Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

   First of all, I would like to start by saying that the attorney on this show was ridiculous.  I cannot imagine anyone paying for her to go to bat for them.  I am sure that she had several valid points to her argument but she was unable to articulate them due to her constant side stepping.  C'mon doc let's find someone who can actually present a decent argument for the other side. 

   Secondly, I do believe that parents can sway their children.  It happens; we need to face it, but I also believe that this "syndrome" is becoming the catch all in today's court system. 

   Thirdly, I would also like to point out that the men's advocate was offering an insane retribution for parental alienation.  He was advising that the minor children be removed from the alienating parent because any contact with them would further create a riff among the child and the wronged parent.  Please remember that two wrongs do not make a right and that it is best to lead by example.  The whole "do as I say and not as I do" mentality is infuriating. 

    Unfortunately grace has become a largely lost attribute, but if we all embrace it and use it to handle the difficult circumstances surrounding dicorce and child custody we can limit the harm done to our children.  The five points Dr. Phil gave were excellent.  My point is that we must all keep an open mind and review all the facts on a case by case basis.  Parental alienation is not something that can be thrown under a broad blanket nor is it something that should be ignored.  Be informed, be knowledgable, and last but not least, realize that any adult around a child plays an influence.

    Thank you for your time- KJ

I was in the same situation, including the efforts to break me financially. It was a nightmare. I went into credit card debt over $60,000 to pay attorneys fees and court costs and that's after going through my entire savings deferred comp funds (which the judge ordered me to dump...the same judge who is a member of a father's rights group). It turned out that the court ordered psychologist is close and personal friends with my son's bio father...sharing property in europe, etc. When my son's bio father won in court, he told me that I was a good mother and was going to allow me to keep physical custody for the sake of my son. Hmmm...

The good news is that my son has done very well...despite everything, he was an honor student all through high school and is now a freshman in college out-of-state. We have an excellent relationship and he and I both know that I never tried to alienate him from his father...to me, that's all that counts at this point.  It was hell while I was going through it and I thought I was going to lose my mind. My heart goes out to those mothers who are being falsely accused.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in self-image, behavior, moods, and interpersonal relationships.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly females.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward AND Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother:  Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy OR Divorce Poison:  Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive (Relative) Ex by Richard Warshak  

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

Hope it helps!

I am the aunt of some great nieces and nephews and it breaks my heart to watch them being messed with because their parents are pissed off at each other. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother that all have the same problem. My brother has not seen his son for more than 8 months because of his ex. He has tried multiple times to go to her house to see him and she will not let him. She won't bring him around to any of us unless we ask, which I suppose we should be grateful for (at least WE are getting to see how he is doin). My brother isn't the most perfect person in the world but he is a great father. One of my sisters is twice divorced and she is going through the same thing with both exes. She is financially secure and a very good mother. She made sure her kids had the best of everything. She moved from the town that the kids were born and raised in because she got a better paying job with good benefits. Her ex threatened to take her to court and sue for custody if she moved out of town. Since her boys were old enough to decide where they would rather go to school, she let them stay where they were comfortable. They like thier dad's house because they have NO supervision. He has his own auto mechanic business and he is gone 90% of the time. They like that independence (what kid wouldn't). Then he drops a bombshell on her. He is moving across the country AND taking the boys with him and he would fight her as long as it takes in court because HIS parents have limitless funds. This sister also has a daughter with her last ex. Things were strained as far as deciding things like custody arrangements and assets but it was amicable for the sake of their daughter. He is even still considered part of our family (as well as her first ex because they have been in our family too long to just sever a relationship). Her ex found a new woman that has completely taken over his life. She has a personal vendetta against my family for some reason (which I don't see why, she got to stay in the house that my sister paid to have built). When my niece is with her dad, she is not allowed to approach us in public or otherwise. My niece is 3 and was diagnosed with asthma by 3 different doctors. She has to use a puffer and take some medication to keep it controlled. When she is at her dad's, his new wife thinks that my niece doesn't need the medicine and absolutely will not give it to her. Needless to say, she is a very sick little girl, when she is back at my sister's house. Yes, this is a main argument for the full custody battle that my sister is aging with her ex. Another disturbing thing is the name calling that the other woman is calling my sister in the presence of my niece. Sad because it is wrong AND she is at the "repeat everything I hear" stage. There are many other issues but I don't want to type a novel. My other sister is by no means a perfect parent either but she does the best she can with her kids. She believes that the kids should have both of their parents and she tries her best to get along for the sake of the kids. She broke up with her ex and stayed friends with him afterward. She shared custody (one week with her, one week with him). He started dating someone else (as did she). She thought that everything was fine until she went to pick up her daughter and he would not let her have her. Everytime she went to pick her up, the cops were called on her. She had no idea why. There were no kind of charges brought up against her and when she asked why the police said there was nothing that they could do. He was the legal father and there was nothing that they could do. It was 2 months before he let my sister see her daughter. This time it came with a temporary custody thing. She got a lawyer but her financial situtation wasn't as good as his and her lawyer ultimately stoppped working for her when her money ran out. The little girl is 4 and she does not want to live with her dad, she wants to live with her mom. She cries everytime she has to go back to her dad and when she has to leave her mother.  I just think it is sad to use the children as chess pieces in their personal battles. I think it is important for the kids to have both parents in their life even if the parents aren't together. They should come to some kind of understanding with each other, I mean they did love each other once enough to make a child together. I truly think that the actions are more about which parent has the upper hand over the other than the well-being  of their kids.

