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Topic : 04/07 Broken Trust

Number of Replies: 132
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Created on : Thursday, October 23, 2008, 01:01:37 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/27/08) A recent Reader’s Digest poll ranked trust as the number one crucial quality for a happy marriage. But what happens when trust between spouses is broken? Deanne and Brian have been married for 12 years and have four children between them. Now, due to alleged lies and infidelity, divorce is just a signature away. Deanne says that Brian has had multiple affairs, inappropriately touched his stepdaughter’s friend, sent messages to other women and seldom wears his wedding ring. Brian says that’s all in the past. He blames Deanne’s long work hours and his previous alcohol abuse for his straying, and says that if those two things remain under control, he thinks their marriage can work. Deanne’s daughters, meanwhile, have conflicting opinions. Find out whose side they’re on. Will this family remain divided? And, can and should this marriage survive? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 24, 2008, 5:28 pm CDT

Doctor Phil Show

Broken Doctor Phil/Robin Trust.  What is this all about? What is a Broken Trust anyway? I donot understa--

nd that. See you on Monday October 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------

 
October 25, 2008, 1:09 pm CDT

trust

with out trust there is no bases for a marriage.

Once trust is broken it will always be there in your thoughts

when he is a minute late or the way he looks at someone else.

I always say "You can paint over the strip of a shunk but you can

never take away the odor. A shunk is a shunk and nothing can change that

fact" If you cannot truly forget and I mean really forget then you can not

find that complete trust you started with at the beginning of a marriage.

 
October 25, 2008, 1:13 pm CDT

trust

Quote From: hpmx59

Broken Doctor Phil/Robin Trust.  What is this all about? What is a Broken Trust anyway? I donot understa--

nd that. See you on Monday October 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------

if you don't understand what trust is then

you have a real problem in your life. If you don't understand what trust means

then you are to a person who is incapable to trust or be trusted.

A broken trust is when you give your life, thoughts and soul in a relationship with

the belief that ,that person will protect, honour and keep himself only unto you.

That is what a wedding vow is all about.

 

 
October 25, 2008, 1:24 pm CDT

the true question, are they going to change.

if they haven't change or seek help, ging it their 110 %  there probaly not going to.  i was married to a guy, who lie to me,to my freinds about me, never had sex with me, ( he would act like it was a sleep, WHEN I COME HOME from work) and while i wasat work, he would watch prono and jack off. i finally found a cable bill with all these movies on it, i confronted him and of course he said someone else order them. at that time i knew we really had a problem and i agree to go to counsiling with him to help him overcome this. i loved him so much, i tryed giving a 110% and then he started lying to me ,the counslier, saying he wasn't doing it anymore.(but,we still didn't have sex)then i catch him in the acted. and with only 5mos.of being marry, i told him i wanted a divorce and he move out.then he would call and say that he was going to kill me.  i'm not saying everyone is like that.the would be wrong. what iam use wisdom----if you keep catching doing stuff- he is probaly not going to change. and noone needs to live in that kind of hell!
 
October 25, 2008, 1:25 pm CDT

Broken Trust

 

I feel that there are many marriages like this out in the world today.  It's really a shame, and I'm hoping that one day there will be people who KNOW BEFORE IF THEY SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED!  (I've been married to MY Husband for 41 years.)  I think people should get to know one another much better BEFORE MARRIAGE!  Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

babs60

 
October 25, 2008, 1:38 pm CDT

Does a Man Or Woman Have a Right....

Quote From: hpmx59

Broken Doctor Phil/Robin Trust.  What is this all about? What is a Broken Trust anyway? I donot understa--

nd that. See you on Monday October 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------

So I've been married twice and the ? is does a man after 12 yrs of marriage have the right to just have a few marital affairs and expect his wife to forgive him and trust him again."NO!NO!NO!" No he does not have that right...yes marriage after a few years may get boring or whatever but why is it that all of a sudden it is ok for the man or even the woman,to decide to just hop into an affair ,and expect that their marraige will be ok.It is never ok after an affair,the trust is gone and I honestly do not think that it will ever be back!!!!

  This is what I wrote in my share Diary because I'm a tad of a spazz when it comes to navigateing the internet...lol!!! Anyway that is my opinion and as far as I am concerned the wife should leave the creep who is probably just having a midlife crisis of some sort and go find herself.Because when she starts finding herself she will find out that what her husband did was only out of his own selfishness and that she needs to move on and find someone who will respect her for what she is...the kids I'm sure when they found out what their father did were probably very ashammed of their father and would not mind if their mother would move on and at least get the respect their mother deserves.

 

That's my opinion and trust me from expierience I think that it would be the best thing for that woman to pay heed.

 
October 25, 2008, 1:47 pm CDT

Difficult but not Impossible

Broken trust.....it can kill a relationship of any nature, but if the two people are commited to working it out they will have  greater chance of healing.  It takes a life time to build a good reputation and one single second to demolish it.  So it is with reparing trust. It takes time and commitment.

 

In my opinion good counseling is a must.  I wish them luck and love.

 

Dr. Robeta Lee PhD

 
October 25, 2008, 4:16 pm CDT

Trust

Quote From: hpmx59

Broken Doctor Phil/Robin Trust.  What is this all about? What is a Broken Trust anyway? I donot understa--

nd that. See you on Monday October 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------

 Look (Infidelity)!! have nothing to with trust, belive me. Tell me this how can you put your trust in another when one cannot trust oneself? Have you ever told yourself I will never never do something again or something you were going to do know matter what? Yell what  happen? Look to be faithful with one spouse or campaion is control of his/her self. And one moral.  Do you feel me? Love real real love bring one home to his/her spouse or companion.  Know matter the temptation. Russell you have the rigth to not understand broken trust, because there is no such thing as trust between human being baby. See you have to know the differ between real love and sex never have anything to with the other. Tell more on Monday October 27th, 2008. Your faithfully, marry ten years now and no (infidelity).

