Quote From: freakycat125I find so many aspects of this subject absolutely confusing and illogical. I really have to admit I do not understand... despite the fact I have read about, and even know homosexual and transgender people. I hope no one will be offended if I ask a few questions.
1. What do clothes have to do with Gender? I mean clothing is cultural, and it varies in different countries and through out history. The early Roman men wore short skirt like garments... and sometimes the Greeks wore nothing at all... I am certain Jesus didn't own a pair of pants, because they weren't invented yet in his day. Bras, Pants, and underwear are basically modern inventions. Therefore it could not be a biological, instinctive or inborn need for someone male or female to wear women's underwear. Fruther natural born women do not wear dresses very often at all, Most women don't wear nearly as much make-up, or worry about their hair and clothing as much as trans gender people. Honestly most women don't dress that differently from men. So why is clothing so much of an issue with these confused gender people?
2. What difference does it make really what gender you are? I mean sexual preference sure, people like what they like I guess. I am a woman who is attracted to men, It would not occur to me to even think of being with a woman, so I suppose that if a man felt the same way for some reason, then it would be hard to change.... but gender for the sake of gender only... like wanting to be the opposite sex just because you feel like a man or a woman? What is the point of that? For example why would a man change his gender to female, and then be a lesbian? Why would he bother to change his gender... and apart from sexual preference, what difference does it make if you are male or female? WEll other than the difference in economic opportunities. It seems to me a man getting a sex change cuts his paycheck in half, and volunteers to recieve condesending attitudes, and descrimination... even if he successfully convinced people he was a real woman. Why would anyone want to be a woman if they were not born one?
3. Why do interests, toys and hobbies have to be gender specific? Plenty of little girls like to climb trees, and play with toy trucks. I remember in kindergarten they made the little girls play with dolls and the boys play with trucks. I used to take trucks away from little boys every time the teacher left the room, cause dolls got boring after a while. I don't think that made me a guy... I think assuming gender is based in toy preference makes any sense at all. Fruther I still think trading recipies, and a lot of other feme activities are boring. I don't think that makes me a guy either, just a woman who would rather be in a room full of men listening to them talk, than in a room full of women listening to them talk. On the other hand, some men like being around mostly women, and listening to them talk about clothes, and hair. Some men like to cook. That doesn't make them gay, or women... it might just mean they like women a lot? Could I be right on this? How are toys and hobbies gender related anyway? People enjoy what they enjoy. Why can't people do whatever they want to do regardless of gender?
4. What is wrong with just letting people wear what they want, and play with whatever toys they want, and just not attaching a gender to it? Trying to pass for the opposite sex is another matter, but if men just think our clothing is more intersting, why not make silk shirts in pastel colors for men, Women already enjoy the right to wear jeans, and slacks. Why not just have clothes, instead of women's clothes and men's clothes?
5. I've heard gender confused men say they felt like women... but how do they know what it feels like to be a woman in the first place. I actually asked a few, who described that feeling to me, and I can honestly say, I never felt that way in my life. I asked around to my female friends, and they don't feel that way either. It seems to me that women take their gender for granted, They don't go around singing, "I feel pretty." If someone was to ask me how it feels to be a woman, I'd probably describe the pain of minstral cramps, cause I figure that is the only thing I or any other woman feels that is any different from what a man feels.
6. If a person had a transgender operation, what are the odds of a straight, normal, hetherosexual person wanting to date them or marry them? How could they tell people they date that they are transexual without getting gay bashed? Is it really fair for them to try to pass as women, and pick up men, when in fact most men will only be repulsed when they find out, and it might even cause them to doubt their own masculinity?
7. Don't you think that all this talk about gay and transgender on TV causes more and more people to become gender confused? I have heard people say that young people need to consider their sexual preference... in my day we didnt' consider anything of the sort. It was just assumed, but a small precentage of people were still gay. I think if someone is gay they would know it without thought or discussion.
8. Being molested or raped brings on a lot of confusing, self loathing, and general distress. Is there any link between having gay sex, whether willingly or unwillingly before the age of concent, and being gender confused? Couldn't being forced or coerced into gay sex make a man think he is gay or transgender?
Again I am not trying to be offensive, these are just things I wonder about, and am afraid to ask people I know...could anyone explain any of this to me?
There was no offense taken in anything you asked. I was very glad to see someone who was genuinely interested and I have always answered peoples' questions as honestly and completely as I can. I believe most people are inherently good, and if they only understood more about this, the world would be just a little easier for transgendered people to live in. I personally believe that gender dysphoria is like a birth defect, it is just one you cannot see at birth. That is how I look at it anyway. If you have any further questions, I would be glad to answer any that I can, as best I can. There are some here I am sure someone else would be better to answer than me, I tried to explain all of them the best I could.
1. The clothing issue. Part of the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care REQUIRE those seeking gender reassignment surgery to dress in the gender they identify with. In order to comply, most people pre-surgery dress in I guess what you would call extreme. The male to female would have to wear a lot of makeup, a dress is more covering and less revealing of traits they currently have; the female to male would usually wear looser clothing, and very masculine. This is an effort to "fit in" and be accepted by the general public. The male to female is usually more concerned with hair and makeup, I think perhaps like other females, they want to look nice. Imagine having to cover a 5 o'clock shadow (this is pre surgery, when the old hormones are still working) You have to keep in mind the basic premise of gender dysphoria. Transsexuals are already male or already female in their minds all their lives, regardless of having surgery. It is about body image. Imagine how confusing it would be for you if you had your female mind and a male body. Your brain is telling you one thing, the mirror tells you another.
