Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

From the very beginning of my separation with my X, I felt that a child needed both parents in their lives to feel whole and happy. 

My X always had control of both me & my daughter and as a result of PAS, my daughter has cut me off years ago. She is now 28 and I am 52. 

This situation has totally ruled my life for 14 years. Every morning the first thing I do is check my e-mails to see if maybe today she's write, I went through a phase that I didn't leave my house, maybe she'd stop by,,,,I have stopped dating because it has been my experience that men don't understand when mom is cut off.

People, friends and family can been mean....really mean especially if your the mom & your only child doesn't talk to you.

The Audacity of Hope !!!
Life is interesting how one road leads to another then another that is totally unexpected. why am i hear? if by reading my story it helps one person, then maybe all is not in vane. I honestly feel and have felt sorry for my daughter during this whole process.
and I hope she is happy & healthy & all is going easy & well for her. honestly. i love her dearly. I only wish her the best. she was always a good girl. now a women. the teen years were tough, but the events that took place I don’t blame her for.

she was used as a pawn to hurt me and to make my X look like a great sympathetic parent. At the time I was so wrapped up in losing her I didn’t see the whole situation.
I believe that she was given bad advice from someone who didn’t bother taking into account all sides of the issues she is a beautiful girl and has no idea what this has done to me and won’t understand unless she goes through a loss like this herself, which I hope & pray it never happens to her.
she has never told me to my face that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. never looked me in the eye & said it. in my heart I don’t believe it’s how she really feels. I believe that this has been going on for so long that she doesn't’t know how to fix this without feeling she is betraying her father.

my heart breaks for her for the very fact that she is in this position.

when she got engaged she called me & said that her dad wanted to have the wedding at the new house.

I said OK. tell your dad to contact me about the arrangements, he never did. a few days/ weeks later I got an e-mail, dad doesn't’t think it’s a good idea to have one wedding what do you think about 2 receptions. I said OK.
I believe that my X was trying to manipulate both of us and he didn’t think I would agreed to having the wedding at his house and after I did, needed to come up with another plan. ( I just wanted my daughter to be happy)  long story short…after months of planning there wasn’t time in my daughters schedule for 2 weddings and my plans were blown off, I was invited to a dinner before her big wedding. by e-mail. I don’t remember what my  exact response was but I know it wasn't nice… DINNER? in retrospect I should have gone directly to my X’s and not relied on my daughters communication back & forth with him. s

he lived in the Caymans islands at the time, my x & I live in the east & her new husband’s family was on the west coast, that meant 3 weddings. time & scheduling was an issue because of school requirements & blowing off mom was easiest at the time. when I got an apology letter from her a few weeks later, I fell apart. I knew she was put up to the decisions that were made. I believe it broke her heart also. and I believe that despite not hearing from her she thinks of me a lot. like me she has spent her life trying to make everyone happy at her own expense. it isn’t until after you away from being manipulated and controlled by someone that you love, that you think is your best friend, that you realize how controlled you were. I always thought I was in charge of my actions, but in retrospect when I was married & even afterwords my actions were always manipulated but I never knew it because my X never was never obvious. his mannerism was always quiet, calm & nice ( think Bill Clinton ). and he always got his own way while making the other person think it’s their decision . in a way he is still controlling me after all of these years. sad huh?
the reason I am writing all of this? I have learned, too late, if there are issues, DON”T use the child as a go between, not at any age. Never. I should have went directly to my X about the wedding, even though my daughter was in her early 20’s & seemingly independent.
Although for years I did go directly to him & he would tell me whatever I wanted to hear to my face, but never follow through.

My actions were the results of his actions but no one saw or heard his actions.

I did come off as a real ass at times. I was a basket case. I lost my only child & the court system wasn’t any help. we had split custody & she was given the choice to stay where ever she wanted.

It’s very easy for my daughter to make me out of an ogre, dad was the buddy going through his 2nd adolescence, with unlimited funds and I was the bitch parent who’s meager funds went to lawyers to change the custody arrangements and said, no it’s a school night….et… when ever anything wasn’t to her liking,  she would call him, he would pick her up, blame me for everything and I would not hear from her for weeks.

