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Topic : 01/20 Dating Double Standards

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Created on : Friday, October 17, 2008, 02:56:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/24/08) Ladies, what would you do if you had to return to the dating game in your 40s, 50s or even 60s? Dr. Phil’s guests point to a double standard between men and women. Men can date women young enough to be their daughters, while a middle-aged woman who dates younger men is sure to face criticism. Caroline is a 58-year-old grandmother who has been married three times and is still looking for her Prince Charming. She admits to traveling from Monaco to Amsterdam and throughout the States in search of love, often with younger men. Caroline says she even accepted a proposal from a man she met online -- a suitor she has never met in person! Her daughter, Anara, says the problem is not her mother’s age, but that her mom doesn’t act her age. Is Caroline just living life without limits, or is she her own worst enemy when it comes to meeting Mr. Right? Then, Dr. Phil talks to Patti Stanger, CEO of The Millionaire’s Club, an exclusive dating service that caters to wealthy men and women who are looking for love. Find out why Patti says Caroline is heading toward a life of loneliness, and learn her dating tips to increase your chances of finding a mate. And, Anna is only 30, but she says some men already think she’s too old to date! Her friend, Robyn, says Anna's independence turns some men off. Find out what happens when Dr. Phil cameras follow Anna for a night on the town. Plus, meet a divorced mom who says she’s been on the dating scene for 15 years and has yet to find a man her age who wants to commit.. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 23, 2008, 1:28 am CDT

Write about it

Quote From: halzmark11

Is there a dating double standard? Absolutely.  At age 61, this long-divorced and childless female has seen and heard about it all from men, other women and her own experience.  Examples follow:

 

  • the online dating service prospects who've lied about their ages, marital status and incarcerations, much less everything inbetween;
  • the married colleagues who've suggested that we work together in my/his room during business trips;
  • the men whose eyes dart around the room and then excuse themselves from my side after learning how old I am;
  • the younger men looking for a sugar mama, and the much older ones seeking "a nurse with a purse";
  • the friends' husbands who've quietly offered their sexual services to relieve my "frustration", or their own boredom with an affair on the side;
  • the clergyman who offered to hear my confession and offer his counsel alone in my home after his kids were in bed;
  • the fears and unfounded suspicions of women with spouses or SO's who don't invite single/divorced/widowed women to participate in neighborhood couples' social events; and
  • the eligible men who've disappeared after being informed that getting tested for STIs and using condoms will be necessary for sexual intimacy. You should hear some of the responses I've gotten as to why these precautions are unnecessary with older women.  I swear, the ignorance fairly oozes. 

 

I could go on, but you probably get the idea.  The older a decent single woman is, the harder iit is to find an equally decent single man.

 

I don't go to bars (or drink); hold to preconceived ideas about "suitable" age, occupations or physical appearance; or go out with female friends in a posse: all are notions that don't work.  I'm a decent and attractive lady who is comfortable with living on her own, but I still would like to find a good man who really wants to grow old with me.  I've just about given up on the idea, but I'm looking forward to Dr. Phil's show on older dating to see what else I can do.  Sure, I'm getting up there, but I'm not too old to learn something new. 


At last someone on the Dr Phil message board who is articulate,  precise and level headed. Your letter was a joy to read. Have you ever thought about writing a manual on dating for the older woman, I'm sure it would be a best-seller.
 
October 23, 2008, 10:39 am CDT

10/24 Dating Double Standards

I was watching the previews for tomorrow's show and couldn't believe what I heard coming out of Patti Stanger's mouth. Referring to potential husbands as 'buyers"? What dehumanizing crap! I thought women being thought of as property went out with the Victorian era. I don't like to see men treated as property, either. That's why the "you're a prime piece of real estate" lyric in one of Shania Twain's songs so disgusts me.
 
October 23, 2008, 12:00 pm CDT

10/24 Dating Double Standards

Quote From: ramair

I was watching the previews for tomorrow's show and couldn't believe what I heard coming out of Patti Stanger's mouth. Referring to potential husbands as 'buyers"? What dehumanizing crap! I thought women being thought of as property went out with the Victorian era. I don't like to see men treated as property, either. That's why the "you're a prime piece of real estate" lyric in one of Shania Twain's songs so disgusts me.

Ugh...I hate Shania Twain....

 

But I agree with you. If women don't want to be thought of as property, we should also not treat men as property either. I think when it comes to dating, no one should be refered to a property period!

 

There are a lot of double standards when it comes to dating, and I think that's where a lot of negative sentiment on the subject comes from.

 
October 23, 2008, 3:52 pm CDT

Does any of it matter, really?