my husband and his ex have been divorced for over three years now, we recently just got married, his daughter is 11 and they have ALWAYS been very close, she use to come over for every other weekend visits and she ALWAYS cried and said she did not want to go home, she hated her mom, ect ect .the ex is in denial of life she still wears her wedding rings and claims god will bring my husband back home to her.,  she's called me on the phone left messages thanking me for sharing my husband and he'll be home soon..ect.....if this is any indication how evil this women is.  my husband and I were willing to spend big money for a custody battle, his daughter claimed she wanted to live with us and only see her mom every other weekend she cried about it all the time. when it came time for her to go have a chat with our lawyer she did a complete 360 and told him she wanted to live with her mom, we're almost 100% positive the mother threatened her. so my husband did not persue the custody battle.he agreed to every other weekend split holidays and 2 weeks in the summer,reluctantly but we were advised by our lawyer and my husbands daughter refuses to tell a judge everything she had told us why waste the money to have a judge grant the mom custody. anyway the daughter was with us for 3 days the first week of her two week summer stay and she bawled and carried on she wanted to go home to her moms, my husband was very hurt  but he took her back to her mom, we have a meeting place (a school) where we meet her to pick up and drop of his daughter cause the ex is just wacked, anyway when we dropped her off. the daughter got out of the car and my husband went to pull away and the mom (ex) jumped in front of his moving truck,she wanted him to sign papers he gave up his visitation period, he refused, she jumped in front of his truck two more times while it was moving! told their daughter you have to go back with your dad. the child is screaming and bawling, it was quite a show. the mother tells the daughter all the time that my girls replaced her and her dad doesn't care about her only my girls, she tells her her dad doesn't have room for her in his new life or time....that is so untrue my husband treats all the girls equal and takes the two youngest ones fishing and hunting all the time. my youngest and his daughter are in the same grade and classes at school they do the same activities so we go to all their activities, he can't call his daughter at her moms during the time period she is not with us cause the mom listens on the other end. she tells the daughter all the time her and her dad and her are going to be a family again, divorce is hard enough for a child to go through without giving them false hope. or using god.

to make a long story short my husbands daughter since what was suppose to be the 2 week visit refuses to come back to our home, she won't speak to her dad, at basketball games (which both girls play) she doesn't even talk to him. now the mom is going around telling people that my husband can't included his daughter in his new family...... we know she is telling  the daughter all kinds of crap, she just took my husband back for more child support but yet he doesn't even get to see her or does she want anything to do with her dad, she tells kids at school that she hates him and she hates all of us. is this PAS??? we're in pennsylvania does pennsylvania have the pas law? how do we fight this?