Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

As i watched this show, I wondered why everyone seemed to be so concerned with the parents.  How they shouldn't be accused of "child abuse" for this alienating of their kids.  I AM OUTRAGED!!  I am a 26 year old woman, who is a child of divorced parents.  My parents divorced when I was 13.  Let me just paint a picture for you parents who are so concerned about your own problems that you don't take the time to give your children the proper attention.  Both of my parents spoke ill of eachother too me.  My mom was the worst about it, but i lived with her more.  When they weren't badmouthing eachother, they were trying to run their own agenda somehow.  My dad was trying to "get his money's worth" of time with me (he paid a lot of child support).  And my mom was trying to teach me to be as inseccure and co dependant as her.  In the meantime, here I sat.  My grandma always said I was the oldest acting person in the family.  I tried to teach myself to be an adult the best way I knew how.  I made a lot of adult friends.  i went to church.  But in the end, I ended up with a man who i pretty much forced to love me.  He invited me into his world of drugs and alcohol and my life spun out of control. I married the guy.  we just recently divorced.  I finally opened my eyes to how I should be treated and how I should be acting.  I got sober and have been so for almost a year now. 

 

At any rate, my point is this:  PLEASE... for the sake of your children... be their parents.  Don't be their friends.  Don't make them hate your ex as much as you do.  Don't tell them about all of your problems.  And please don't EVER tell them you are thinking about killing yourself!!  Really... you just tore their world apart by shipping out your ex... removing one of their parents from their life.  Don't make it worse.  I believe any parent who has gone through divorce should seek therapy as well.  If nothing else... it's a good place to vent, instead of in a bar or to your kids.  Thanks for listening(reading).

 

 

My husband of 9 years and I have been dealing with parent alienation syndrome our entire marriage.  He has not seen his 14 year old daughter in almost 3 years...she will not even talk to him over the phone or answer e-mails.  Her mother has done nothing but belittle, berate and abuse my husband ever since their divorce and she has completely turned his daughter against him.  She has lied so much to her own daughter that I think she actually believes them to be true.  The sad part of it is my stepdaughter believes her father to be this uncaring, selfish, awful father and she is SO VERY troubled. 

 

Here's my question...what in the heck do you do about it?  It is such an impossible thing to prove since his daughter will back up anything the mother says.  She has SO manipulated her and told her such outlandish things like, "They are trying to take you away from me so you better say....."  We know this is child abuse and hurting the child's future, but even if we hired a lawyer and fought it out in court, the mother is such a master and has their daughter behind her every step of the way. 

 

We have basically come to the realization that there is nothing that can be done except pray one day when his daughter grows up she will see things clearly and come back into our lives.  I also have a daughter from a previous marriage and this turning a child against their own parent is horrible!!!!  It truly is abuse and just an unthinkable, selfish thing a parent can ever do. 

Your story sounds very similar to ours, only my husband's ex-wife is not re-married and would never give up the child support, although she has completely cut off any contact between my husband and their daughter.  The strange thing is, how this woman has managed to use such mind control and instill fear into a child to the point she told us she would kill herself if anything happened to her mother and she had to live with us.  They are both filled with such hatred and poison....it's really quite sad.  In the beginning, it caused quite a bit of problem in our marriage because she did things like call CPS on us saying we were neglectful and abusive parents!  Talk about grounds for walking out on a man....having CPS going to our young son's class and pull him out to check him over for abuse!!!!  I was SO almost ready to call it quits!  I have never had anything so scary and humiliating at the same time happen to me.  Needless to say it was all found to be not true and dropped.  When that didn't work, she called the police and tried to get charges pressed on us....for what?  We have no idea.  The officer who called to speak with my husband was actually sympathetic that my husband was ever even married to a person like that!  Like you mentioned, I know for a fact this mother is not well.  It's a very sad and stressful situation for everyone. 

If your intention was to protect your son and keep him safe than the right thing was done. If your only intention was to keep your child from having a realtionship with his father than that would not have been the right thing to do. Only you know in your heart what the answer to that is. There are real abusers out there the same as PAS is a real and vicious problem. To justly protect your child from harm is what every responsible parent is supposed to do.

 

Just remember that your son is an adult now and can handle the situation. Wanting to connect with a parent that they didn't know that well is natural. Are you more afraid of that connection still harming your son or are you afraid that your ex will tell a different story? As I already said, only you know the truth. If it was a sincere desire to help your son than the choice made 33 years ago would be well put to rest and not eating you up anymore.

