Topic : 07/31 The Bridge Controversy - Tragic Choice

What goes around comes around. At some point in their lives these judgmental people will be enlightened, and it won't be a pleasant experience.

When I was 13, my mom took an overdose of pills. She almost died.  Three days later she came

home from the psych ward and life went on.  Being from a very small town in NJ..my life changed with this news.My father had hooked up with a call girl the night before she did this, and the girl called my mom when he didn't pay her enough. It was also their anniversary.  WE never talked about it.  But the focus

at my Junior High was now 'that incident'.  I left class one day and said, 'I think I will kill myself'.

Life changed more... and I was in the schools phychiatric department once a week   Two years later, I did try.  Only my parents knew... but I was so depressed. Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with depression.

I have been 'in treatment' for most of my life.  No surprise.  My father married many times, and was estranged from his three daughters.  17 years ago he blew his head off.  I knew he had tendancies to do so and had asked his bride to please remove his guns from the house.  She didn't and six months later

while she was out of town, he managed a shotgun to his head and pulled the trigger.  Done.

Knowing that this is a family matter, I worry sometimes that I will get to that point.  No passion, no

real feelings about anything.  The show today caught my attention.  I am glad it caught my attention.

I have been in an awful funk for months and although I am not thinking about suicide, I don't have any

hope I will get better..  When asked this question by my new doctor, I said " I don't want to kill myself, but

I seem to take risks that could lead to that..  " driving fast, etc.... I fear one day I will say

'that's it'.  But I remember how we felt as kids that both of our parents wanted to die. Both felt hopeless.

I want to climb out of this hole I am in...  don't have the energy to do so.. or want to do so. .  Shows like

this one remind us how awful suicide is to families.  The movie, I doubt I will go see..  too close to home.

I have a wonderful family. and they love me, as I do them. And God willing, I will never leave them

to deal with suicide.  It's an awful choice, but one that ends the pain.  Thank you for the forum to release

these thoughts.  Thank you very very  much.

Having lived with depression, thoughts and several attempts of suicide over the years, I do know how a person in this state of mind feels.  I do understand.  My last "attempt" at the age of 43 will be my last.  With the support of my husband I was able to finally find the help that I so desperately needed.  Finally people were not telling me that I was "crazy", had "mental" problems.........other people are the worst enemy of  a

depressed person, they have no way of knowing or understanding what is going on and unfortunately many of them don't take the time to try to listen or understand. 

I am here to say I AM ALIVE.....I AM HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!  I know how difficult it is to believe that it will

"get better" or that things will change, but it CAN GET BETTER, it CAN CHANGE.  You need to have faith in YOURSELF and in God.    If you have to search for the right help then keep searching, it is out there somewhere, you may just have to dig a little deeper for it.  When I think about what I did to my family, more importantly to myself, it makes me sad.  I wish I could help people during this part of their lives.  I am here if anyone needs someone to listen.......lol.....or to type too.  Please don't hesitate.

I have told my story on this issue, but I have one solution that helped me in my teen years and it

was probably what saved me from myself.  My doctor, the school shrink, noted I had two study halls in the mornings... so he had me go to another campus in our small town and work with the  special

education teacher with her class.   The one thing I learned from that experience was the gratitude these

kids had for every little thing you did for them...   AND I had zero, none, nada, reason to complain about my own life. It helped me so much.  I felt I had value.  I think that is what it boils down to.. value.

Find value in yourself... it could be sorting magazines at a nursing home, but do something that you

find value in.. there are so many out there that are dying, and would give anything for life.....

If you can help one of them, it might just save yours.  Just a thought.. but your hopelessness scares me.

I wish I could reach out to you and tell you someone does care. 12 step programs are all about helping

one another...  Think a SA would help the world?    Find someone to care about... the reciprical love

comes naturally.  God Bless.