Topic : 07/31 The Bridge Controversy - Tragic Choice

  Although this isn't about suicide, I have to write this anyway. Many of the people on this message board already know this part of my life. My husband's son was killed in a horrible car accident when he was only 20 years old. He was my beautiful step-son that I loved as my own.

  I have read so many messages under this topic where parents who have lost a child to suicide are having such a terrible time dealing with it, and feel suicidal themselves. What I want to tell you that life will go on. You will never forget your child, your heart will never truly mend from this tragedy. But as time goes by it becomes easier to deal with and you learn to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. This happened to us almost 20 years ago. Yes, of course it still hurts, but had my husband taken his own life over it there is so much beauty that he would have missed out on.

  Luckily, he has 2 other children, although they can never fill the void that has been left in our hearts. But since then we have become grandparents. And yes, every time a new grandchild is born, we realize that we will never see the children that our beloved son would have had. But it never, never alters the joy we feel when we get to hold a new grandchild and watch them grow.

  Losing a loved one is hard, I should know as I have lost so many in my life. I lost my father when I was 18 years old from a massive heart attack, he was only 47 years old. And he was buried on my 19th birthday. My mother lost her brother, then her mother, then my father all within 6 months of each other. That was 3 loved ones in 12 months! But she had to learn to go on also. She was only 43 at the time.

  I just want to tell everyone, time does heal all wounds. I know it's the most difficult thing a person can ever go through, believe me I know. But as I said, life does go on. One day you will actually have the capacity to feel happy again. Please don't give up, and please think about the people that you would hurt just as you have already been hurt yourself.

  And I also want to say to everyone, suicidal thoughts are NOT something to be ashamed of. Many people have them and it's usually caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. To those of you who have them, continue to seek help wherever you can and don't give up. For those of you who do not understand this and feel others are selfish, or seeking attention, educate yourselves and never, never, say something derogatory to someone who is going through this. They have enough problems without others adding to them.

As I sit here and watch tonight’s show on suicide and the documentary, “The Bridge”, I can’t help but reflect on my own personal experience with this issue.

I fear that suicide will become an epidemic within the next year as people struggle to cope with the declining economy and their own personal issues.

I attempted suicide at age 17 shortly after disclosing to my parents a dark secret that my dad’s brother sexually abused me for several years.  I received immediate intervention.  However, depression has plagued me my entire life.

Four years ago, I contemplated suicide but couldn’t get my children out of my head and I called my mom the day I was going to do it.  I was in therapy during that time with a cognitive therapist.  When I arrived for a session, she knew something was wrong and I was immediately instructed to go to a hospital.

Prior to that session, I felt I needed help and I began to research facilities, but had not completed my research.  When my therapist instructed me to go to the hospital, I felt overwhelmed, as I had not researched the facility she told me to go to.  I sat in my car in her driveway and called my dad as he taught me to conduct research on everything.  He convinced me to go.

I spent two weeks in the hospital followed by two weeks of outpatient therapy.  While in the hospital, I met my current boyfriend who was there for depression as well.

To make a long story short, within a year of being released from the hospital, I got divorced and my whole life changed and it hasn’t improved since.  I now live with the man I met in the hospital and it isn’t a healthy relationship by any means. 

A year ago,  I was laid off from a job that I worked for ten years.  I have struggled to find employment.  This, combined with my home life and other issues, has raised my depression level. 

A month ago, I quit taking Zoloft cold turkey as I cannot afford meds anymore.  I am in jeopardy of losing my home, car, etc.  Everything is going wrong in my life and a lot of it is my fault.  On a DAILY basis, I think of suicide and some days I have really considered it. 

On the outside I appear to be a happy go lucky person with a great sense of humor.  But the fact of the matter is that I hide behind the laughter.

I have written, but not completed a “good bye” letter that is currently on this computer.  When I think of committing suicide I almost always think of my children and what it would do to them.  I also have a new 4 month old grandbaby that I consider as well.

My sister-in-law lost her father to suicide as he lost his job and felt he could not support his family any longer.  His suicide completely devastated her and her mom as well as my family.  Her mom desperately searched for a letter, but that letter was never written.

My fear is that, although I feel I have control over my suicidal thoughts, will there come a time where enough is enough and the thought of my children and what this could do to them is not enough for me to stop.

Although I do own a gun, I couldn’t do it that way.  I’ve thought of a different way.

I struggle everyday to improve my life, but I feel alone, haven’t any support and seem to be spinning in circles.  My daughter, 18, has called me on my “bad” days and she worries I’m sure.

