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Topic : 10/29 Gender Confused Children

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Created on : Friday, October 24, 2008, 02:51:47 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil tackles the sensitive topic of children who identify more with the opposite sex. What do you do if your son wants to wear dresses and play with dolls? Or if your daughter tells you she wants to be a boy? Should parents chock it up to being a phase that their children will grow out of, or should they intervene right away? Meet Melissa and Tim, whose 8-year-old son declared himself to be a girl when he was just 3 years old. Now, they allow their child to live as a girl and wonder if and when they should begin hormone therapy. Then, when Mary’s son was 8, he told her he felt like a girl, and Mary allowed him to experiment with dressing as a female. Now a teenager, her son is more comfortable living as a male -- but Mary wonders if she caused his confusion. Joining the discussion are experts with differing points of view: Dr. Dan Siegel, professor and clinical psychiatrist at UCLA School of Medicine, and Glenn Stanton, author and research fellow with the organization Focus on the Family. Is gender identity something we’re born with, or is it influenced by parents and environment? Don’t miss this heated discussion, then talk about the show here..

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 29, 2008, 3:58 pm PDT

YOUR IGNORANT

Quote From: renschi

Children are not born gay or lesbian, they are made that way by people and that is so sad for everybody involved.  Some one close to the family circle hurt that child emotionally on a very young age. Without sometimes parents knowing it and without professional help when needed. It is an emotionally block that this children have to help them cope with a much delicate and painful experience. (most of the time without realizing  themselves)

Parents, please just love your child and accept him or her the way they want to be, reject the lifestyle (sin) not the child.

RW



Your above posting is so close minded and foolish. I know many gay people who had perfect wonderful childhoods and family life. It's close minded people LIKE YOU who do emotional damage!
 

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October 29, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT

Test

 Testing 1, 2, 3, ..................................
 
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chillin'
October 29, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT

live and let live

Hi My name is Mona but thats not my birth name i  was born a male and am living my life as a female. I thank God that i had understanding parents becouse i too was just like the child in your story ever since i was a child i never understood the difference between the genders all i knew is that i was being myself and from what i understand i was just like a girl everything i did i was constantly told "Dont do that your not a girl , your a boy"and it went in 1 ear and out the other. It was quite difficult growing up becouse back then there was no diagnosis and some people were narrow minded or just not educated. the truth is that there is a condition called Gender disphoria and just like anyother birthdefect its out there and all we can do is deal with it. what i dont understand is how ignorent people are even in 2008. No one should comment unless theyve personaly had to deal with something like this.   God Bless!!!  
 
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October 29, 2008, 4:02 pm PDT

A way to think about it

   I think there is nothing wrong for a child wanting to dress a certain way. When you think about a girl wanting to dress in boy clothes or wanting to play sports such as hockey or tykwon do you let them? you dont say well that is a boy sport or you may get hurt and say no. So explain why  a few flowers or kitty cats on clothes define someone, or even some pink shoe laces. What is barbie dolls in a bedroom, they are toys. I have two daughters and I let them play with cars and legos.. What is the difference. If a child is happy and enjoys being the way they are who are we to take that away.  I know you should explain how someone else out of the home may look at them and treat them differently but let them decide what they want and like. We are here to support them and be there for them in decisions they make, and keep them safe and out of crime. Dressing differently doesnt hurt no one and is not a against the law.
 
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October 29, 2008, 4:05 pm PDT

10/29 Gender Confused Children

Quote From: blondie101010

Although I disagree to consider religion as a source of information, I still follow most of its principles which I've learned when I was young.

 

The main thing I learned about Jesus' message is to accept and love others unconditionally. 

 

Since you say God doesn't do mistakes, do you mean that God intentionally makes people handicapped, sick, deformed, etc?

 

I myself suffer from GID and have always suffered from it since as long as I can remember.  My parents never encouraged me the least in following these preferences and interests, but I still remained troubled after all their efforts in making me "normal".

 

I don't resent them and I can understand the way they educated me, but I am convinced I would've been much happier if they had considered my disorder (like the couple in the show today).

