Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

I see a lot of parents very frustrated about their personal issues with divorce and children.  Please stop trying to be self serving and be more selfless.  Let's serve for a better cause, the best interest of our children.  The statistics do not lie and I hope you do not want this for your child or for your own selfish reasons.

• 63% of youth suicides. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census).
• 71% of pregnant teenagers. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children.
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders. (Source: Center for Disease Control).
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger. (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978).
• 71% of all high school dropouts. (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers. (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children).
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons. (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

 

37.9% of fathers have no access/visitation rights. (Source: p.6, col.II, para. 6, lines 4 & 5, Census Bureau P-60, #173, Sept 1991.)

"40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the non-custodial father's visitation on at least one occasion, to punish the ex-spouse." (Source: p. 449, col. II, lines 3-6, (citing Fulton) Frequency of visitation by Divorced Fathers; Differences in Reports by Fathers and Mothers. Sanford Braver et al, Am. J. of Orthopsychiatry, 1991.)

"Overall, approximately 50% of mothers "see no value in the father`s continued contact with his children...." (Source: Surviving the Breakup, Joan Kelly & Judith Wallerstein, p. 125)

Only 11% of mothers value their husband's input when it comes to handling problems with their kids. Teachers & doctors rated 45%, and close friends & relatives rated 16%.(Source: EDK Associates survey of 500 women for Redbook Magazine. Redbook, November 1994, p. 36)

"The former spouse (mother) was the greatest obstacle to having more frequent contact with the children." (Source: Increasing our understanding of fathers who have infrequent contact with their children, James Dudley, Family Relations, Vol. 4, p. 281, July 1991.)

"A clear majority (70%) of fathers felt that they had too little time with their children." (Source: Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Mary Ann Kock & Carol Lowery, Journal of Divorce, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 54, Winter 1984.)

"Very few of the children were satisfied with the amount of contact with their fathers, after divorce." (Source: Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Koch & Lowery, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 50, Winter 1984.)

"Feelings of anger towards their former spouses hindered effective involvement on the part of fathers; angry mothers would sometimes sabotage father's efforts to visit their children." (Source: Ahrons and Miller, Am. Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol. 63. p. 442, July `93.)

"Mothers may prevent visits to retaliate against fathers for problems in their marital or post-marital relationship." (Source: Seltzer, Shaeffer & Charing, Journal of Marriage & the Family, Vol. 51, p. 1015, November 1989.)

In a study: "Visitational Interference - A National Study" by Ms. J Annette Vanini, M.S.W. and Edward Nichols, M.S.W., it was found that 77% of non-custodial fathers are NOT able to "visit" their children, as ordered by the court, as a result of "visitation interference" perpetuated by the custodial parent. In other words, non-compliance with court ordered visitation is three times the problem of non-compliance with court ordered child support and impacts the children of divorce even more. Originally published Sept. 1992

 

 

My daughter was kidnapped by my ex husband and put her against me since she was 5 years old. Now she is 30 and we still cannot hardly be in each other's company.  I have tried for years to make her love me and see me for the mother I was and am now. , to no avail.

 

Too Bad. 

 

 

     Good morning to all, I just finished watching the spacial from yesterday's Dr. Phil show and I was amazed. I could not believe how similar my story is to the various stories I heard on the Dr. Phil show. It is unbelievable the links that mothers will go to win their cases. My situation is a classic case of lying, deceitfulness and parental alienation from the father.

     I hope what Dr. Phil has done will bring this issue to a national level and wake the courts to the fact that mothers are capable of making this up to ensure the get what they want and the only reason they do this is because of their hatred for the father. Of cours every case is different but, in my case this could not be more true. Best of luck to both the mothers and fathers out there who are going through this.

I am looking forward to confirming your research.  Thank you for keeping the focus on the proper issues...Facts, and our Children

Thank you DrPhil for giving this serious issue the attention it deserves.  For so many people including myself I have watched the destruction parental aliention and parental alienation syndrome can cause a family.  My ex, who is the father of our son,  has gone through this nightmare for 12yrs with his daughter and his ex wife.  They have been divorced for over 10yrs and constantly his ex wife is trying to break apart his relationship he has with his daughter.  These people brainwashing their kids think they are hurting their ex's (yes it hurts them deeply) but they never stop to realize they are abusing their own kids.  My heart goes out to anyone that has to deal with PA/PAS.  Spread the awareness...PA/PAS=abuse!!

