Topic : 04/07 Broken Trust

It's as if this couple donesn't know each other??  They should have talked before they got married!  When couples have intimate relationships before marriage, it makes you feel you're closer to that person emotionally than you actually might be if you didn't sleep with them.  It alters the dynamics of a relationship.  That is why abstaining from sex is wiser, until you know that person really well and what you want in a mate.  Since the couple already have kids, try counseling...to work this out.  But if you can't restructure your lives together...than get out.  Don't accept him 'relapsing' with adultry.  And she needs to check back into life, not withdrawn from her life, and spend her birthdays with her KIDS and FAMILY!!  She's loosing precious time with her girls and son that she will NEVER get back, for what??....WORK!!!, and money???   I'll cross my fingers that you find your way out of your melodramatic life....  Good luck,  Anne from MI

This is such a common theme.

Question :    Other then Dr Phil and a few other incredible men - rare and far between - such as my Priest - Why marry?   My therapist isn't married and I know a ## of other female therapists who aren't married - WHO NEEDS THIS PAIN!

We marry them for better or for worse -  the worse is so ugly and disrespfedul and selfish that we can't take it and we divorce them.   

Do we all need to marry only Ex-Priests.

Where are the good men!   The ones who are loyal and loving and carring.   

I am married a second time and refuse to haved children with this man -  he flirts, verbally zings me!    I had to hang out in colleged 5 years taking classes with the future therapists to straighten him out!   I became an engineer.  

 So far he has not had an affair -  not for lack of trying -  WE ALL KNOW SOMEONE WHO DOES THIS -  

DISRESPECTING US means they DO NOT VALUE US -  !

I have my emergency fund of money he knows nothing about -  and my attorney picked out.    When he found out he freaked and finally wants the marriage.

QUESTION :   Are happily married people a thing of the past or rare occurrences.

SLB  -   Bunny White

Unfortunately when the trust is broken then more than likely it can't be fixed.  My ex husband and I were married for ten years and we had 2 kids together and he cheated numerous times, he was extremely physically and emotionally abusive.  You may ask why I stayed for ten years in that kind of situation.  The reason I stayed is because for one I was horrified of him and for 2 I thought that because we got married so young (we were only 18) that he would eventually grow up and grow out of this kind of behavior.  By the age of 28  he still hadn't grown out of it and when our 6 year old daughter started wetting the bed again I knew it was time to get out.  I see things this way and I could totally be wrong but from my experience it has been correct.  I marriage has to have a foundation much like a house.  That foundation for marriage is based on trust, honesty and respect.  Once that foundation is broken it's gone forever.  Just like with the foundation of your house.  If that foundation is broken you can have it fixed but it will always be weak where it had been broken.  You may can forgive for infidelity but you will NEVER forget.  It will always be in the back of your mind and you will always wonder if they are being faithful.  Believe me I tried.  But what's even worse is the next relationship you are in that tends to carry over and you have a tendancy to question that person when in fact their personality is not to cheat.  My ex husband is an alchoholic as well.  He would drink beer all day even while he was at work then he would come home and have his rum and coke (and I don't mean just one drink........I'm talking 4 or 5 before he went to bed).  What I thought about when I made the choice to get out is what we were teaching our children.  He was teaching them that it's ok to cheat and I was teaching them that it is ok to put up with it.  I don't want my children to live through what I lived through.  They deserve better than that.  I also determined that he had the potential to be better parents apart than together.  At first I felt like I was teaching my children to just give up and get out of an uncomfortable situation.  Then I had to go to counceling because my self esteem was so low and what I learned from that counselor was that I had done all I could possibly do to make a difference in our marriage but that sometimes it's best for all involved to exit the termoil and abuse.  She told me that if you have a mirror that is broken into a hundred pieces there's no way to fix it.  You might can glue it back together but that mirror will never show a perfect image again, it is permantly flawed.  I have however seen marriages where one party has cheated and the other has forgiven and the one that cheated has had so much remorse that they never do it again and that marriage was stronger than it had ever been.  But there was also no abuse in that relationship.  In this case if he has been accused of touching one of your daughter's friends inappropriately then there is something much deeper than cheating and alchohol abuse.  Mom needs to protect her kids and get out and stay out.  First it was one of the daughter's friends what if next time it's one of the daughter's?  Believe me when I say that is not something any child should have to carry on their shoulder's.  I've been there and it has haunted me since I was 8 years old.  I have finally at 37 years been able to not think about that every single day of my life.  I was able to start living somewhat of a normal life when I was about 25 years old when I finally talked to him and I was able to confront the issue and tell him that I forgive him no matter what but I don't have to be a part of his life.  So, bottom line is once that foundation of trust is broken it's gone!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know your situation because I'm not there.  But, I HAVE been there.  I am on my fourth marriage and I finally am extremely happy.  I don't believe that marriage is for everyone but to think marriage itself is a bad thing because of a bad experience isn't fair either.  I felt the same way you do after my first divorce and it was even worse after my second divorce.  I thought all men are liers and cheaters.  I didn't think that there was a man out there with any integrity, morals or respect for women.  Then I looked at my parents (which by the way my step dad is my mother's 4th husband as well).  They have been married 32 years and they have had some major up's and down's and their down's were no easy road.  Then I met my 3rd husband and we were friends for about a year before we starting dating, then we got married and he was absolutely faithful but he was an alcoholic and I couldn't live with that.  We were married for 4 years and the only reason I stayed that long is because I loved his kids as much as I loved my own. 