I am almost 33 years old and MY FATHER commited sucide when I was 19....  he was ONLY 36! He shot himself in the chest. My Mom found him.  This changed my life lke I could have never imagined. He was always a "different" person, never 100% happy, I think he spent his whole life depressed. I  knew he was unhappy. My Mom and I tryed to help him..  He did NOT want help. He wouldn't even let anybody other than my Mom know what was going on with him. My Great Grandpa and my cousin killed themselves also, both of which I knew, but was never "super close" to. Also, my OTHER Grandma's brother  ( my moms side of the family) commited suicide.  I am posting this because I know there are others out there that maybe I could help.... just by telling my story. Depression is extremely difficult to live with but you just do NOT know how negatively suicide affects the rest of the family, the rest of the world!  I miss my Dad so much STILL every single day! It has been over 13 years ago now, and it still HURTS. I know my own life has suffered because I have lived with the loneliness of not having my Dad. He has missed out on so many things in my life, as I have missed MANY things that WOULD have been HIS LIFE! He would have been 50 last month!  My Dads Mother ( my Grandma ) just passed away on October 16, 2008. LAST THURSDAY. I just got home from her funeral last night.  I could go on and ON AND ON AND ONNNNNN!!!!!!  The main thing I want you to know...  WHOEVER is reading this......  is that YOU are special and MANY people LOVE YOU!  Death is never easy, watever the cause...  but ending your own life just isnt fair to ANYONE.....       EVERY life is worth living. I miss my Dad and Grandma SOOOOO much and would do anything to have them both here with me now.... 

Hello, I wanted to send you a message back because I have been affected by suicide. My own Dad shot himself when he was only 36 yrs old, I was 19....  I am now almost 33. That was the absolute WORST day of my life. I will never be able to change it. I miss him SO terribly bad, it hurts every day. My whole family has suffered. I was his only child. After I lost him, I just didnt know how I was going to live without him. I have suffered from depression all my life, in some way shape or form, but OF COURSE.... IT GREATLY INCRESSED after his death. I have not been abe to sleep right, and have had nightmares almost nightly since he died. I have been on and off medication for years. I am telling you this because YOU have children and I want you to know, THEY DO NOT DESERVE to suffer this kind of pain. You are LOVED and THEY NEED you, just like I NEED and LOVE my DAD!!!  Please don't do this to them. If you have never tryed to get help, you should! My DAD would not accept help. He would never even tell anyone but my mom what he was going through. He just tryed to deal with it alone. I know if he could have known how terribly it would affect us, he wouldnt have done it.  I would love to talk to you more if you'd like!!  Carrie

Try  Catholic Charities(specifically, the L.O.S.S. program),) or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention ( AFSP,) or even the Willow Creek church.   Catholic Charities has the "Loving Outreach to Suicide Survivers", (LOSS) program that has meetings where families can meet and also has 8 wk. educational sessions for a nominal fee.  Willow Creek is a nondemonitional church that happens to have tremendous programs for support, such as divorce, grief, and other issues.  You do not have to go to church or even be Christian or Catholic to go to these organizations.  For a nominal fee, most around 15-35 dollars, you can attend the educational sessions.  Most groups are free.  It sounds like your daughter  needs intensive psychiatric help, not just family and group support, as important as that all may be.  If she can prove she is in treatment, she may be able to get her kids back if the court was who took them out of her home to begin with.  You didn't mention HOW they came to leave, just that she couldn't have them anymore.  Some psychiatric diagnoses can put others in danger, not just the patient.  Again, you didn't say specifically if she was diagnosed with something.  GET HER TO A DOCTOR and then a good custody lawyer who can help.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention also has loads of educational and research available for anyone.  All these places you can "Google" to get the websites.

Godspeed, and good luck

There are better options:

1. Get a different doctor and therapist, they should have called 911 if you were suicidal in the office visit. In that state of mind, which is not a rational one, doing research is NOT an option. 

2. Ask about different meds.  Some meds are SIMPLY NOT A GOOD FIT.  I speak from experience, that the right meds can and WILL make you better.  You can get $4 Rx's from Walmart and you haven't mentioned your age, perhaps the insurance company and/or DRUG co. can sometimes assist people with expensive meds.  The generics are usually just as good as brand name.

3. Does your father know about the abuse you suffered as a child?  You may not only be suffering from depression but also, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER which puts you at a higher risk of suicide.

4. Your Dad and family need to go to therapy too.  Suicide is a PERMANENT solution for a temporary condition.  If you are in crisis, and it seems like you are, pick up the phone and call1-800-273-8255, this is the National Suicide Prevention line.  PLEASE DO IT NOW, DO NOT WAIT!!  THERE IS HELP!!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!