What really matters?  She may never be happy with anyone cuz she isn't happy alone apparently.  After you become an adult your business is your business.  Age is a number if it is going to be a problem let it be her problem.  If you aren't satisfied you shouldn't have to settle for someone you don't want.  I don't want to date some old fart when i'm in my 40's because my friends and family think we LOOK appropriate togather.  I would be insulted.  Now if you have kids and your dating men your kids age, that's a little crazy.  Think about your kids, that's got to mess with their head.  Mayby you had kids when you were tooo young?  That's your bad.  Out of respect for the children you DID give BIRTH to - DATE people your kids can look up to - if you must be out on the prowl dating.  Not people that make your kids look down on you.  What would you say to YOUR daughter if she was in your position, and she was dating people your grandkids age, creepy huh?
 
October 24, 2008, 12:45 am CDT

WTH?

Currently deployed in Afghanistan and get to watch the show over here...any who - was just watching this one and could not believe the flake he had on to begin with...she was on the wrong show, her situation had really nothing to do with the title question of the format of this show. she really needed her own lots of problems with her....and on to the real question over dating older woman, I have never had any problem dating older woman...although now I am very happy and married to a wonderful woman (we are about the same age)...and to top it off (and to tie into the other guest they talked to that again had really nothing to do with the title of the show) My wife is very succesful, she has an incredible job and if you measure success by a dollar amont she makes probable 4-5 times what  I do...the answer to the shows questions is...there is none....some woman will date younger men some will not, some men will date older woman some will not...
 
October 24, 2008, 1:05 am CDT

Thanks

Quote From: suem311

Ramona

Be ware-take it slow. Having married at 23 to a 37 year old didn't seem like a problem at the time. Now, at 51 and he's 65 everything has changed. I'm not ready to stop and he is. I want to go out and he doesn't. Sex is over-has been for several years. Medical probably, but he won't go see a doctor. Many more issues than I bargained for.

Susan

Susan,

Thanks for the advice. I am taking it slow. As I have gotten older I have learned to take relationships slow. I am not looking for a marriage, but then I wasn't really looking for a relationship either. This just happened from a friend seeing two people single and what started out as a fun tease about him asking me out and him finally asking me out, to enjoying his company and enjoying laughing with him.

 
October 24, 2008, 1:32 am CDT

Thanks

Quote From: shelly_80

If you truly love him or think you might one day, then don't let someone else talk you out of it just because they make jokes or don't agree with the age gap.  Don't allow that seed of doubt to be placed in your mind. I made that mistake and I can't tell you how miserable I am because of it!  I fell deeply in love with a man twice my age (27 and 56) and when my family found out they made me break up with him.  I told him goodbye in April 2008 and everyday I regret letting my entire family have that control.  I still talk to him occasionally, but I'm so afraid of getting caught.  I live inferior of my family now.

 

I have cerebral palsy and suffered with seizures from 3 to 9 years old.  I was always delayed in anything I did.  I didn't crawl until I about 9 months, I didn't walk until 16 months, I got my license at 18, the legal age is 16.  My parents took me out of public school and home schooled from the 6th-12th grade because I got made fun of alot in the 5th grade.  So, I didn't socialize all that much once that happened.  Now, at 27 I don't have a career/job and I still live with my parents. I've like tons of guys but never had a boyfriend, until this man.  For whatever reason it would humiliate me if my family found out I liked someone.  I know it is because of my medical history and inexperience in the dating scene that my family is so protective.  But there comes a time when they have let you find out who YOU WANT TO BE as an individual, right?  I can't make them understand that.  Anyway, this whole experience has opened my wider than they ever been.  I've decided to put myself out there and start looking for a career so I can make it on my own one day.  I typed up a resume, not a very good one I might add, and I'm going around to all the local Dr. offices.  By my family forcing me to give this man up, it has caused me to really take a closer look at my life and realize the necessary things that need to happen for me to have my own life won't ever happen unless I make them happen.  That's why i'm seeking a career and hopefully a life of my own.  Maybe one of these days our paths will cross again and we'll get a second chance.

Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know if I love him because we have not known each other that long. The thing about getting older is that I don't worry about falling in love any more, I have watched enough relationships and seen that the idea of "falling in love" is just that, a term. For some reason we are attracted to each other. He makes me laugh and it has been a long time since I have met a man that makes me laugh and I mean really laugh. The few times we have been together we laugh and have a great time. I don't worry about what he is doing or who he is doing what with whom. He does not seem to do the same to me. If I get a call from another male friend, he does not get upset and paranoid. So far he seems to really enjoy my company as well. I am taking it one step at a time but I do find myself wanting to rush sometimes so I stop and take a breath then remember, we may be older but there is still time.