2. This goes back to my explanation of body image and the mind. There is a difference between sexual preference and gender dysphoria. The two are in no way connected. Imagine by some crazy twilight zone episode you woke up tomorrow as a man, but you had the exact same mind you have now. Your mind would have remained unchanged. When you first woke up, you would feel the same, but imagine what would happen when you looked in the mirror! You would know who you were in your mind, but the whole world would see a man. Gender is so much a part of who we are, not just what is displayed to the world.
3. I see a lot of kids having to play with certain toys, I don't think that is right. All kids are curious, they may just pick up a toy to see what it is all about, why do the girls like this doll so much, why do the boys like this truck? There may be something silly about the toy they like, maybe the color. I don't think adults should yank the toy away and tel them not to play with it, its an opposite gender toy. Talk about confusing a kid! I don't think toy preferences have much to do with it on their own, it takes other behaviors along with it. I knew a lot of girls who loved climbing trees and getting dirty. There is nothing wrong with that. If a boy takes an interest in cooking in the kitchen, there is nothing wrong with that either. Kids, remember are just small adults, and they have a lot of different interests.
4. I think the gender roles assigned by society have stayed around so much because it is what their parents did. No other reason but that. I am sure a lot of people would like to wear clothing different from what they wear, but society dictates what and how we do things. Some people who are not secure in their sexuality usually complain the loudest. That does not apply to everyone, for some it is simply their own upbringing.
5. That one I have trouble answering, I have no idea what it feels like to be a woman. I bet if you asked ten women what it feels like to be a woman you'd get ten different answers. The same for men. It is difficult to articulate, for the transgendered it is more of a feeling of not belonging to the body you are in. It is a difficult question, some peoples' first thought is "I don't know, I've just always been like this."
6. I can only speak from personal experience on this one. I was apprehensive to say the least. I was even told that no one would EVER love me after surgery. That turned out to not be true. I am married, very happily, and have been for years. It is a very scary thing to tell someone you like and risk being bashed, abandoned, or made to feel like you aren't a person at all. I told the truth right after I met my wife. At that point we were friends, not dating yet. We had a very long talk, I answered a lot of questions, and in the end she accepted me for who I am. I was still the same person sitting across the table from her I had been five minutes ago, and she realized that. All I can say to the guys out there, if you find out you are interested in a girl and she has had the surgery, remember she is the same person she always has been, more so now. You should feel just like you do when any woman shows interest in you, be flattered, take that ego boost. It does not make you less of a man in any way, she is a woman. The only difference between her and a female-born woman is she cannot have children, that is all.
7. I agree with you on this one. People don't think... "should I be gay or straight?" You never sit down and think about it, you just ARE. I think the exposure on tv will not cause confusion, I think it will hopefully help someone out there who think they are the ONLY one realize they are not. I thought that for a long time, I had no idea what to do, I just KNEW I was different. I was afraid to talk about it to anyone. I didn't even know what it was called until I was in my early twenties. I hope it will prevent suicides among transgender teens, and attacks on transgender teens by providing information to the public that is not something to fear or loathe. It is a medical condition.
8. I have never read any correlation between molestation or rape and gender dysphoria in any medical research. Most people with gender dysphoria KNOW by the age of six or so. It is something so ingrained in your mental process, I don't think traumatic events in childhood have any effect on it. Most surgery centers that perform gender reassignment surgery follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, which includes many hours of psychiatric evaluation, living and dressing in the desired gender for at least a year, and passing a multitude of mental evaluation tests. If the candidate passes all this, it then takes a letter of recommendation from two psychiatrists specially trained to evaluate gender dysphoria before surgery can be performed. This is to insure that a candidate is not suffering from something else and causing these feelings falsely. A lot of people are self-loathing without such a traumatic event.
I hope this helps clear the confusion, and like I said before, any more questions, just ask!
Dr. Phil tackles the sensitive topic of children who identify more with the opposite sex. What do you do if your son wants to wear dresses and play with dolls? Or if your daughter tells you she wants to be a boy? Should parents chock it up to being a phase that their children will grow out of, or should they intervene right away? Meet Melissa and Tim, whose 8-year-old son declared himself to be a girl when he was just 3 years old. Now, they allow their child to live as a girl and wonder if and when they should begin hormone therapy. Then, when Mary’s son was 8, he told her he felt like a girl, and Mary allowed him to experiment with dressing as a female. Now a teenager, her son is more comfortable living as a male -- but Mary wonders if she caused his confusion. Joining the discussion are experts with differing points of view: Dr. Dan Siegel, professor and clinical psychiatrist at UCLA School of Medicine, and Glenn Stanton, author and research fellow with the organization Focus on the Family. Is gender identity something we’re born with, or is it influenced by parents and environment? Don’t miss this heated discussion, then talk about the show here..
