Topic : 06/03 Virtual Chaos

As a mom to en extremely intelligent, charismatic 19 year old, Junior in college, I was thrown by what I found in todays mail. A letter of possible suspension from college. My 4.0 graduating student form high school received a .95 this past semester and has been lying to me for the last year. He has always been a gamer and has hidden grades at points in his life, but always , or to my belief, turned them around. I heave always thought he spent too much time gaming and putting his internet relationships and games ahead of his responsibilities, but he has always told me I am wrong. Not being able to find a compromise with him over the years, time flew and he turned 18. Legally an adult now.

I found out today, his 4 classes he got no better than a C- on 2 and failed the other 2 classes. He lied about attending classes, either going to his friends dorm room to play or just blowing class off all together, telling me the class was canceled. To make things worse, he lied about even attending classes last semester. He told me he took 4 and in reality only took 2.

He is a straight laced guy, no drinking, drugs, girlfriends or even minimal friends now. He works , if we are lucky 1-2 shifts a week as a waiter at an upscale restaurant.

He has always denied gaming to be an issue, but as he plays for 12-15hrs daily 7 days a week, and emphatically disagrees that this is ruining his future, I don't know what to do. He took that 10 question quiz and only answered yes to #4. Meanwhile to all that love him yes will be answered to all 10. Please HELP.

Hi Dr. Phil,

I am currently watching your Virtual Chaos show here in Australia, and I have to say I think you're being too harsh on gamers.

I'm 19 years old, doing an electrical apprenticeship, live in a house with my best friend, enjoy hanging out with my friends and I also play World of Warcraft. I play this game a few hours a week (maybe 10 hours as an estimated guess) and having played for a couple of years now I understand that its important to take all things in moderation, this includes gaming, work, spending and pretty much anything that we do. However, gamers seem to be the only one that cop it from people, even more so than people with more serious addictions such as alcohol and drugs.

I play World of Warcraft (WoW), but I also am learning a trade, paying rent, paying the bills, hanging out with my friends on a weekend and go to the gym. On the show you seemed to hold most games in contempt, and when you asked about what you do on WoW, you didn't look into the game yourself, and have seemingly judged it on what other people (usually those who have 'quit' the game) have said. You've also just analysed the more serious cases.

WoW is a good way to unwind at the end of a tough day, and on Thursday nights I quite enjoy getting on my level 80 warrior (the new end level cap) and raiding with not only my real life friends but my friends on the game. We chat not only about the game on a chat system called Ventrillo, but we talk about lots of other things like politics, events in our lives and what we do other than play WoW. I raid only once a week, and this takes up a good 4 hours. I also enjoy grouping with new people to do things such as heroics and just chatting with people while chilling in major cities on the game.

I'll agree, sometimes I put the game before some things, like my homework, but I always get my work done at the end of the day. I also agree that this game can be seriously addictive, for instance some people I know on the game (not personally) all they do is play WoW, and some raiding guilds raid 4 times a week. I choose once I started my apprenticeship that I wanted to join a guild that only raided once a week (the guild I am in is a 10 man raiding guild, there is also another type of guild that raids both 10 and 25 man raids, 25 man raids are considerably harder and take up considerably more time), and I only play maybe 1-2 hours when I come home. The rest of the time I spend talking on the phone to my boyfriend, going to the gym, watching some TV, and chilling in general.

I also play other games, but WoW is my main game. The point I'm trying to make is, I play the game, but I still manage to live up to my responsibilities. WoW is fantastic when taken in moderation. So not all games, or gaming, is bad, just when people get carried away it can be detrimental.

I am a single mum of an 18 month old and have another baby due in june. My ex-fiance was addicted to WoW (the latest but longest game of many) and would spend anywhere between 7-23 hours per day (depending on what day of the week) playing this game. This game broke our relationship down so much that I was diagnosed with depression and had suicidal feelings because I was constantly told by him that his addiction was my fault. I finally had the guts to leave him when I found out I was pregnant again and was not going to put this baby through what our current son had been through (verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect just to name a few)

 

This game ruined my relationship with my ex and the relationship between my child and his father. He also lost his job and expected me to work full-time as well as clean, cook and look after our young child. My ex does not see this game as an addiction, but an escape from me asking for his help. I only hope that other families out there can overcome this gaming addiction and work together to get this particuar game off the shelves for good. While this game is being sold, it will continue to ruin lives.