I'm considered the evil "step-parent". I have had to stay in the wings and witness everything that my husband has had to endure from a non-custodial standpoint. He is a loving and caring parent. He has had to fight and fight and fight for every holiday or vacation. The ex is as adept at manipulating the courts as she is at manipulating her child.

 

My husband has been a victim of PAS for years. There are hundreds of e-mails demonstrating her complete resistance to co-parent. In my reasearch into the child custody issue, I found that your statements above are so right on. I agree 100%. Now what do we do to see that children get a fair shake at knowing both "fit" parents?

 

I really didn't feel that either guest of Dr. Phil's was very good, namely Mel Feit or Liz Kates. They were both so extreme and obviously were there for entertainment value alone. But the fathers were heartbreaking. The final plea of Ken has been the same a my husband's to his 15 year old for the almost 2 years that his son has refused to see him. 

 

My husband has always paid every dime of his child support on time. He is loving and caring father. What does he do now? Has he lost his child for good?

I am not from the US but I am a member in a wonderful yahoo support group called stopPAS.info.  There are a lot of members in that group that know about many resources that might help you out.  Check it out.  If nothing else, you will find friendship and support there.  I wish I could help you out more!  God Bless You and hang in there!  As far as getting an answer from the Dr. Phil show, I did get one but because my ex didn't want to participate in the show, they didn't want me either.  Go figure!

As a family rights' advocate and father's rights advocate (Bruce Eden, Civil Rights Director, Dads Against Discrimination--NJ  & NY; b_eden@verizon.net) I read a number of posts from those mothers that try and accuse fathers of using parental alienation to win custody.  After doing this for 25 years, I have come to the conclusion that many women who lost custody (and it is only a very small percentage since women win custody of children 95% of the time, including joint custody residential status), lost custody because they incessantly interfered with vistiation, had drug and drinking problems, and maliciously used the children as pawns to hurt the father who divorced the mother.  Many of these women were diagnosed by multiple mental health experts in the court system has having serious problems (e.g., borderline personality disorders, bi-polar disorders, schizophrenics, child abusers and child molesters, etc.).  These are the same women accusing men, in these posts, of doing the same thing to the children and to them, that they were doing when the court removed the children from their custody.  The argument by these women that the fathers had all the money and the best attorneys is a 'self-serving' argument because, in this day and age, the entire judicial system is geared against the fathers and geared towards the mothers. 

 

Mothers come into court with the best lawyers for custody, child support, domestic violence (which females get free attorneys for this, and these attorneys are usually the best), and get the husband to pay for their legal fees as well to 'level the playing field'.  Mothers who complain that fathers use parental alienation or PAS to get custody of the children are bitter and angry mothers who lost custody because of their own doing. 

 

 

The people that are convinced PA/PAS is a "myth" are the same people that have no qualms about brainwashing their kids without realizing the psychological affects.  It is much more than a disgruntled ex trying to "get back" at their ex.  The problem lies much deeper. Just because it isn't recognized by the APA doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  I'm more concerned about the people living in denial about this condition.  Condoning and pretending the behavior doesn't exist is a grave misjustice to all the families and more importantly the CHIDLREN that have to face this on a daily basis.
 

Dear Amy:
I just wanted to thank you for your part in helping to get the topic of Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome (regardless if it is "real" or not....who cares?)  on a national television show.  As you can see by the tremendous number of messages on the Dr. Phil Message Board, there are thousands of people out there suffering, and thousands of innocent children who are being affected.  It is mental abuse. And so, so, so unfair for these poor children. 

Maybe, maybe, SOMEDAY people will WAKE UP and realize what they are DOING to their own children!!  Children need both parents!  

Everyone on these message boards need to know that there ARE support groups out there, Yahoo Groups, and numerous websites!  People can research, people can find out more information about the Family Preservation Festival in Washington DC (last one was in August...there will be another one next Summer) people can find out resources by Googling our support groups' Foundation Website:  The LEE P.A.S. Foundation.  People can look up your website, THEY ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! 

Sincerely,
----Carrie Briggs
on behalf of the NJ PAS Support Group

I will always look forward to the day I hear "I love you Daddy, I have missed you so much"

Hold and love your children, tell them you love them every day. Always know and remember that your children are a blessing, not your weapons.

 

My children are always in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I have not seen my children for over a year, and it seems that the "Brain washing" of children is a world wide problem, my loving relationship with my children has been totally destroyed by my ex wife, in the UK we have people like Dr. L.F. Lowenstein from the Southern England Psychological Services who is a leading expert in this area, it is so sad that some people feel the need to deprive a former partner of positive contact with his / her children - this is such a powerful weapon.

 

Regards

Alan