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Topic : 01/20 Dating Double Standards

Number of Replies: 227
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Created on : Friday, October 17, 2008, 02:56:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/24/08) Ladies, what would you do if you had to return to the dating game in your 40s, 50s or even 60s? Dr. Phil’s guests point to a double standard between men and women. Men can date women young enough to be their daughters, while a middle-aged woman who dates younger men is sure to face criticism. Caroline is a 58-year-old grandmother who has been married three times and is still looking for her Prince Charming. She admits to traveling from Monaco to Amsterdam and throughout the States in search of love, often with younger men. Caroline says she even accepted a proposal from a man she met online -- a suitor she has never met in person! Her daughter, Anara, says the problem is not her mother’s age, but that her mom doesn’t act her age. Is Caroline just living life without limits, or is she her own worst enemy when it comes to meeting Mr. Right? Then, Dr. Phil talks to Patti Stanger, CEO of The Millionaire’s Club, an exclusive dating service that caters to wealthy men and women who are looking for love. Find out why Patti says Caroline is heading toward a life of loneliness, and learn her dating tips to increase your chances of finding a mate. And, Anna is only 30, but she says some men already think she’s too old to date! Her friend, Robyn, says Anna's independence turns some men off. Find out what happens when Dr. Phil cameras follow Anna for a night on the town. Plus, meet a divorced mom who says she’s been on the dating scene for 15 years and has yet to find a man her age who wants to commit.. Join the discussion.

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October 30, 2008, 5:22 am CDT

This isn't true............................

Quote From: manofgoods

I wonder, how he managed to get so many girls around my age only to be taken the bait & being taken advantage of is beyond me, yet I can't seem to find any good girls around my age who will love me & respect me. Is it because of money? The love of money is the root to all evil. I also can't understand how many women seem to like bad men, over good guys who will treat them right. i don't have a problem with older men dating young girls, & vice versa, as long as they treat them right. I guess nice guys finish last & that I'll have to wind up being "bad" in order to have one.

  The women that you speak of who are seeking the "bad" boys or money are clueless, immature women or girls that you wouldn't want to begin with. Why would you want someone that superficial? You don't! I happened to marry the nicest man that has ever graced this earth. That is the exact quality that attracted me to him in the first place.

  My husband is 16 years older than I am and I broke up with a man that was worth millions to be with him. Not that my husband is any slouch when it comes to money, but he has never had millions. We have been happily married now for over 21 years. Back in my dating days, I never chose a man for his looks or his money. It was his personality and confidence that would draw me. And if a man had a chip on his shoulder I could see that a mile away.

  Luckily I found the whole package, minus the millions. But I would rather live in a shack than to live with a man that doesn't treat me right. I find it funny that I talk to so many women who can't find a man to date, and yet I come on to this message board and read men talk about how they can't find a woman. What gives?

  Maybe both sides need to open their eyes and take a look around. Maybe your next date is right in front of you but because of some list you have in your head you tend to overlook the "right" one. I'm stating this to both men and women. It's character that counts, not looks, age, money, etc.

 
November 2, 2008, 7:27 pm CST

10/24 Dating Double Standards

I am 52 yrs old, never been married, and have no children. The last "man" I dated was 11 years younger and still just a "boy" I new better but, I let the "oh don't punish me for the sins of those that came before..." get me. That was 12 years ago. I don't even know how to date any more. I have a good job, own my own home (well me and the bank), the no children is by choice I just  never wanted to be a single parent, too difficult.

Where are all the good ones? I don't go to bars. People say have your friends introduce you to some one but every one we know is married! I won't settle for less than I desreve. Some one who is kind, faithful, respectful, considerate, loving, emotionally available just to name a few criteria.Some say I need to lower my standards I say NEVER!

 
November 3, 2008, 3:38 am CST

It can still happen!

Quote From: riorxx

I am 52 yrs old, never been married, and have no children. The last "man" I dated was 11 years younger and still just a "boy" I new better but, I let the "oh don't punish me for the sins of those that came before..." get me. That was 12 years ago. I don't even know how to date any more. I have a good job, own my own home (well me and the bank), the no children is by choice I just  never wanted to be a single parent, too difficult.

Where are all the good ones? I don't go to bars. People say have your friends introduce you to some one but every one we know is married! I won't settle for less than I desreve. Some one who is kind, faithful, respectful, considerate, loving, emotionally available just to name a few criteria.Some say I need to lower my standards I say NEVER!

My sister married for the first time at the age of 49. She happened to marry a man who is in the same field that she is in at work. That seems to be where she has met most of the men she has dated. We (and she) figured that she would never marry, she was never big on the idea in the first place. But she actually met a wonderful man that has only enriched her life rather than her having to settle.
 
