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Topic : 01/01 You Got Served

Number of Replies: 113
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Created on : Friday, October 10, 2008, 02:46:25 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 10/13/08) Are you fighting to maintain a happy marriage and family, but find your life crumbling down around you? Maybe you’ll relate to Dr. Phil’s guests. Angelo was served with divorce papers two weeks ago but can’t bring himself to read them. His wife of 12 years, Kathy, moved out four months ago. Angelo says the divorce papers were a wake-up call, and now he’s ready to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. Kathy says she’s heard it all before. The couple has three children, and Kathy is eight months pregnant with baby number four. Dr. Phil sits down with Angelo and Kathy to see if there’s a sliver of hope for turning this marriage around. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 13, 2008, 4:45 pm CDT

Plenty of blame to go around....

I am disgusted watching these 2 people.  One is bad (him) and the other is worse (her).  He is pathetic for cheating and wanting her to be skinny and "take care of him"...A.  He is no Denzel anymore and 2.  Get a grip and "take care of yourself".  She makes me ill.....she says no but she gets pregnant to keep him and God bless those children.  They are a waste of time this couple.  They have come on the show to make themselves feel better and to say they are trying when the truth is as soon as they leave the show NOTHING will have changed.  I hate when people like this make my blood boil.
 
October 13, 2008, 4:54 pm CDT

Amen

Quote From: crayguzman

You could not have said it better!  You comments outline the truth they both are denying!  Good job!
He went as far as to say that the other relationship was not an easy one.  What does he want 2 relationships that are hard, guess what mister live is hard.Be a real man, if he can't be a husband and a father. Then hit the road Jack, it will happen all over again with his new woman.
 
October 13, 2008, 5:03 pm CDT

10/13 You Got Served

Quote From: crayguzman

I happen to be another one that decided to stay and work out our issues instead of giving up on my marriage.  All my friends would advise me to leave him, and were quick to point out all his faults; and today after 23 years of marriage, having 3 wonderful children, a beautiful home and great jobs, we both look back at the bad times and agree on one thing "We are both glad we stayed together".  We talked about what the real issues were and compromised. 

 

Marriage has its ups and downs.  At some point in your life you (and only you) have to decide if it is worth saving.  If you decide it is worth saving, your partner has to feel the same way and both should do whatever it takes to work through it.  Communication is the key.

 

All those friends that told me to leave my husband 10 years ago, are today contacting dating services on the internet (and still single) looking for Mr. right.  Go figure!

I am still a newlywed so to speak.  I have been married for 3 years.  Everyday has been a living hell.  My husband is an alcoholic, cheater and liar.  I all I can do is pray that God will touch him and help him to change.  I have a 20 month old baby boy who adores his father.  People think it is so easy to just quit and leave.  It is not, we have been separated before and he always comes back.  I love my husband, I dont love some of the things instilled in him and only he and God can change that.  I would love to know how the 2 of you made it through.  I need that encourage.  Thanks.  You are what young wifes need.
 
October 13, 2008, 5:10 pm CDT

Been there, repairing it

I enjoyed your show today, but I have to say, with what she has found out about her husband, she is better off letting him go.  Continuing to get pregnant, thinking this will keep him around is not the answer.  As Dr. Phil said, I would rather be living in a home where parents are separated then living in a home where there is constant bickering.  I know, I went through it with my husband and my son cried constantly.  He took his aggression out on the children in his pre-school.  However, we as a family chose to work our differences out and find the root of the problem and fix it.  It is hard and tough, but no one said marriage is easy. 

 

In the beginning of the year I filed for divorce.  However, there where many reasons I did, his(husband)drug abuse, I suspected he was cheating on me, he moved in with my sister and I thought they too where cheating on me.  However, counseling and a true heart to heart revealed many things.  Believe me, counseling is the best thing for a marriage when it is on the rocks. 

 

Today, we are back together, our marriage is great and we spend a lot of time with each other. Sure we still argue but not over what we use to argue about.  Now it's just trying to pick up the pieces and straighten out our finances. My husband is clean and sober, he holds a good job and I can trust him not to fall in that trap again.  The thought of loosing his only son would have killed him literally.  Their bond is inseparable. 

 

We share more happier day's now then we did in the beginning.  Our son is happier and enjoys having his father back in his life.  I don't nag about the money anymore, because we have come to a common understanding that it takes 2 to make it work, we talk our problems out and try to come to a resolution. 

 

I have also stopped being the worry wart.  We make due with what we have and try to keep it simple.

 

 
October 13, 2008, 5:17 pm CDT

Serving the Comeuppance

Dear Dr. Phil, I don’t often watch your show as it comes on at the times that I am at work. However today is Thanksgiving in Canada and I happen to catch today’s episode with Kathy & Angelo.  Frankly speaking Angelo is a pathetic, yellowed belly simpering boar with absolutely no self-respect who blames his wife for the fact that he refuses to take his head out of his derriere long enough to garner some honor and integrity.  Unfortunately Kathy it would seem in her need to hold on to her marriage is allowing the fantasy of what “could be”, “would be”, “should be” “if only” to erode her self-esteem and keep her in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I am so tired of some men blaming women for their acts of infidelity. No one held a gun to Angelo's head and commanded him to drop his draws and have sex again and again against his will. It’s just another boyish tactic to escaped taking accountability for his actions, lack of morals and poor judgments. When he is unable to adequately defend his actions he hits below the belt and gets dirty by attacking Kathy with debasing statements like he nothing wanting a big woman. Is that really the best he could come up with? Well if that is not a testament to his stupidity I don't know what is. Has the man taken a long hard look in the mirror lately? What does he think that sporting a belly equivalent to that of a six month pregnant woman is a turn on and she should be kissing the ground in gratitude for having him or does he think it’s excusable because he is a “man”? He is no L.L.Cool J for crying out loud and Kathy better wake up and smell the coffee and be present in her reality that Angelo is just not marriage/relationship material and the longer she stays in that putrid relationship the worst off she will be on all levels emotionally and psychologically included not to mention the children’s psychological state of mind. 

