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Topic : 01/01 You Got Served

Number of Replies: 113
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Created on : Friday, October 10, 2008, 02:46:25 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 10/13/08) Are you fighting to maintain a happy marriage and family, but find your life crumbling down around you? Maybe you’ll relate to Dr. Phil’s guests. Angelo was served with divorce papers two weeks ago but can’t bring himself to read them. His wife of 12 years, Kathy, moved out four months ago. Angelo says the divorce papers were a wake-up call, and now he’s ready to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. Kathy says she’s heard it all before. The couple has three children, and Kathy is eight months pregnant with baby number four. Dr. Phil sits down with Angelo and Kathy to see if there’s a sliver of hope for turning this marriage around. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 12, 2008, 10:29 pm CDT

Had a problem in my relationship

Morning Dr. Phil, my name is Sophy i have been maried to my husband David since 2003 a customary law but me and David we've been fighting since i got twin boys in 2005. It started with her sisters they were to lazy to look after my twin boys when i was on my maternity leave so i realize i must find a nanny, so i called one of my friend to help me get a nanny and the little sister was listening to my conversation and told his brother (my husband) he become angry to me also her sisters. That month i was supposed to return back at work i told myself that i won't go back to work and leave my kids with the girls who don't speak to me and they don't even wash or feed my kids. i extended my leave and also my husband was not speaking to me or helping me with the kids, he would come back from work and sit at the lounge with her sisters and don't talk to me. So that time i realised i must go back at home to stay with my mother, i went back at home that sisters phoned him and they him i packing my clothes; he phoned me and i answered he said to me where are you going i told him to ask his sister because me and him we are not talking to each other and i drop the phone. He followed me to apologise and i forgive him. i found a nanny she stayed with us. He started coming home late and when he left he'll just go and never say annything. At Saturday 2006 it was in February, he said to me he is going to a place where there was a funeral i pack my things with nanny and the kids and left. He sent his father to apologise for him, i forgive him. 28 March2008 he beat me it was on friday i just looked at him on saturday he left with his family to Limpopo and again on the 09 June 2008 he beat me again and break my 2 cellphones (Samsung D900 and Nokia 6230i) he throw them in the wall i left the whole day and came back at 06:00pm. On wednesday 11 June 2008 he locked me in the house on friday he left the key i took my things and left. till now but it seems he prefer his family than me and the 3 Kids (twins boys and a daughter). David doesn't even support his kids he prefare to support his mother, father, sisters and brothers than his 3 kids and wife. So i told myself i would stay with my kids alone.

 
October 13, 2008, 1:32 am CDT

my opinion

It seems that she is already over him but feels she needs to give it one last effort.  Not that she is right or wrong in that, because he is not done with the other women.  If he was done then going back to her wouldnt be an option regardless of what happens with his marriage.  On that note, oldest story in the world, does he not realize that eventually the exciting mistress will eventually expect him to help around the house or put the toilet seat down.  I almost feel sorry for the guy.  He is truly in denial about his role in this whole thing.
 
October 13, 2008, 4:57 am CDT

Never enough help

From someone married five years and together nine, there's never enough help in this area.  I was served and had to chage my life drastically now that I am on my own.  Without my daughter.

 

We are as good as a divorced couple can be, but not a day goes by wishing that I was a family again.  We never went to therapy, and my pleas to do whatever to keep the family together were not listened to.

 

Couples need to learn the warning signs, and ways to address when divorce seems like an possibility.

 
October 13, 2008, 6:49 am CDT

wish I had served him

I have put up with 40 years of infidelity and now have serious health issues ... some from living with years of stress due to this relationship.  I should have served him the first time it happened.  I would have saved my kids years of livng in an unhappy home ... but like most men who do this, he tore away at my self-confidence and esteem and I never believed I could make it on my own and raise my kids alone.  Now, I can't survive without the insurance and financial support of this man I can't stand to be near. I blame no one but myself for this miserable life ... I just want others to know to get out while you are young enough to make something of your life.  It won't get better in most cases and only perpetuates the mental abuse caused by your cheating man..... he's in his 60's and still thinks he's God's Gift to women.
 
October 13, 2008, 7:35 am CDT

Been There Done That

Talk about dejavus???  I was 3 months pregnant when I discovered my husband was having an affair (with a planned pregnancy)!  The other woman is "trailer trash" having been married 4 other times with children from each marriage (5 kids in all), who all ended up being raised by this woman's mother.  The "other woman" worked with my husband.

 

To add insult to injury my now ex-husband and I also had a 2 1/2 year old with special needs.  He had his first grand mal seizure 2 weeks before the affair began, and was airlifted out of our back yard!  We didn't really know the extent of our son's "special needs" at this tme, so that really wasn't a factor I don't think.

