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Topic : 01/20 Dating Double Standards

Number of Replies: 227
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Created on : Friday, October 17, 2008, 02:56:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/24/08) Ladies, what would you do if you had to return to the dating game in your 40s, 50s or even 60s? Dr. Phil’s guests point to a double standard between men and women. Men can date women young enough to be their daughters, while a middle-aged woman who dates younger men is sure to face criticism. Caroline is a 58-year-old grandmother who has been married three times and is still looking for her Prince Charming. She admits to traveling from Monaco to Amsterdam and throughout the States in search of love, often with younger men. Caroline says she even accepted a proposal from a man she met online -- a suitor she has never met in person! Her daughter, Anara, says the problem is not her mother’s age, but that her mom doesn’t act her age. Is Caroline just living life without limits, or is she her own worst enemy when it comes to meeting Mr. Right? Then, Dr. Phil talks to Patti Stanger, CEO of The Millionaire’s Club, an exclusive dating service that caters to wealthy men and women who are looking for love. Find out why Patti says Caroline is heading toward a life of loneliness, and learn her dating tips to increase your chances of finding a mate. And, Anna is only 30, but she says some men already think she’s too old to date! Her friend, Robyn, says Anna's independence turns some men off. Find out what happens when Dr. Phil cameras follow Anna for a night on the town. Plus, meet a divorced mom who says she’s been on the dating scene for 15 years and has yet to find a man her age who wants to commit.. Join the discussion.

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October 24, 2008, 2:33 pm CDT

Dating Double Standards

I'm a 44 year old woman who has been down the Internet Dating route. Dr. Phil you were absolutly correct telling Caroline she was desperate. I wanted to shake her up!  In my early days of internet dating I went to meet any of the men who asked me on a date with the idea of "why not give everyone an opportunity" you never know who might pass you by. There were in the same city as me but there were a few who flew to see me. I would never fly to meet them. As well I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time. My choice. After a lot of disappointing, shall we say relationships, I would say not and be blunt about it and say booty calls that I took a step back. I re-evaluated myself and what I wanted as well as what I wanted in a partner. Which is what you were trying to tell Caroline but she was to smug or I hate to say it stupid. She came across arrogant. As well with Internet Dating and dating in general, you have to read between the lines. Everyone is on their best behaviour, out to impress. But without having your wits about you and are able to see between the lines and it's easy to do with very simple questions. I could go on with my experiences but you would all be either bored or relate. We've all been there. On the upside of internet dating I met a wonderful man and dated long distance for 3 years before he proposed and we were married Oct 2007.

The fact of the matter is that there are double standards in dating.
 
October 24, 2008, 2:34 pm CDT

Girlfriend get help!

Quote From: sweetbabyrose2

I am 27 years old and I was just in a relationship with a 44 year old man but I ended the relationship this past July. I am happy that I ended it because he was not the right guy for me at all. He was possesive and a control freak. He wouldn't let me go anywhere by myself and wouldn't even let me drive my own car without him being there with me. I have learned my lesson with him. But now I am in a relationship with a man who is only 3 years older than me and I am very happy with him. My new boyfriend doesn't do anything to me that my ex did to me. Right now as it stands, my ex won't leave me alone at all and I have had to bring the cops into it but they can only do as much as they can. As far as I know my ex doesn't know about me and my new boyfriend and I don't want him to because he threatened the next guy that I was going to be with the night that I broke up with him. To me younger women like me need to be careful dating older guys and not rush into anything with them if you are not ready to. I can't say much for older women because they are older than me but for younger women just be careful dating older guys. The dating double standard for older women is not fair at all to them. If they find someone younger and they are happy with them just leave then alone to be happy is all I can say.

Girlfriend, this is dating violence. 

 

Get a restraining order right away. 

 

This guy is not going to stop.  Breaking up with him will not stop the harressment, trying to control you or stalking you. 

 

One of the signs or red flags of dating violence and domestic violence is when the abuser dates someone who is much much younger than the abuser.   You stated he was controling.  The cause of dating and violence is using tactics to maintain power and CONTROL over the victim. 

 

He is now stalking you. 

 

Get help now!

1.800.799.SAFE

 

Melissa

AL Coalition Against Domestic Violenc

 

October is domestic violence awareness month. 

 
October 24, 2008, 2:38 pm CDT

Married Younger!

I dated someone I worked with for several years, we married less than 1 year after our first 'date'.  He's 6 years younger, he was under 25 when we wed.  Now 12+ years into the marriage, we have 2 children and are just as happy.  He has no interest in searching around.. I say that now, but I still think in his 40's, 50's and beyond, our relationship will continue the same.