 

Crying after school each day and considering suicide at 12 years old is not "normal"!

It is not God who has done this to us.  It is Satan and some of the health problems are from our ignorance on what we have done to this world to make it so unhealthy.
 
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October 29, 2008, 4:06 pm PDT

I have a friend...........

Hi Dr. Phil,

I have a friend that is 29 years old, who is kind, trustworthy, loving, and funny. She told me she is really a man and how she "knew" she was a girl "inside" from the age of 10. She told me how her father beat her.

She has had a very hard time, but is happy with her decision. It would be good to have another show with adult trans genders, or trans sexuals.

I feel terrible for these people and what they have to go through.

Thanks for letting me share........

A big fan

Beth

 
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October 29, 2008, 4:07 pm PDT

10/29 Gender Confused Children

I think that there is gender identity issues with children, but to say whether a boy really should have been a girl or a girl really should have been a boy cannot be determined until they are much older.  I know many boys that had girl like tendencies growing up, but are straight men with some very feminine characteristics.  What happend if their parents had decided that they were really girls and decided that they should have been raised as girls.  Do you think that maybe they could have become suicidal, drug using, depressed teens.  We need to protect our children and educate them on how they really feel and how society behaves.  When they are old enough to decided whether they can deal with the negative issues that will come along with their decision then their family should be there to support them and advocate for them.
 
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October 29, 2008, 4:07 pm PDT

Gender Identity Disorder

Interesting show, however, I think you should have given more time for scientic fact. The most recent scientic studies point to a genetic basis for Transexuality. This is clearly a condition with a biological etiology. To imply that somehow the parents are at fault is both absurd as well as a terrible load of guilt to inflict on parents of Transgender children and adults. I am Transgender and I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister with the same parents. None of them are Trans. In my case, it had nothing to do with how I was raised.

 

Human Growth and Developement Studies indicate a child by the age of 3 or 4 years old has formed an identity of gender. Most Transgender people realize very early on in childhood that they feel very different than the other children. In my own case, I was told God did not want me to be a girl. He made me a boy. My father was pretty much macho and into fishing, hunting, sports. He made me tag along but I was bored to death. I would have much more prefered  to do more creative and socially perceived "feminine" things. I never fit in in school although my grades were excellent. The boys would mock me by making gestures of a "limp wrist" etc.

 

I used to pray that I could be like "normal" boys. No one would choose to be someone who is marginalized and made fun of. I tried to repress my feminine side and I guess I did OK, however, people would typically peg me as being gay as soon as I opened my mouth. Growing up in the 60's and 70's, I had no positive role models and felt isolated and confused and depressed. The social messages that I got regarding being a feminine man were negative from family, school, church, everywhere. My depression and isolation intensified. I tried to imerse myself in work, church, or school but it was always to escape myself.

 

In 1992, I finally ran across a Transgender bar in Los Angeles where I was living. Within 20 seconds I knew I had found myself and my community. Not long after that, I began to go for counselling to try to begin to integrate my masuline and feminine self and figure out how to best package it. /It was the smartest thing I ever did. It took me the next 15 years to finally have the courage and finances to have Gender Reassignment surgery, which I wish I could have done when I was 14 y.o. That was one year ago today and I have absolutely no regrets at all.

 

In reference to the teenage boy who is supposed cured now, I would think it is more like that he has decided life is easier living as a boy and is repressing his gender issues. Most every Transgender person goes through numerous "purgings" determined that they are going to live as their biological sex. For most, they soon realize the foolishness of that. Some last a week. Some last months. Some can manage to last years. In every case, the psychological damage of trying to live as someone you are not catches up with them in depression and self destructive behavior.

 

I also believe in the idea of a Gender Identity Spectrum. On one end in Barbie and GI Joe on the other end.