My partner has been addicted to Battlefield 2 a war game for almost 2 years now, he has a job but it is his home life that suffers, me and his 12yo son, whom i am worried he is being a bad role model for, while my partner has a very physical job, his son is over weight and thinks it is ok to play as much as Dad does.
What i hate most about the game is that he can't put it on pause to do anything he plays a 3 round game which takes about an hour a round, then cant help but start another, neglecting his family responsibilities. If I ever say anything about the time spent on the computer he just plays longer to punish me. So many times he has said to his son and I when he finishes this round we will- go into town, go fishing, take the dog for a walk, etc and it just does not happen. Although he knows he is addicted and is just starting to compromise occasional with us.
It is better he is playing the game than chatting on line as he used to do, he spends almost as much time on the computer, i think i rather the game than the chat rooms. But would rather he was talking to his son and I instead.

This episode has only just been televised in Australia. I have 2 boys 11 & 8, and 1 more on the way (very soon in fact). We have PS 2 & 3, Nintendo DS and computer games at home. I have complete control over these as my children don't actually  "own" any of them - basically they are mine! And I keep reminding them of this fact when necessary. I also have to sign for their bank accounts, so I have to approve of any large purchases they may want to make - and believe me, my eldest has whinged many times about how he wants to use "his money" to buy his own game console!

I always had a rule that there was no gaming allowed on a school night and only for maximum 1 hour at a time on weekends. sometimes we would get a bit slack and they'd get away with more.

My eldest had a lot of problems at school last year with kids bullying him, having a teacher he didn't get on with and he thought she hated him, so he started to get very stressed out and was sliding very quickly toward depression. He stopped doing other out of school activities that he used to enjoy. He would state all the time that the only thing that makes him happy is playing playstation. Toward the end of the school year, I became very concerned about his mental health and sought help for him.

I also made a concious decision to become "tougher" about my gaming rules, as I could see that playing these games was starting to encourage angry & obsessive behaviour in him, and he would tantrum if he couldn't play or had to turn the game off. Luckily as I had rules the previous year, as the summer holidays were drawing to a close, I reminded my kids of my gaming rules once school resumed, and they just had to accept it.

I also spoke to my son about how gaming can become addictive to some people and that I thought it was affecting his behaviour and happiness, as well as his lack of enthusiasm in other activities. He is a very intelligent individual and I have always tried to have open communications with my children.

The game curfew is in place, but some small changes have been made - and I have remained strong and stuck to them no matter what!

No games on a school night. Only half an hour at a time on weekends - only up to 2 times at the most - as long as they've been behaving all week and their rooms etc are tidy and have been keeping up with their chores. They are also rewared during the week - only rarely and only in the afternoon not after 5pm - for the same. And they must get off the game as soon as I say. Failure to do so, or arguing with me only gets them banned for at least a week at a time.

My eldest son has now gone back to his first love - bmx - and is now going to professional coaching twice a week and racing at interclub competitions again like he used to. He has even nominated for the National competitions with enthusiasm. And now again enjoys out of school activities and his friends. He still gets bullied at school from time to time, but is learning to cope better with it and has a wonderful teacher this year who supports him in these instances and also challenges his intelligent mind which has led him to enjoy school once again.

When I watched this show, I was so happy that I noticed the signs early on and made a conscience decision to do something drastic about it. It can be hard - especially when you are tired or really busy - it is so easy to give in to the "easy babysitter", but you must try and be CONSISTENT with your rules. Eventually they will respect you for it, they may not agree with you or think to themselves "not fair". But remember when your parents said no to things and you thought "not fair!". Remember you are the boss at home and your kids rely on you for guidance and structure, and giving in to them isn't necessarily showing that you love them, same as not letting have or do things is not showing them that you don't either! Get your life and rules into perspective.

Also get active with them in other interests, or at least involved and supportive in some way in interests or activities, as that makes a huge difference to everyone!

