Topic : 01/01 You Got Served

I enjoyed your show today, but I have to say, with what she has found out about her husband, she is better off letting him go.  Continuing to get pregnant, thinking this will keep him around is not the answer.  As Dr. Phil said, I would rather be living in a home where parents are separated then living in a home where there is constant bickering.  I know, I went through it with my husband and my son cried constantly.  He took his aggression out on the children in his pre-school.  However, we as a family chose to work our differences out and find the root of the problem and fix it.  It is hard and tough, but no one said marriage is easy. 

In the beginning of the year I filed for divorce.  However, there where many reasons I did, his(husband)drug abuse, I suspected he was cheating on me, he moved in with my sister and I thought they too where cheating on me.  However, counseling and a true heart to heart revealed many things.  Believe me, counseling is the best thing for a marriage when it is on the rocks. 

Today, we are back together, our marriage is great and we spend a lot of time with each other. Sure we still argue but not over what we use to argue about.  Now it's just trying to pick up the pieces and straighten out our finances. My husband is clean and sober, he holds a good job and I can trust him not to fall in that trap again.  The thought of loosing his only son would have killed him literally.  Their bond is inseparable. 

We share more happier day's now then we did in the beginning.  Our son is happier and enjoys having his father back in his life.  I don't nag about the money anymore, because we have come to a common understanding that it takes 2 to make it work, we talk our problems out and try to come to a resolution. 

I have also stopped being the worry wart.  We make due with what we have and try to keep it simple.

Dear Dr. Phil, I don’t often watch your show as it comes on at the times that I am at work. However today is Thanksgiving in Canada and I happen to catch today’s episode with Kathy & Angelo.  Frankly speaking Angelo is a pathetic, yellowed belly simpering boar with absolutely no self-respect who blames his wife for the fact that he refuses to take his head out of his derriere long enough to garner some honor and integrity.  Unfortunately Kathy it would seem in her need to hold on to her marriage is allowing the fantasy of what “could be”, “would be”, “should be” “if only” to erode her self-esteem and keep her in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I am so tired of some men blaming women for their acts of infidelity. No one held a gun to Angelo's head and commanded him to drop his draws and have sex again and again against his will. It’s just another boyish tactic to escaped taking accountability for his actions, lack of morals and poor judgments. When he is unable to adequately defend his actions he hits below the belt and gets dirty by attacking Kathy with debasing statements like he nothing wanting a big woman. Is that really the best he could come up with? Well if that is not a testament to his stupidity I don't know what is. Has the man taken a long hard look in the mirror lately? What does he think that sporting a belly equivalent to that of a six month pregnant woman is a turn on and she should be kissing the ground in gratitude for having him or does he think it’s excusable because he is a “man”? He is no L.L.Cool J for crying out loud and Kathy better wake up and smell the coffee and be present in her reality that Angelo is just not marriage/relationship material and the longer she stays in that putrid relationship the worst off she will be on all levels emotionally and psychologically included not to mention the children’s psychological state of mind. 

The truth is it wouldn’t matter how much Kathy weighed whether she was 90 lbs, 110 lbs or 350 lbs, Angelo would still cheat because cheating is seldom about the other spouse it is about the cheater, it is about character. Kathy’s weight simply provided Angelo with a tangible excuse in which he could use to defend his behavior and Kathy needs to understand that and stop waiting in hopes that he would recognize her worth.  It is time she recognizes that she does not need Angelo to validate her worth.

Kathy’s got so much going for her and she need not waste time buried in the desire to save her marriage. Once perhaps I can see it working but 8 times no, its time to give up the ghost and leave that fools belly, and his piteous childish whining.

Angelo does not truly want that marriage but stays because he is comfortable and the divorce papers has him wondering “who will take care of me”…. he simply does not want to be alone because he needs somebody to be constantly taking care of his trifling behind and he is not too sure about the “other woman” but he is concrete about Kathy.

Angelo has a whole lot of growing up to do and unless he is willing to man up and take responsibility for his thoughts, actions, words and deeds there is nothing Kathy can do to make him. He is just going along to get along.

Kathy can neither be Angelo's therapist nor his mother because she got kids of her own that need her mothering, she needs an equally responsible adult who can rise up and tow the line with here to help raise their children and if Angelo is incapable or unwilling then she must do the job for both until she finds someone who can and will meet her where she is at, who will value her and what she has to offer and will not be afraid of work it takes to sustain a relationship, participate in the household duties and is familiar with the words and actions of honor and integrity.

All I can say Kathy, is that I have been where you are and I got conned into dropping my suit. "Oh baby, we will make it work, but I can't focus on us with that divorce suit hanging over my head".  I wanted to make my marriage work, so I dropped the papers...3 days later, he filed on me and kicked me out of the house.

For goodness sakes, if you live in a community property state remember this gospel:  He who files first always wins!

Good luck...once a cheater, always a cheater.

.... You've made observations that are right on target and I can appreciate your comments. I agree that the fairytale of marriage is just that a fairytale. If a person only lives in an idealistic vision of life they'll never live a (real) life. Its unfortunate that (they) are amongst us. I am one who is idealistic with clear vision of aspects of life will not be ideal yet sustainable.

Kathy, I understand exactly what you're going through. Our situations are so similar! My ex-husband behaved so much like yours--his appearance even reminds me  of my ex! I filed for divorce and did the whole counseling bit like you, but my counselor told us the opposite of what dr. Phil said--he wanted us to work it out. I lasted about 3 sessions. I couldn't take his self-rightous attitude anymore. He had disrespected me on so many levels. I felt such a peace when he was out of my house. I started to love myself again. It's hard to love yourself when you're with a critical, angry, selfish and immature person.

It' tough when you're going through it and the pain may always be there, but having peace of mind is worth it. Also, you cannot not teach your daughters how to love themselves when you stay with a man that is not worthy of you. It is a process, so allow yourself to grieve and be angry. It subsides after time.

Don't give up on love. I didn't think anyone would be interested in a single mom with 2 boys, but that was not the case at all! They're are good black men out there! I've been dating one for a year now. I'm glad to have another shot at love.