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Topic : 01/01 You Got Served

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Created on : Friday, October 10, 2008, 02:46:25 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 10/13/08) Are you fighting to maintain a happy marriage and family, but find your life crumbling down around you? Maybe you’ll relate to Dr. Phil’s guests. Angelo was served with divorce papers two weeks ago but can’t bring himself to read them. His wife of 12 years, Kathy, moved out four months ago. Angelo says the divorce papers were a wake-up call, and now he’s ready to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. Kathy says she’s heard it all before. The couple has three children, and Kathy is eight months pregnant with baby number four. Dr. Phil sits down with Angelo and Kathy to see if there’s a sliver of hope for turning this marriage around. Join the discussion.

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October 13, 2008, 3:01 pm CDT

Love and Respect

I think we see alot of shows regarding divorce because there are alot of married couples who are just willing to give up... What happened with "for better or for worse", I understand this man has cheated on his wife, but if he has broken it off and is sincerely sorry and wants to try hard and work this out, then it is possible, but if he was saying "I don't love you anymore and want to be with the other woman" then it's done. He seems to know he's made huge mistakes.... the divorce papers seem to have woke him up!! He wants the marriage to be like it was when they were first married, love and romance, excitement, well that CAN happen!,  My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we've had some really good times and then some really bad times.  We just attended a "LOVE AND RESPECT" marriage conference and it has changed our marriage, I tell my friends, it's like we had a Marriage Facelift!  It takes two to Tango, two to make things work and two to make things fall apart, I am in no way condoning what Angelo has done and think that a man who cheats on his wife is weak.  They both need to take credit, do they want to stay married?? I think that people take marriage too lightly when they take their vows.  We go to school to become Dr.'s, lawyer's, Nurses, etc... we study for years to have a career, but when it comes to marriage we enter into it too lightly, not really knowing what we are getting into... The Love and Respect conference should be mandatory for people getting married, and I believe that those whose marriages are on the brink of divorce, their marriage will be transformed by this conference.  Go to www.loveandrespect.com  there is a book too, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.. Dr. Phil you should have this couple go to this marriage conference!   just my 2 cents, from a woman whose marriage has been transformed!!! 
 
October 13, 2008, 3:07 pm CDT

Love him don't like him?