 

 

 

 

 
October 24, 2008, 2:41 pm CDT

single double dating standard

All I can say is I have been trying to find someone AGAIN. In all honesty on the net. I can tell you most men are looking to trade 1 50 year old for 2 25 year olds. This does not just apply to single men.It applies to all men except the ones who are actually happily married to a decent looking older woman. Believe me when I tell you there are very few of those men around. Women such as myself would like to find a nice man in my age group with some sort of looks and personality to have as a companion.On the net it does nothing for my self esteem when only men way older ,or largely over weight ,or no looks and decent grooming skills seem to show through thier pictures. If I thought I could find a nice younger fellow who thinks I may know more in the bed or have my stability all set I would give it a whirl no doubt.I still think young as most do. We get old but our minds do not. What appealed to me when I was young still appeals to me now. Just as it does with most people. It is just a matter of getting what you want , and what price you will pay to get it.Make overs to enhance a youthful appearence. Or endulge a young man on your arm with trinkets and outtings. I have niether of these so I sit feeling depressed most of the time looking for some kind of companion in my life.If men can want young and pay the price for it so should we be able to do so.And who cares what others think.Let them get old alone and see how well they like it out in the young single world of dating.
 
October 24, 2008, 2:47 pm CDT

dating double standards

In my thoughts, I've often joked...I'd love a man ten years younger than me, and ten years older than my eldest child.  there's a difference of thirty-five years between my children and myself!

 

I love viewing Patti Stanger, host and owner of the Millionaire's Club and I love viewing you too, Dr. Phil!

 

nancy gall

 
October 24, 2008, 2:57 pm CDT

Older man worked out for me.....

I was married for 7 years my first marriage and we have a daughter that is almost 9.  We were married about 2 weeks after my 18th birthday, he was a year older. Needless to say, we were young and neither had a clue who we were much less eachother!  Not long after we separated I started dating a man I knew, he used to come in my work.  I was 24 and he was 41.  I got alot of static from my friends! However we have just made our 3rd anniversary married, been together 4,  I am 28, he is 45.  He had custody of his 2 daughters, so we have them plus my daughter.  I am currently in nursing school (RN), and will finally reach my goal next May.  The age difference has never really been an issue with us, I guess because I wanted a "grown up" husband so bad ha, which was lacking the first time!  I have always wanted to "take care" of everyone and everything and is probably my main reason for marrying and having a baby so young.  But after doing all of the  taking care of 24/7, and growing up in the process, it got OLD FAST.  It feels so good to have mutal relationship, being that we BOTH do our parts. We help eachother and share the duties! Now my friends understand, him being older makes him so laid back and trusting and never jealous!! I love that.... There have been a few instances when we feel eachothers "era", but not enough to matter. I say, to each there own. You've got to go with what ever makes you happy  as long as its not hurting anyone. I am glad he had younger children, I don't know if I could've handled him having kids close to my age!!!  
 
October 24, 2008, 2:58 pm CDT

Pioneer Days

In Pioneer Days/Gold Mining days, men would put ads in big city newspapers (NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, Boston) saying things like "hard working man with house in Colorado wants wife. Write to Mr. Williams Box 12 Gold Hill, Colorado."  Then they would write letters back & forth for a while. Yes, they might have been lying about age/wealth---but in my grandmother's age group (the 1880s), many marriages were done this way.  If well-off, the woman might visit first but many women just came out to the West & married!  So what's different between that & using the computer.  With a computer, you are still writing letters & if you're intelligent, you can research the person (buy a background check program for your computer).  The woman who flew all over the world is no different than women I used to know when I was married to a very wealthy man. Women in our "jet set" world would hear about a great guy in Greece, so they'd fly from NYC to Greece, attend a party with other friends & meet & talk with, date the guy.  Often, the women over 30 (back in the 70s) would lie about their age. Now & then, a man would lie about his age, altho' there IS a double standard.  Men in their 50s would just Be in their 50s, wealthy/powerful men always attracted women of all ages. I've known women in their 40s & early 50s who were wildly attractive to men of all ages.  I got out of my first marriage/out of the very wealthy status group & began dating police officers, actors, men from all walks of life. It was fun for 5 years & then I married an actor.  We've been together for 22 years now. A 16 year old boy once told me "Age is just a number" and then began talking about how if he'd been a teenager in the 60s, he'd have dated me (I was 55 at the time).  I was  in shock over this & kept my distance but it sure was flattering to have a kid that young finding me attractive.  Georgia O'Keefe, the great painter, in her 70s met a young potter who was 19.  They lived together in Romantic, creative relationship until her death.  You can get a film about O'Keefe from your local library.  At first, you think "OMIG, how weird!" But if you watch them hiking around in New Mexico together, working on art projects together & just talking---there is such a soul/heart/mind connection, the age means very little.  I don't see anything crazy about the woman who flew all over the world to date IF she enjoys travel and IF she does a background check first.  Hearts get broken whether you are dating someone your age, older, younger---whether you met through church (like I did in my first marriage), the theater or Whatever.

Don't judge so much.  I cannot believe there is still this absurd double standard!  Who thinks, when they see someone like Jack Nicholson with a 33 year old woman "Oh, Gross."  But if a woman Jack's age were with a 33 year old guy, people freak out. 

