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Topic : 04/07 Broken Trust

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Created on : Thursday, October 23, 2008, 01:01:37 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/27/08) A recent Reader’s Digest poll ranked trust as the number one crucial quality for a happy marriage. But what happens when trust between spouses is broken? Deanne and Brian have been married for 12 years and have four children between them. Now, due to alleged lies and infidelity, divorce is just a signature away. Deanne says that Brian has had multiple affairs, inappropriately touched his stepdaughter’s friend, sent messages to other women and seldom wears his wedding ring. Brian says that’s all in the past. He blames Deanne’s long work hours and his previous alcohol abuse for his straying, and says that if those two things remain under control, he thinks their marriage can work. Deanne’s daughters, meanwhile, have conflicting opinions. Find out whose side they’re on. Will this family remain divided? And, can and should this marriage survive? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 25, 2008, 4:54 pm CDT

MIDLIFE CRISIS

Quote From: starkitty1

So I've been married twice and the ? is does a man after 12 yrs of marriage have the right to just have a few marital affairs and expect his wife to forgive him and trust him again."NO!NO!NO!" No he does not have that right...yes marriage after a few years may get boring or whatever but why is it that all of a sudden it is ok for the man or even the woman,to decide to just hop into an affair ,and expect that their marraige will be ok.It is never ok after an affair,the trust is gone and I honestly do not think that it will ever be back!!!!

  This is what I wrote in my share Diary because I'm a tad of a spazz when it comes to navigateing the internet...lol!!! Anyway that is my opinion and as far as I am concerned the wife should leave the creep who is probably just having a midlife crisis of some sort and go find herself.Because when she starts finding herself she will find out that what her husband did was only out of his own selfishness and that she needs to move on and find someone who will respect her for what she is...the kids I'm sure when they found out what their father did were probably very ashammed of their father and would not mind if their mother would move on and at least get the respect their mother deserves.

 

That's my opinion and trust me from expierience I think that it would be the best thing for that woman to pay heed.

I.m so sorry, but listen there no such thing as midlife crisis. Some men are just pigs with big ego. Being full of theirself. They are like vimpire sucking the life out of their wives and whom ever they are cheaping with. The pigs.

 
October 25, 2008, 5:05 pm CDT

Trust is Sacrosanct

First of all, sounds to me like familiarity has bred contempt in this marriage and second of all, nowhere have I seen the word 'friendship' used to describe this couple's situation. I want to know were they friends before lovers? Love before lust? Routine before romance?

 

Sounds to me that this couple were locked into a rut long before any of these accusations of mistrust surfaced and it has been swept under the rug for years and been put in the 'too hard' basket. The other thing I will say is, they appear to have taken each other for granted, not nurturing their relationship and concentrated their efforts on raising their kids and forgot about themselves.

 

Procrastination is the seed that continues to grow when problems in a relationship are at stake.

 

If feelings and friendship and personal space are not nurtured then those things wither and die.

 

Then over a period of time, resentment has built up, with one side slinging off at the other. Let me just say this:

 

Alcohol is no excuse for this male to cop out on his responsibilities as a husband. 

 

He needs to get help for his addiction but for himself, not to try and worm his way back into a marriage (and his wife's favour) that looks to me like it is beyond repair. His fragile ego has taken a dive and that's why he drinks. Been there, seen that, lived with that and I know what I'm talking about.  Don't con me.

 

Also no excuse to blame his drinking on his wife's long working hours - what is he, a man or a mouse that he has to resort to the bottle to raise his ego when his wife is not there to cook his dinner or warm his bed when he gets home?? Blames alcohol for his straying?? Get real!! If you love a woman, whether you are married to her or not, she deserves the same trust she gave you when you took on this relationship. He's disgusting.

 

I have lived amongst an alcoholic family and extended family all my life so nobody can insult me with that excuse. And I will tell you right now how his children will feel in later years, much later years, as  adults in their twenties and thirties when it is going to hurt the worst and continues to hurt more. I am just gone 50 and I can tell you right now what it feels like from experience, coming from a fractured family. The pain NEVER goes away, it only gets worse. Don't think they aren't watching and learning from him either because children are sponges, they absorb and they watch and they learn - 'if it's alright for him, it's alright for me to treat my girl/boyfriend like that'. So don't ever think what he is trying to excuse now will wash with his kids because it won't.