Quote From: sueervin

After watching the show on "You Got Served", I remembered when I found out my husband had cheated on me sixteen years ago.  I guess this begins twenty years ago, when my father died.  My mother was left with not being able to do a lot for herself because of illness.  Since I was the one sister who was a stay-at-mom (two sons 4 and 6) it fell to me to take care of her.  Although my mother was a very strong willed woman and didn't want to be a burden, there were things that she was unable to do because of her illnesses.  My husband and I with our sons lived in an old farm house (this was my husband's choice) with three floors and over 2600 square feet of living space.  My husband was and still is a lawyer and when he came home, he played with the boys and then sat in front of the TV.  His addiction then and is "gamblilng". I went to my mother's house at least three times a week to clean, take her shopping or shop for her when she was unable, and leave church early on Sunday's to start the main dinner for the rest of the family's Sunday visit.  I also kept my own house clean, cooked meals, took care of our two sons, laundry, painted when needed, made minor repairs, took the boys to school functions and activities as they got older, worked a vegetable garden, trimmed the yard (over 2 acres) whenever my husband would mow, and anything else that needed to be done.  If my husband wanted to go to the horse races each weekend I was to pack clothes and the boys into the car and be ready when he got home from work on Friday.  Our vacations were always taken near some place to gamble.  The boys and I spent many nights entertaining ourselves in motels while he gambled.  As the boys got older, they didn't want to go every weekend.  I too did not enjoy these trips and dreaded weekends.  It became easier to stay home with the boys and let my husband go alone.  He started staying late at the office.  When he came home, dinner was usually dried out because he didn't call to let me know he would be late.  After dinner, he usually made an excuse to return to work.  Every weekend he would go to the dog races.  I remember one evening our oldest son asking him why he didn't come home right after work and he told him he didn't want to. I can remember being so lonely during this time. I remeber the boys in the den and I was in the attic/sewing room listening to a talk show just to hear another adult's voice.  I kept asking him if he were having an affair, but he always looked me straight in the eyes and told me "no".  I had no reason not to trust him because our sex life was still happening.  Two to three times a week I felt was a lot since I lived on little energy.  The year after my mother died, I found out he definitely he was cheated in me.  Of course, the weight loss and Corvette helped me to open my dumb eyes.  When he was confronted, he confessed and told me he was planning to end it anyway.  My world went into a tailspin.  I became paranoid out of his sight.  I wanted to confront the woman but he wouldn't let me saying "she was a nice person".  My response, "no nice person breaks up a marriage."  I told him I was staying with him because I loved him (I guess deep down, I really had no other place to go), but if it ever happened again, I would leave because I love me.  The only change he made after finding out about the affair  was to quit seeing her outside of work.  I was the one who had to make all the changes.  I was the one who spent time going whenever he wanted to go someplace, I was the one who had to become the active sex partner doing things I cannot even repeat in my own mind.  I felt like I was prostituting myself to him just to make him happy.  It seemed I was the one whose life was turned upside down and I was the one who had to make it better.  He just sat back and let me do it.  It took me seven years to let go of the pain, but deep inside, I don't belive I've really forgiven him for the hurt that was caused.  When our youngest son died four years ago in a car accident at the age of 20, I began to really realize how selfish my husband has been all through this marriage.  He is a giving man of money and sometimes his time (that is, if it is something he wants to do), but he fully believes the world should revolve around him.  He feels he should be number one this life.  It took me three years after the death of our son for me to get him to sell the house.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.  When I chose a townhouse to live in, he decided he didn't like it and isn't sleeping here.  He comes by each morning early for breakfast and a shower and sometimes spends all day, but when evening comes, he leaves and returns to his office to sleep.  I must say I like this arrangement, because when he is around, I am depressed.  I don't want a divorce because I have put in 28 years of my life with this man.  I love him, but most of the time, I really don't like him.  As I look back, I often wonder if I would have changed anything. I have lived with the feeling of not being worthy for so long, that it has taken a lot of strength to over come this.  I know wherein my strength lies and with the Lord's help, I will keep this strength to accept whatever comes.    Sue 
Are you sure it's love or just a fear of the unknown (and maybe just plain bad habit?) Yes, you are right. Nice women don't break up a marriage. I think your husband had a hand in that, too. Dr. Phil would tell you that what's worse than 28 yrs with this man would be 28yrs and a day. Please don't wait for him to divorce you. You are getting nothing (from what I read) out of this.I have a hard time believing that a man who cheated already, is 'sleeping every night at the office' Yours is a very sad story but you need to take ahold of your life. You do have a choice.You are the only one who knows how worthy you are. You don't need someone who lies cheats, and is a narcissist to define who you are, do you?
 
October 13, 2008, 3:24 pm CDT

(an aside) Happy Thanksgiving CANADA :-)

That man just made me want to take a shower, he was so disgusting. Can you spell M I S O G Y N Y? When will women learn that love isn't supposed to kick you in the teeth and throw you in the gutter? If a man wants you to change he doesn't want you. Love is unconditional. If it breaks down it wasn't what you thought it was. I'm trying to think of a couple more platitudes... I hope she runs for all she is worth. One thing that always bothers me is women getting angry with other women. The other woman didn't make vows with you, so save all your wrath for the person that broke the vows. If your spouse has no respect for your marriage why should anyone else.
 
October 13, 2008, 3:42 pm CDT

Angelo just doesn't get it

Angelo is a weak man who has an excuse for his irresponsibility and cruelty towards his family. Commitment and integrity are present or they are not and excuses in heaven just won't fly. When he grows old and sick, when his children grow up disrespecting him for throwing away the family, when his wife has moved on broken from the experience of marrying a cheating, lying man who put his me before their we, it will be just another tragic statistic in a tragic shallow world. Those of us who live true lives and nurture our children with integrity and commitment understand that people either understand life as it is or they don't and live narcissistic existences as covenant breakers and whores. Sorry, it's that simple to me. Don't say the vows unless you understand how to live them. Breaks my heart...the plight of the wife and kids with yet another dishonest man.
 