 

I am sorry that you were talked out a relationship. Families, sometimes, think they are doing what is best but they don't really have any idea what is going on inside our heads. At some point we have to just tell the family to butt out. We need to make our own mistakes and learn from them. As long as the family is allowed to dictate they will. You need to set some boundaries with them. Meaning, thank them for their love and concern but remind them that you need to experience life as it is and they won't  or may not always be there for you to fall back on so you would like to do some experimenting now while you DO still have them to help pick up the pieces if you fall. When you are over 18 it is always your decision, but you don't want to alienate the family but you will have to if they don't take a step back and allow you some breathing room. You have a disease, so you have to learn how to deal with life with all of its ups and downs and you know that the family means well, but protection sometimes grows to resentment. Talk to your family help them understand that while you appreciate their protection, you do have to do this on your own. If you need them then you will call them, but please allow you to make your own mistakes, who knows they may not be mistakes. I hope you get a second chance with the man of your choice and not your families.

 
October 24, 2008, 5:23 am CDT

51 soon to be 52

dateing sucks at this age if you are a female.. in the past few years, the only men that are interested in me are the ones looking for a 'nurse with a purse' so they can leave their current wives.They can't make it on their own and are looking for an easy way out of their so called bad marrages before they get so sick they can't leave.. i am still active and looking for a partner in crime, i never married,  no children and i want to have a little fun with a partner before we settle down on the couch and do the couch potato years.

oh yes and other females do not want to be friends with you especially if they are married.. if you are single at this age, you are as welcome as the flu. i feel this way about it.. your first and second wives got the best years of your life and now you want to leave her.. well she can take care of your problems and support you as you supported her children and her life style..i deserve more than a broken down old fart that had children with his second wife and is now looking at paying child support and college and he wants to /has to retire.  i was not cute or thin enough for you men when i was younger, but now the steady hard workeing faithful, but not attractive/thin enough for you is now needed.. screw you. go back to your wife. i deserve better than you.

 
October 24, 2008, 5:51 am CDT

Not True!

Quote From: blue_2007

This is just one example of many double standards for dating/romance for women.  Another example is that "ugly"/overweight men can date thin, pretty women, but change those positions and it's suddenly weird and wrong.

Honestly. How many fat, bald, ugly men do you see with thin, pretty women? Based on the couples I know, almost 90% of the time the man is more attractive than the woman. It isn't about looks. It is about how you treat each other. Far too many women these days, treat their men like crap and expect them to take it. As a part of our politically correct/feminist society, we have trained women to be selfish. We constantly tell them that if they do nice things for their husbands, that they are being subserviant. What a load of garbage.

 

All men want is a woman who treats them kindly and makes them feel loved. Looks only go so far. In my opinion, it is women who are more shallow. They want looks, personality and money.

 

Thank god, not all women have bought into this line of thinking, but unfortunately it is the majority.

 
October 24, 2008, 6:12 am CDT

You just married the ...................

Quote From: suem311

Ramona

Be ware-take it slow. Having married at 23 to a 37 year old didn't seem like a problem at the time. Now, at 51 and he's 65 everything has changed. I'm not ready to stop and he is. I want to go out and he doesn't. Sex is over-has been for several years. Medical probably, but he won't go see a doctor. Many more issues than I bargained for.

Susan

  Maybe it's the fact that you just married the wrong man? I happened to be 23 and my husband was 39 when we were married. That was over 21 years ago. We still have a wonderful and full life despite the fact that I am the one who ended up with a disability. (Severe Chronic Pain with my back and Fibromyalgia) Our sex is is still just as satisfying if not more than it was in the beginning. Actually it's better because of the 23 years we have spent getting to know everything about each other.

  My husband turned 60 last June and it's still hard for me to even comprehend because he does not look or act his age. To us age is just a number. We even have a larger age difference than you do. We've obviously talked about the things that come along with his getting older and if he were to have problems, he would certainly seek help from a doctor because he's not ready to give up that part of his life. I imagine he won't be willing to give that up for many years now.

  Seriously the age difference between us is not a problem at all. We are soul mates and were meant to be together. I will always believe that. I also take offense when people on this message board make disparaging remarks and call older men "old farts" and say they look like our "grandpa". Nothing could be further from the truth. I wish people could have more tact and realize that some of us are actually married to older men. It's very insulting. I'm incredibly proud to be seen with my husband and he still has women falling all over themselves to get his attention.

  I really wish this entire "age" thing would be put to rest and people would just get over it!

 
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