 

Try and repair the damage with them by showing them the humility you owe them by admitting you are an alcohol addict and a cheat. I have never forgiven my father for what he did to his five kids when he abandoned us at the age of 10 but you have the chance to be a man and put it right.You said you could make the effort to do that.

 

How she can even look at him and still live under the same roof as him after knowing he cheated on her several times, is completely beyond me. Tell me, what trust is there left for her now?? How can she possibly trust him any more after knowing he had a taste of freedom and what's worse, enjoyed it?

 

Personally, once I have been betrayed, regardless of whether children were involved (I have one son, 13), once the trust is gone, so is he. I have three fundamental rules when it comes to relationships - you don't cheat on me, you don't hit me and you don't lie to me. He would be out the door on the first one. I won't tolerate it and nor should this wife; certainly I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to repair this marriage for the sake of ths kids. They aren't stupid, they don't need pretence, they need honesty. Pretending to get along is even worse than being apart.

 

Once again, I speak from experience - I have never been married but I have seen four marriages (three of my sister's and my parents') in my family destroyed by mistrust and alcohol.

 

Take it from me, trying to repair this marriage sounds like a waste of time because there is too much damage on both sides and one side more than the other. Children are divided between both parents and may be influenced unfairly with two people so obviously resenting one another and will start asking questions of themselves, were they to blame. They should not be in the middle, this marriage has nothing to do with them, it is between two consenting adults and they need to sort it out away from them or they will satrt taking it out on their kids and trying to poison one against the other.

 

So no, I don't think this marriage has a chance in hell. There is too much anger and resentment and why should she turn around and trust him again when he was fully aware of what he was doing and how it would affect her? He is a sneak and I would boot him out so fast his would make his head spin.

 

I hope she does the same.

 

 
October 25, 2008, 6:10 pm CDT

Past behavior....

Dr. Phil used to say something very often that I remember back to his appearances on "Oprah':  "Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior."  That is definitely the case if a person doesn't want to do the work necessary to keep their marriage going.  Brian has a problem, and that is blaming his bad behavior on his wife's long hours at work and her previous alcohol abuse.  Whatever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions?  I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my husband used to blame me for the problems in our sex life and, with low self-esteem at the time, I was willing to take the blame.  But when I got healthy through counseling and my own husband helping me realize that my self worth isn't dependent on him or anyone else, I stopped accepting the blame that wasn't mine to take and made changes in my life for the better.  Unfortunately, my husband wasn't willing to change his behaviors and eventually, after almost 6 years of dating and 18 years of marriage, left me and our two children for another woman.

 

I hope Brian and Deanne can work things out and rebuild trust, but it's going to take years not days to do.  And both have to be willing and repentant for their past mistakes.  If only one is willing or if they're both unwilling, then they might as well go find lawyers and save themselves from anymore pain in a marriage that has reached the breaking point.

 
October 25, 2008, 9:39 pm CDT

Broken Trust

Quote From: sfgallup

if you don't understand what trust is then

you have a real problem in your life. If you don't understand what trust means

then you are to a person who is incapable to trust or be trusted.

A broken trust is when you give your life, thoughts and soul in a relationship with

the belief that ,that person will protect, honour and keep himself only unto you.

That is what a wedding vow is all about.

 

Who ever wrote that has my total trust---that is the perfect answer to the statement in question.  I would love to talk to you.
 
October 25, 2008, 10:30 pm CDT

lots of luck

i have been through bad times in my marriage that i thought i would never get over. i knew  that line had been crossed. drugs, lies oh i was never going to be able to trust him agian, and i had a 12 year old turning 13. no no more i dug in and started a divorce. my husband had everyone fooled it was me that had spent all the money and was causing the problems.  but don't mess with mom's we protect our young. i paid for a hair folicle test my husband made me pay for one for me to. I was clean and he was not i did my homework and he failed. he then admitted his problem and stayed clean. he has been clean for over 12 years and has a job that does random drug testing which helps me. 

the road to the marriage recovery was not an easy one on either of us but i think it was harder on him. we both think it has been worth it but i think it's been the last 2-3 years that we finally got to a good spot. thats a long time of trust issues and watching our step so we don't get hurt again or i should say it was mainly on my side. he's a good man.

