Topic : 10/30 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat

Doctor Get Phil's Real Retreat/Robin. Doctor Phil I want you get retreat yourself aswell See you on Thursd-

ay 30th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi my name is Cheryle. Just writing briefly what I have been going through and hoping there is somebody else out there that has been through the same thing or still in a situation like me. hopefully i can get some help. I have been in a relationship for 7 years. I have 3 children 18, 21 and 24. They all have moved out of home due to all the things my partner had done to them. My kids are from a previous marriage. My partner used to do anything to make them feel intimadated, uncomfortable and scared.Now its down to 2 of my kids wont even come to visit anymore coz they dont want to go through that anymore. I also have 2 grandchildren which I was very close to and my partner used to scare the hell out of them. So my daughter doesnt bring them here anymore. If i want to see my kids , I go to see them. HE USED TO GO TO WORK AND TELL EVERYBODY BAD THINGS ABOUT ME AND MAKE ME OUT TO BE A BAD PERSON. Everybody ended up hating me coz of all his lies. This went on for years. But I have since spoken to those people and they have realized that it was all lies and said he is just a big liar and a conman. He has had an affair before, he also lies to me all the time

Whenever i ring my kids or they ring me , he makes smart comments and always puts us down. And when my son comes to see me, its like my partner hates me and doesnt want anything to do with me.He doesnt help me much around the house. I have told him that he expects too much from me and that im not his maid. But having done all this, he says he loves me.Look, I could go on and on. I could write a book. So many bad things have happened in my relationship. I am so confused and dont know what to do anymore. My health is going downhill due to all this.Hope there is somebody out there that can help.

Hi, Cheryle, this is David.

First of all, I really would like to ask what jobs both you and your love partner have.  I ask you this because I am hoping that you have a really good job that will help support yourself, and are not financially dependant on him.  To stay with him for another nanosecond would be a bad idea; you say that he intimidated your kids and make them feel uncomfortable and scared.  As a result, you are estranged from two of them.  Did they beg you to leave him?  Because that should’ve told you to get out then.  He says he loves you as if he thinks it’s enough.  “Love is blind” did not get to be a cliché for nothing, honey.

Now is the time to look him in the eye, tell him you’ve had enough of all the grief and heartache then, depending on whose house it really is, either kick him to the curb or pack all your things and move to another place.  Once that is done, you need to either call the two children who don’t come around, or write to them.  Tell them what you did with your partner.  Next, tell them in a heartfelt manner that you are sorry for exposing them to his abuse, and that you would do anything to make it up to them.  Try inviting them over.  If you stay in the house, and they say that, although your partner is gone, the house itself is still haunted with memories of him, you just might have to consider moving.  You just may have to put the house up for sale  and move to where they are.  This will help you get closer to them again, and develop a true relationship with your grandchildren.

Good luck.

Hi Cheryle.

I guess you're expecting (or maybe you're not) for someone to reply with the question ..."Why are you still with this guy?"

The most important person in the world is you ...you come first.  If someone in your world is making life unpleasant then you need to do something to correct that.  I suppose you could try to correct his behaviour, but we all know it's pretty darned impossible to change somebody.  So that leaves removing him from your life.  What's keeping you with him?  If he's as terrible a person as you say, why do you want him around. 

Can you move on and start fresh with your children and grandkids?  Are you able to tell him to take a hike?  You say a lot about all the bad things he's done, do you do bad things too?  Do you sabotage the relationship somehow? 

Without knowing much about your history with this man it seems from a stranger's perspective that you two just aren't a good match. 

You sound like you want to make a decision between him and your family ...the choice seems obvious to me.  I think you should stand up for your family and move on..

This one single life we are given is far too short to be in a miserable relationship, and you do sound miserable. 

I want for you to be strong and to be happy.  Is that what you want?  Or are you on some level comfortable with being miserable and having lots to complain about.  It seems sometimes that it's easiest to just complain about what's wrong rather than making the efforts that are required to effect real change in our life to make things better. 

I'm going to repeat myself ..I want for you to be strong.

I hope in some small way this helps, even though I know you're stuck in a horrible pattern of familiarity and comfort.  It's going to be very difficult to change your life to make it the way you want it, so that you're happy every day instead of miserable.  It's hard work to be happy ...and sometimes just way too easy to be sad.  Are you willing to work at this and spend time and energy in making your world better for you?  I hope you are. 

Hi Dr. Phil,

I haven't written cause I have been working, but if this letter helps one person, then I have done some good in this world.