November 3, 2008, 8:46 am CST

Caroline 58 year old dating grandmother

 

I was stunned when I watched Dr. Phil interviewing this woman.  It was so weird to see her.  She seems to adopt the habits of teenaged girls.  For example: She kept pulling on her sleeves to cover her hands just as the teenagers do.  I feel so sad for her daughter who has had to deal with this woman all her life.

 

This lady really needs psychiatric help.  There is clearly something wrong with her personality.  She was really pathetic to watch.  When she used the single phrase "HELLO", I thought i was going to die when I saw Dr. Phil's face.  She was so immature. 

It is so sad that some women have difficulty aging.  It is clear that this woman is very child-like and very self-centered.  If she were my grandmother, I would be so embarrassed by her.  She also came across of very low intelligence. 

 
November 3, 2008, 9:03 pm CST

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: douglashobbs

 

I was stunned when I watched Dr. Phil interviewing this woman.  It was so weird to see her.  She seems to adopt the habits of teenaged girls.  For example: She kept pulling on her sleeves to cover her hands just as the teenagers do.  I feel so sad for her daughter who has had to deal with this woman all her life.

 

This lady really needs psychiatric help.  There is clearly something wrong with her personality.  She was really pathetic to watch.  When she used the single phrase "HELLO", I thought i was going to die when I saw Dr. Phil's face.  She was so immature. 

It is so sad that some women have difficulty aging.  It is clear that this woman is very child-like and very self-centered.  If she were my grandmother, I would be so embarrassed by her.  She also came across of very low intelligence. 

I think she was covering her hands because they reveal age. The neck and the hands are the best indicators of age. She looked good, but every single day of her age. My husband and I both said 62 at the same time, we were pretty close. I hope she got some help.
 
November 4, 2008, 3:37 pm CST

10/24 Dating Double Standards

The best way to find a nice girl is to 1) love yourself...this might require being willing to be alone for a few months, away from the Desperate Single insanity that permeates our culture and attend some reputable workshops directed at thinking singles (not bar or techno crowd) to get a better handle on where you come from, who you are and what you do and do not want in a mate. Once you get your mind around that, Live It! and Live.....in other words, if you discover you are a sensitive artistic person, put yourself in healthy positive environments where you can connect with prospects for friends, not girlfriends. Go slow. Believe and trust that you are a good man and work on yourself, and you will attract a good woman. God bless you with your heart's desire. 
 
November 4, 2008, 4:59 pm CST

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: rclower

Reading this segment promo, makes me worry about my relationship. I am 47 he is 67. I have never been married, he has been married twice before. We've gone out once and I am feeling anxious about this. I feel like I am dating out of my league but I don't exactly have men my age beatting down the door for me. On our 'date' he tells me he thougth I was in my 30's. So I am wondering if he asked me out because he thought it would look good on his belt to have a much younger woman or if he really likes me for me. I am not sure what I feel for him. This is the first date I have had in years and I am clueless. My sister asked me how was my date with grandpa, so, i am not sure this is a great idea. - ramona
Your "gut suspicions" are telling you everything you need to know. This guy is probably too old for you. I dated and married a guy 16 years older than myself when I was 30. He had been married twice before. Big mistake. Egotistical, selfish and immature. I am a sensitive soul, and he was the most callous person I'd ever dated. Bad combo. The crack the guy made about his thinking you were 30 was made to keep you emotionally and mentally "offi balance" and unsure of yourself. He has a hangup about being 20 years older than you are, so he tries to convince you that you have a lot of "life mileage"  so you'll respond by being a grateful doormat. He'll treat you like a child and then wonder out loud why don't you grow up. You don't need this crazy-making. I'm assuming you are self-supporting and not with him for financial reasons. Try to find someone a little closer to you in age, 10 years difference is a little iffy, but better than 20. You can do it. Remember, "If You Think You Can't...You're Right....If  You Think You Can...You Are Also Right. I had to learn to be happy by myself for a while so I could figure out why I attracted predators and then stop the behavior. This may be true for you. Blessings.
 
November 5, 2008, 1:34 am CST

Do you personally know this man?

Quote From: philfan61

Your "gut suspicions" are telling you everything you need to know. This guy is probably too old for you. I dated and married a guy 16 years older than myself when I was 30. He had been married twice before. Big mistake. Egotistical, selfish and immature. I am a sensitive soul, and he was the most callous person I'd ever dated. Bad combo. The crack the guy made about his thinking you were 30 was made to keep you emotionally and mentally "offi balance" and unsure of yourself. He has a hangup about being 20 years older than you are, so he tries to convince you that you have a lot of "life mileage"  so you'll respond by being a grateful doormat. He'll treat you like a child and then wonder out loud why don't you grow up. You don't need this crazy-making. I'm assuming you are self-supporting and not with him for financial reasons. Try to find someone a little closer to you in age, 10 years difference is a little iffy, but better than 20. You can do it. Remember, "If You Think You Can't...You're Right....If  You Think You Can...You Are Also Right. I had to learn to be happy by myself for a while so I could figure out why I attracted predators and then stop the behavior. This may be true for you. Blessings.