 

but how much can you forgive because .................forgetting may not be possible.

and you can not use it in a fight or you will continue to hurt you self.

trusting has taken me a good 10 years and i had the min. yearly drug test as my life vest.

 

good luck what ever you decide

 
October 26, 2008, 6:20 am CDT

TRUST

DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER STAYING WITH THIS PERVERT.  HE'S ALSO  A  LIAR AND  CHEAT.   GET OUT BEFORE HE RUINS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 

 
October 26, 2008, 5:13 pm CDT

broken trust

Quote From: hpmx59

Broken Doctor Phil/Robin Trust.  What is this all about? What is a Broken Trust anyway? I donot understa--

nd that. See you on Monday October 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------

 broken trust. i don't trust people. i don't even trust my husband. he hurt me so many times already, that i don't know what to do. when i cough him on the computer checking out porn, he turned around and said that i make stuff up. he wasn't doing anything wrong. i was the problem. i work at a school and asked our computer teacher how i can find out what he is doing on the computer. didn't know, that i can check the history. so check it out, it showed me what sides he was on, what day and how often. i shod it to him and he still denied it. he makes me so sick. we have 3 teenagers. they use the computer to do homework. sometimes he forgets to lock out. so the kids see it to what he does. we haven't had sex since April.
 
October 26, 2008, 7:47 pm CDT

Broken trust

IMy former husband and I met when I was 14 and he was 15.  We married at 21 and 22 (fyi, I didn't sleep with him). About being together for 23 years, I discovered he was cheating.  It almost destroyed me and I actually don't think I ever really recovered.  He moved out and one year later despite his requests to come home, I obtained an attorney and filed for divorce.  I explained to him that seeing another woman was reprehensible, but betraying our friendship was truly unforgiveable.  Regardless of all the pain, I cannot imagine staying with someone (we had a wonderful home and plenty of money)  Betrayel by anyone you care deeply about is sheer torture.   I am poorer , but not bowed.  Without maintaining your self respect and dignity, what else is there?  
 
October 26, 2008, 10:53 pm CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: sfgallup

with out trust there is no bases for a marriage.

Once trust is broken it will always be there in your thoughts

when he is a minute late or the way he looks at someone else.

I always say "You can paint over the strip of a shunk but you can

never take away the odor. A shunk is a shunk and nothing can change that

fact" If you cannot truly forget and I mean really forget then you can not

find that complete trust you started with at the beginning of a marriage.

we live in a world today of less morals, less caring, less commitment.

We don't value the lives of others around us let alone value the lives of those

that we say we love. We toss each others lives, feelings, heart , emotions around like a baseball and heaven help us where it lands. Each person needs to demand respect, demand that honour , and except not less then truth, honesty and faithfulness in a relationship.

love is just a four letter word that is the easyest of all words to say. Has no one heard that action speaks louder then words. Its not only what you say but how you say it not only in words but in your every day action. Respect demands respect, committment is a 100 % on both sides.

Women think that when a man has sex with them and whisper all those sweet nothings in their ears that that is love. Sex to a man is just a won battle and then they go on to the next battle (woman) to see if

they can win that battle.Love is just the name of the game. And some of us women just never realize it.

I fully believe that any woman or man that gets married more then once should go a speak to the other expartner before they get married. There are 3 sides to a story, his side, her side, and the truth.

If a woman has brains she will be able to pick out the truth. If any man or woman stays in a unfaithful , abusive relationship then they are just passing those teachings and principles on to their children and the circle will just keep going on and on. Someone needs to say enough and break the circle.

Trusting someone to be faithful and honest is one of the goals but trusting that someone with your soul and freedom and your life is another goal. If you cann't trust him with your life, your thoughts, your feelings then get the heck out. Just remember it is always the darkest before the dawn and god closes a door but he will always open a window to give you a way to escape.

Has no one heard your grandparents say that men have the atitude of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk free--well women it is also said "why buy the pig just for a little sausage."

 
October 27, 2008, 3:48 am CDT

broken trust

Seems there is more here than just trust issues.  But staying on subject,  She'll leave him.   Looks like that is what she wants to do.  Or she is on the show to get you to talk her out of it.  She stayed through the alcohol abuse, and other problems, she rebuilt her trust then and now she's had enough.   A heart can only break so many times.    Choose wisely,  sometimes there is no going back.

 
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