Topic : 01/01 You Got Served

I agree that you are enabling this behavior.  However, if you are serious about making your marriage work, you need to take control.  Some women (especially in abusive relationships) give men the upper hand and let them make the rules.  If you put your foot down and make the rules, then it's up to him to "win back" your trust.  You can love someone and still not be compatible with them.  And don't let him blame you!  We all make our own choices in life.  Take a stand now while it's just you and 1 child...take it from someone who's been there.   I made the choice to leave after 8 yrs and I found that I could've done it alot sooner and been better off!

Kathy,  You are an itelligent woman.  You are so articulate and attractive...and you're 8 mos pregnant.  I know what I looked like at 8 mos...it wasn't as fabulous as you look.   Angelo should take a look in the mirror.  If he looked like Taye Diggs...maybe he'd have a leg to stand on.  But he doesn't!   All that being said, you need to realize you can do this on your own.  You've obviously been doing it for the past few years anyway.  What would change?  He hasn't been home to help with the children, or the "life chores" or to maintain this marriage.  What would be the difference at this point?   If you're worried about having a companion in your life, stop worrying now!   You would easily be able to meet a decent, loving partner.  If you're worried about money, Angelo will be paying child support which should ease the burden and you have an MBA...I'm sure there is something out there for you that would allow you to work from home, and help you with childcare expenses.  As for the "actress"...sounds like that's all she is!  How long before she would be demanding that he take care of her...instead of her taking care of him.  It's so easy to take care of someone's dry cleaning and food preferences when that's all you have in life.  Sounds like she's looing for a meal ticket or a sugar daddy...well, that won't happen once the child support order & spousal support is in place!    One piece of advice, make sure you get college funding for your children in your child custody/support order.  I didn't think that far in advance, and I didn't do it.  

Just keep moving forward and know that you are blessed to be aware of all that's going on and you can use this to make yourself stronger and get the respect and love you so deserve!!

I'm so happy to hear that you bounced back into life and found someone who really loves and cares for you.  Most of all, you found the love for yourself again.   It's amazing to me that we, as women, wait so long to leave and after we do, we realize how much better off we are.  I was in a loveless, verbally & emotionally abusive marriage for 8 yrs and after I left I said, "Geez, I should've done this years ago".  It was like th e weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.  I have a child from that marriage, who is now in college and I'm so proud of all of our accomplishments.  I met my current husband 11 yrs ago and we are now married 8 yrs and we raised my child together and it's been a blessing.  Best to you!!

 

The moment that man said that he would probably go back to the other woman if things did not work out with his wife would be a deal breaker to me.  My God why would anyone want to stay with a man that has a back up woman?

One time he cheats, I may be able to forgive; second time he cheats, I'd be cutting something off.

 

Why in the world would you stay with someone like that.  AND for him to say on national TV that if it didn't work out with you he still has "her."  Oh boy, he'd have a couple of things cut off.

 

Get out and find out what a real man can do for you - you are beautiful and don't have to take any of his crap!  Take your kids and get on with your life.

 

You know what he's really afraid of don't you?  Child Support - that's why he doesn't want to let go now, you've served the papers and now he's scared stiff of paying you the hundreds of dollars each month you deserve to take care of those kids.  If he stays with you he doesn't - GET IT?

He NEEDS to grow up? He should have already grown up 12 years ago when he said, "I do".  He should have grown up when the first little girl arrived.  What I am hearing in your statement is that she should just give him ANOTHER chance simply because she has to take into consideration the fact that she couldn't possibly raise those four children on her own? Well, for starters she shouldn't raise those babies on her own, he should be a father. Obviously he isn't cut out to be a husband. I say this because he didn't have the guts to say, "I am just not happy".  She didn't give up, she just got tired of chasing him.  Granted, she should have stopped making  babies with him years ago, I think there is a hidden deep reasoning for that course of action.  Perhaps that was her way of trying to hold on. It seems to have back fired on her.  I think she should leave the marriage, if not for her sake, but for the sake of her children. Her children should not grow up having that as a templete for their future relationships. Those poor little girls. Will they someday have husbands just like that only because mommie did it and to them it's normal? I feel for this family. I left an abusive first marriage so that my boys wouldn't grow up thinking they could treat their wives in an abusive manner. Now, I have a didn't situation with my second marriage. I have two little girls.  I have what feels like a loveless marriage and a new problem. Do I now allow my girls to witness a marriage with no communication, respect, love? Do I allow them to someday put themselves in a similar situation because, "thats how mom and dad did it?" I wish all the best to Kathy and I hope her husband will someday open his eyes.  He may be hurting his wife, but she is a grown woman. She can make her own choices, However, those children will not have that freedom. They will be locked into a world of lies and hurt. Only because they don't know any better.

