Message Boards

Topic : 12/30 Extreme Discipline?

Number of Replies: 237
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, October 24, 2008, 02:58:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/31/08) Grounding for two months, withholding dinner, making a child stand at attention for hours or collect rocks in the hot sun … is this basic discipline, or is it too extreme? Trisha fears her husband, Rafael, is destroying their 13-year-old daughter with punishments that are too severe. Rafael says his wife forces him to be “the hammer” because she’s too lenient. Their opposing views on child discipline are putting a strain on their marriage, but what is it doing to their daughter? Hear her heartbreaking diary entries. Plus, what happened in this household that’s been swept under the carpet for far too long? Dr. Phil has a heart-to-heart chat with the teen. Have you ever wondered if your discipline tactics will have a lifelong effect on your child? Are you inadvertently crossing the line into abuse? Grade your own parenting skills with today’s show. Plus, learn discipline guidelines that will keep your children healthy and thriving. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 31, 2008, 3:05 am CDT

Father's extreme parenting is a side issue

I think this child's life took on a different meaning following the sexual assault. Basically as has been stated at the end of the show by the child care specialist, this is a legal issue and the parents should have gone to the police. The matter should have been dealt with immediately. Most people tend not to do so for risk of offending other family members, etc. but hopefully times have changed and it should be made clear that incest is absolutely wrong. The father's excessive discipline or should I say bullying has confirmed this child's low self-image and feelings of somehow being at fault for past events. He has exacerbated the situation to the point that this girl would prefer to run away or hang herself (as per the diary entries). Suicide has been discussed in an earlier Dr Phil programme, this cannot be taken lightly, she must be watched at all times, even after counselling. The parents must be forever on their guard  to protect her (as well as the other children). I think the whole family needs counselling, the wife is in denial. I suspect she's a victim too. The father rather flippantly said his daughter was "depressed and a little overweight" - what amazing insight !

They did untold damage to that child by not acknowledging the harm that was done to her from the age of 8 till 10/11. They chose to brush it under the carpet. Yet she was the one who was suffering. Now at 13, (unlike her peers possibly) this girl cannot understand and hasn't got the tools to deal with her father's 'particular' form of discipline and feels at the receiving end of it throughout. No doubt things will improve for her from now on.

Another point which I found bizarre was that this man claimed to have been sent to an English boarding school and that's how he learned discipline. (I actually thought he'd been in the Marines or in the Foreign Legion or something) I find that absurd. He's only 40 yrs old. This sort of bizarre discipline was perhaps common up to the 1950's or so but not anymore. I don't believe any of those boarders would ever think of applying these methods to their own children. If you read books on experiences in boarding schools eg.  Roald Dahl's 'Boy' much of the discipline was meted out by older boys called 'Prefects'. It's not the same relationship as an adult to a child, it's not the same dynamics. It's a lame excuse for a father. This man according to his wife towards the end of the show  grew up with no role model so how on earth can he pretend to know anything about parenting and what gives him the right to affirm that his way is the right way, it defies logic.
 
October 31, 2008, 6:46 am CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

Raphael looked so pathetic when Dr. Phil was talking to his daughter.  Only when it is brought up in his face of the ABUSE he is doing to that girl.  Did he really have tears in his eyes or was he rubbing them to try create them.  He is no man to do this...I wonder is his wife being abused????
 
October 31, 2008, 7:35 am CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

Quote From: dancingfeather

I can imagine that his father was the *hammer* with him because his mom was too lenient? It is ridiculous to be a *hammer* on a child. You don't *hammer* discipline. A child has to be taught not *hammered*.

 

How can one have a desire for a child then try to *hammer* life into them? One never learns anything this way and more than not can turn the child into a drug abuser, street walker etc. and yes..suicide.

 

You want your child to learn, think of how you would have wanted your parents to teach you, help you when you did things wrong because when we are children in learning process we do not realize the full extent of what we do wrong. I realize many things I did when I was a child and teenager..that I fully didn't know what I was doing was wrong.

 

Spanking, hitting, depriving food, etc doesn't help. There is a right way to do things and a wrong way..the problem is that we get manuals how to take care of anything we buy but we never got one to be a parent. We are just thrown into life and parenting not knowing what we are doing and thinking what we are doing is right..yet it isn't because we do not fully understand how to be a parent because we were not *taught*  to be one.