My husband's ex is constantly telling the kids lies about him.  He will have a good visitation with them and slowly between visitations they become distant.  She makes the kid's feel guilty for talking to him and telling him they love him.  She got mad at him the other night and told him the next day that she had been putting him down while talking to her boyfriend on the phone and that his oldest daughter was taking up for him.  She acted like she thought this was funny.  This type of behavior is not okay.

I have two kids and I have never spoken negatively about their dad to them or in front of them.  He cheated on me with my brother's wife and I still do not speak ill of him to the kids.  That is their dad and he always will be.  He was a terrible husband, but he is a good father.

Parents who tell their kids bad things about the other parent need to lose custody.  It's not right for the kids to be put in the middle and be made to feel guilty for loving the other parent.  My husband is heartbroken over the things his kids have told us their mom says about him.  That is their mother and they believe what she says.  It sickens me.

The attorney on Dr. Phil infuriated me.  She needs to wake up and realize this is a real problem instead of denying it even exists.  What a load of crap!

I am a father of 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. The last time my children were with me, 5 years ago, unkown to me my middle son had developed a medical condition asthma, and he required emergency medical treatment and had an inhaler for emergency purpose. I took him on a week vaction on a camping trip a 3 day scanoeing into wilderness. I was in shoch when he told me about his condition after trip. I called his mother about his condition and she just hung up. The kids mother then said the children did not want to see me any more after that visit. I have not forced the issue as I am in fear for the safety of the children and what could happen if they did come with me. Things like this has been ongoing since our seperation and the youngest was 3 years old. I have been to court an number of times before about dening access and contempt of court orders but the courts just ignore the issues and award her cost at my  expense. I can understand her being vindictive, mean etc, but I cannot understand how or why the courts would want to reward a parent for this type of behavior. It is the courts fault that if they make an order then it should be enforced.

 

Parents are not the only people involved in alienating children against other adults.  I am currently involved in a case where the parents are both deceased.  CPS took custody of the children shortly after the mothers death from their father because of abuse and neglect and placed the children with the paternal side of the family who never had anything to do with the children/family and stated on more then one occassion they DID NOT want the children including leaving the courtroom after an emergency hearing stating 'my wife is going to kill me' after telling the judge he would take placement of the children.  CPS ignored the mothers will on who she wanted to raise her children if her husband could not stating 'wills have no legal standing in TX if they are involved' and the mother specifically said she DID NOT want the people CPS 'selected' to raise the children because they despised her and she felt they would take that out on her children which they do and they would not treat her children as they treat their own child and they do not. 

 

I was named as guardian for the children in their mothers will and the paternal relative CPS placed the children with have bashed me and the maternal relatives from the beginning of the case.  They tell the children 'they (meaning me and the maternal relatives) aren't good for anything but presents', 'they're nothing but a hill billy', 'they taught you to be bad', etc. in addition to 'hosting' a birthday party and NOT inviting anyone but telling the children they invited everyone they wanted so you have the children thinking no one wants to see them which couldn't be further from the truth.  The paternal relative has admitted to lying to CASA/CPS but they have looked the other way probably not wanting to admit to the judge they made a mistake placing the children there and having to move them again.  This paternal relative is actually the third place CPS had to place the children because the first paternal relative they placed the children with violated the placement agreement and their father had them back within 12-15 hours so they then went into foster care before placing with the second paternal relative.  CPS actully stated they received too many calls from the maternal relatives and I and wanted the case closed and have left the children with the paternal relative permanently. 

 

The children are nothing more then a mortgage payment to the SMC and I am now in a private suit against them to get either custody (which is in the best interest of the children) or at a minimum visitation.  They will not let the children call me, have threatened a maternal aunt that CPS named as PC with taking her back to court and stopping her visitation if she lets me have/see the children during her weekend visit and continue to lie to the children and the courts.  Their lawyer has actually stood in front of the judge and repeatedly knowingly perjured himself yet nothing is done. 

