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Topic : 10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

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Created on : Friday, October 24, 2008, 02:53:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
In a groundbreaking new series, Dr. Phil counsels 14 strangers who say their lives are absolutely not working. With issues such as extreme anger, addictions, abuse and personal demons that won’t go away, these guests spend an intense three days and two nights in a Dr. Phil retreat, facing the problems that are holding them back. By following their journey, you may just change your life as well. In the premiere episode, Dr. Phil gives his guests a huge wake-up call, using video clips of their private moments at home to demonstrate how their lives have spun out of control. Meet Ron and Angie, a couple struggling with Ron’s alcoholism while trying to parent their 2-year-old child. Can Dr. Phil cut through the fog of a man who drinks 40 to 50 beers a day? And, Kathleen says she hates and fears all African-American men because of something horrific that happened to her over 20 years ago. After she avoids interaction with Wade, an African-American in the retreat, Dr. Phil points out that they have more in common than they think. Plus, Paige is in love -- and in denial -- with a married man. If your life is so busy that you haven’t taken a long look at yourself for awhile, make this hour all about you and get inspired to turn your life around! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 30, 2008, 6:38 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: gagirl88

I hope that maybe a little piece of my story can help someone.

 

 

Alcoholism has been a big part of my life since i can remember. I cannot remember a lot of my childhood because i am told that i blocked a lot of it out. My mom and dad divorced when i was smaller and when i was baout 10 my dad recieved custody of me and my mom had my older brother. My dad was an alcoholic and had been for sometime. My dad and I had a really good relationship we were clse when he wasnt drinking but the drinking was horrible. He would have drinking beinges of about 2 weeks and i would play the role of the parent most of the time. Sometimes he would leave and i would just sit up and worry about where my dad was and if he was ok. I remember one day walking into our house and seeing a gallod=n of vodka and abour 3 cases of beer. I remember being so scared. My dad was passed out in his bed so i just sat and waited until he woke up. I played softball it was a sport he loved and he taught me how to play it and i was really good at it so it was something he was always there for. He coached me almost every year and made every game. Those were the days he did not drink, all my teamates and friends loved my dad and wished he was their dad but all of them did not know what happened at home. He finally lost a really good job he had and then he eventually went through a few jos. We ended up losing our house ,after living there for 3 weeks with no electricity, and moving in with my grandmother. Dad got another job and had it for a little while finally he decided he was going ot get help and quit drinking. he was sober for about 4 months and it was great he wasfinally being the dad i knew he could be all the time. until one weekend he did not come home. I was worried and i had an eye infectionso my grandmother had to take me to the doctor that tuesday morning and i missed school. Dad came home that tueday and i didnt act like anything was wrong. The next morning I was gettin ready for school and my dad asked me if i would stay home with him so he could make sure my eye was taking care of. I told him i needed to go to school. The bus was coming down the road so i told him i loved him. I went to give him a hug and he was stand-offish which was really weird but i told him i loved him and he said he would be there when i got out of school. I went to school and everyhting was ok. Then at one point i remember feeling weird, then i got called to the counselors office where i was told to sit down by my softball coach. She told me why dad was gone and i cant even explain the feeling that came over me. Later that day i found out wat happened to my dad. On november 5, 2003 my dadcommitted suicide. It Has changed my life and i deal with it everyday. If you are or know anyone that is struggling with alcoholism get help. But also know that if a person does not want help then it is a waste of time. you cannot make anyone want to help themselves.

 

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I'm sorry this happened in your life. Thanks for being open and sharing what must be your most difficult trial in life.
 
October 30, 2008, 6:51 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: cate45

Hi Dr. Phil,

 

I haven't written cause I have been working, but if this letter helps one person, then I have done some good in this world.

 

My fiance was an alcoholic, big time. He was already an alcoholic when I met him. He drank 2 cases of beer a day. And he had been drinking for a long time. But hey, 90% of this world drinks or is recovering.  So John and I started dating, after a while we became engaged, and moved in with each other. We lived together for a few months and he really went on a big bender on the 4th of July. He hit me and acted like a fool and I kicked him out. He kept trying to come back but I said that I had had it. He was going to  have to find his own place to live. I called his sister and she wouldn't take him in ... I knew there was a problem if his sister wouldn't even have him.