 

I truly believe that there should not only be prepartions to be married but also what it is to be a parent. Then maybe people would think about it before having children and be prepared. We all just get married, have kids and not knowing more than we did when we were kids knowing right from wrong.

 

If we did then no parent would have trouble with their kids and no kid would get into trouble or have to be *hammered*.

 

 

yes i understand what u are saying, but if we all wait till we understood what it means to have a child  there would be no new children b/c i don't think there is a book out there that tells bout real life.YOU HAVE TO LIVE IT YOUR WAY!!!!!!

 i'm a father of three children & 1 of which iwas kept from for 9 years & 1 is my step-daughter .i wasn't shown all the right ways to live or how to be a loving person as a child myself.i admit that with my first child (early in life)it was the reason that my x &i split up b/c i did't know how to be a father .

 i'm now 36 ,have my own bussiness & love being a father,however when my 13 year old daughter does things such as lie & manipulate situations to her advantage is a disrespect to me & my wife(her mom).we both work very hard to provide for our kids & when things like this happen i become the quoted hammer .I DONT MIND AT ALL being the disipline one b/c my wife & alot of wives are very soft hearted.nothing wrong with that but a soft heart never raises a kid with strong values .

one must make an impression on a kid to get through to them & i think that later in life these kids will respect there parents & not talk back or disrepect them . to many kids are being raised with this liberal attitude that kids need to be taken alittle lighter .i think if more parents weren't so easy on there kids there wouldn't be as many running around this country without any respect for anything or anybody. have you all not been out in public to see these kids walking all over there parents verbally and in more ways. iwillnot have it , my kids will have a overall respect & dignity about them in public places or they cajn stay at home till they learn how to be respectfull to us (as parents ) & in general to others .

my daughter is very smart & respectful to others but she still does your tipical teen things to get in  trouble & people say i, to hard on her .GUESS WHAT,THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE UNTILL SHE IS 18. at that point she is a adult & responsible for her own actions ,but until then she will obey & respect me & her mom for what we go through every day to provide for all of us as a family.

look i wasn't giving much as a kid , ileft home when i was 15 to go to work and finish school ,so i could get on with my life . i got away from a bad life & started my own.yes i had alot  to learn & i'm still learning today but no one can tell me that what i'm doing is abuse like they did today with the gentelman on your show . has anyone thought that this kid could be making this out to worse than it really is.

 i know our daughter did something similar with our familys ,telling them that things were so bad b/c we never let her do anything & i was always on her case . well yes i am ,AND NO she doesn't do anything(goto mall without adults or football games or partys or dances ) not going to either. but i know alot of parents let there kids do the things but i know where they lead .sorry not gonna be that parent ,go ahead  & let your kids run your life i'm not.but my daughter will be @ home doing homework and studying . don't get it twisted  my kid goes on cruises & to disney & gets nice clothes , shoes , jewelry, xboxs, wii , telephones , ipods , and so on. but that is not enough for her not to go telling everybody that shes got it so bad . I'M TIRED OF HEARING THIS FROM SO MANY KIDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel bad for the man this morning & wish this issue to be addressed more often . i would love to get into this disscusion with dr. phil himself !!!!!!!!!!!!i would fill his ears with examples of things he wouldn't understand & maybe he would change the way he looks at this subject!

Thanks,

bad dad

 
October 31, 2008, 7:43 am CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

Just from what I've read it is obvious that this is abuse not discipline. The mother is complicit in the crime. The child needs rescuing. 
 
October 31, 2008, 7:44 am CDT

no no no

stop & look at what everyone is saying that they think this man is wrong.what about lying and manipulating .you know the 2 things that kids are best at .SHE IS A KID & NEEDS TO BE TREATED AS 1.just b/c she rights it in a diary doesn't mean it is the truth or the side of the story maybe we need to listen to .this man (i feel his pain) has been made out to be a monster(DR.PHIL no matter how YOU see it )& i think more men in this situation should stand up & say something. i'm tired of being made out to be the same . it is sad to think there are this many people out htere who let there kids walk on them or make them out to so bad just to get attention .reallity is that life SUCKS deal with it  dont make it worse by sugar coating it through there childhood & then when they become adults they cant deal with th real issuses in life.

thanks,

t-man

 
October 31, 2008, 7:46 am CDT

No protection

 

 

My father used a belt, a stick, slamming heads into walls and violent screaming for punishment on the first 4 of his 8 children. As adults (59, 58, 56, 53) we feel that our mother never protected us from our father's unreasonable tirades. Maybe she was afraid too, but he was nothing but kind and loving towards her until the day he died.

