Quote From: chicagogal123This makes me so angry that everyone is so against Rafael and that he is being made to feel that his punishments are "too extreme." Rafael - YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!
I was EXACTLY like Rafael and Trisha's 13-year-old daughter, and my father was exactly like Rafael. Her story mirrors mine almost exactly. I can't even count how many times I was sent to bed without dinner. How many times I was called stupid, fat, etc. How many times I had to go out in our front yard in the summer to pick every dandelion out, and then get pulled around the yard by my hair to every dandelion I missed. How many times I was grounded for A-'s (in honors classes)! I even got a B+ in gym one time and was grounded for a month. I have been hit, slapped, have had things thrown at me by my father, etc.
He also always said of my mother, that she "let us kids walk all over her."
And hearing their daughter's words and thoughts brings back all of the feelings I remember having at the time as well. I hated myself, I hated my father, I wished I was dead, etc. I also was the oldest of 3 (I have 2 younger brothers), and he always seemed to be hardest on me.
However, looking back now that I am 30, my father did absolutely everything right. In the end, he raised a very straight, honorable, honest, and intelligent daughter. That is what it is all about. After witnessing how I (and my brothers) have turned out, I I have learned that parenting through fear WORKS. I graduated with straight A's from high school, and with straight A's magna cum laude from a very prestigious university. I was always on honor roll, and was well-rounded, very involved with sports and music. I have NEVER even tried drugs, smoking, or alcohol. I never slept around or even had pre-marital sex. Now I have a great job and own a house with my loving husband.
Rafael - keep it up. Even though your daughter may not realize it now, you are doing the best thing for her. I wish I could take back the feelings of hatred I had for my father when I was Rafael's daughter's age. I just wasn't old enough to realize at the time that he was doing the absolute right thing to raise a great daughter. If your child is terrified of you, you are probably raising a great kid. Unless you want your kid getting terrible grades, drinking, smoking, on drugs, and sleeping around, discipline and fear are key. I only wish all parents understood what Rafael and my father did.
Thank-you for your honest post. A lot of us forget what it was to be a self-centered child. Once a person becomes a parent, they realize what an important role a parent plays in the life of a child.
Your father cared a lot about your success in the world. After dealing with an impossible parent, the child usually becomes stronger and more immune to people out in the world that have abrasive personalities. I believe children with impossible parents grow up with a keen ability to deal with difficult people. It is better to have a parent who is invested in you and your success, than one who is emotionally absent. How many parents are just setting their children in front of a television to teach them morals, and how many parents are just letting their child walk past them on their way to their rooms after school without any concern for how the child’s day went.
It is amazing that nobody in the audience that day had a problem with the fact that the daughter would not give her dad a hug! All he asked for when she arrived home was a hug from his child and she said no. It appears that she is the one who actually defines their relationship.
I don’t think that woman who described proper discipline knows what she is talking about. Given the appearance of that child, I would say missing supper is a very appropriate punishment. I don’t think gathering stones in the yard will hurt her too badly as she looks as if she needs some exercise as well. Taking away radio and computer is as silly as punishment, because poor children might not have those in the first place so it basically says that children who have video games and computers have them because they are better behaved.
I believe that the dad cares about the daughter. He wants her to learn to get a long with people and although I do not recall them saying that he called her fat, I imagine that he also worries how other people will treat her in life if she is overweight.
So what should we do? Give even more control to ungrateful child? Maybe a night in a foster home might bring her back to reality and make her realize what abuse really is.
(Original Air Date: 10/31/08) Grounding for two months, withholding dinner, making a child stand at attention for hours or collect rocks in the hot sun … is this basic discipline, or is it too extreme? Trisha fears her husband, Rafael, is destroying their 13-year-old daughter with punishments that are too severe. Rafael says his wife forces him to be “the hammer” because she’s too lenient. Their opposing views on child discipline are putting a strain on their marriage, but what is it doing to their daughter? Hear her heartbreaking diary entries. Plus, what happened in this household that’s been swept under the carpet for far too long? Dr. Phil has a heart-to-heart chat with the teen. Have you ever wondered if your discipline tactics will have a lifelong effect on your child? Are you inadvertently crossing the line into abuse? Grade your own parenting skills with today’s show. Plus, learn discipline guidelines that will keep your children healthy and thriving. Talk about the show here.