 
October 24, 2008, 3:00 pm CDT

Enjoy the Process!

I am 56. I have never been married, but if there is a dating experience to be had, I think I've had it.

I have dated many wonderful men and many losers. I had my heart broken when I was a young adult and it took me a very long to get over him. But, I have come to realize that he was verbally abusive to me. I just couldn't get it then because I was so smitten with him. He was very attractive, talented and charming, at times.

Last year I placed an ad on my local Craigslist. I was afraid of who and what I would meet. But knowing that I would meet several people, I wanted to take it slow and to enjoy the process, because, I like men and I wasn't looking for a husband per say. I was looking for a man to spend time with, to have a relationship with.

I placed the ad and received responses from about 15 men. One of them was just after sex, playing games. His response was deleted immediately.

A 32 year old answer my ad. I wasn't interested in meeting a man who was young enough to be my son.

I heard from several men who were very interested in my being fit and not overweight. I was overweight and immediately responded to them, letting them know. I also had a plan to join a gym and to get on the weight loss track. I am much thinner now and much more fit. But I have a few more pounds to lose. I am enjoying this process as well.

With all of the guys, we emailed back and forth several times before we met. I met a few of the men in public places--coffee shops, parks (very public parks). For so many of them, one meeting was enough for them or for me. One guy stood out in the crowd. We met in parks and walked together and talked several times before we were in each other's homes or cars. We dated informally for six months before he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend, not his wife. That would have been toooooo fast, toooo soon. We had been in contact and spent time together for six months, getting to know each other, before we kissed the first time. Oh my God, you mean six months? Yes, six months. He is such a great, special guy. He is straight forward, but not in a hurry.

How does this feel? Safe, real, sincere.

So the guest you had on your show today who wants to meet someone for the first time and become immediately engaged, I think needs to slow down, way down.  She needs to enjoy the process. She needs to enjoy the men she meets as humans.

 
October 24, 2008, 3:06 pm CDT

Over 50 and dating again

Earlier this year I divorced my second husband because he was a compulsive cheater.  The ex was age 52 and was dating a 42 with three teenagers.  The last day he was heading over to a male friend's house to watch football and he gave me a kiss good bye and I  Love You as usual.  I just had a feeling and drove by his friend's house he was not there I then drove over to another place he might be and he was not there either.  I called him on his cell phone and asked where he was and he said he was over at his friend's house and I said I just drove by there and told him where I was and he decided to tell me over the phone that he was over at his new female friend and was moving in with her that night.  Luckily, I had the support of his family, including his 1st ex-wife and her family.  He was engaged one month later but they were having issues a month later and wanted to move back in with me.  I wouldn't let him.  We were divorced in April and I received a text message that his new finance and him were officially off and he told me where he would be moving.  My birthday is in July and I received another text to wish me Happy Birthday and he still thinks of me.  I have also caught him driving by a few times, (he told my neighbor he was in the neighborhood) when he lives 25 miles away. His birthday was last Monday and I am happy to say I didn't wish him Happy Birthday. I also learned that he was disappointed in me for loosing weight 50lbs and he was dating 250+.  I also found out he was playing the field for a while.  I felt deceived and used with this marriage. I hope what ever goes around comes around and hits him square in the eyes.

 

The week of our divorce I placed an on-line ad and specifically wanted ages between 41-61.  Most of the responses were between 21 through 38.  I did go out with a 31 and had fun but I couldn't get it out of my mind he is my kids ages. I also dated two 38 year olds.  I dated a two 48 year olds, 50 year old, two 53 year olds and none over 53.  I ended up dating one of the 48 year old and we have been dating and we are doing fine after six months. I just found out he is not interested in dating a woman that is over weight, I am, but he liked my personality and decided to over look it. At least we were born under the same President.  I much rather date a younger man than an older one who tries to control and think they are hot stuff when they are not, really I think they are afraid to get older.

 

After the first divorce we didn't have the Internet but I have never had any problems dating and wonder why so many women have problems.  Are they setting their standards too high?  Always tell the truth about yourself especially if you want the man to be honest, makes sense.

 
October 24, 2008, 3:06 pm CDT

10/24 Dating Double Standards

I've been through a lot in my life, I'm soon to be 53 yrs old.  I have found that men are most attracted to women who are self-sufficient and capable of living their life without a man.  If a woman presents herself to be that way, she has the upper hand, and it's up to her to let that man into her life.  I don't propose a "sugar MAMA", but it's easier to weed out the undesirables.  If a woman can take care of herself, feel good in her own skin, she can find the man that can be her lifemate.  I agree with you Dr. Phil.  Caroline is too desperate to find a man.  What has keep her financially up until this time?  Her other "husbands"?  She seems to me to be a female predator.  I have had more propositions in the past 10 yrs from younger men.  Are they looking for their mother?  I find the attention to be flattering, although it's depressing in a way, too.  Evidently the younger woman of this age isn't prepared to take care of a man the way he needs to be, otherwise he wouldn't be looking for an older woman.
 
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