Topic : 06/02 Forced to Be a Father

I find myself in the middle.  I value choice and I value equal rights.  All people have choice until a pregnancy occurs, but only the woman has much in the way of choice after the pregnancy occurs.  But then there is the issue of an innocent child who never chose to be here.  I think that many women do in fact manipulate men into pregnancy for any number of reasons.  I dont think that is all women.  With that said, a mans life after the unintended pregnancy occurs is completely reliant on the womans choice.  I may feel like the child has the right to a father but I also feel like there is a high level of inequality in parental choice.  As someone who feels that way, I find it hard to force a man to take responsibility.  I also think women might be more cautious about preventing pregnancy if they knew they couldnt force a man to take responsibility.
Many people do not understand proper use of birth control.  Many people think they understand condom use, and absolutely do not.  They dont know about climate control, expirations dates, and something less commonly addressed that you should change a condom immediately after ejaculation.  Men and women, you should know that even if a woman is taking the pill, any misstep could cause a failure in its effectiveness.  The most common failure is a single missed day.  Success drops from 99% to 80%.  Also medications can change the effectiveness.  If you take any antibiotics, you need to use an additional BC method.  Folks, educating yourselves and your children are the best prevention.  You may want everyone to practice abstinence as BC, but evidence shows it isnt happening.  Educate your children on all their options and talk to them about why they should make this choice over that one.  The one thing I've seen in my life is that the people who have the best outcomes were the ones who had the most information about the situation.

Dear Dr Phil any  male can be a father it takes a REAL MAN TO BE A "DAD"  I believe this whole heartedly.  If a man decides to be a sperm donor and provides a specimen with no sexual contact then I don't believe they should have to pay child support or be responsible for the child but if there is sexual contact both parties are responsible.  I can't believe there are people out there that do not want the children they created whether it be a one night stand or not.  Children are a gift from God and should not be taken for granted.  I am the single mom of a 16 yr old and yes I went to court and got child support approx $180 a month.  It started at $150 when my son was 11/2yrs old.  His father has never contacted him or been in his life and in my eyes it is his loss.  My son also lost out on knowing what it was like to have a dad but every Father's day and Mother's Day I get a card saying that I am the best mom/dad.  I know it is very hard for my son as I never had my father either but I do the best I can and will continue to do so.  I just feel sad for the children out there that feel they are not wanted because of selfiness.  The world would be a better place if people would just take responsibility for there actions  Sincerely Jo

NO I totally believe that the mother in all of these cases was irresponsible as well.  I completely believe that all the mom's were not thinking either.  That again is the problem - no one is thinking ahead to the consequences of the actions and until that registers with people we are going to continue to have this debate.

Dr Phil

 I was watching that show and with what Matt said about arent giving up a baby for addoption the same.... It is not the same!!!!! I have given a baby up for addoption... It sure wasnt because I didnt want that baby it had nothing to do with it.It was because I was not able to take care of her by myself and I took responcablity for my actions cause thats what aduts do!!!!!! If your going to consent in the sexual act you have to be prepard for things like that to happen... Just because the girl "says" shes on birthcontrol does not mean she is.If you dont no her well make sure that you use other procations for the sake of aids or stds but do not make it about "OH POOR ME " there are no victims here.His mom is inabling him not to take responcibility for his actions...Isnt that why we are parents to mold these young people to become adults... I guess i just dont understand how someone or people can be so selfish about not just their l;ove but their money....Mabey its cause i dont have a child of my own as such but at the pressent moment i live with a man who has full costody of his son and granted that little boy is not my blood but he treats me like his mom and i treat him like hes my son.... So  why woudnt Neols wife imbrace the fact that she had a step child that could love her like shes never been loved...Maybe Neol could think for himself ..Really Dr. Phil who wouldnt want to have more love in their life Uspecially when its the love of a little boy or girl because now thats love...And everyone needs that in their life. It makes life a little bit brighter.My selling is not very good but i think i got my point across thanks for listening.

 

 

Trish Poudrier

Many women will think I am stupid for saying this but - I am a 38 year old woman who believes the man does have the right to not pay support if he did not know of the child, if the woman waited years to tell about the child then she is willing to take full responsiblity.   I am married to a man who had a child (which he and the mother knew was not his).  He took care of the child and the woman was able to walk into court and tell them a lie - he paid support for four years.  When my husband and I got married we petitioned the court and he was released from payment.  After 3 years of married he cheated and has a child.  Although we have a very rocky marriage which is heading for divorce, I refuse to offer any assistance to the child, it is all on him.  When I get no money or assistance from him I let him know.  The couple that was on in regards to the girlfriend prior to marriage- this child is his problem if he wants tobe part of the child live, it sounds like he does not and should not have to be and the wife should not offer to assist him, her money is hers and her childrens.  If the husbands funds can not support that child he should get another job,  The husband needs to make sure his wife and children from the marriage are supported the same way they were before the  child was known.   I know the children do not ask for this but it happens and the woman who decides to keep the child without notifing the father is at that point taking full responsibiltiy. If the man knows of the child he should have the right as woman do to not be part of the life.  A woman can make the decision and the man should be able too.   The woman on the show fighting for these children is somewhat correct.  There are a lot of children who have only one parent but we also have a lot of children who are born just to either get back at a man and to get more money from the government or from a man, these children were not asked to be in the situation either but they get the short end because the only parent they have usually does not care about them after they are two.   

