Dads are not the only ones who are alienated against. AND being a mom w/out your kids does NOT mean you are a druggie, loser, deadbeat, piece of crap, etc.! When I divorced my husband (Mar 93) we agreed our son would stay w/ him and our daughter would come w/ me. Shortly after that (May 94), I lost custody of our daugther to him b/c I was in an abusive relationship. My children live(d) w/ their father in NY state and I reside in MI (450 miles apart). I left NY after the divorce. If I were only dealing w/ my ex, I don't think my relationship w/ my kids would be so estranged, but 8 yrs ago, he married wife #3 (I was #1). Things were fine for a couple years, then trouble began and my kids and I have suffered b/c of it.
My son, who will be 21 in Dec, was kicked out shortly after starting his first year of community college b/c there was an altercation between him and stepmom. When he told me this, I said, "wow, that stinks." Stepmom called to say that what I should have said is "you shouldn't do things like that" and went on to tell me what a piece of crap I was. My opinion never mattered before...why would anyone listen to me now? Living on his own was more fun that going to classes, so he dropped out. This was his first real tast of freedom. He is working full-time, but it will be hard for him to go back to school while supporting himself. His dad allowed him to stop visiting me at age 14. Saving $ for a car was more important than visiting me three times a year (Feb, summer, T-giving or Christmas). I try to reach out to him w/ cards/letters in the mail, but we are strangers. The few times I have seen him over the past 7 yrs have been positive, but it still hurts not being a part of his life.
My daughter, who is 17 and a senior this year, still lives at home. She has continued to visit, but our relationship is also strained. The visitation order says she is to visit for 5 weeks in summer, but her boss (also stepmom) told her when she was 14 that if she took more than 2 weeks off, she would not have a job when she got home. Her job - busgirl at a restaurant on Fri and Sat nights...IF needed. Her motive to work has also been to save $ for a car....as most teenagers. Before she started her freshman year, she told them she wanted to live w/ me. They told her that if she decided she didn't like it once she was w/ me...she could NOT come back. So...fear kept her in NY. I have never been the parent to bribe or beg my kids to live w/ me. I've always let them know my door was open and I am hear if they needed me.
The last 3-4 yrs have been really bad. The only time I hear from my ex and his wife is to cuss me out for something I had nothing to do w/. My daughter wasn't allowed to have a cell phone until she got a car. Her brother gave her a pre-paid one a few yrs back and she hid it from them for 1.5 yrs. B/c I knew about it, stepmom called and cussed me out. She also had a myspace account which I got blamed for. They also do not give her computer priviledges, which she also does behind their back. It scares me to know that she is being taught to sneak in order to do what most teenagers are doing.
When I call their house to talk to her, one of 3 things happens: the call gets connected to the fax machine so I can't leave a message, I get hung up on, or the phone just rings. I explained to my daughter that it's just best that she call me when she can talk b/c it's upsetting to me to be treated this way. I know she's in the middle. We have minimal contact when she's in NY. I am looking fwd to the day when she is out of their house and making her own decisions.
I used to accept calls from the ex and stepmom and let them engage me in an argument. I don't do this anymore. I let their calls go to voicemail and let someone else listen to the message. I don't need to hear them put me down or tell me what a lousy person I am. Stepmom decided to start sending text messages to put me down, so I blocked them. She has went as far to say that SHE is their mom b/c she raised them and just b/c I gave birth does not make me their mom. When my daughter is w/ me, she will call and ask to speak to HER daughter.
I've learned I can't control what they do or say, but I can control how I react. I do not let them push my buttons anymore. I do not care what they think of me. My only concern is that my children were happy, healthy and loved. I made mistakes that have affected me and my children. I will probably never get over not being a part of their lives while growing up...but I did stop punishing myself so I could have a somewhat happy life. There are two holes in my heart that only heal when my kids are w/ me. I feel bad that they may never know how loving, caring, considerate, funny, generous and wonderful I really am. I keep praying things may change as they become young adults. I am hoping it's not too late.
(Original Air Date: 10/03/08) It’s being called the ultimate form of child abuse -- brainwashing your children against an ex-spouse to win custody. Could you be harming your child emotionally and not even know it? First up, Ken is a successful surgeon who says he’s the victim of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). He says he hasn’t seen his 14-year-old son since last October and claims his ex-wife destroyed what was once a loving father-son relationship. Mel Feit, director of the National Center for Men, says Ken’s situation is a classic case of kids being turned against their father, but family law attorney Liz Kates says PAS is a phony tactic used by some men to get out of paying child support. What does Dr. Phil think? Then, Karen lost custody of her children after she was accused of parental alienation syndrome by her ex-husband. Karen maintains her innocence, so why were her parental rights terminated when her daughters accused her ex of sexual abuse? Plus, 19-year-old Demi joins the show via Web cam and says her father verbally abused her mother during their divorce. Now, she fears that her 15-year-old sister is caught in the middle. Find out what you can do if you’re caught between sparring parents. And, meet a father so desperate to see his young children, he kidnapped them from his ex-wife and went on the lam for two years. Talk about the show here.
