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October 13, 2008, 1:50 pm PDT
Your H is a narcissist.....
Quote From: sueervinAfter watching the show on "You Got Served", I remembered when I found out my husband had cheated on me sixteen years ago. I guess this begins twenty years ago, when my father died. My mother was left with not being able to do a lot for herself because of illness. Since I was the one sister who was a stay-at-mom (two sons 4 and 6) it fell to me to take care of her. Although my mother was a very strong willed woman and didn't want to be a burden, there were things that she was unable to do because of her illnesses. My husband and I with our sons lived in an old farm house (this was my husband's choice) with three floors and over 2600 square feet of living space. My husband was and still is a lawyer and when he came home, he played with the boys and then sat in front of the TV. His addiction then and is "gamblilng". I went to my mother's house at least three times a week to clean, take her shopping or shop for her when she was unable, and leave church early on Sunday's to start the main dinner for the rest of the family's Sunday visit. I also kept my own house clean, cooked meals, took care of our two sons, laundry, painted when needed, made minor repairs, took the boys to school functions and activities as they got older, worked a vegetable garden, trimmed the yard (over 2 acres) whenever my husband would mow, and anything else that needed to be done. If my husband wanted to go to the horse races each weekend I was to pack clothes and the boys into the car and be ready when he got home from work on Friday. Our vacations were always taken near some place to gamble. The boys and I spent many nights entertaining ourselves in motels while he gambled. As the boys got older, they didn't want to go every weekend. I too did not enjoy these trips and dreaded weekends. It became easier to stay home with the boys and let my husband go alone. He started staying late at the office. When he came home, dinner was usually dried out because he didn't call to let me know he would be late. After dinner, he usually made an excuse to return to work. Every weekend he would go to the dog races. I remember one evening our oldest son asking him why he didn't come home right after work and he told him he didn't want to. I can remember being so lonely during this time. I remeber the boys in the den and I was in the attic/sewing room listening to a talk show just to hear another adult's voice. I kept asking him if he were having an affair, but he always looked me straight in the eyes and told me "no". I had no reason not to trust him because our sex life was still happening. Two to three times a week I felt was a lot since I lived on little energy. The year after my mother died, I found out he definitely he was cheated in me. Of course, the weight loss and Corvette helped me to open my dumb eyes. When he was confronted, he confessed and told me he was planning to end it anyway. My world went into a tailspin. I became paranoid out of his sight. I wanted to confront the woman but he wouldn't let me saying "she was a nice person". My response, "no nice person breaks up a marriage." I told him I was staying with him because I loved him (I guess deep down, I really had no other place to go), but if it ever happened again, I would leave because I love me. The only change he made after finding out about the affair was to quit seeing her outside of work. I was the one who had to make all the changes. I was the one who spent time going whenever he wanted to go someplace, I was the one who had to become the active sex partner doing things I cannot even repeat in my own mind. I felt like I was prostituting myself to him just to make him happy. It seemed I was the one whose life was turned upside down and I was the one who had to make it better. He just sat back and let me do it. It took me seven years to let go of the pain, but deep inside, I don't belive I've really forgiven him for the hurt that was caused. When our youngest son died four years ago in a car accident at the age of 20, I began to really realize how selfish my husband has been all through this marriage. He is a giving man of money and sometimes his time (that is, if it is something he wants to do), but he fully believes the world should revolve around him. He feels he should be number one this life. It took me three years after the death of our son for me to get him to sell the house. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. When I chose a townhouse to live in, he decided he didn't like it and isn't sleeping here. He comes by each morning early for breakfast and a shower and sometimes spends all day, but when evening comes, he leaves and returns to his office to sleep. I must say I like this arrangement, because when he is around, I am depressed. I don't want a divorce because I have put in 28 years of my life with this man. I love him, but most of the time, I really don't like him. As I look back, I often wonder if I would have changed anything. I have lived with the feeling of not being worthy for so long, that it has taken a lot of strength to over come this. I know wherein my strength lies and with the Lord's help, I will keep this strength to accept whatever comes. Sue and living with one is truly hell on earth. My ex-husband of 26 years is a narcissist, as well as a porn and pot addict. Narcissists have a grandiose, unrealistic view of themselves, believing themselves to be perfect and above reproach and criticism, although they dole out plenty of it to their spouses and children. So what if you've invested 28 years of your life with him? Is that supposed to prove that you are the loyal one, the faithful one, the "good" spouse? Your efforts are wasted on him, because he couldn't care less about how "good" you have been. So, consequently, you are wasting your life by continuing to be with him. Waiting for "whatever comes" seems to me to be a passive and victim-driven approach by you. How the hell have you come to the discernment that God wants you to wait it out? Perhaps what God really wants you to do is get out of this misery and live in peace and sanity. Have you ever thought along those lines? If you love yourself as you claim to, why are you continuing to live like this? I also had "no place else to go" and so stayed until my husband had an affair with a married co-worker, a woman he called his "soul-mate". They visited the worst kinds of betrayal and cruelty on me. My initial prayer was for God to enter my husband's heart and have him realize what he was doing and for the repair of my marriage. The answer to that prayer was "no." When I changed my prayer to asking for clarity for myself and the strength to do what I had to for myself and my kids, the answer was "yes" and help and support and clarity was the result. I no longer felt alone and helpless. I realized that my marriage, which I valued and worked so hard for, was really a 26 year train wreck due to my husband's addictions and selfishness and narcissism. And I was not doing right for myself by staying in it one more minute. I realized that any "loneliness" I might feel on my own was a walk in the park compared to the deep and damaging loneliness I had felt for years as his wife. His focus, his treasure, his investment was only in himself, and my value to him was based only on what I brought to HIM. Who I really was as a person was was irrelevant to him, as long as I played the role he wanted me to play for his own aggrandizement.
Look up "narcissism" on the internet. You will find that your husband fits the criteria, I am sure of that. You will then hopefully realize that your continuing in this farce of a marriage is an exercise in futility, and the longer you stay in it, the more lost you will become. The more broken your spirit will be. You write that he wouldn't let you meet the OW because he said she was a "nice person." You then replied that "no nice person breaks up a marriage." News flash- he's breaking up your marriage, she is an accessory to it. She couldn't be a part of it unless she had been invited into it. By him. Put the accountability and responsibility on the right person. Him. And on yourself if you allow this hell to continue. I know what I am talking about, because I lived it. And got out of it. And survived with an intact spirit.
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(Original Air Date 10/13/08) Are you fighting to maintain a happy marriage and family, but find your life crumbling down around you? Maybe you’ll relate to Dr. Phil’s guests. Angelo was served with divorce papers two weeks ago but can’t bring himself to read them. His wife of 12 years, Kathy, moved out four months ago. Angelo says the divorce papers were a wake-up call, and now he’s ready to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. Kathy says she’s heard it all before. The couple has three children, and Kathy is eight months pregnant with baby number four. Dr. Phil sits down with Angelo and Kathy to see if there’s a sliver of hope for turning this marriage around. Join the discussion.
