Topic : 06/03 Virtual Chaos

Sorry to hear about your son. If he is immersed in a game, take him out of school NOW to avoid damage to his future GPA. Do NOT fork over any more tuition money. Go to www.olganon.org and read the "I Need Help for Parents of Gamers" forum. There are few good treatment options but there is some help out there. You can post your story there and you will get some good advice.

Yes!  I REALLY hope that there will be a follow-up show soon that can give some advice to parents how to prevent this problem when the kid goes off on his own.  I too, take plenty of measures, but I'm worried that it's not enough...or that it will work.  I still have plenty of time before the "leaving-home" dilemma since my kid is only 13, but I'd like to know if what I am doing is at all helpful.

I have a 17 year old son who over the past two years has totally lost himself in WoW and another site that writes it's own story lines.  My son has ADHD, Anxiety disorder and OCD.  With much work and support over the years I have been able to keep him on the write path until the past 2 years.  Perhaps puberty has made a drastic change in his thought process as well as his disorders.  I could go on and on and on about living with his disorders but I will not at this time.  I will tell you that like you I have a son who lives for his computer games.  He has dropped out of school and life for the most part.  Nothing and I mean nothing is as important as gaming.  I don't know how many times I have felt that a very large baseball bat aimed at the computer may solve part of the issue.  Currently I am working with many specialists and my son is scheduled to enter a residential/educational treatment center for teen boys next week.  It is going to be very interesting to see how he copes with zero gaming for the school year.  I am sure he will go through with drawls for weeks.  I hope that he will gain his sense of self and see that the "real" world" is very exciting.  Like you yes I wish I had never bought the dang idiot box in the first place.  I do think that certain personalities are more vulnerable than others relative to addiction.  If it was not gaming one may wonder what else may it have been.  I feel your frustration I wish more people would understand it is not as easy to solve this issue as they think.  Unplugging the power cord is not the solution if they have lost their sense of self. 

I'm so glad I'm not the only one living this horrible nightmare, who'd of thought you could lose your  husband to a freakin computer game! A stupid stupid computer game!!

You would be reading about a murder if I did this to my husband!!!

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Neglected

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Judging from your responses, you seem to be a very condescending and angry person.  This is not conducive to helping the situation.

That being said, if you read the posts here defending gaming in general, I'm sure you will find that nobody is defending the excessive behavior.  It is a big problem, and it is a tough nut to crack.  It can take years to make progress against the problem.  The real issue here is that there is no single magic bullet that cures all ills for all excessive gamers.  The problem is unique to each excessive gamer. 

It's not really even a sign of immaturity, per se, so attacking it like it is purely immaturity or a refusal to grow up is absolutely the wrong approach.  Attacking is only going to give the excessive gamer yet another reason to retreat into the game world.

I have a few points for you all to consider based on my personal experience with this issue.

1. Know thy enemy.
This is absolutely crucial.  Talk to the excessive gamer about the game they play.  Find out what it is about the game that interests him/her so much.  You may, and probably will, meet with some resistance at first because the excessive gamer may be embarrassed about playing the game.  Be persistent.  Research the game a little.  Learn how it works.  The more you know about what you are trying to beat, the better you will be able to beat it.

2. Never go on the attack.
Like I said earlier, attacking the excessive gamer is the absolute worst thing you can do.  You can't embarrass an excessive gamer out of playing the game, but you can definitely embarrass him/her into playing it even more.  It adds one more layer you have to dig through to get at the root of the problem and may even make it impossible for you to help.  You may have to go to outside sources to help you if you slip and go on the attack.

3. Positive reinforcement is the key.
Don't misunderstand me here.  I don't mean positive reinforcement for playing the game.  I mean positive reinforcement for doing things outside of the game.  This is where it gets difficult because each excessive gamer gets something different out of the game that is positive for him/her.  That's why you must talk to him/her about the game and find out what interests him/her so much. 

For example, some people play certain games like WoW because the quest system is purely positive reinforcement.  There are no negative outcomes for failing to complete a quest.  You get to try again and again until you succeed.  This is where your prior research comes in handy.  Learn how the quest system works and try to emulate it.  You may even have to use terminology from the game.  Give him/her a "quest" and tell him/her what he/she will get when it is completed and follow through with the reward.  This will be a slow process involving some trial and error because the reward must be something that interests him/her, but does not involve the game. 

For others, it may be the ability to socialize without any real consequences.  Anonymity can do wonders for a gamer's ego and confidence level.  This is definitely a tough nut to crack.  You should consult a psychologist (not a psychiatrist) to determine how to proceed on this one.  I'm especially familiar with this reason for excessive gaming, because it was my reason.  I had a deeprooted fear of socializing with other people, especially people my age, because of some things that happened when I was a kid.  It wasn't until I was able to come to terms with it that I was able to kick my excessive gaming problem.  This is a long, hard road to walk and will take years to overcome. Patience and persistence are vital to success.

4. Remember that excessive gaming is not the disease, it is a symptom.
Related to point number 3, excessive gaming is not the ultimate problem.  It is a sign of a deeper problem, whether it's a lack of positive reinforcement in real life, feelings of powerlessness in real life, social insecurities, various phobias, or whatever the case may be.  For me, it was a combination of social anxiety and a deeprooted distrust of new people because of some things that happened when I was a kid.  It's easy to blame the game because it's an obvious indicator and takes no effort.  Like any other excessive compulsion, there is a reason behind it.  If you find the reason and deal with it, the excessive gaming problem goes away.  Just like any other excessive compulsion, there's a good chance the excessive gamer will "fall off the wagon".  It's important to stick with him/her and help him/her get back on the wagon again.  Patience and persistence are the keys.

5. Have a support network ready.
Not just for the excessive gamer, but for you as well.  Trying to help an excessive gamer kick the habit is a massive undertaking and will put a strain on you.  Have an outlet other than the excessive gamer that can help you vent or take your mind off of it for a while.  Have someone you can ask for advice.  Have someone you can go out and have some fun with so you can get rid of some of the stress.

6. Be prepared to accept some hard facts.
It's going to sound harsh, and may not necessarily be true in all cases, but the excessive gamer may not be the only one that needs to change some behaviors.  Sometimes the excessive gamer retreats into the game world because of family issues.  Consulting a psychologist specializing in family counseling is probably your best bet here.

This is a tough nut to crack, and I wish all of you who are dealing with this issue the best of luck in getting to the root of the problem and getting it resolved.

Signed,

A recovered excessive gamer turned casual gamer.