 

Finally he went to mental health at Ohio State hospital when his friends kept telling him he had to  do something. I went to visit him and we decided to give it a try again. He had to stay with the game plan set down by OSU doctors and counselors. He lost his job and got another one. Really, it was better. He was an insurance broker and the job allowed him to work at his own pace. This was VERY good because the cirrosis had gotten him and he would have to make hospital visits from time to time. Anyway, it was like being with John again and not like being with a empty beer bottle. All the time I reminded myself that the disease had him, and that as long as I kept the disease in control, he would be alright.

 

About a year after the OSU hospital he began drinking again. He switched his drink. He was in denial. I could see the effects of the cirrosis, but he was in complete denial. I asked him  what the doctor was saying and he told me that the doctor was wrong. In January he had to go into the hospital to have water taken off his stomache ... you see, his liver wasn't working up to par. The water that was circulating throughout his body wasn't circulating any more. For 3 years he was in denial and when he came home from the hospital he began crying. He said that he had cirrosis and that he was going to die. Taking the water off of his stomache was saving him,  but he was allowing his electrolytes to go with the fluid and he went to the hospital looking like a 45 year old and this time he came home looking like a 90 year old. That was January of 2007, on September 26, 2007 he died. His liver was gone, his kidneys shut down, his respiratory system failed and he died. I made arrangements for a memorial service and threw his ashes in Indian Lake, just like he wanted. But now I am alone. Me and the cats.

 

I have pictures that I will try to attach so you can see how he went down hill. The moral to this story is don't give a life to alcohol, drugs or anything that is take over. Life is a wonderful thing to have and cherish it for as long as you can.

 

John sunning in August, he died September 2007; John and the cats when he could have gotten it under control about 2003; John and I at concert in September 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cate--I feel sad that you had to go through this with someone you love. That being said--may I call your attention to some very strange things you said that have me confused:
1. But hey, 90% of this world drinks or is recovering.
where did you get these statistics? Or is this just your excuse used to justify this?
2. All the time I reminded myself that the disease had him, and that as long as I kept the disease in control, he would be alright.
What do you mean by, if YOU kept the disease in control? Also, are you talking about cirrhosis or alcoholism?
 
October 30, 2008, 6:54 pm CDT

paigeroxanne

Hey Paige... Have you read LOVE SMART by Dr. Phil? If not, an EXCELLENT book. You're saying that you learned to love yourself at this "Getting Real Retreat of Dr. Phil's," reminded me of Dr. Phil's excellent book, "Love Smart". I checked out from the library to read. Personally, I DO believe that Dr. Phil is right that others in the same denial can "get real" watching y'all. Definitely, a picture is worth a thousand words as in video clips. Oh, Paige, another EXCELLENT book is Robin McGraw's "Inside My Heart." Life is like economics: choice. I wish you and us all the best choices to last a life time. P.S. Congratulations on making the cut to be a part of this eye opener retreat that I think, as Dr. Phil said, will be opening the eyes of many watching as well. May you and all that participated in retreat be blessed "living your best life NOW"... Me too. We too. Sincerely, SEA

SELF MATTERS INCLUDES PAIGE
God Bless Paige and God Bless Paige A Lot

P aige is learning to be her best friend
A mazing courage to step out of denial into reality
I nviting others in same predicament to get real
G ood advice from Dr. Phil for a positive change
E xamples to make better choices helps others

 
October 30, 2008, 6:57 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: ramair

Just saw the first episode. Man, Dr Phil's really got his work cut out for him with this crowd.
How dare Paige whine about being "judged" for having sex with another woman's husband? If this man did leave his wife for her, it wouldn't be long before she'd be judging the hell out some woman just like her. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you, toots.
Ron and Angie? What a pathetic pair of losers. If they don't get their act together, Dr Phil will be duty-bound to report them to CPS.
Wade and Kathleen? I've got hope for them. It's rare, BTW, for black men to rape white women. It's usually a black-on-black, white-on-white crime.
this is unnecessarily hateful. sad.
 
October 30, 2008, 7:03 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: ontiptoe

Read Dr Phil's book, 'Life Strategies'.  I did and it changed my thinking!  You are responsible for YOU!  No one can change your circumstances accept you and if you feel victimized, it's YOUR responsibility to change it!

 

Ron, go to AA and WORK YOUR PROGRAM.  If you can't, leave your wife and set her free from your addiction.  She and your daughter will thank you for it later.