 

These are children in crisis yet the SMC refuses to provide much needed counseling because one child wet the bed after court ordered counseling when CPS was involved.  Clothes and shoes are purchased several sizes too large so they do not have to buy as much for the children.  They are given smaller portions of food because they are 'younger' and one child is well on their way to an eating disorder because they are told they need to weigh less then their biological child but is right on target with growth charts.  One child has extreme anger issues and has hurt themself and their siblings because of it and I fear for what the fuure holds for them if this is not addressed quickly.

 

The children have stated they DO NOT want to live with the SMC and have asked if they can say where they want to live but they are not old enough to go before the court and say where they want to live.  Games they play with me if/when I do get to see them include them being puppies/homeless children on the side of the road that I see driving by and I stop to see if they are okay and take them home with me to live.  These are not normal games children play and it breaks my heart that they are in a loveless environment and I cannot imagine how devastated their mother would be about how her children are living.  They repeatedly say they want to come to my house yet they are not allowed contact with me.  Thankfully the children and I have had a wonderful bond since birth and they have not been turned against me yet.  All the while I have not said anything negative against the paternal relatives to the children.

 

Alienation is alive and well but it is not just among parents and it must stop for our childrens sake.  Thank you Dr. Phil for airing the show about PAS.

Some of the details of your situation are similar to mine, with a similar outcome. I would not agree that selfishness & envy is the reason in every case. Perhaps that was just the title of your story. In my case, my ex has psycho problems and her mother was an instigator. My oldest daughter, now 30, got a degree in psychology. When I asked her why she was going to major in psychology, she told me she was so screwed up she needed to figure out why. The response hurt, but I hink she figured out most of her problems and how to deal with situations. Both of my daughters finally realized they had been lied to and manipulated by both their mother & grandmother. They knew what was happening but it took until they were 21 or 22 to be able to deal with that realization. Both have told me their mother never should have had children. Kinda like saying I wish I hadn't been born. Hurt! My kids got shafted twice. First, when mom & grandma used PAS and turned them against me, my wife & my step kids. Second, when my kids realized what mom & grandma had done. The emotional abuse in both instances has been horrendous. My oldest daughter had her grandmother on a pedestal. The pedestal lost a little luster as she got older & realized what was happening. But, she wasn't willing to confront grandma & risk the relationship. About 5 years ago, when grandma started the PAS with "we love you more" or "your dad is ..." guilt trips, my daughter finally blew up. Her relationship with her grandmother has not been and most likely will never be as close. Although it was nice to see grandma knocked off the pedestal, I know it was extremely hard on my daughter. It took her a couple of years to deal with the surface emotions. I could go on & on like most of us could. But, as I wrote on another page, we all attended school, sports and church functions for the kids. We attended 2 college graduations & 2 weddings where ex & I stood together at the altar to give away our daughters. In a town of 200K pop, Grandma lives a block away (her choice) and ex lives 1/2 mile away (her choice). I see the ex & her current (6th.) husband driving to & from work. At a recent house warming for my youngest daughter, my ex came up to me & wished me happy b-day, which was that day. It was a nice gesture, but shocking. I paid good child support, provided health insurance, paid 1/2 of braces, paid for college at a private university, paid for a wedding, paid for part of a car after graduation. I could have done more, but point is, I was not a dead beat dad. So, what was the purpose of all of the fighting, manipulation & control? In my case, I think it boils down to people having psychological problems. In my case, allot of the problems could have been nipped in the bud if there was a law that required arrest of and stiff penalty ($$ or jail or both) for all parties, regardless of guilt, if a disturbance was created during a pick-up or drop-off for visitation. Or, take the kids away from both parties & make each party, regardless of guilt, pay for foster care for 30, 60, 90 days. Kids would be put in a situation where they had a way to recognize & escape from the abusing parent & the abusing parent would hopefully quickly come to the realization cretaing problems was going to cost dearly. Would give the kids more power, but also more hope and would probably cost less $$ & emotions than going to court with an attorney & mental health "professional" in tow for both sides. And it would do something for the kids. Some kids would realize they don't want either parent.