I would leave presents that she never got. I would go to his house to see her & he wouldn’t let me. And I also believe that a psychologist, or someone told her to cut me off. which was wrong without ever meeting me & hearing all sides of the issues. My X married a doctor. She only knows about me from what she has been told, she doesn’t know the whole truth. SAD, huh? My X's wife & I have a mutual acquaintance, He told me that he didn't realize I was the person she had been bad mouthing for years. His wife is only parroting what my X has told her. But I also believe that someday soon things will be OK with us.
The Audacity of Hope !!!

Here's my request Dr. Phil....I just happen to watch your show yesterday, Is there any way that you can intercede on my behalf? I'm willing to try anything.

I was a good mother to her, I made mistakes. But I can look God in the face and say I did the best I could.

I miss her so much. Even after all of these years.

My ex husband really bad brain washed my son through our divorce and continues to do so. We were divorced when he was 9. He is now 22. He will not speak to me or even respond to any of my e-mails. A few years ago he did send me a really HATEFULL message saying things like "I never wanted him, and that I was NOT his mother.  All of this came from his step mother who mentally abused him. I love hom soo much and miss him dearly. I would love to have some sort of a relationship with him. I have missed out on so much of his life and I dont want to miss any more. The only contact I have with him is to see his pictures on my space. I check it every day. He has not been on since dec 10.  I feel like I lost ALL contact with him.

Any suggestions? Any and all are welcome.

You have to document these things.  Take pictures.  Write a journal.  Video or record what she says.  For example, ask her what did she did last weekend and record what she says.  That is not prying.  Any normal parent would do that.  Get all your evidence together and if the authorities won't do anything you can sue him civilly on behalf of your child for damages such as emotional distress (get a psychologist or therapist evaluation on the impact of her visits).  Sue him for the damages he is doing to you and you get a psychologist or therapist evaluation.  Get a P.I. to document his activities and if the authorities won't do anything then you can.   You're right, my not doing anything you are condoning his behavior.  What I said may cost some money but what is your child worth?  You and your child don't need to be a victim and you should not let that happen to you.  If you can not afford a lawyer, go to the courthouse and get a file where someone sued someone for emotional distress and use the forms in the file to file your action and do it on your own.  You have nothing to lose and if nothing else it will send a message to your ex that you are aware and he is being exposed.  I had to do that with my ex wife.  Good luck.

My children were Brainwashed by their father, his money and friends.  It is painful to be abused by the court system, but more painful to watch your children be abused by it.

Children should not be treated as adults.  Unless abuse or neglect is apparent, a child should have a relationship with both parents.  In the end, they will figure out the manupulation that occured to them, and they will hold the correct ones accountable.

Thank you Dr. Phil and Company for continuing to bring Limelight to this hannis behavior.

i watched the show on friday the 26th.  i know exactly what that father was talking about.  my son is 14 and living with the father he wanted nothing to do with.  my son and i had been close since he was born until one month after i filed for divorce.  from that time on he has slowly and systematically been taken out of my life. his father has told him lies not only about me but also about boys that were his friends for years.  no one understands what has happened or how he has gotten away wth it.   my husband is a lawyer and has worked with most of the people involved in our county, i feel helpless.  

when this happens you feel like a knife has been shoved into your chest. you cant do anything to protect your child, you feel like youve let him down.  

• I too, listened today to the show on Parent Alienation. It grabbed my heart strings and brought me to the computer to let others know that this is most definately the most horrible, hurtful, thing that can happen to any parent. (Mother or Father) I am a Mom who 16 years ago went through HELL to find out why my children suddenly decided that they would no longer have anything to do with me. I had physical custody of both my son age 10 and daughter age 15. My diviorce from their father had happened over 5 years ago and he was now remarried. He was a very influencial member of our community and had been skillfully degrading me for many years with planned situations in which Mom always came out the bad guy. The untruths and misleading information to the children occurred for about 2 years. Looking back, I can now see all the simple seeds that had been planted in their minds to band me from their lives. They were literally told by their father that I had never wanted children and he had pressured me to even have one child. Such hurtful lies! At ages 10 and 15, the result was never wanting to see me again and never talking to me again. Their father and step mother supported this decision and wanted no counseling.

After almost 2 years in the court system, with the Children's Rights Council behind me trying to help , I spent my entire savings and gained nothing. The books on Parent alienation usually describe this as being done by the Mom, but in my case, it was just the opposite. My children are now 31 and 26 and will not even let me have their address so that I can send them a birthday card. It has been a long journey these last 16 years, full of many trys to establish communication and a new relationship with them. All attempts have been crushed by their father, his family, and the children themselves.  In their eyes, I am truely dead. So much time has passed and I had to give it to God inorder to survive the pain. I TRULY FEEL YOUR HURT.!