 

Ron's wife, GET FREE.  YOU are in an ABUSIVE relationship.  I was and I will NEVER regret getting free from my ex and his drinking.  He still won't recognize that it was his alcoholism which ended our marriage.  You are in an adulterous relationship: your husband's first love is his beer.  Decide not to share yourself and your child with this!  YOU deserve a better life and so does your daughter!  I'm on my own now, raising four kids and no support from him.  That's OK because I'm happy and so are they!  I worked for years to make our ends meet and when my kids were not getting what they needed, he always had a drink or a smoke when he wanted it!  Both he and YOUR husband are SELFISH!  Let him go and take good care of YOU and your daughter!

 

Paige:  OMG!!!! girl, you deserve to take control of your life!  This guy is only saying 'I love you..' to **** you!  He doesn't care about YOU, he cares only about getting a piece of a**!  Trust me, I have been where you are.  I was stuck in a rut with a married guy who abused me and used me for his jollies for almost 10 yrs!  I wouldn't wish that kind of painful existence on anyone!  YOU are so much better than that!  Take control and make a change.  You will be thankful for it in the end.  I am!  It's about time to decide to love yourself enough to dump that jerk and pursue your own dreams and desires.

 

All my love and prayers are with everyone on today's show.  I was stuck in the same kinds of ruts over the years and learned so much from them.  If you are searching for some solutions to your personal pit, READ LIFE STRATEGIES  it's a great book!

 

BTW:  The definition of a RUT is a GRAVE with the ends knocked out.  Get out of yours and LIVE!

 

Much love,

R

hmmmm...I'm wondering why you've already CONDEMNED Ron as a failure? It seems unfair especially given that he's there committed to changing his life.
Dang--we are such a self righteous society anymore.

 
October 30, 2008, 7:09 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: justnancy

I like these kinds of shows because we get to see Dr. Phil doing what he does best.  I personally think that Dr. Phil would be kind and gentle to everyone and just put his arms around them right away if he thought that would be the best way to help people but he knows that is not what's effective. (Maybe he'd even secretly or not-so-secretly prefer it if the hug therapy was the best way to help people, but it's just not.  He knows he's gotta wake people up and you can't wake them up if you're simultaneously lulling them to sleep by making them feel better.)

I kinda look at the ability to 'therapize' as a gift, like being blessed with an excellent singing voice.  Education and training help, but in the end, the ability is there or it's not, and, in Dr. Phil's case it's WAY there.  What an amazing ability he has! It's refreshing to watch him work.

Also, I think he's seriously driven by compassion and a desire to improve the world around him, one person at a time.
I agree 100%! There are too many, what I call, "back-patters and brownie bakers" in this world. I agree that the way to change our issues are to confront them head on, not wrap the truth up in pretty little words to make our bad choices "FEEL" better.
I LOVE his methods--they are life changing, which is the purpose. And he's a genuine person, you know it comes from his heart not an intent to be self righteous, judgmental, or harmful. It's to cause a change for the better.
 
October 30, 2008, 7:20 pm CDT

Dating the Married Man

I'm so glad I watched this.  I do not date a married man but I have the emotions for the looser.  After being abused by my "looser" who is also an "alcoholic" I tried to get over him.  The entire 3 years went from bad to worse.  He did nasty things to me (to numerous to mention) and I was always there for him.  I've read all the book from Dr. Phil but just can't jump over the fence to the finish line.

 

Mind you, I can help my girlfriends with their "looser" but I don't take my own advice.  I guess they are more important than myself.  I know that isn't true but maybe it is, why do I let the "looser" do the things to me that I do.

 

Anyway, after seeing how sad Paige was/is (I think that was her name) I took a better look at myself.  I do a lot of the same things she does.  It made me want to get ILL.

 

I am on the road to recovery from this "looser" and I thank Page for that.  I do not want to have the same emotions that she does anymore.  I don't want to act like that ever again.  Not over a "looser" anyway.  Maybe acting isn't the correct word, maybe I should use...  thoughts.

 

Great show and I'll try and watch the rest.  Maybe I'll learn how to choose better men and RUN when I know I should.  I do know that I should have run a long time ago from my "looser."

