Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

Quote From: lisacr99

I am the soon to be stepmother of two boys, age 13 and 11.  I have been dating my fiance for six years.  We have been engaged for two years.  While my fiance and his ex-wife, Rhonda, have a civil relationship most of the time, I seem to be the brunt of her residual anger for her ex-husband. 

 

Rhonda asked for the divorce, so I'm not sure I completely understand her continued anger, for him, and most definitely towards me. 

 

Upon the announcement of our engagement two years ago, I was accused of child abuse by the eldest son, allegations that while I do not believe were prompted directly by Rhonda, certainly the boys were responding to her upset, after years of being taught that any bad word about me brought immense pleasure to their mother.  The son recanted the allegatons in front of me and his father and apologized profusely, but any time Rhonda was around, he stuck to his guns that I had kicked him in the shin, punched him in the arm, and pushed him to the ground, each time while his father was in the shower.  The allegations were quite preposterous even to the teacher he reported it to, and the allegations were never reported. After some brief counseling, her pastor and a emergency intake therapist both diagnosed the eldest with transition disorder.  Eventually, all died down on this issue, but Rhonda continues to badmouth me to the children on a continual basis.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this?  I can control my actions, but I'm not sure how to address the children when they report their mother's behavior to me, or secondarily, how to address Rhonda when the instances occur.

Quote From: mrsfraq

Let me start off by stating that I have been a victim of PAS by my ex-husband. This is a reverse-case. I have seen my children (now 21 & 17) only ONCE in 4 years. You would not believe all of the BS that I was accused of, what he told the children about me, how it was my fault we divorced (he accused me of cheating on him. I never cheated but, had the proof of HIS cheating) even though he was the one that left us.

We separated in 2000. When he left - he left with everything on our house (1st & a 2nd mortgage that I didn't know about) 2+ months behind. I had been a "stay at home" mom who had just finished an extended stay taking care of my grandmother who had had triple by-pass surgery. For several months I honestly had no idea what was going on at our house while I was taking care of my grandmother. Perhaps that was a mistake. I don't know where the money went, what the kids did, what the ex did - nothing. I came home 1 day to go to the dentist (after rescheduling 3 times b/c of caring for my grandmother) His mother gave me the money for the dentist, I gave it to my ex to put into the bank. When my grandmother had recovered enough for me to go home - a neighbor told me a police car was at my house while I was gone. I ended up going to the police station to see what they wanted and was promptly arrested, fingerprinted, booked and entered into the system. I was released ROR after seeing the magistrate but what had happened is my ex told me to write a check to the dentist (which is why he would put the $ in the bank) and he never did. The check bounced and the dentist sent several CRR letters which he wouldn't sign for. Remember we had not separated yet but in hindsight, I believe he was putting down the framework to leaving.

I hired a lawyer, I borrowed money, I did everything I could to see my children. I drove every other weekend to see them, I attended school functions when I knew about them. I did it all. I wouldn't talk about my ex in front of the kids. When they complained he didn't buy them something he promised them - I just said I'm sure he's doing the best he can. Trying to keep it upbeat but neutral. A LOT of letters going back and forth. I had to send a letter CRR letting him know I wanted to exercise my right of visitation even though it was already court ordered. But if I didn't send that letter - he wouldn't let me see the kids. They were told they could talk to me all they wanted (it was long distance) - once the bill came - that changed. Most of the time, they would call and I would call them back so *I* would have the LD charges. I knew he was struggling to catch up on bills and I was trying to be fair. I had the expense of having a vonage line installed with a local number for them so they could call me locally. Then they were told they were not allowed to answer the phone unless their father, g'father or an adult was there.

After years of fighting, trying to be upbeat about the ex - he told them they didn't have to visit with me if they didn't want to and then planned "outtings" on my weekends. Eventually they even stopped answering the phone. After calling for 3 months - at first daily, then slowly dwindling to nothing. I "assumed" they didn't want to talk to me anymore because they were not returning my phone calls. I should mention that I had to go through either my ex-husband or my ex-father-in-law just to TALK to our children.

Dr. Phil, PAS in my opinion, DOES exist and it's not just women doing this. Men do this as well. After driving 12+ hours just to attend court, the judge didn't want to hear any evidence. He had custody, I signed the papers (under deress), wasn't allowed to see my children (at that time) for over 6 months and none of that mattered. He didn't even receive a slap on the wrist. Nothing! I've spent close to 30-40 THOUSAND to still not see our children.

Now mind you, I was court ordered to pay child support and I paid every month. I got VERY sick in 2005 and almost died. To make a long story short, I paid 4 months of C/S even though I wasn't working at the time. Since then, I've had 10 surgeries. My ex has convinced our children that I'm lying about being sick. I'm only saying that because I don't want to pay child support.

What I know is I love and miss my kids very much. I want a relationship with them. Everyone says they will eventually figure it out what their father has done to eliminate me from their lives. Taking the pictures of us together from them, not allowing visitation, etc - I can only hope and pray that we can have a relationship on day. I will always be there for them if they ever need me. I just seriously doubt they would call because of their father. What I don't understand is why it is okay for a child to love both parents when they are together but it's not okay to love both parents when they are divorced. Children NEED both parents to grow up to be well rounded productive citizens. I can't understand why a parent would do that to a child. Don't get me wrong - I really do despise my ex-husband but I would NEVER take the kids away from him. That's just wrong in my opinion.