It is truly amazing as to how some people can be so self centered. My husband and I were married in Vegas 4 years ago, he showed my children and I what a wonderful person he was but after we were married it all turned around and became all about him. We were in the process of adopting a child and he then decided that the ex wife had a better offer with buying him a new boat and loads of fun trips. He took off. He came back home stating that he would never leave again, however, he has done so now seven times in the past year, each time coming back home saying everything I want to hear. The actions however are not, he works, comes home eats and sits in front of a TV. He is not involved with my children, and he does not want to be involved in anything that has to do with our home.  It seems that the only thing that makes him happy is sex. As to which, there is not alot of simply because I just dont have the emotional feelings towards him that would make me want to.  He is like the man on the show, all he talks about is wanting our life like it was when we were dating.  This is my thoughts on that, relationships should mature and grow, and develope into more than just a physical attraction and high school crushes. There should be trust, there should be commitment, love and true faithfulness towards one another as well as towards the family that you share. Sex is something that should bring the husband and wife closer and it is a way of being initmate with your spouse, when you stray from that you lose what you had, and it should not be the other spouses job to try to bring the cheating spouse back to the relationship to where it was when you were dating.  I feel, the one who cheated needs to grow up and own up to their mistakes and either let the marriage go or let the other person go. So far, my husband is home with me for now but like the husband in this show, he holds onto the other just in case I throw him out.

A little about me.  I'm a woman now well in my forties and loving them -- truly.  I think for all women particularly when you get to be my age, the ability to self reflect is crucial.  Yesterday's shows was again an awakening as I've been reviewing my marriage as well. 

 

I wanted to share my opinion and get some feedback from not just women, but especially the men.  My first impression of the husband in question was "pure insensitivity and an absolute lack of remorse or even embarrassment".  How about his prerequisite for making it work with his wife. What a cry baby, I want it like it use to be.................what planet is he on?  HOW?! with the damage he's caused to trust and even respect him.

 

I thought HOW -- even if she wants to -- does she bridge what appears to be a very large gap.  Even on national television, her husband could not do the acting he did while living a life of deceit.  My thought was "get rid of the garbage".  You can't clean this up and why should she. 

 

This said, this is me the woman passing judgment and without being inside that marriage.  How dear me or anyone judge what we can't fully see?  WHY -- did she continue to reward him with the very thing that kept him going to the other woman "SEX" and why bless him with the gift of a child?

 

I am a woman in my second marriage.  I reared two sons out of wedlock prior to my first marriage.  Funny the first marriage was to someone I dated for 3 years and never lived with.  He paid his bills and I paid mine while dating.  I left him after 3 years because no sign of commitment was showing. 

 

After one year, I started a new relationship (gave myself time to reflect) and it was not until my X felt threatened by what was really a wonderful four month relationship I started that he asked me to marry him.  Foolishly, I threw away my current relationship to go back to him. 

 

After just three months, I discovered I'd married a child (he was the youngest of 10 children) and a man with a big EGO that spelled total irresponsibility.  When we showed bank statements I had money saved and he was just blowing his.  Good income, but aside from his Pension was just blowing it.  Note: he had "A" rated credit and my credit was challenged given the struggles of single parenthood, but I had managed to save a good bit. Well, this made him very insecure.  He simply refused to pay household expenses with the concensus that he did not need to because I had more money than he in the bank -- go figure. 

 

I realized that the image I had raised my son's with was a better examples of a male figure than he and I decided, I've already got two sons and don't want to raise another -- with his own child.  I got a divorce immediately. Even then he was screaming he wanted a piece of my pie -- pie I had before the marriage. SO -- did he really marry me or the money?

 

Well, my second marriage is already ten years old with two years prior time serviced -- lol (1 year courtship and 1 with engagement and we lived in status -- prior to marrying him).  Well, no children were planned since I already had two sons and he two children from his prior marriage.  Well, I got pregnant (missed menses were not unusual due to another problem and we didn't know). 

 

Anyway, it was after the baby (precious little girl) was born I discovered infidelity. The man I put on this pedestal was cheating.  Well, we got through that. Then I discovered phone numbers on my cell account I did not recognize, I waited for his arrival and I told him we have several calls to make because it appears you have quite a bit of business communication that is unresolved.  Literally, I made him call every number -- and there were several.  I made it clear to each of the women that until I died, they would have just equipment and when it stopped operating --- I would definitely collect on my investment. I made it clear that as it was easy to just call them it would be just as easy to find out their personal information and name them in a divorce suit that would also be public record.  I told them I want to be clear that if you didn't know or want to know -- I'm telling you now and to back off. 

 

 With him and mine you, he had every excuse for WHY and no good reason -- I had all the accounts online for my reference and in my name except what he paid himself. I checked the mileage on the vehicle every day and I got the timesheets for hours worked versus time off.  Anytime he wanted to test what I could ask for, i would remind him that the courts will assist my subpeana for an income expense report at any time.  I also had my attorney draw up what childsupport and alimony would look like. SO -- I didn't do alot of crying or chatting about why he was having sex with other women -- this when I never said NO.  Instead, I told him on no uncertain terms where we married in-love now -- it's a contract and I'm enforcing the rules.

