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Topic : 01/20 Dating Double Standards

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Created on : Friday, October 17, 2008, 02:56:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/24/08) Ladies, what would you do if you had to return to the dating game in your 40s, 50s or even 60s? Dr. Phil’s guests point to a double standard between men and women. Men can date women young enough to be their daughters, while a middle-aged woman who dates younger men is sure to face criticism. Caroline is a 58-year-old grandmother who has been married three times and is still looking for her Prince Charming. She admits to traveling from Monaco to Amsterdam and throughout the States in search of love, often with younger men. Caroline says she even accepted a proposal from a man she met online -- a suitor she has never met in person! Her daughter, Anara, says the problem is not her mother’s age, but that her mom doesn’t act her age. Is Caroline just living life without limits, or is she her own worst enemy when it comes to meeting Mr. Right? Then, Dr. Phil talks to Patti Stanger, CEO of The Millionaire’s Club, an exclusive dating service that caters to wealthy men and women who are looking for love. Find out why Patti says Caroline is heading toward a life of loneliness, and learn her dating tips to increase your chances of finding a mate. And, Anna is only 30, but she says some men already think she’s too old to date! Her friend, Robyn, says Anna's independence turns some men off. Find out what happens when Dr. Phil cameras follow Anna for a night on the town. Plus, meet a divorced mom who says she’s been on the dating scene for 15 years and has yet to find a man her age who wants to commit.. Join the discussion.

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October 27, 2008, 11:06 am CDT

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: renophil

You did make an interesting points. And before I shoot them down with more efficiency then the best WWI flying aces could dream of accomplishing, let me briefly remind you DID NOT disagree with my statement that Society Does Not Value O.F.F. (Old Fat or Flat) Women.

You are correct about the ages Men and women reach their sexual peaks. However the rest of your posting may have been a utopian dream in the Victorian Era 19th century, but this is the 21 century. We are into the third generation of Feminism and the third generation of the Sexual Revolution. And each of these 1960's era laudable goals have driven the final wooden steak through the vampires heart that is marriage. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Two thirds of marriages end in divorce in Southern California. Hell, I live in a city that depended on divorce to see her through tough economic times. Marriage is dead, the rigor has worn off and the corpse is starting to decay. A Man cannot count on his wife being his wife from day to day. I know this, you know this and and the people reading this know it too.

Getting back to sexual peaks for a moment, at first I considered your totally accurate point to be totally irrelevant. Emotional clap trap intended to make you and your sisterhood feel better about themselves with the hope of getting their minds off of their aging bodies. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how right you are!

Yes women reach their peak at 35. But it is best to get those women at 18 and ride the sexual wave UP and enjoy the ride, rather then catching her at her peak and watching her sex and appearance fade away into oblivion. Yes women reach their peak at 35. Thus that is when to dump them, not to snag them!

In California society may not value Old heavy weight or flat women but in Wyoming where I live we respect people for who they are inside, their soul.  In Wyoming we don't go for the California attitude because we don't find that any state that would rather see a woman fake then accept her as a real human as a state we would even have respect for.  In Wyoming we still value those Victorian era 19th century, be the best person you can be by being honest, caring and don't treat someone the way you wouldn't want to be treated attitude.   We in Wyoming have morals.  We, in Wyoming know that being the Equality state and the first state to have a Woman governor and first state to allow women to vote, we have proved that you don't have to be used by men like you to be happy.  We have learned that a loving relationship between a husband and wife is much more important then nipples that point to the wall or a size 0 dress.  We, in Wyoming are real not fake in anyway.

 

Now back to your, hmm how we shall say.... lack of sex.  It is nice to know that in the 26 years I have been married my husband  and I have it however and whenever we want it.  We don't have to "hope" to get lucky, we don't have to hide it, excuse it or even prepare for it by extra plans.  We don't have to deal with the fake ideals.  We can be as imaginative or as plain as we want. 

 

So go ahead with your fake "know it all" attitude and desires, I couldn't change your mind had I a desire to do so.  I have been single and I have been married so I know the good and bad of both, although I never was one for fake relationships and wouldn't sleep with someone I wouldn't be willing to spend the rest of my life with, I have always had more morals then that. 

 

Oh and for the last bit, What is wrong with the 19th century, they are the ones who gave us women Vibrators...lol.