 

So I say to all you mothers out there, stand up for your children. When you see an injustice, whether from your spouse or another person, be there for your child, protect your child. And understand that kids know the difference between lip service to get them to do what the abusive parent wants and genuine concern for the child's physical and emotional well being.

 

Just as this father apparently parents his children the way he was raised, I raised 2 daughters the opposite of the way my father raised us and we now have 2 beautiful, successful daughters and 4 of the most precious grandchildren. Things can be different. There should be no excuse of "well this is how I was raised"!

 

 
October 31, 2008, 8:22 am CDT

extreme discipline

Dr Phil, I knew you wanted to shake this father during this show. 

 
October 31, 2008, 9:25 am CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

Quote From: vinylpro

stop & look at what everyone is saying that they think this man is wrong.what about lying and manipulating .you know the 2 things that kids are best at .SHE IS A KID & NEEDS TO BE TREATED AS 1.just b/c she rights it in a diary doesn't mean it is the truth or the side of the story maybe we need to listen to .this man (i feel his pain) has been made out to be a monster(DR.PHIL no matter how YOU see it )& i think more men in this situation should stand up & say something. i'm tired of being made out to be the same . it is sad to think there are this many people out htere who let there kids walk on them or make them out to so bad just to get attention .reallity is that life SUCKS deal with it  dont make it worse by sugar coating it through there childhood & then when they become adults they cant deal with th real issuses in life.

thanks,

t-man

See, this man on the show today (and, it sounds like you also fit into that mold) is a perfect example of why you don't physically or verbally or emotionally abuse your children and call it "discipline"!

 

The cycle repeats itself.

 

Doesn't mean you should allow your children to walk all over you, or be undisciplined brats.   Personally, I think that's also a form of abuse because you set them up for failure if you don't teach them how the world works. But, hey, parents....use CREATIVE parenting!

 

I raised three wonderful, successful children who are terrific parents...they grew up with rules and discipline, and I didn't have to smack them around or verbally or emotionally terrorize them in order to accomplish this.   

 

It takes TRUE intelligence to use creative parenting; anything else is plain bullying, used by lazy and uneducated parents, and never has a positive effect.

 

You saw the effect of that type of bullying and failure in today's show. 

 
October 31, 2008, 9:36 am CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

The clown on this show has made me very angry. he has no right to treat the daughter this way! My mom's last husband loved beating me and my younger siblings. I tried to get him removed from the home and tried to wake my mom up she would lie for him and say i was unruly and he always got away with what he did. when I was 16 I realized I would have to start defending myself. So he tried to hit me and he paid the price because I gave him a beatdown. Over the years until he forced my mom to throw me and my husband and infant daughter out I gave him more beatdowns then a few. He feared me and my husband. I hope karma gets him for what he done to me and the other kids in the house. This clown on the show deserves to be in prison for what he is doing the mom need a reality check. Because if the daughter ends up hurt or dead because of what the clown did the mom goes to prison along with him.
 
October 31, 2008, 9:40 am CDT

I can't believe it?

Why do we even have to ask if this is abuse or not?  Any attempt to break a "will" is not for a teaching purpose but rather for a controlling purpose.  Love is given, not demanded, nor man-handled or even begged for.    The father bemoans the fact that he is not getting a hug from his daughter and yet is quite pleased with his methods of getting one. His one comment and seemingly driven purpose is to get that hug and so it is more of a control issue for him than the actual hug.  Hugging starts in the heart and works it way out in a physical way.  So if the punishment is so extreme, what lies in his heart.  Running from the hug already reveals what is in the daughter's heart and it is not love, it is fear.   Ha - it is hard to hug a rattlesnake.  Nor should any child be forced to do so - no matter what the circumstances.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last