My fiance was an alcoholic, big time. He was already an alcoholic when I met him. He drank 2 cases of beer a day. And he had been drinking for a long time. But hey, 90% of this world drinks or is recovering.  So John and I started dating, after a while we became engaged, and moved in with each other. We lived together for a few months and he really went on a big bender on the 4th of July. He hit me and acted like a fool and I kicked him out. He kept trying to come back but I said that I had had it. He was going to  have to find his own place to live. I called his sister and she wouldn't take him in ... I knew there was a problem if his sister wouldn't even have him.

Finally he went to mental health at Ohio State hospital when his friends kept telling him he had to  do something. I went to visit him and we decided to give it a try again. He had to stay with the game plan set down by OSU doctors and counselors. He lost his job and got another one. Really, it was better. He was an insurance broker and the job allowed him to work at his own pace. This was VERY good because the cirrosis had gotten him and he would have to make hospital visits from time to time. Anyway, it was like being with John again and not like being with a empty beer bottle. All the time I reminded myself that the disease had him, and that as long as I kept the disease in control, he would be alright.

About a year after the OSU hospital he began drinking again. He switched his drink. He was in denial. I could see the effects of the cirrosis, but he was in complete denial. I asked him  what the doctor was saying and he told me that the doctor was wrong. In January he had to go into the hospital to have water taken off his stomache ... you see, his liver wasn't working up to par. The water that was circulating throughout his body wasn't circulating any more. For 3 years he was in denial and when he came home from the hospital he began crying. He said that he had cirrosis and that he was going to die. Taking the water off of his stomache was saving him,  but he was allowing his electrolytes to go with the fluid and he went to the hospital looking like a 45 year old and this time he came home looking like a 90 year old. That was January of 2007, on September 26, 2007 he died. His liver was gone, his kidneys shut down, his respiratory system failed and he died. I made arrangements for a memorial service and threw his ashes in Indian Lake, just like he wanted. But now I am alone. Me and the cats.

I have pictures that I will try to attach so you can see how he went down hill. The moral to this story is don't give a life to alcohol, drugs or anything that is take over. Life is a wonderful thing to have and cherish it for as long as you can.

John sunning in August, he died September 2007; John and the cats when he could have gotten it under control about 2003; John and I at concert in September 2007.

I hope that maybe a little piece of my story can help someone.

Alcoholism has been a big part of my life since i can remember. I cannot remember a lot of my childhood because i am told that i blocked a lot of it out. My mom and dad divorced when i was smaller and when i was baout 10 my dad recieved custody of me and my mom had my older brother. My dad was an alcoholic and had been for sometime. My dad and I had a really good relationship we were clse when he wasnt drinking but the drinking was horrible. He would have drinking beinges of about 2 weeks and i would play the role of the parent most of the time. Sometimes he would leave and i would just sit up and worry about where my dad was and if he was ok. I remember one day walking into our house and seeing a gallod=n of vodka and abour 3 cases of beer. I remember being so scared. My dad was passed out in his bed so i just sat and waited until he woke up. I played softball it was a sport he loved and he taught me how to play it and i was really good at it so it was something he was always there for. He coached me almost every year and made every game. Those were the days he did not drink, all my teamates and friends loved my dad and wished he was their dad but all of them did not know what happened at home. He finally lost a really good job he had and then he eventually went through a few jos. We ended up losing our house ,after living there for 3 weeks with no electricity, and moving in with my grandmother. Dad got another job and had it for a little while finally he decided he was going ot get help and quit drinking. he was sober for about 4 months and it was great he wasfinally being the dad i knew he could be all the time. until one weekend he did not come home. I was worried and i had an eye infectionso my grandmother had to take me to the doctor that tuesday morning and i missed school. Dad came home that tueday and i didnt act like anything was wrong. The next morning I was gettin ready for school and my dad asked me if i would stay home with him so he could make sure my eye was taking care of. I told him i needed to go to school. The bus was coming down the road so i told him i loved him. I went to give him a hug and he was stand-offish which was really weird but i told him i loved him and he said he would be there when i got out of school. I went to school and everyhting was ok. Then at one point i remember feeling weird, then i got called to the counselors office where i was told to sit down by my softball coach. She told me why dad was gone and i cant even explain the feeling that came over me. Later that day i found out wat happened to my dad. On november 5, 2003 my dadcommitted suicide. It Has changed my life and i deal with it everyday. If you are or know anyone that is struggling with alcoholism get help. But also know that if a person does not want help then it is a waste of time. you cannot make anyone want to help themselves.