I'm 15-years-old and I have been through so much. I grew up with a father that didn't care and didn't really love me... as far as I could tell. He was never involved in my life, the only time I thought he had any thing to do with me was on birthdays and christmas when he would buy me expensive gifts.
We didn't move too much but enough for me to feel unstable. I grew up in San Diego for most of my life. From age 1-4 I lived in San Diego, my family and I then moved to Las Vegas till I was about 7, we then moved back to San Diego until I was 12 and have lived in Phoenix since then.
Moving never really helped me with exceptance, especially with the way my father treated me. I knew when mom said, "You just wait till your father gets home," that was not a good sign. But thats about all I knew him as.
In 6th grade I was desprate for a father that would love, care and except me as I am. I knew that wasn't going to come from my biological father, therefore I tried finding it in church. I meet a leader that helped me through life that year, he was like a father figure to me, then we moved.
After the moved he stopped talking to me, I lost all trust in people, I felt that if my own father would betray me and so would another guy then any one would.
Most of my 7th grade year was depressing. I went to school, but dispised it, I went to church, but felt I couldn't connect, I went home, but that was all stress. I meet my youth pastor and started talking to him but I didn't want to get to close because I didn't want to get hurt again. Eventually I gave in, I started talking to my youth pastor about all my feelings and he helped me. I got really close to him and his wife in 7th grade and the first part of 8th grade. Then my friend from San Diego commited suicide. She meant the world to me and it hurt so much that she was gone. I had been talking to her for months to get off of drugs and eventually she over dosed. Her mom was very scarred, her husband commited suicide about 2 year prior to her daughters death. She called me one saturday and shot herself while on the phone with me... My life hasn't been the same since.
My youth pastor and his wife tried to help, they tried to comfort me, but nothing was working. My dad got a wake up call by this and tried to step in, but i resented him so much i pushed him away. I didn't want to deal with every thing all at once.
I started trying smoking, it never really did any thing but calm my nerves so I didn't continue. I tried drinking and stuck with that for a while, but it got redundant and I didn't feel it was helping. I tried drugs and they just made me feel worse. Finally I tried cutting, it gave me a sense of relief, it made the pain temporarly go away. I did that until the one close friend I had found out and told my youth pastor, who until this point I tried to avoid as much as possible. He talked to my parents and me, suggested counseling, but I refused. I tried from that point on to pretend like I was okay, I was always fairly well at acting so it didn't take too much effort to hide my feelings. At some point after this I started cutting again, but I got scarred I was going to get caught again so I stopped.
About a year of this went on till I finally just gave up, I stopped trying things and just pushed every one away. At the same time though, my dad got a hold of his life in that past year and wanted to be my father. I hated him already and didn't want to have any thing to do with him. He tried, pushed and pried but I wouldn't let him in. I then turned to my youth pastor again and he helped, it was nice to just talk for once to some one who understood me. But eventually my dad made me stop talking to him which killed me. Once I finally trusted my youth pastor completely my dad screwed it up.
Nearing the end of this year, freshman year, I meet a guy. He was sweet and caring, and for once intrested in me and not a friend. I had always had low self-esteem but this was when it really came through. I started to back away because I was scarred, I thought I was fat and unworthy of such an amazing guy in my eyes. But he pursued me, this made me feel wanted and I liked that, it made me feel good, kind of numb to the pain that was still there.
We got really close, and he found out that I hadn't had my first kiss yet and made it a point to be my first kiss... but that turned into my first every thing. We started slow and then he asked me out, every thing was so fast after that. We broke up not too much later but we were still into each other a little, but not really talking. Freshman year ended and I thought I was done with him, but little did I know what would soon be coming for me.
About a week after summer he called me, we started hanging out again, he told me I was beautiful and I missed hearing that. We started back where we left off and unofficially dated over the summer. We had sex and then he "officially" asked me out.
I started to get scarred but I didn't want him to know that so I just kept going with it for a while. Then I just couldnt handle it and I snapped, so he broke up with me. My self-esteem to a another fall. I felt disgusting, like I had no self worth, I wanted to die. So I told my mom, who has been my best friend and pretty much rasied me up until the last year. I felt better but she didn't really know what to do.
My dad ended up finding out I had sex and that I drank and smoked and all hell broke loose. I was grounded and wasn't aloud to talk to the guy I had sex with any more ( even though we were still "friends", but just friends.)
My life has spiraled and I feel so out of control. I dispise my father, my mom doesn't understand, I ruined the relationship with my youth pastor and his wife, I can't let go of my friend and her mom, I have no self worth and I feel hopeless and most of the time feel like dying.....
Dr. Phil, please help me. I don't know where else to turn and I'm only 15. I just want to live a life without the pain, guilt and disgust. Will you help me?