 
October 25, 2008, 4:33 pm CDT

More to trust than just "affairs"

Quote From: sfgallup

with out trust there is no bases for a marriage.

Once trust is broken it will always be there in your thoughts

when he is a minute late or the way he looks at someone else.

I always say "You can paint over the strip of a shunk but you can

never take away the odor. A shunk is a shunk and nothing can change that

fact" If you cannot truly forget and I mean really forget then you can not

find that complete trust you started with at the beginning of a marriage.

I can't trust my husband and his word or what he tells me bc he has lied and BS'd me so much--he hasn't had an affair but he does "flirt" with women while at work--which he says he doesn't.  He tells me it is for business, blah blah blah.  He is in denial of truth and when I say the truth he blows up on me.  The non-trust has grown and his lies and bs have grown. He is very selfish and manipulative.   To say the least I am fed up and contemplating leaving.  I have 5 children from 2 previous marriages and we have only been married for 6 months.   All of it affects me and has affected my children.  HIs daughter is not in the picture bc she is too good for us and hates us.  One big mess to say the least.

His life revolves around work and football/TV--or just the things he is interested in.  He could care less about anything else, especially me.  HIs "manhood" is a major issue with him too--more than I have ever heard any other men talk about.  If you don't like and aren't into all the things he is into then you aren't a MAN---football mainly!!
 
October 25, 2008, 4:47 pm CDT

Trust is Sacrosanct

First of all, sounds to me like familiarity has bred contempt in this marriage and second of all, nowhere have I seen the word 'friendship' used to describe this couple's situation. I want to know were they friends before lovers? Love before lust? Routine before romance?

 

Sounds to me that this couple were locked into a rut long before any of these accusations of mistrust surfaced and it has been swept under the rug for years and been put in the 'too hard' basket. The other thing I will say is, they appear to have taken each other for granted, not nurturing their relationship and concentrated their efforts on raising their kids and forgot about themselves.

 

Procrastination is the seed that continues to grow when problems in a relationship are at stake.

 

If feelings and friendship and personal space are not nurtured then those things wither and die.

 

Then over a period of time, resentment has built up, with one side slinging off at the other. Let me just say this:

 

Alcohol is no excuse for this husband to cop out on his responsibilities as a husband. 

 

He needs to get help for his addiction but for himself, not to try and worm his way back into a marriage (and his wife's favour) that looks to me like it is beyond repair. His fragile ego has taken a dive and that's why he drinks. Been there, seen that, lived with that and I know what I'm talking about.  Don't con me.

 

Also no excuse to blame his drinking on his wife's long working hours - what is he, a man or a mouse that he has to resort to the bottle to raise his ego that his wife is not there to cook his dinner or warm his bed when he gets home?? Blames alcohol for his straying?? Get real!! If you love a woman, whether you are married to her or not, she deserves the same trust she gave you when you took on this relationship. He's disgusting.

 

I have lived amongst an alcoholic family and extended family all my life so nobody can insult me with that excuse. And tell you right now how his children will feel in later years, much later years, as an adult in their twenties and thirties when it is going to hurt the worst and continues to hurt more. I am just gone 50 and I can tell you right now what it feels like from experience, coming from a fractured family. The pain NEVER goes away, it only gets worse. Don't think they aren't watching and learning from him either because children are sponges, they absorb and they watch and they learn - 'if it's alright for him, it's alright for me to treat my girl/boyfriend like that'. So don't ever think what he is trying to excuse now will wash with his kids because it won't.

 

Try and repair the damage with them by showing them the humility you owe them by admitting you are an alcohol addict and a cheat. I have never forgiven my father for what he fid to his five kids when he abandoned us at the age of 10 but you have the chance to be a man and out it right.You said you could make the effort to do that.

 

How she can even look at him and still live under the same roof as him after knowing he cheated on her several times, is completely beyond me. Tell me, what trust is there left for her now?? How can she possibly trust him any more after knowing he had a taste of freedom and what's worse, enjoyed it?

 

Personally, once I have been betrayed, regardless of whether children were involved (I have one son, 13), once the trust is gone, so is he. I have two fundamental rules when it comes to relationships - you don't cheat on me, you don't hit me and you don't lie to me. He would be out the door on the first one. I won't tolerate it and nor should this wife; certainly I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to repair this marriage for the sake of ths kids. They aren't stupid, they don't need pretence, they need honesty. Pretending to get along is even worse than being apart.

 

Once again, I speak from experience - I have never been married but I have seen four marriages (three of my sister's and my parents) in my family destroyed by mistrust and alcohol.

 

Take it from me, trying to repait this marriage sounds like a waste of time because there is too much damage on both sides and one side more than the other. Children are divided between both parents and may be influenced unfairly with two people so obviously resenting one another and will start asking questions of themselves, were they to blame. They should not be in the middle, this marriage has nothing to do with them, it is between their parents and they need to sort it out away from them.

 

So no, I don't think this marriage has a chance in hell. There is too much anger and resentment and why should she trun around and trust him again when he was fully aware of what he was doing and how it would affect her? He is a sneak and I would boot him out so fast his would make his head spin.

 

I hope she does the same.

 

 
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