 
October 27, 2008, 5:03 pm CDT

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: grandmashari

My first thought when I was reading your message was "good, let them have him and keep him out of our lives" then I thought of my own 25 year old daughter and if she would ever date someone like you, we would have to have a talk about self esteem and being treated with respect, which YOU don't have for women.  Then I got to thinking about it and if the women you are seeing is seeing you as a link to money, then you deserve each other.  So keep seeing those money hungry young females, it will teach them a lesson in life about being used for money and show them that money can't buy happiness and most of all it will leave the REAL men open for the older women who don't need your games.

I have to give you a BIG AMEN on that one!!!!!!  Man, and I thought I did a good job putting him in his place!  Woo-hoo, you tell him!
 
October 27, 2008, 5:53 pm CDT

You put this so well!

Quote From: nologinname_

I am also married to a man with a 16 year differential, only I was 39 when I first met my husband and he was 23 ... one week from turning 24 and I quibble over the numbers and say I am 15-1/2 years older.

 

I was thinking like you when I saw this show because a good marriage isn't about either partner wanting or needing to be taken care of ... it is about loving and sharing life and passions; it is about taking care of each other.  When we first met, I tried fixing him up with several younger women I knew but they were all about partying and he was a serious sort of guy ... working full time and going to grad school.  One day a group of 20-somethings came giggle past us and he turned to me and asked, "Is that what you want for me?"  The answer was a resounding NO!  So I decided to enjoy the next six months, figuring it couldn't last and this past Labor Day we celebrated our 23rd anniversary ... of the day we met.  We've been married for more than 17 years and are incredibly happy.

 

After I retired he quit his job, we sold our home and we took a 400-day journey around the world.  On our own ... not some expensive guided tour thing.  We have lots of things in common and we enjoy life.  In response to a random comment from a new neighbor at a party, I made some joke about making sure that things we buy with lifetime warranties go under his name ... she said, "Oh, he can't be THAT much younger."  Cracked me up; she has no idea. 

 

We aren't stupid and we aren't oblivious to the future.  We've positioned ourselves financially and socially so that either of us will be able to continue to have a good life if and when something happens to the other.  Meanwhile, we face adversities as a team and are enjoying life to its fullest.  Those hung-up on age need to look deeper and decide what characteristics they want in a person ... not what he or she looks like or what numbers are on a birth certificate.  How shallow is that?!

 

 

  I've been impatiently waiting to get back to this topic, my server had crashed on me for about 4 days! It was making me crazy! You have a good head on your shoulders and have realized that age "IS" just a number. Having an age difference between two people who have so much in common, have a true passion for each other, and share the same values means nothing. But everything else is exactly what does make the marriage.

  I have watched so many marriages collapse who are close together in age. So what was the problem there? Age? No, they just settled for the wrong person. No matter what age a person is, no matter what the age difference is, it's what's between the two people that counts.

  Congratulations on your 17 years, and I'm sure many more! It's funny, the trip the two of you took is exactly what we want to do soon also, except instead of seeing the world, we want to travel this entire country, Alaska and Canada.

 
October 27, 2008, 6:00 pm CDT

Funny you should mention this.................

Quote From: leolee

In our late 40's it started... My husband was all over me in his sleep...

When he woke[ i made sure he would wake during his rush on my body,,,ZOOM back over to his side of bed when he realized he was in bed with me...

This ALLWAYS happened if we were in the company of a younger female earlier that day...

I cared for this disabled husband for many more years hoping to put him in nursing home...

When he refused to go into nursing home,and i could not mange things  [i was growing sicker and sicker

i put him into his own senoirs aptartment...i got my senoirs apartment nearby...

THe  senior  females bombarded him...They fought over him...

Little did they know  he was only interested in thier grandaughters....

 

Now I refuse to put down "older" men since I happen to be married to one but, my mom and I have noticed that many men when they hit a certain age such at 65, get really horny for the really, really young girls. They think they can score with a girl who is 20 and that all of the "young" ones want them. This must be a form of Dementia. I'm talking about men who are only capable of talking about this all of the time and can't get it off of their minds. It gives the term "dirty old man" a whole new meaning. We happen to personally know of 3 men exactly like this. We find it disgusting and know that it isn't true unless they are handing over cash to keep the young girls happy. If anyone else has noticed this I would be very interested in hearing about it.
 