 

Here's what I can tell you, girl......run, run, run and don't look back!!  I took my husband back 3 times - even on the day he was supposed to marry this woman.  Every single time he would stay up to 10 days or so, while she persued him mercilessly.  She would leave notes on his truck in our driveway, etc.  Every single time he went back to her because she was "easy" and working on a marriage isn't.

 

It was the most difficult thing I have ever been through, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I lost 50 pounds during the pregnancy - but my baby was born fat and healthy.  The good news is I was looking good when it came time to start my life over again.  I will think about you every day hoping you can be strong and get through this by respecting who you are and loving yourself enough to know you deserve better. 

 

16 years have passed and I can tell you I am happier and have lived a more satisfied lilfe than I ever could have with him.  I have been with a man (now married to him) for 12 years who has been a better father to my boys than my ex-husband could have ever been.  He's strong and loving and takes responsibility for his actions - all traits necessary to raise boys.  He has loved and cared for my special needs son as if he were his own - and has pushed me to allow this child to be his best.

 

My ex-husband married the "other woman" and has lived a miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled life.  He has been repaid for his actions time and time again.  This has been sweet pay-back for me.  I didn't have to do anything but be patient. 

 

Life will go on - and will be so much better if you allow yourself to move on.  Keeping my family together was all I wanted too - and I was willing to sacrifice myself for that.  What I can tell you is that was not the role model I should have ever wanted for my boys, and thank God my ex-husband made the moves for me! 

 

Be strong and believe in yourself!!

 
October 13, 2008, 7:58 am CDT

10/13 You Got Served

Quote From: echolake

I have put up with 40 years of infidelity and now have serious health issues ... some from living with years of stress due to this relationship.  I should have served him the first time it happened.  I would have saved my kids years of livng in an unhappy home ... but like most men who do this, he tore away at my self-confidence and esteem and I never believed I could make it on my own and raise my kids alone.  Now, I can't survive without the insurance and financial support of this man I can't stand to be near. I blame no one but myself for this miserable life ... I just want others to know to get out while you are young enough to make something of your life.  It won't get better in most cases and only perpetuates the mental abuse caused by your cheating man..... he's in his 60's and still thinks he's God's Gift to women.
It was sad to read how you've suffered for so long and now living in bad health. You sound a kind, reasonable, supportive individual who deserve a happy life. It appears a long time ago, someone convinced you that you didn't deserve better. Sometimes you just need the courage to do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may. I hope you have love and support from your children, a network of friends and family, and God, if you believe.
 
October 13, 2008, 9:20 am CDT

Angelo, you got served because.....

You want the constant intoxication of a new love, someone who focuses only on you and your needs, so when your marriage got "real" (kids, bills, work, etc.,) real life became a barrier to your immature, childish need for constant validation. Look, any two idiots can be "happy" when everything is hearts and flowers and the realities of life don't interfere with the infatuation two people have with each other at the beginning of a romance. It's when real life happens that we either step up to the plate and act like a mature adult or we retreat and "hook up" with another person who has no history with us and who we can again be infatuated with and who gives us the illusion that it's all about us. Angelo, you are an immature man-child who is not ready for the challenges of a real life relationship, and your wife has realized that you aren't  the man she thought you were. Getting pregnant over and over knowing that Angelo was cheating wasn't the wisest thing to do either. If Angelo grows up and if both of you can do the inner work necessary to become mature and honest and truthful about the realities of this relationship, maybe you can stay together. It will take time and patience, but the wife is taking a much bigger risk than Angelo is. Men who act as immaturely as Angelo does are a very bad risk for happy, successful marriage. Good luck, you'll both need it.
 