Well for 1 he said he slept with this woman before he married his wife. For 2 this woman could have kept HER pants on. If she was interested in caring for this child, she would have come to him sooner, not 2 years later when things started to get rough. She even went after Dr. Phil for money! Yes, they both made the choice to have sex, and no they did not choose to have a child, but why wait years before you tell someone they have a child in the world and expect them to drop everything and shovel out money? And his wife had nothing to do with what happened. As far as I'm concerned, she's innocent and has a valid reason for feeling the way she feels. I don't think this couple had a fair say today. They just got jumped on.

First and foremost, these children are put in the middle.  Whether it be because dad didn't want them or whatever the case may be, however, my husband and I are in the same boat.  So I am not to quick to form an opinion on the couple.  He was married before and had 3 kids by his first wife and we pay every single month and we pay well. But it seems to me that MEN, yes I said MEN, get the shaft either way you turn.  We don't see these children because the mother has brainwashed them to the point where they are afraid to speak to us when we see them out in public.  But do you think they will help my husband out when it comes to taking her back to court to fix this.  He wants to be a part of his children's lives, but we have to pay 3 grand just to take her to court when it shouldn't even be happening to begin with.  Slap some cuffs on her butt and send her jail for not going by her court order.  What this is all boiling down to is The Men Have NOOOOO Rights when it comes to their children.  The Judicial System and the Child Enforcement Laws need to clean house and do what is morally right and fair.

 

Another thing... The woman that was on there, Gloria Allred.... Jeeesh did she have something traumatic happen to her that involved a man because she was sooooo rude and ridiculous that I left the room when she would speak.  She obviously had never been in any of those guests shoes before or experienced like this personally.  She was AGAINST the man all the way... You have to look at both sides.

 

Here's the thing... the "choice" for a woman is made after she determines whether or not she wants to have a child conceived with a man.

The "choice" for a man is when he determines whether or not to sleep with a woman.

If he doesn't want to have children or knows he is not ready to become a father, he should NOT be having sex. If he does than his choice is made. Period.

 

I found the section with Noel and Nicol appalling. I waited and waited for someone to point out how disgustingly selfish and absurd they sounded.... clearly, I was disappointed. So, their perfect little circle was broken? They were in a marriage and had children by choice? Wonderful! Was Nicol under the impression she had married a virgin? Give me a break! Noel knew he had slept with this woman, he had a relationship with her. If the woman stated she couldn't get pregnant because she was on the pill, perhaps she really didn't think she could get pregnant. I know a woman who got pregnant on the pill, another time using condoms, and another time using the sponge! Fortunately she was married and the shock was handled between the two of them, nonetheless... to deny any association with a child because you didn't want it is disgusting.

 

At the end of all this, the show will be over and there will be a child who now has a visual record of their father talking about them like a car he chose not to buy. If a "perfect little circle" was broken by a child who had nothing to do with anything, that circle sounds like it was made of glass to begin with.

 

Also.... father's should be given the exact same rights as mothers as soon as they do the exact same job. Given that their bodies are not used to carry and deliver... I highly doubt that will ever happen. Okay, perhaps that is totally unfair. How about as soon as fathers are providing equal care and support in raising children? When fathers can no longer walk away. According to the US Census Report in 2003, there are 10 MILLION single mothers in the US! (http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/001780.html) 

This is compared to 2.3 million single fathers. Where is the "equality"? 

 

Normally, I find myself on the side of father's rights... but this particular show demonstrated to me so many of the reasons why men/fathers are held in low regard in these situations. Notice, Noel sat there in his smug denouncing way and the only thing truly affected by this was his wallet and his cold wife. Meanwhile, his ex-girlfriend is raising the child... she did not sound like a decent woman by any stretch ($5,000???) but that doesn't justify the treatment of the child.

 

If the conversation on today's show had anything really important to contribute it is that all of the things said SHOULD have been said before going to bed!

Agreed.... I think to many women utilize abortion as a form of birth control as it is but that is my opinion and a topic for another show.  I don't beleive that unless someones health is at risk or because of a rape situation abortion should be allowed either because once again we are allowing for irresponsible behavior that will just spiraling out of control.  Personally I also believe that until the abortion laws are changed that a man should have to sign the consent and be present with the woman as well -- but again that is my opinion after being with a friend who had one.

The biggest problem is that the money collected by the mother from the father goes to the mother to spend as she wants. I know many children doing without because the mom is spending child support on herself and not the kids. All child support should go in an account in the child's name. The mother should have to show receipts in order to get the money out. I bet the men paying support would feel better knowing that they are taking responsibility for the child's needs if they were sure the money was going to the child. That way even if the man did not want to be a father- he could still do his part by supporting the child.