October 27, 2008, 6:15 pm CDT

Sorry Anne, I found.......................

Quote From: anne124

  These women are coming off as "fake".  Honestly, a man wants a long term woman that is genuine in nature, caring, less of a "shopper", and needs to be needed by him.  The first woman has been married 3 times already...so it's obvious she's doing something wrong herself.  Will a 4th marriage work out for her?  Probably not.  She needs to be more introspective, less of a hunter, and have a more sincere personality.  Open yourself up to realness ladies...and love will find you. :)

  As for the 45 year old man who spoke, he IS carrying "candy"...it's in the form of "money" or more stability.  A 28 year old usually does not know herself yet, so a man can "mold" her to be what he wants.  Men for the most part are very insecure and love to CONTROL things (including the remote TV control)! ;)  Yes, it's true older women should not give off the sense they don't need love, or a man to be successful, yet men need to gain the knowledge that often older women have more to offer as far as "substance" in a partnership.  If you know yourself, you are ready to love others.  I don't agree with the "millionaire matchmaker" that she should be creating the "package " in women, for these men to view.  Relationships that are superficial and not authentic, are doomed to failure.  Marriage is NOT a business deal.  But I do agree the matchmaker has goal oriented strategies to snare love, and make yourself more approachable.  Often those not looking, are the ones to find love...perfect time and place have something to do with it.  Love is hard to find.  Be patient, be realistic, and DON'T run after the "fairytale".  Men will NEVER live up to the fairytale dream girls and women place on them!  Soap Opera's are a FANTASY ladies!!! :)

Good luck,  Anne from MI

  I found my Prince Charming and I am living the fairytale. I am 44 and my husband is 60. There is a 16 year age difference between us. We have also been very happily married for over 21 years and together before that for 2.

  When we met he had just come out of a 19 year marriage and had custody of his 3 teenage children. I will admit that it wasn't easy for that first year, teenagers can be difficult, but a man with with so called baggage is not a good reason to overlook him. Ladies, you just might toss your Prince and kiss frogs forever if you don't want a man with "baggage". I hate that word!

  And as to my man wanting to control me, no, he has never tried to change anything about me. We have spent the last 23 years teaching each other our different strengths. He's a very calm man and I will say that after all of these years he has rubbed off on me to where I am a much calmer person also. The best way to put my marriage to this man is that I am a better person for having known him.

  I can never thank him enough for that! And BTW, I have control of the remote control! I kissed a lot of frogs before I met this wonderful man and I'm so incredibly happy that I was able to see him for who he is rather than what so called baggage he came with. What makes it even kind of funny is the fact that we were set up on a blind date, a first for both of us, and look what happened. He was also not even my type! But by keeping an open mind I have found the fairytale and expect to live happily ever after.

  As to the rest of your post, I happen to agree!

 
October 27, 2008, 6:30 pm CDT

I wanted to post this sooner!

  Unfortunately my server was down for awhile and I wasn't able to get back here. I want to tell all of you women who have given up or think there is no hope, don't give up! And for women who judge a man by his age, you are making a mistake.

  First of all, I've been extremely happily married to an older man for over 21 years. I'm now 44 and he is 60. When we were first married he had custody of his 3 teenage children. I didn't let that stop me! I knew he was the right man for me within 2 weeks of meeting him. To this day, 23 years altogether, we have never had one real fight. But we do have incredible passion for each other that has only gotten stronger and better over the years. We have almost everything in common and are true soul mates.

  I also have a sister that had been in long term relationships throughout her life but was never married. Then a couple of years ago at the age of 49, she met the man of her dreams. They were married right away and I have never seen her so happy. They are about the same age. So yes, you can still meet the right man later in life!

  My step daughter refused to settle for any man just because she was over 30. She wanted to wait until she found the "right" man who shared her values, her work ethic, and her zest for life. At the age of 31 she finally did and was married at 32. Her husband happens to be 5 years younger than she is.

  My whole point here is that it doesn't matter what age you are, it doesn't matter what age he is, and it doesn't matter how late in life it is. It can still happen for you and you can find the right man. Don't overlook a man because he might come with "baggage", a word which I hate. He may be the man of your dreams. Don't worry how much older or younger he may be than you are. Just make sure that you both have the same values, wants and dreams in life.

  Having been married for 21 years to an older man for 21 years I feel that I know a little about this. Plus, with what I've seen happen in my loved ones lives.