The truth is it wouldn’t matter how much Kathy weighed whether she was 90 lbs, 110 lbs or 350 lbs, Angelo would still cheat because cheating is seldom about the other spouse it is about the cheater, it is about character. Kathy’s weight simply provided Angelo with a tangible excuse in which he could use to defend his behavior and Kathy needs to understand that and stop waiting in hopes that he would recognize her worth.  It is time she recognizes that she does not need Angelo to validate her worth.

Kathy’s got so much going for her and she need not waste time buried in the desire to save her marriage. Once perhaps I can see it working but 8 times no, its time to give up the ghost and leave that fools belly, and his piteous childish whining.

Angelo does not truly want that marriage but stays because he is comfortable and the divorce papers has him wondering “who will take care of me”…. he simply does not want to be alone because he needs somebody to be constantly taking care of his trifling behind and he is not too sure about the “other woman” but he is concrete about Kathy.

Angelo has a whole lot of growing up to do and unless he is willing to man up and take responsibility for his thoughts, actions, words and deeds there is nothing Kathy can do to make him. He is just going along to get along.

Kathy can neither be Angelo's therapist nor his mother because she got kids of her own that need her mothering, she needs an equally responsible adult who can rise up and tow the line with here to help raise their children and if Angelo is incapable or unwilling then she must do the job for both until she finds someone who can and will meet her where she is at, who will value her and what she has to offer and will not be afraid of work it takes to sustain a relationship, participate in the household duties and is familiar with the words and actions of honor and integrity.

 
October 13, 2008, 5:35 pm CDT

let em go

She is entitled to a divorce according to scripture. I could not believe that he was talking about her weight. He is a fat head! What mirror has he been looking in? She has got too much going on for her to let him drag her down. Get on with the shared parenting plan, and your life girly! God bless you!
 
October 13, 2008, 5:50 pm CDT

Kathy...don't drop the divorce suit

All I can say Kathy, is that I have been where you are and I got conned into dropping my suit. "Oh baby, we will make it work, but I can't focus on us with that divorce suit hanging over my head".  I wanted to make my marriage work, so I dropped the papers...3 days later, he filed on me and kicked me out of the house.

 

For goodness sakes, if you live in a community property state remember this gospel:  He who files first always wins!

 

Good luck...once a cheater, always a cheater.

 
October 13, 2008, 6:58 pm CDT

How eloquent

Quote From: j_quantz

You want the constant intoxication of a new love, someone who focuses only on you and your needs, so when your marriage got "real" (kids, bills, work, etc.,) real life became a barrier to your immature, childish need for constant validation. Look, any two idiots can be "happy" when everything is hearts and flowers and the realities of life don't interfere with the infatuation two people have with each other at the beginning of a romance. It's when real life happens that we either step up to the plate and act like a mature adult or we retreat and "hook up" with another person who has no history with us and who we can again be infatuated with and who gives us the illusion that it's all about us. Angelo, you are an immature man-child who is not ready for the challenges of a real life relationship, and your wife has realized that you aren't  the man she thought you were. Getting pregnant over and over knowing that Angelo was cheating wasn't the wisest thing to do either. If Angelo grows up and if both of you can do the inner work necessary to become mature and honest and truthful about the realities of this relationship, maybe you can stay together. It will take time and patience, but the wife is taking a much bigger risk than Angelo is. Men who act as immaturely as Angelo does are a very bad risk for happy, successful marriage. Good luck, you'll both need it.

 

 

.... You've made observations that are right on target and I can appreciate your comments. I agree that the fairytale of marriage is just that a fairytale. If a person only lives in an idealistic vision of life they'll never live a (real) life. Its unfortunate that (they) are amongst us. I am one who is idealistic with clear vision of aspects of life will not be ideal yet sustainable.

 
October 13, 2008, 7:10 pm CDT

Fat guy

Quote From: breeze7

She is entitled to a divorce according to scripture. I could not believe that he was talking about her weight. He is a fat head! What mirror has he been looking in? She has got too much going on for her to let him drag her down. Get on with the shared parenting plan, and your life girly! God bless you!
I am constantly amazed at the men who are obviously overweight saying that they don't like their wives or significant others to weigh more than the guys think they should. And I agree with Dr. Phil that most children would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home.

Also from experience I believe that once a cheater always a cheater.

She should get out and make sure that the courts make sure he provides for his children.
 
October 13, 2008, 7:14 pm CDT

I understand

Kathy, I understand exactly what you're going through. Our situations are so similar! My ex-husband behaved so much like yours--his appearance even reminds me  of my ex! I filed for divorce and did the whole counseling bit like you, but my counselor told us the opposite of what dr. Phil said--he wanted us to work it out. I lasted about 3 sessions. I couldn't take his self-rightous attitude anymore. He had disrespected me on so many levels. I felt such a peace when he was out of my house. I started to love myself again. It's hard to love yourself when you're with a critical, angry, selfish and immature person.

 

It' tough when you're going through it and the pain may always be there, but having peace of mind is worth it. Also, you cannot not teach your daughters how to love themselves when you stay with a man that is not worthy of you. It is a process, so allow yourself to grieve and be angry. It subsides after time.

 

Don't give up on love. I didn't think anyone would be interested in a single mom with 2 boys, but that was not the case at all! They're are good black men out there! I've been dating one for a year now. I'm glad to have another shot at love.

 
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