October 13, 2008, 9:55 am CDT

My husband also cheated

After watching the show on "You Got Served", I remembered when I found out my husband had cheated on me sixteen years ago.  I guess this begins twenty years ago, when my father died.  My mother was left with not being able to do a lot for herself because of illness.  Since I was the one sister who was a stay-at-mom (two sons 4 and 6) it fell to me to take care of her.  Although my mother was a very strong willed woman and didn't want to be a burden, there were things that she was unable to do because of her illnesses.  My husband and I with our sons lived in an old farm house (this was my husband's choice) with three floors and over 2600 square feet of living space.  My husband was and still is a lawyer and when he came home, he played with the boys and then sat in front of the TV.  His addiction then and is "gamblilng". I went to my mother's house at least three times a week to clean, take her shopping or shop for her when she was unable, and leave church early on Sunday's to start the main dinner for the rest of the family's Sunday visit.  I also kept my own house clean, cooked meals, took care of our two sons, laundry, painted when needed, made minor repairs, took the boys to school functions and activities as they got older, worked a vegetable garden, trimmed the yard (over 2 acres) whenever my husband would mow, and anything else that needed to be done.  If my husband wanted to go to the horse races each weekend I was to pack clothes and the boys into the car and be ready when he got home from work on Friday.  Our vacations were always taken near some place to gamble.  The boys and I spent many nights entertaining ourselves in motels while he gambled.  As the boys got older, they didn't want to go every weekend.  I too did not enjoy these trips and dreaded weekends.  It became easier to stay home with the boys and let my husband go alone.  He started staying late at the office.  When he came home, dinner was usually dried out because he didn't call to let me know he would be late.  After dinner, he usually made an excuse to return to work.  Every weekend he would go to the dog races.  I remember one evening our oldest son asking him why he didn't come home right after work and he told him he didn't want to. I can remember being so lonely during this time. I remeber the boys in the den and I was in the attic/sewing room listening to a talk show just to hear another adult's voice.  I kept asking him if he were having an affair, but he always looked me straight in the eyes and told me "no".  I had no reason not to trust him because our sex life was still happening.  Two to three times a week I felt was a lot since I lived on little energy.  The year after my mother died, I found out he definitely he was cheated in me.  Of course, the weight loss and Corvette helped me to open my dumb eyes.  When he was confronted, he confessed and told me he was planning to end it anyway.  My world went into a tailspin.  I became paranoid out of his sight.  I wanted to confront the woman but he wouldn't let me saying "she was a nice person".  My response, "no nice person breaks up a marriage."  I told him I was staying with him because I loved him (I guess deep down, I really had no other place to go), but if it ever happened again, I would leave because I love me.  The only change he made after finding out about the affair  was to quit seeing her outside of work.  I was the one who had to make all the changes.  I was the one who spent time going whenever he wanted to go someplace, I was the one who had to become the active sex partner doing things I cannot even repeat in my own mind.  I felt like I was prostituting myself to him just to make him happy.  It seemed I was the one whose life was turned upside down and I was the one who had to make it better.  He just sat back and let me do it.  It took me seven years to let go of the pain, but deep inside, I don't belive I've really forgiven him for the hurt that was caused.  When our youngest son died four years ago in a car accident at the age of 20, I began to really realize how selfish my husband has been all through this marriage.  He is a giving man of money and sometimes his time (that is, if it is something he wants to do), but he fully believes the world should revolve around him.  He feels he should be number one this life.  It took me three years after the death of our son for me to get him to sell the house.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.  When I chose a townhouse to live in, he decided he didn't like it and isn't sleeping here.  He comes by each morning early for breakfast and a shower and sometimes spends all day, but when evening comes, he leaves and returns to his office to sleep.  I must say I like this arrangement, because when he is around, I am depressed.  I don't want a divorce because I have put in 28 years of my life with this man.  I love him, but most of the time, I really don't like him.  As I look back, I often wonder if I would have changed anything. I have lived with the feeling of not being worthy for so long, that it has taken a lot of strength to over come this.  I know wherein my strength lies and with the Lord's help, I will keep this strength to accept whatever comes.    Sue 
 
October 13, 2008, 1:03 pm CDT

Listen to the kids and try to save your marriage

People get married too quickly without realy knowing each other or even themselves.  It's as if the "for real communication" has been left at the honeymoon phase. Then they realize after x amount of years of marriage that they have nothing in common and don't even listen to eachother as they thought they were when they were courting eachother.  I am amazed at how many people start a family without thinking and getting to know themselves before they go to the altar.  We are all humans but communication is not just about talkin, it's mainly about being a great listener.  Two people need to make a commitment of listening to eachother.  But sex seems to replace "love" in the minds of some folks and it is so wrong.  My father cheated on my mother for years.  He even had brought a woman in their matrimonial bed.  He even seeked the companionship of prostitutes.  But when I look back I realize that he was just a scumbag and never did his father teach him to respect women.  Couples should always seek counseling and also couple counseling.  It's a hard call.  I am one of those kids that would have rather had my parents stay together than be from a broken home, but they never bothered to go to counseling and who pays the price in the end it's the kids, cause the adults move on as if it all was just a piece of cakewalk.  They don't realize the scars they create cause they are so wrapped up into themselves.  I say get counseling for the kids too.  Hope they can keep their marriage together.
 
October 13, 2008, 1:13 pm CDT

cheater cheater

Kathy is never going to leave Angelo.  He knows that.  He won't change.  If there is no consequence when he cheats why would he stop?  He doesn't care about his wife's feelings he gets high off all this running around and i don't know why all the fuss over divorce papers.  If your not taking the wedding vows seriosly what's a divorce going to do to your ego? 
 
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