  What an odd post you have made here. You have completely annihilated this man by just one comment from him. He may want her for a notch on his belt, or he may have just been giving her a compliment. We don't know we weren't there.

  Just because you had a bad relationship or marriage to a man who was 16 years older doesn't mean that it won't work for someone else. I have been very happily married to my husband who happens to be 16 years older than me for 21 years now. We have everything in common and I wasn't "picked" by him for a trophy wife. We are just plain old compatible in every way. He is not immature nor does he ever treat me like a child.

  Maybe you have just picked the wrong men and age had nothing to do with it. I do agree though that if this woman is feeling uncomfortable with her date then maybe he's just not the right man for her. I would be much more concerned over the fact that a man has already been married twice. The lack of being able to hold onto a relationship may show that he has problems that has nothing to do with age.

 

 
November 5, 2008, 11:10 am CST

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: philfan61

The best way to find a nice girl is to 1) love yourself...this might require being willing to be alone for a few months, away from the Desperate Single insanity that permeates our culture and attend some reputable workshops directed at thinking singles (not bar or techno crowd) to get a better handle on where you come from, who you are and what you do and do not want in a mate. Once you get your mind around that, Live It! and Live.....in other words, if you discover you are a sensitive artistic person, put yourself in healthy positive environments where you can connect with prospects for friends, not girlfriends. Go slow. Believe and trust that you are a good man and work on yourself, and you will attract a good woman. God bless you with your heart's desire. 
Was this directed to me? If so, I appreciate it. I also agree with what Jewelsf & Efffy's advice that was given to me, & I thank them for that as well. I believe that it gives me good strength to hear those things. I'm 26 years old, & a African-American male, by the way. I also believe that there are good women out there who will really love me & apprciate me for who I am.
 
November 5, 2008, 5:33 pm CST

Then there is giving too much...

Quote From: abachelor

1) Yes, there's a double standard: It is now socially acceptable (hip, trendy, "empowering") for women of any age to date younger, and it is NOT socially acceptable for older men to date younger (I think "creepy" was the word). Heck, teachers can have sex with their students and get off with barely a slap on the wrist, but if a man has even a consensual affair with someone who's young enough to be called a mistress, it's a career-ending offense even if it's not technically illegal (and of course sex with a student or other underage girl gets you many years in the slammer).

2) There is no double standard just because men generally prefer younger women: The use of the term "double standard" implies an inequity which must me remedied, that a man and a woman the same age are somehow "equal", but that is wrong, and in a way which is designed to make women feel resentment towards men.

The flip side of the male preference for youth/beauty is women preferring high status "success object" men over homeless or poor men, which everyone immediately understands and would defend their right to do.  Everyone is entitled to have their preferences, though they aren't necessarily entitled to get them.

The dating/mating market is competitive, and what's in most demand is by definition valuable.  Older women are like fourteen year-old boys: they both have low mate value because they don't offer what the other sex wants. Younger women and older alpha males are alike in that they both have high mate value.  This is why cougars with younger men are not the flip side equivalent of desirable men with young hotties.  People of high mate value get other people of high mate value, and people of low mate value can only get what they can get, namely someone else of similarly low mate value. There's no double standard there. (And, BTW, mate value has nothing to do with ones intrinsic value as a human being.)

By focusing on age, women are trying to bypass the influence of age on mate value in a way which is both self-serving and involves a great deal of denial. If older women want dates they're gonna have to put away their Cinderella Complexes, which were maybe appropriate when they were young, and start realizing they have to start approaching men, asking them out, paying for them, offering to support them and their kids, etc. -- just like a man who hopes to get and keep a PYT (pretty young thing) would. That's why men work to make money, and since women are now working to make money too there's no reason they shouldn't similarly be using it to get what they want.  And even then there's no guarantee. Men will start being impressed by smart successful women when those women start spending their money on men, instead of flaunting it to declare their independent from men.

Women have to start realizing that the traditional dating rules are based on mate value and not gender, something which was not apparent when people married for life. Until they do this they'll continue to not understand why it's not working for them when they're older.
Dear beautiful guy, 

I am over 40(look 30), beautiful , intelligent,and have a history of spending fairly on my boyfriends(as you suggested we modern women do) and yet it just isn't the solution for me. I saw that it just made men feel as if I was there for them-to support them, and they backed off their part in the financial responsibility.

If I had let them they would have greedily just used me.
 So it is, in fact, a question of maintaining a consistently fair-financial expenditure for both a man and a woman in relationship, equally  fair attention to one-another, and no game playing, cheating or dishonesty. These are the real points of value between people. It's what make people happy-fulfilled, conscientious. 
 
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