Hope I haven't gone on too much, and if my experience can help anyone in some way, I'm really glad.

I am glad your son found positives in the game. My son was born with a rare muscle condition that made him thin and created scoliosis which eventually took his life last May. He was one of the top players and very popular in runescape which unlike his recent real life where many would bully and/or ignore him due to him not being agile and being extremely thin. Interesting to note that the Australian Army suggested that many positions in the future will require skills that these games need. I feel that it won't just be military but also in mining for example where robots manipulated on a above ground screen replace human miners in what is a very dangerous job. I felt Dr. Phil did not give enough positives to online games so I will list some. 1. They increase hand, eye co-ordination. 2. They will lead to jobs of the future. 3. They expose the young to the world and different ways of looking at things. 4. They are a boom to the disabled and immobile. 5. They lead to skills of imagination.

I wonder if people were worried about Bill Gates's "obsession" with computers, I believe (as often the case with Dr. Phil) that only a feminine perspective was given to the issue and while the cases show a justification this can lead to adults seeing only evil in the incredible world of the internet and online games. Like comics, rock and roll, the transitor radio or any multitude of new technologies that hit the world at any time often the older population fear it, when they should embrace it.

hi Dr Phil

my name is rachel and i live in New Zealand . i watched your show on Virtual Chaos . the things you talk about sounds like my boyfriend . he is always on games . we got that internet abot three months ago . and as soon as we got it he is always playing games the most recent is wow . he plays every day after work till 2am and then plays all weeknd . he only leaves his room to eat . he also smokes pot before playing the games .

 

could you please send me advice on what i can do to help him as he is not one for talking about whats going on

 

thank you

rachel

I feel I am busy developing an addiction to online gaming and after watching this show, I began to think about why this addiction has developed.  I believe it is because it gives people like myself a chance to behave in a completely different manner to what would be normal for us.  I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom who values my role as a mother.  My life is lived according to strict moral standards and I give up alot for my children.  I am unable to do much for myself at present because I have my children with me at all times and so I use the internet to fill the void.  When I am not busy with my kids, I am online.  I am also a shy person who struggles with social relationships, not because I am lacking socially but because I struggle to get to the point where people "get" me.  As a result it takes forever for any relationship to get to a point where it is meaningful.  I find that online it is much easier.  I can be whatever I feel like being and the people I interact with seem to accept me as is because of the anonymity of the situation.  I can break from my moral norms if I want to because it is inconsequential and I don't have to worry about what I look like because no one can see me.  For the most part, the people I interact with think I am male rather than female (my game of choice is a war game) and I don't correct them if I feel it benefits me.  I like the fact that I can just behave any way I please in the game and I don't have to worry about social consequences or what people think of me.  My husband doesn't approve of my gaming, but I feel that if I give it up, which I can do at this stage, I will have nothing in my life that is mine only.  Everything I do is for my children and husband and because we live on one income, I cannot afford to do the things I want to do so I play games.  At this point for me, the addiction hasn't begun to affect my kids or family as I ensure that I spend time with all of them and do all the necessary tasks, but I do find myself feeling irritable when I can't get to the computer for a long period of time.  I think it is only a problem when it begins to affect others, however, I would gladly replace my online time with good quality social interaction and a healthy self esteem if that were a possibility.

my husband is addiction to online gaming wow game it comes frist before anything else,if he does get his fix he acts like a3yr oldwho dosent get theyre  way, he sayswell i dont go2 bars this is the only thing i do.when it comes to getting this done around the house oranything else thats afight,the house could come down around him he wouldnt care as all has he has his game. there is no spending w/kids anymore thats not important anymore, i guess,we as acoulpe no time together ,take guess , the game,the computer is his family ,wife also ,things are just easyer that way ,we have had alots of fights over this he doesnt care,but he does work .who ever came up w/this games should be shot,some men just never grow up or just dont care.                                 

My son has played these games before. He is very knowledgeable on this matter. He says that certain games are actually made to be addicting. Especially the pay per play games. He also said that there are some that tell you to stop after a certain amount of time playing it.( For ex. Guilt Wars.) He is good at them but doesn't play much. He would rather be on a skateboard.