Now I am married to my 4th husband and we have had our up's and down's as well.  My  mother has told me my whole adult life that no marriage is perfect and there is going to be good times and bad times but only you can determine if there are more good times than bad times.  Which one weighs more.  If you could put good and bad on a scale which one would be more?  There is going to be pain in ANY relationship we have in life, whether it be with our children, our parents, grandparents or friends.  When our children hurt us do we forgive them or not?  Absolutely we forgive them because as parents we love them unconditionally just as we should love our spouse.  There are also definitely things in our marriage that we cannot and should not have to tolerate and infidelity is one of them. 

If you don't want to have children with your current husband then you shouldn't because that means you are unsure of where you are headed.  If he wants to try to make it work now that he knows there is a possiblity of losing you then maybe you should give him a second chance.  But only you can make that decision for yourself.  If your whole heart isn't in it then you would be wasting your time and energy as well as his.  There are good men out there but even the good men don't come without faults.....just like women.  I consider myself to be a very good woman but I still make mistakes and I am not without faults of my own.  I say things and do things myself that afterwards I think to myself why did I do that or why did I say that.  Maybe your husband is dealing with something from his past that unfortunately you are taking the brunt of.  Which by the way isn't fair but it is a reality.  We all have a tendancy to take things out on the people closest to us. 

As a child did you ever disrespect your parents?  Did that mean that you didn't value them or did it just mean you were being selfish at that very moment?  I know I did and I absolutely adore my parents.  Yes, we do marry them for better or worse and sometimes the worse is really really bad but if you can forgive and I mean truly forgive then you may have a chance at a wonderful marriage.  But if you can't then you need to get out to make yourself happy.  After all if you're not happy then you can't honestly make someone else happy. 

I honestly don't believe that happily married people are a thing of the past or a rare occurence.  I do however believe that it is what we make of it.  We determine our own destiny.  It sounds to me like you are at the end of your rope.

I'll be glad to correnspond with you if you just need someone to talk to!!

i REALLY HATE THESE KIND OF SHOWS BECAUSE DR PHIL GETS OFF THROWING THE MEN UNDER THE BUS.

THE WIVES CAN HARDLY DO ANYTHING WRONG.

THE FAMILY IS 'SHAKEN BY THE HUSBAND'S AFFAIR', HOW ABOUT THE WIFE BEING A WORKAHOLIC AND NOT A 'PART OF THE FAMILY'

DR PHIL NEEDS A REALITY CHECK, ROCKY MARRIAGES TAKES 2 TO MAKE THEM ROCK