 

 
October 30, 2008, 7:44 pm CDT

10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Quote From: kimberwolf

HI MY NAME IS KIM. FIRST I WATCHED TODAY'S SHOW THEN READ ALL THE POSTED MESSAGES. i FEEL THAT MY HEART AND MIND ARE ON OVERLOAD. I AM REELING WITH EMOTION. FIRST I REACTED TO THE SHOW WITH TEARS. THEN ASSOCIATION. AND NOW UNCERTAINTY. I AS MANY, WAS SEXUALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD. I WAS ABUSED BY MY ADOPTED FATHER. IT ENDED WITH BEING PUT IN FOSTER CARE. THEN PHYSICAL EXAMS, LIE DETECTOR TESTS, AND COURT. FOUND GUILTY, HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE. AND NEVER ADMITTING TO THE "DEED". LEAVING NO CLOSURE FOR ME. NOW SOME 30 YEARS LATER, I FIND THE SAME HAUNTING QUESTIONS. DO I BLAME SOME OF MY FAILURES ON MY TRAGEDY? AS IF I'VE BEEN DOING A SURVEY FOR 30 YEARS. I HAVE COME TO SEE AND NOTICE REOCCURRING PATTERNS. FAILURES, NO FOLLOW THROUGH, NO VICTORIES. SYMPTOMS OF A LONG LIFE OF ABUSE?

   THINKING OF THE ONE THING THAT HITS HOME THE MOST FOR ME IS THAT I DO NOT MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS. FRIENDS, FAMILY OR ANY TYPE OF LOVE. I BELIEVE THAT THE TRAUMA AFFECTED MY ABILITY TO HAVE COMPASSION. SOME CALL ME A "COLD FISH". OR "FRIENDLESS". i HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IT'S TO MUCH WORK TO BE MY FRIEND. THAT I EXPECT TO MUCH. I BELIEVE THAT THE TRUTH CAN HURT THE MOST. ALL THOUGH I HAVE OPENED UP MORE OVER THE YEARS, I AM STILL VERY WITHDRAWN. EXPERIENCES THAT HAPPEN TO YOU IN A TRAUMATIC OR TRAGIC WAY DO ALTER YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE. I FEEL THAT I WILL SUFFER WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

    I DEEPLY EMPATHIZE WITH THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PUT THROUGH THESE TYPE OF EXPERIENCES. THE REALIZATION OF THAT THERE ARE SO MANY OF YOU OUT THERE, WHEN I CRY, I CRY FOR YOU TOO.

the truth as I see it from your post is that these people who tell you these things are wrong. You may be a bit stand-offish and guarded---all who have experienced pain and offense in this way are untrusting and have a wall until the issues are resolved----but cold fish--I don't see it in just this small post. You have deep compassion for others. The proof is in your tears, and that your mood admits you were "touched" by the pain portrayed on the show and here on the board, and the fact that you have the ability to "deeply empathize, and are "reeling from emotion." All of this is proof that you are not cold--just deeply hurt and guarded.
It may be work to be your friend, but it is because of the wall you've probably built, the untrust, the fear, and the offended spirit that you live with in your heart. The good news is that you can be freed from this offended spirit. If you want to learn more about this "offended spirit" there's a book--it has a pretty bold title--but you'll understand once you read it. It's called "The Bait of Satan." I highly recommend it for you. Perfect love drives out fear--I hope you seek and discover this perfect love. ((((((hugs))))))
 
October 30, 2008, 8:43 pm CDT

get real retreat

Quote From: cheryle65

Hi my name is Cheryle. Just writing briefly what I have been going through and hoping there is somebody else out there that has been through the same thing or still in a situation like me. hopefully i can get some help. I have been in a relationship for 7 years. I have 3 children 18, 21 and 24. They all have moved out of home due to all the things my partner had done to them. My kids are from a previous marriage. My partner used to do anything to make them feel intimadated, uncomfortable and scared.Now its down to 2 of my kids wont even come to visit anymore coz they dont want to go through that anymore. I also have 2 grandchildren which I was very close to and my partner used to scare the hell out of them. So my daughter doesnt bring them here anymore. If i want to see my kids , I go to see them. HE USED TO GO TO WORK AND TELL EVERYBODY BAD THINGS ABOUT ME AND MAKE ME OUT TO BE A BAD PERSON. Everybody ended up hating me coz of all his lies. This went on for years. But I have since spoken to those people and they have realized that it was all lies and said he is just a big liar and a conman. He has had an affair before, he also lies to me all the time

Whenever i ring my kids or they ring me , he makes smart comments and always puts us down. And when my son comes to see me, its like my partner hates me and doesnt want anything to do with me.He doesnt help me much around the house. I have told him that he expects too much from me and that im not his maid. But having done all this, he says he loves me.Look, I could go on and on. I could write a book. So many bad things have happened in my relationship. I am so confused and dont know what to do anymore. My health is going downhill due to all this.Hope there is somebody out there that can help.