October 13, 2008, 4:08 pm CDT

Comment

Quote From: ddsharper

Angelo is a weak man who has an excuse for his irresponsibility and cruelty towards his family. Commitment and integrity are present or they are not and excuses in heaven just won't fly. When he grows old and sick, when his children grow up disrespecting him for throwing away the family, when his wife has moved on broken from the experience of marrying a cheating, lying man who put his me before their we, it will be just another tragic statistic in a tragic shallow world. Those of us who live true lives and nurture our children with integrity and commitment understand that people either understand life as it is or they don't and live narcissistic existences as covenant breakers and whores. Sorry, it's that simple to me. Don't say the vows unless you understand how to live them. Breaks my heart...the plight of the wife and kids with yet another dishonest man.
I think you need help in understand your self and you are a women who is lose in the world of Corporate America as many women are today.  It is sad, that most women in America don't know the first thing about getting married to a man.  Most women don't built their husband up but only put them down.  I also, think you watch to much TV.   It is books out about how to love your man.  Remember, a man knows how to love his woman, it is the woman who run her man into another woman arms.
 
October 13, 2008, 4:11 pm CDT

comment

Quote From: marcukaiti

I think we see alot of shows regarding divorce because there are alot of married couples who are just willing to give up... What happened with "for better or for worse", I understand this man has cheated on his wife, but if he has broken it off and is sincerely sorry and wants to try hard and work this out, then it is possible, but if he was saying "I don't love you anymore and want to be with the other woman" then it's done. He seems to know he's made huge mistakes.... the divorce papers seem to have woke him up!! He wants the marriage to be like it was when they were first married, love and romance, excitement, well that CAN happen!,  My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we've had some really good times and then some really bad times.  We just attended a "LOVE AND RESPECT" marriage conference and it has changed our marriage, I tell my friends, it's like we had a Marriage Facelift!  It takes two to Tango, two to make things work and two to make things fall apart, I am in no way condoning what Angelo has done and think that a man who cheats on his wife is weak.  They both need to take credit, do they want to stay married?? I think that people take marriage too lightly when they take their vows.  We go to school to become Dr.'s, lawyer's, Nurses, etc... we study for years to have a career, but when it comes to marriage we enter into it too lightly, not really knowing what we are getting into... The Love and Respect conference should be mandatory for people getting married, and I believe that those whose marriages are on the brink of divorce, their marriage will be transformed by this conference.  Go to www.loveandrespect.com  there is a book too, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.. Dr. Phil you should have this couple go to this marriage conference!   just my 2 cents, from a woman whose marriage has been transformed!!! 
Your comment sound like you are a very intelligent persons.
 
October 13, 2008, 4:13 pm CDT

You got served

Quote From: beaujames


The first twelve years of our marriage were not good.  I almost left several times, but did not know what I would do with our little kids, and then my faith in God wouldn't let me just walk out.

When my husband did decide to straighten out (The Lord got hold of him, not me) it took me several years to believe he would not revert to his former ways.  He has not, and we have now been married 51 years.  That is not to say that every day had a beautiful sunrise, but we both appreciate the fact that we have each other.

At our age, many of our friends are now alone due to the death of their loved one.  Every funeral we attend brings home, again, just how important it was we tried again, and again, and again, etc.

Marriage is not easy, it is a union of a man (with a set of hard wired opinions and actions) and a woman (with an equally set of hard wired opinions and actions.).  Never the twain shall meet, but become entwined, one with the other.  It is like putting your fingers together.  No two fingers are alike, but they each serve a purpose, and each hand alone does not have the power of two joined hands.

HANG IN THERE!  Even if it is only for the children's sake, they need both parents, and brutal divorces mess all the kids up (our son: case in point).

When there were bad days, I thought of arranged marriages in the old days, and maybe they had the right idea.  They matched families and qualities with which they had to live.  I chose my own husband, and he chose me.  Guess our way was the best way after all.

I happen to be another one that decided to stay and work out our issues instead of giving up on my marriage.  All my friends would advise me to leave him, and were quick to point out all his faults; and today after 23 years of marriage, having 3 wonderful children, a beautiful home and great jobs, we both look back at the bad times and agree on one thing "We are both glad we stayed together".  We talked about what the real issues were and compromised. 

 

Marriage has its ups and downs.  At some point in your life you (and only you) have to decide if it is worth saving.  If you decide it is worth saving, your partner has to feel the same way and both should do whatever it takes to work through it.  Communication is the key.