Two years ago, I learned that my daughter had a baby boy and that it had been a very hard delivery and she and the baby were not doing well. They lived out of state and my ex would not give me the name of the hospital she was in. I called each hospital in the area and located her. I again tried and flew to see them at the hospital and guess who met me in the lobby of the hospital, forbiding me to have any contact......my ex husband and his wife. Shouting at me to stay out of their lives. What a nightmare! My desire was never to cause a problem, but I knew that this might be my one and only chance to see my grandchild. I left without having a chance to see either my daughter or the baby.  

I am afraid I could write a book about the crazy hurtful things a parent can do to prevent another parent from having any contact with the children. My list could go on for days. I feel very sorry for all involved. My children of course the most, for they are growing up convinced that their mother never loved them. The new grandbaby that may never have the opportunity to connect with a grandmother that has loved him since the day he was born. The exhusband because he constantly has to be on his toes lying and covering up his untruths in order to keep the lies from surfacing. All of my extended family, because the children never had an opportunity to know and experience all the love and support that was waiting for them. The new wife because she had to be brainwashed into thinking this was the right approach to raising step children. And last for those of us who are the ones who have really lost our children due to an ex spouse who hated us so much that they would sacrafice anything to have control.

I am a Kindergarten teacher who has devoted my life to the nurturing of children. I love my job and am a highly respected member of my community. Those who are close to me ask how could this ever happen ,,,,,,, I have tried to come up with an answer for 16 years and am left with nothing but questions myself. Why would my exhusband hate me so much that he would sacrifice the emotional well being of our children? How can I be part of the solution and how can we stop this from happening to others? The holidays are very difficult but you have faith that someday someone will say just the right thing to trigger their minds into wanting to find answers. Perhaps programs like this can help open doors so that solutions can be found to help children never never be placed in a position to choose one parent over another.

Hi, my story starts when my ex abused me when he found out that I was pregnant with our son. There was tons of emotional abuse before, so I had no strength to leave when it first started. My son was born and the abuse became worse. Then he would use my son against me as threat's about leaving. LIfe has been difficult to say the least. Court took about 4 years, where I was granted full custody, but with quite a bit of visitation for my ex. The court ruling only fuelled his anger that I had full custody. Whenever my son came back from his dad's he was different, and it took a while for him to change back to the warm loving child that I was raising. As he grew, this became more difficult, as his attitude towards me increased.It didn't seem to matter what I said,he didn't believe a word  I would say. My ex has coached my son to believe that I am a horrible person, and that I treat him badly. He has chosen to go and live with his dad, because at 12 the courts say that a child can make that decision, (I don't believe that  a child is old enough at 12 to know what to believe). My ex has charged me with assault, making false accusations towards me to my son, the police, lawyers, my son's school, and anyone else who will listen. He has also made accusations against my mother. He twits words around, and lies constantly. I could see the change in my son over the last two years as he spent more time with his father, because his father doesn't work, comp case. But what can you do! I have always said that a child needs both parents, and never not allowed him to do things with his father. But a boy likes to do boy things with his father. Because I am a single parent, and my ex has remarried they have a picture perfect life, in their eyes, for my son. I feel and have always felt bad for any child that has to live in two homes, but I also feel that they need and should have both maternal parents when possible. My son has left me, and doesn't want to live with me anymore. I am heart broken. Everyone says that he will see the truth some day, but that will take years. And by then, my son will be turned more and more into the horrible evil person that I left in the first place. A word to anyone out there, either male or female, if you are being abused and you leave, and you go to court and win like I did. DON'T STOP THERE, LEAVE THE TOWN THEY ARE IN. I'm sorry but the abuse never ended for me, a now he just uses my son to deliver it. This is horrible and devestating, and I worry so much for my son's life. Even the Child and Family Services worker said she could see an attitude in my son towards women, and unfortunately there is nothing that I can do!!!!!!!! So, I am in favour of puttig PAL in the courts, though very hard to prove, it is a step in the right direction. I do think that any child 12 or whatever age should have to go through counscelling to verify what is really going on to make the child's decision.

Joshysmom4ever