Most boys fall near the G.I. Joe end and most girls fall close to the Barbie end. Very few are that extreme but most fit the binary gender sterotype. Trans people fall further from the ends of the spectrum and some are at the extreme opposite end of the spectrum from their biological gender. Some people can deal with their gender variance without surgery or without having to live as the opposite sex. Those unfortunate enough to have a gender identity that is completely incongruent with their biological gender tend to have the most personal conflict and hormones and Gender Reassignment Surgery is often the best solution for them to be happy. Post surgical patient satisfaction studies done in UK and at University of Oregon on transexuals hsaving undergone Gender Reassignment surgery suggest  that well over 90-95% of patients are satisfied or extremely satisfied with their decision.

 

The reigious people do not want to recognize the facts. This is a biological issue. It is no more immoral than being left handed. This is how people are hard-wired in their brain. I applaud the parents of Transgender people who can love their chilren unconditionally. I wish my parents had the sense to allow me to purse my innate interests rather than repressing my thoughts and feelings and spending years of my life trying to find happiness. I went to evety Church in town Been there, Done that. It doesn't work.

 

Also, in respose to the Black Muslim couple who said that God doesn't make mistakes. I challenge him to go into a Chilren's Hospital and look at the children with cancer, or Cerebral Palsy, or Muscular Dystropy etc. and make that same statement.

 

I believe the conservative religious people are so threatened by the issue of Transexuality and Sexual Orientation because a biological etiology totally undoes their belief in a literal interpretation of the Bible and threatens their entire theology. They also argued that the world was flat and that Evolution is wrong. They would prefer to believe in Adam and Eve and a talking snake as Bill Maher says in the movie "Religilous".  Personally, I feel the parents of the Transgender child showed more compassion and exemplified the heart of Christ far more than the guy from Focus on the Family or the Black Muslim couple or most of the audience for that matter.

 

 

 
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October 29, 2008, 4:07 pm PDT

Something to think about...

Quote From: jbennett

Nice to know someone finally realizes that just because a child "wants" something or "likes" something does not mean we as parents should give it to them. If they want to smoke or drink as a child because they feel like it should we as parents let them? Or do we guide them away from it. If the issue is too big then go get professional help to guide them. Don't just give in to things that are bad for them because THEY keep asking. Get real a three year old has no way of knowing how to make these types of decisions....Isn't that what parents are for?

Parents should keep children from making HARMFUL decisions. I agree with that. Keep them from playing in the busy street, don't let them play with explosives or sharp objects, and don't let them do drugs. I just don't see how that relates to something as fundamental as gender. Being a boy or a girl seems so simple when your flesh is congruent with your mind, but can be utter hell otherwise. The suicide rate for transsexuals is about 50% because a lot of transsexuals don't feel they have a chance at living a normal life, and it's usually because of societies view of us. If you are truely religious, then you should know that a person is body, mind, and spirit. When you choose to only look at the flesh, you only see the body. We are much more than our flesh... we have a mind and spirit that need to be nurtured too.

 
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October 29, 2008, 4:08 pm PDT

people need to open their minds

Today's show just made me sad, not only for the families struggling with this issue but also that fellow community members and the general public is so close-minded to the idea of gender confusion and that it exists and must be very difficult as a parent to understand.  As a parent of a little boy, I can't imagine how these parents must be feeling about their family and how to raise such a child.  It seemed to me that the audience was quick to judge against the parents in the show but really this IS an issue today and that you can't just tell a child "no, you are not going to wear clothes or play with toys of the opposite sex".  It upset me that the woman in the audience in the end would tell her little boy if he wanted to play with a Barbie doll that he would play with a boy toy or no toy at all.  She has NO idea what that little boy is going through and would just be ignoring a real issue.  Besides the fact that the kids with gender issues don't just ask one time these requests, they ask over and more and more and will end up doing it themselves!  Ignoring it would cause serious serious issues down the road with not only gender issues, but self-esteem, depression--obviously the parents would not accept their kids for being different.  These kind of parents are those that disown their kids if they are gay or have different interests.  That is sad for everyone involved.  I don't know the answer and have no experience at all with this, but I wish we could all be a little more understanding, sympathetic and open our minds that these issues DO exist and not judge so harshly and quickly as to how the parents handle them.  They are trying to do the best they can and I don't think people really try and put themselves in that situation--I can't imagine how hard it would be as a parent.
 
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