First of all, sounds to me like familiarity has bred contempt in this marriage and second of all, nowhere have I seen the word 'friendship' used to describe this couple's situation. I want to know were they friends before lovers? Love before lust? Routine before romance?
Sounds to me that this couple were locked into a rut long before any of these accusations of mistrust surfaced and it has been swept under the rug for years and been put in the 'too hard' basket. The other thing I will say is, they appear to have taken each other for granted, not nurturing their relationship and concentrated their efforts on raising their kids and forgot about themselves.
Procrastination is the seed that continues to grow when problems in a relationship are at stake.
If feelings and friendship and personal space are not nurtured then those things wither and die.
Then over a period of time, resentment has built up, with one side slinging off at the other. Let me just say this:
Alcohol is no excuse for this male to cop out on his responsibilities as a husband.
He needs to get help for his addiction but for himself, not to try and worm his way back into a marriage (and his wife's favour) that looks to me like it is beyond repair. His fragile ego has taken a dive and that's why he drinks. Been there, seen that, lived with that and I know what I'm talking about. Don't con me.
Also no excuse to blame his drinking on his wife's long working hours - what is he, a man or a mouse that he has to resort to the bottle to raise his ego when his wife is not there to cook his dinner or warm his bed when he gets home?? Blames alcohol for his straying?? Get real!! If you love a woman, whether you are married to her or not, she deserves the same trust she gave you when you took on this relationship. He's disgusting.
I have lived amongst an alcoholic family and extended family all my life so nobody can insult me with that excuse. And I will tell you right now how his children will feel in later years, much later years, as adults in their twenties and thirties when it is going to hurt the worst and continues to hurt more. I am just gone 50 and I can tell you right now what it feels like from experience, coming from a fractured family. The pain NEVER goes away, it only gets worse. Don't think they aren't watching and learning from him either because children are sponges, they absorb and they watch and they learn - 'if it's alright for him, it's alright for me to treat my girl/boyfriend like that'. So don't ever think what he is trying to excuse now will wash with his kids because it won't.
Try and repair the damage with them by showing them the humility you owe them by admitting you are an alcohol addict and a cheat. I have never forgiven my father for what he did to his five kids when he abandoned us at the age of 10 but you have the chance to be a man and put it right.You said you could make the effort to do that.
How she can even look at him and still live under the same roof as him after knowing he cheated on her several times, is completely beyond me. Tell me, what trust is there left for her now?? How can she possibly trust him any more after knowing he had a taste of freedom and what's worse, enjoyed it?
Personally, once I have been betrayed, regardless of whether children were involved (I have one son, 13), once the trust is gone, so is he. I have three fundamental rules when it comes to relationships - you don't cheat on me, you don't hit me and you don't lie to me. He would be out the door on the first one. I won't tolerate it and nor should this wife; certainly I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to repair this marriage for the sake of ths kids. They aren't stupid, they don't need pretence, they need honesty. Pretending to get along is even worse than being apart.
Once again, I speak from experience - I have never been married but I have seen four marriages (three of my sister's and my parents') in my family destroyed by mistrust and alcohol.
Take it from me, trying to repair this marriage sounds like a waste of time because there is too much damage on both sides and one side more than the other. Children are divided between both parents and may be influenced unfairly with two people so obviously resenting one another and will start asking questions of themselves, were they to blame. They should not be in the middle, this marriage has nothing to do with them, it is between two consenting adults and they need to sort it out away from them or they will satrt taking it out on their kids and trying to poison one against the other.
So no, I don't think this marriage has a chance in hell. There is too much anger and resentment and why should she turn around and trust him again when he was fully aware of what he was doing and how it would affect her? He is a sneak and I would boot him out so fast his would make his head spin.
I hope she does the same.
(Original Air Date: 10/27/08) A recent Reader’s Digest poll ranked trust as the number one crucial quality for a happy marriage. But what happens when trust between spouses is broken? Deanne and Brian have been married for 12 years and have four children between them. Now, due to alleged lies and infidelity, divorce is just a signature away. Deanne says that Brian has had multiple affairs, inappropriately touched his stepdaughter’s friend, sent messages to other women and seldom wears his wedding ring. Brian says that’s all in the past. He blames Deanne’s long work hours and his previous alcohol abuse for his straying, and says that if those two things remain under control, he thinks their marriage can work. Deanne’s daughters, meanwhile, have conflicting opinions. Find out whose side they’re on. Will this family remain divided? And, can and should this marriage survive? Speak out!
