can take from you!" still ring as if I heard them yesterday, though its been nearly 10 years.  That is the mindset of these people who alientate.. control, power, fear based on insecurity, false entitlement, and a need to punish, not consdering the only people being punished are the kids.

The most horrible feeling is as a parent you want to do everything you can to protect your children but there is no where to turn. Me? I just keep doing what I think is he higher road, the best path, to be open, accepting, caring and not to be resentful, bitter or angry. At times, it gets hard... but it is paying off.

I have started the St Paul Parental Alienation Support Group in an effort to help us veterans move forward in a positive and productive way. Parental Alienation is a direct result of greedy and not so bright attorney's and their client's. All of which is at the children's expense. As in the thousands of dollars spent on attorney's that wait in the hall, to judges that do NOT read the file you just spent thousands of dollars for. To "best Interest" of the child advocates that never check on THIER recommendations. So in this ugly economy I save to fight for my rights instead of prepare and save for my children’s futures. These issues need a continued voice.  THANK YOU