 

 I forgot to mention the GYN visits his escapades caused me given unprotected sex -- all documented well for my future use.  Sadly, some of which I will have to live with the rest of my life.  Well, you would think this was it.  The next GO was -- he decided to leave in the middle of the night -- mind you on July 4th.  You can imagine what a big to do I make him do on THAT holiday now -- lol. Anyway, before I realized this was his choice,  I filed a missing persons report thinking something is just wrong as he would never do THAT -- as all his items and even the cars and even medications were still home.  Well, wants again -- I did my work and the detectives found him, like a fool I took him back.  SO -- you say WHY?

 

Well, if I go back to when we had our daughter and the discussion we had about this as I was already almost 40 mind you, she was a C baby and I did 7 months bedrest.  I made it clear that she would not be a little girl without her father and that he would be more than just a check in the mail.  More importantly, at 3 years old she understood when he was gone and had not returned. Try explaining this to a child crying herself to sleep...........................I put up with this for her because I felt I could bare the burden if she were happy.  I've shielded her all these years with fire under his butt................I don't work any longer and I make sure he does with good income (with my HR Background I write his resume and negotiate his benefit packages -- and it's a good thing because he doesn't even know how). 

 

During the period all of this happened I was the sole income and he was dealing with some medical issues. Well, I figured if he could do all this damage, he could darn well stand like a man and that he would take care of the business of our family.

 

I want to point out that -- I've never forgiven him -- not because I don't want to, but because of arrogance and the same kind of insensitivity I saw when I watched this show and that couple. By the way, forgive doesn't not translate to forget.  We can't forget if we are constantly reminded by actions of this type of man. 

 

Instead, I turn my anger into his proaction and I accept nothing less. Oh we go at it all the time, but I have a 4000 sq. ft. home and I know how to shut him out as well.  My life was full before him and my children make me happy. When this isn't enough I call my friends.  I don't have the companionship I prefer, but the irony is neither does he because guess what -- the equipment stopped working!  I always told him I will look up longer than you will look down.  So, this is where we are.

 

The way I see it is that I have about 12 more years as I want my daughter (age 9) on solid grown when I make the change. For now, I have the support of men and platonic relationships -- really in which I can go out and enjoy my interests.  When he's not willing to go-- I do and without even hesitation. 

 

The thing is all my men friends are very public to him as I gave him a list and they all were introduced and throughout my marriage, they've also kept tabs on me.  Most of which by the way are married now as well.  There wives are like my sisters now.  I don't share all the dirt in our home with them or it would give a bad taste, but he knows he can't take this from me and I remind him -- atleast I'm not sleeping around with anyone and without my friends ---- you can count on me having a more intimate companion. So, he lives with it.

 

If we go back to the show, Dr. Phil indicated the hardship to children and he also indicated if she or women are going to remain in such situations you must have guidlines -- WELL let me tell you, mine are very clear.  Now -- I even invite him to leave, but I remind him with the income you have now, I can be real comfortable with you gone -- go right ahead, but I can guarantee without your equipment working and no money.......another woman will wear tired real quick! 

 

I can wait another 12 years to have piece for the sake of my daughter. YES -- she is worth my every sacrafice.  She attends a wonderful School and is doing well and is very confident. The realities I give her are "what not to seek in her future mate" such that she is young and we are raising her Catholic -- divorce is not an option for me now, but I'm trusting in the Lord to maintain this sherade(sp?)

 

I could divorce him and collect, but holding him responsible for his actions gives me so much more pleasure. Some things you really can't pay for.

 

PS/Young women (20s) I don't think this is what you should do, but as I'm older and have established a few things for me already, I choose this. REMEMBER -- we always have choice and WE REALLY DO TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US.  It's unfortunate when we don't know that we are being taken advantage of, but once you know -- you really are in control.  Don't be a victim!

 

Thanks Dr. Phil -- for providing a forum to make this exchange. 

 

MysturyMs

Actually in some States, you can sue for child-support while still married.  This, if he is not being financially responsible.  Just call any attorney and get a free consultation.

 

Also, as the MRS. she should be keeping the books or make that a rule for his staying and allot what the children need...................... Be sure to put it in writing, it will be recognized if Divorce is the ultimate.

When I saw this show the only thing that I could think of after the first five minutes was something that a friend told me once:

"How many times do you have to bang your head against a brick wall to figure out that it hurts?"

 

I think that statement is worth it's weight in gold in this case!

 

This man is an embarrassment!! He's not going to change either. Had I been in the wife's place I would have left after the first cheating episode, especially considering the fact that the children there know what is going on. I hope those little girls have another male role model in their life, a good one, and are taught to respect themselves and to expressly avoid men like their father.

 

Hubby isn't going to change, he didn't change the first time, nor the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth, so don't even bother to stay and try and normalize the situation for your kids, because in the long run it's just going to hurt them.

 

With certain individuals you just need to cut your losses and go.