  Never give up! Everyone deserves to be happy!

 
October 27, 2008, 7:59 pm CDT

Opportunity of a lifetime

Quote From: jewelsf

  I've been impatiently waiting to get back to this topic, my server had crashed on me for about 4 days! It was making me crazy! You have a good head on your shoulders and have realized that age "IS" just a number. Having an age difference between two people who have so much in common, have a true passion for each other, and share the same values means nothing. But everything else is exactly what does make the marriage.

  I have watched so many marriages collapse who are close together in age. So what was the problem there? Age? No, they just settled for the wrong person. No matter what age a person is, no matter what the age difference is, it's what's between the two people that counts.

  Congratulations on your 17 years, and I'm sure many more! It's funny, the trip the two of you took is exactly what we want to do soon also, except instead of seeing the world, we want to travel this entire country, Alaska and Canada.

Oh my gosh!  I hope the two of you do get the opportunity to see Alaska.  I went on a cruise May '08, it went to Juneau, Skagway, Ketchikan and IT WAS BREATH-TAKING!  It also went to Victoria, Canada but for whatever reason we didn't get off the ship.  Alaska is a MUST SEE though.
 
October 27, 2008, 10:40 pm CDT

There's more to life than "Getting Married"!!!

     For me, someone that wants a younger woman can have her!!  I believe you need to be happy within yourself, know who you are and what you want!  Love, should we be blessed in finding it, is something I believe comes through time!  Oh yea...there can be sparks, and love at first sight, however I believe that it just takes time to get to know someone.  I know me, my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes...What is important in a relationship for me, what are my "must haves", wishes and desires on a scale of 1-10...To find someone that is a person you are thinking of living the rest of your life with, you must take the time to not only learn everything you can about that other person, but be willing to accept it as such.  But, I think that knowing & loving who you are is the most important. 
 
October 28, 2008, 1:20 am CDT

Alaskan Cruise!

Quote From: shelly_80

Oh my gosh!  I hope the two of you do get the opportunity to see Alaska.  I went on a cruise May '08, it went to Juneau, Skagway, Ketchikan and IT WAS BREATH-TAKING!  It also went to Victoria, Canada but for whatever reason we didn't get off the ship.  Alaska is a MUST SEE though.

Dear Shelly,

  That is the exact next big vacation the two of us are hoping to do. An Alaskan Cruise! We've done the warmer Mexico cruise but we really want to see the more natural and majestic sights that Alaska has to offer. A friend of mine took a helicopter ride to a glacier and they sat down on it, I want to do that also. The big problem there lies with my husband who has a real fear of helicopters. When he was young he watched one fall from the sky and crash! Personally, I've always wanted to go up in one, we'll see. I can always do that alone if I have too! Thanks for telling me how wonderful it is!

Jewels

 
October 28, 2008, 1:29 am CDT

You have to "Love" yourself...............

Quote From: califgal

     For me, someone that wants a younger woman can have her!!  I believe you need to be happy within yourself, know who you are and what you want!  Love, should we be blessed in finding it, is something I believe comes through time!  Oh yea...there can be sparks, and love at first sight, however I believe that it just takes time to get to know someone.  I know me, my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes...What is important in a relationship for me, what are my "must haves", wishes and desires on a scale of 1-10...To find someone that is a person you are thinking of living the rest of your life with, you must take the time to not only learn everything you can about that other person, but be willing to accept it as such.  But, I think that knowing & loving who you are is the most important. 

  I agree 100% that everyone has to love themselves before they are ready to get married to another. I also believe that everyone should learn to live alone and enjoy it before they get married. Or at least, be able to enjoy life if you do live alone and never marry! And yes, real love, the true kind that can endure anything that life throws at you is the kind that grows over time. In the beginning it's lust and infatuation. But that doesn't stop one from knowing when they have found the right person. I knew I was going to marry my husband after only 2 weeks but we waited 2 years before we tied the knot.

  And BTW, I assume that you noticed that my husband and I have a large age difference between us, but that has nothing to do with why he wanted to marry me. Age wasn't a consideration to either of us. Except for the very beginning for him, he actually went to my mothers house without my knowledge and asked for her permission to date me. He's a true gentleman! The funny part of that is, it was my mom and her SO who had set us up on the blind date to begin with!

 
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