Quote From: tina_socal Time and time again in this discussion, well meaning but uninformed people have insisted that gender variant people are simply "confused" and all they need to make that confusion go away is to be immersed in activities and behaviors that reinforce sterotypical behaviors associated with their birth sex.
And despite the repeated claims that "once they turn 18 they can choose to do whatever they want", in reality families, friends, churches, employers and society in general do not stop trying to "cure" the non-transitioned individual by suggesting that he is just confused and can make it go away by immersing himself in stereotypical gender roles and "acting like a man".
So since all the tonka toys and cap guns and crew cuts didn't already work, he is then faced with adopting stereotypical *adult* gender roles and behaviors, and the two most obvious ones are:
get married
have kids
So the transperson, who is desperate to try ANYTHING that might make his suffering go away and make him "normal" takes this advice in good faith, gets married, has kids...and eventually learns that just like all the other stuff he tried as a kid, it doesn't work and the feelings persist.
When he can no longer keep up the sham and comes clean, it absolutely can wreak havoc on the life of his family...but it is the height of hypocrisy to them blame the transperson for making a good faith effort to do what he has been told his entire life will "fix" him...if any blame lies with him at all it is in listening to family, church and society rather than listening to his own heart and mind.
Add to this the fact that family, chuch and society in general all tell gender variant people both implicitly and explicitly that their feelings are shameful and should be kept hidden, and you have a situation where meeting people who would love and accept them regardless of their gender expression cannot happen in the atmosphere of openness and honesty that good relationships are built on. Once again by accepting the advice and admonitions of others in good faith, the transperson is doomed to either live a lie and eventually disappoint their partner, or forgo *ever* having any intimate relationships and the joy, satisfaction and comfort they bring.
As for "confusing" children, when a parent transitions early in a child's life or before having children the kids seldom have any lasting problems with it at all- mostly because their heads haven't been crammed full of bigotry and intolerance yet, and they learn the true nature of the transgender parent as someone who loves and cares for them.
Besides that, transitioning usually allows a person to lose much if not all of the anger, sadness and depression they have been burdened with their entire life, as well as getting rid of the clumsy, fake approximations of the gender behavior that was expected of them. In the case of male born TS's this false "masculine" persona often involves being cold, aloof, quick to anger, insensitive, overbearing, intolerant, drunk, etc., none of which makes for a good parent...
SO many male born transpeople hide their natural tendencies to be warm, kind, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, etc. because they are deathly afraid to show any sign of stereotypical "feminine" traits, lest their true nature be revealed...once again, something that people like many on this board are convinced is the answer/cure to their problems- repress it, hide it, pretend it doesn't exist... "just act like a man".
Thank you Tina, well said.
Dr. Phil tackles the sensitive topic of children who identify more with the opposite sex. What do you do if your son wants to wear dresses and play with dolls? Or if your daughter tells you she wants to be a boy? Should parents chock it up to being a phase that their children will grow out of, or should they intervene right away? Meet Melissa and Tim, whose 8-year-old son declared himself to be a girl when he was just 3 years old. Now, they allow their child to live as a girl and wonder if and when they should begin hormone therapy. Then, when Mary’s son was 8, he told her he felt like a girl, and Mary allowed him to experiment with dressing as a female. Now a teenager, her son is more comfortable living as a male -- but Mary wonders if she caused his confusion. Joining the discussion are experts with differing points of view: Dr. Dan Siegel, professor and clinical psychiatrist at UCLA School of Medicine, and Glenn Stanton, author and research fellow with the organization Focus on the Family. Is gender identity something we’re born with, or is it influenced by parents and environment? Don’t miss this heated discussion, then talk about the show here..