 

All those friends that told me to leave my husband 10 years ago, are today contacting dating services on the internet (and still single) looking for Mr. right.  Go figure!

 
October 13, 2008, 4:19 pm CDT

Do what's best for you and your children

Stay strong, and do what is best for you, and your children.  After all those years of marriage, and everything that you have been through, it must have taken everything in you, to file for divorce.  Watching today's show, was like looking in a mirror, with the exception of the names.

 

When he is saying ......'Lose the weight (for me), be more attentive (to me), and ensure the world revolves around me, and then I will be your husband'.  That my dear is emotional abuse!!  My husband said the same thing, and I found myself, in wanting to keep the family together, and my vows, .......doing things ,not for the benefit of our marriage, but actually for him.  These men make you feel inadequate, at the audacity of being fat and bald, and not looking like Denzel Washington, that we are not lovable, until we meet their level of acceptance.  Right there, we are belittling our selves, and sending our children (who see everything) the wrong message of self esteem.

 

I too tried to lose weight after discovering the affair, and increased the sex and attentiveness to a sickening level, out of desperation for my so-called husband, only to hear him say..........."If it's my affair that took you to become this way, then I'm not sorry that it happened".  That was my wake-up call then to note that it's not about him, but about us, and it takes two...........and as my dear mother put it, "you can't make no one love you, no matter how much you try".  I realized that they may love you, because we're the mother of their children, but if they are not "IN LOVE" with you, then you are only bringing an endless life of pain in your marriage, and from watching the show today, ................you are a beautiful and educated woman, who deserves better.  Sometimes, when we try to hold on, to the wrong man we should have let go, we are not allowing room for the right man, who we deserve, to come in. 

 

As for the children:  My oldest child who was an A student, dropped down to C;s and D's, because the fighting, the crying, and leaving in the night to follow his dad, in hopes of catching him in a lie.  It took a counselling session with my child, to realize, that he was losing respect for me, for not standing up to, and constantly giving into his dad. 

 

It not an easy decision to decide what is best for you, and especially your children.  But chasing him down everytime, to confirm that he is the liar, that he is, only takes from you, not him.  It only boosts his ego, and does nothing to improve you, or your marriage.  As long as he feels cheating is the resolution to your marriage, he is not worth having you in his life, and is extremely selfish, and trust me, will never change.

 

I hope you stuck to your guns, and didn't give in.  Stay strong, learn to put yourself first, and live life to the fullest with your children.  May God bless and keep you always.

 
October 13, 2008, 4:22 pm CDT

Congrats

Quote From: j_quantz

You want the constant intoxication of a new love, someone who focuses only on you and your needs, so when your marriage got "real" (kids, bills, work, etc.,) real life became a barrier to your immature, childish need for constant validation. Look, any two idiots can be "happy" when everything is hearts and flowers and the realities of life don't interfere with the infatuation two people have with each other at the beginning of a romance. It's when real life happens that we either step up to the plate and act like a mature adult or we retreat and "hook up" with another person who has no history with us and who we can again be infatuated with and who gives us the illusion that it's all about us. Angelo, you are an immature man-child who is not ready for the challenges of a real life relationship, and your wife has realized that you aren't  the man she thought you were. Getting pregnant over and over knowing that Angelo was cheating wasn't the wisest thing to do either. If Angelo grows up and if both of you can do the inner work necessary to become mature and honest and truthful about the realities of this relationship, maybe you can stay together. It will take time and patience, but the wife is taking a much bigger risk than Angelo is. Men who act as immaturely as Angelo does are a very bad risk for happy, successful marriage. Good luck, you'll both need it.
You could not have said it better!  You comments outline the truth they both are denying!  Good job!
 
October 13, 2008, 4:43 pm CDT

Been there, done that

Please think about your children.  I left my husband because he was an alcoholic and had schizophrenia problems.  It was the best thing I did for them.  One happy parent is better than two miserable ones.  T here are many one parent families these days, so don't worry about that.  As far as HE is concerned - girl, kick him to the curb!!!  He has cheated on you multiple times, what's to say he won't do it again. I wouldn't trust him.  Sorry, but this is my humble opinion.  Save yourself and your children. You deserve better.
 
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