Hi Cheryle,

My name is Violet and I have a mother who is married to a man similar to yours.  She has been with him for about 35 yrs.  For as long as I could remember he has always been abusive to her and to his 3 kids and to my half brother (not his) and when I was nine I went to live with my mother (my grandmother raised me when I was born) her husband did sick things to me at 11yrs old.  It's a long story, but there is a point to all this.  I consider my mother to be a weak person because of circustances.  She had been sexually abused as a teen by her stepfather and gang raped (I was conceived) 2 different situations.  She never dealt with her issues, she buried them like alot of people do because they don't know how to deal or have the support to give them the strength, wether it be from God or people.  So , she became an alcoholic and co-dependent on my stepfather, which I always felt he used what my mom went through for his own benefit, making her feel loved and needed and he can't live without her and bought her, so she wouldn't leave him or his kids.  So, when he preyed on me, she couldn't help me because she didn't know how and she believed him and stayed with him.  I don't know your past and why you choose to stay with your partner, only you know.  Writing your story and asking for help is your first step.  My mother never did that and probably never will.  You do have that chance to change things for yourself with your strength deep down, find it and put yourself around people who can make you stronger and help you deal with your issues.  Find support groups (meetup.com) has every group you can think of.  Church or support from your religion if your religious.  It won't be easy, change is scary and unknown and you will want to give up because it's the easy thing to do.  The change has to start with you, you learn to love yourself, start with that little bit of strength you have deep down and tell yourself that your worth it and deserve the "best", know matter what anyone else says, ok!  I went through alot in my life too, but I had God , some family support and a little bit of therapy that gave me strength through mistakes I made and sometimes still make.  Life is about learning and remember everyday when you wake up that is another chance you have to start over and let go of some of that weight on your shoulders.  "Baby steps"...sorry if I sound like I'm preaching, just talking from my experience as I struggle to stay positive every day, I'm learning to love me, find my happiness and thank God for the strength that I have and my grandmother (my guardian angel)...God Bless you and your family!

 
October 30, 2008, 9:18 pm CDT

You CAN recover from this!

Quote From: mstmbond

I'm so glad I watched this.  I do not date a married man but I have the emotions for the looser.  After being abused by my "looser" who is also an "alcoholic" I tried to get over him.  The entire 3 years went from bad to worse.  He did nasty things to me (to numerous to mention) and I was always there for him.  I've read all the book from Dr. Phil but just can't jump over the fence to the finish line.

 

Mind you, I can help my girlfriends with their "looser" but I don't take my own advice.  I guess they are more important than myself.  I know that isn't true but maybe it is, why do I let the "looser" do the things to me that I do.

 

Anyway, after seeing how sad Paige was/is (I think that was her name) I took a better look at myself.  I do a lot of the same things she does.  It made me want to get ILL.

 

I am on the road to recovery from this "looser" and I thank Page for that.  I do not want to have the same emotions that she does anymore.  I don't want to act like that ever again.  Not over a "looser" anyway.  Maybe acting isn't the correct word, maybe I should use...  thoughts.

 

Great show and I'll try and watch the rest.  Maybe I'll learn how to choose better men and RUN when I know I should.  I do know that I should have run a long time ago from my "looser."

 

Read this book:  Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why by Susan Forward and Joan Torres

 

This book talks about why we choose the types of men and how to gain understanding of these choices in order to make better ones in our future relationships.  I didn't like having to reach the part where I discovered that MY problem was "co-dependency" and the way to help myself was to live a life a recovery.  Even divorced and living seperately from my ex, I was still thinking of ways I could "handle" something for him.  He's on his own and HIS recovery is his responsibility.  My recovery is MINE.

 

You can have a better future and learn to take care of yourself, and put yourself first in a relationship.

Go to the message boards for marriage and relationship and find our boards on Abuse.  There are many posting there in similar situations.  As well, there are many who have found freedom and moved on in their lives to have productive, healthy relationships.  This gives us all hope.  Join us to post, get support and gain valuable information.  There is a regular book list posted there as well of good resources.  It's often posted "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER"!  Gaining a full understanding of abuse and what it is and how you can cope or free yourself from it is life changing!  It helped me after I seperated from my ex and during the divorce process to read as much as I could about abusive relationships and recovery.

 

I am thankful today that I made the leap of faith to trust only in my God and myself and take control back for my life situation!  You can too!

 

Much love,

R

 
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