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Topic : 12/30 Extreme Discipline?

Number of Replies: 237
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Created on : Friday, October 24, 2008, 02:58:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/31/08) Grounding for two months, withholding dinner, making a child stand at attention for hours or collect rocks in the hot sun … is this basic discipline, or is it too extreme? Trisha fears her husband, Rafael, is destroying their 13-year-old daughter with punishments that are too severe. Rafael says his wife forces him to be “the hammer” because she’s too lenient. Their opposing views on child discipline are putting a strain on their marriage, but what is it doing to their daughter? Hear her heartbreaking diary entries. Plus, what happened in this household that’s been swept under the carpet for far too long? Dr. Phil has a heart-to-heart chat with the teen. Have you ever wondered if your discipline tactics will have a lifelong effect on your child? Are you inadvertently crossing the line into abuse? Grade your own parenting skills with today’s show. Plus, learn discipline guidelines that will keep your children healthy and thriving. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 31, 2008, 11:32 am CDT

child brutality

I, like one of the other writers, am in my late 60's; female. I was an only (lonely) child that always felt I had to have been adopted, as no parents would treat their child the way mine did me. Until I became a teen, my father and I were close; my mother and I, never. Once I became a teen, I would be beaten to unconsiousness by my father; grounded for months on end, with my only outlet being school and church. My father would drive me to church and pick me up after, neither of my parents went. I blame my mother for my fathers behavior toward me as I got older. Perhaps she was jealous he and I were friends early on. My mother left this life saying they only did what they thought was right. My father, on his death bed, berated and humiliated me in front of others. Obviously it is something I have never forgotten. I vowed early on not to be this kind of parent; only to marry a man who was just the way my parents were. He and I later divorced, and thankfully my four children are my best friends to this day.
 
October 31, 2008, 12:11 pm CDT

get rid of this guy

lady this guy you call his husband needs to go  Protect your children This is no excuse for him because he was raised in england. He his taken his life out on these children. Lady get rid of this man he can not be worth more than your children
 
October 31, 2008, 12:20 pm CDT

This little girl needs help!!

Rafael is seriously misguided and you would think that since he went through it himself as a child he should know how wrong it is and obviously it doesn't serve any purpose if it made him the way he is today.  He needs to realize that you earn respect, you do not demand it!!  This little girl is going through one of the hardest times in her life dealing with puberty, peer pressure, body image, etc. she does not need extra turmoil from her own father!!  His wife is in denial, this is totally and completely without a doubt child abuse.  I can't imagine watching my child go through this at the hands of her father no less, his butt would be out the door in a heartbeat!!!
 
October 31, 2008, 12:21 pm CDT

Discipline not Abuse

If more children (teenagers, especially), were disciplined as tough as this man disciplines his kids, there would be less  gangs, less teenage pregnancy, etc.

 

The kids today can cry "abuse" far too easily.  When I was a kid, my father used to use his belt on me when I deserved it and used to hug me when I deserved it.  Our relationship was wonderful and I raised my kid with punishment and love, she turned out great.

 

Kids don't like to be disciplined, and it does this father a disserviced for Dr. Phil to call it abuse.

 
October 31, 2008, 12:29 pm CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

Quote From: vinylpro

stop & look at what everyone is saying that they think this man is wrong.what about lying and manipulating .you know the 2 things that kids are best at .SHE IS A KID & NEEDS TO BE TREATED AS 1.just b/c she rights it in a diary doesn't mean it is the truth or the side of the story maybe we need to listen to .this man (i feel his pain) has been made out to be a monster(DR.PHIL no matter how YOU see it )& i think more men in this situation should stand up & say something. i'm tired of being made out to be the same . it is sad to think there are this many people out htere who let there kids walk on them or make them out to so bad just to get attention .reallity is that life SUCKS deal with it  dont make it worse by sugar coating it through there childhood & then when they become adults they cant deal with th real issuses in life.

thanks,

t-man

You are right in that your child does need to be treated as a child. That does not mean the child is your personal punching bag (either mentally or physically). If your child is lying and manipulating, why is she? What are you doing that makes her so afraid to tell you the truth? A young girl will write in her diary/journal what she cannot tell the rest of the world. Short of someone being truly pathological, why would she lie in a journal no one is meant to see?

I have three children (24,21,18). They are all decent respectful people. My husband did not have to beat them, call them names, make up outlandish punishments, to get their respect. We earned their respect, as they have earned ours. We have had no run ins with drugs, police, school or inappropriate sexual behavior. I have found over the years of observing many of the families we know, that those who were the so called "hammer" tend to have kids who acted out alot worse than a normal teenager. These kids seemed to feel no one really cared or trusted them, so they might as well do the bad things they were accused of.

I ask you to stop and think about why you feel such a need to be in control of another human being. You can have great kids, without discipline problems, if you set your rules and can be flexible as they grow. 

 

 
October 31, 2008, 12:34 pm CDT

COMPLEATLY AGREE

AS I SIT HERE  AND WATCH THIS. IM THINKING TO MY SELF DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MILITARY WHEN OUR MEN AND WOMEN GO TO BOOT CAMP? THE SAME THINGS HAPPEN FOR 13 WEEKS. NOW WITH THAT SAID... YOU CANT SPANK YOUR CHILD ANY MORE YOU YELL AT THEM  WITH OUT SOME TREE HUGER FLIPING OUT. TIME OUT DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERY CHILD. YOU PUT SOME KID IN TIME OUT THEY JUST GET AND TELL YOU TO F OFF. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT MOST OF YOUR KIDS THAT YOU JUST PUT IN TIME  OUT WILL END UP IN JAIL. YES I SAID IT KIDS ARE SOOO DIS RESPECTFUL NOW AND DAYS. I KNOW THAT IF I WAS OUT IN PUBLIC AND ASKED MY PARENTS FOR SOME THING AND THEY SAID NO IF I THREW A FIT LIKE THESE KIDS NOW AND DAYS I WOULD GET MY LITTLE ASS BEAT. NO QUESTIONS ASKED AND I THANK THEM EVERY DAY FOR IT. I SAID YES MA'AM AND NO MA'AM. MY SON WILL BE THE SAME WAY. WHAT HE IS DOING I THINK IS JUST FINE SHOULD YOU SPANK YOU KID WITH A BELT NO BUT KIDS NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE LINES ARE. I THINK THAT PARNETS ARE TO FAR TO LEANT WITH THERE CHILDERN ANY MORE. IF YOU ASK YOUR KID  QUESTION THEY NEED TO HAVE SOM RESPECT AND ANSWER IT. I THINK WE AS A COUNTRY NEED TO RE LOOK AT WHAT WE ARE DOING. BY NOT TELLING YOU CHILD NO AND TEACHING THEM IN THE HOUSE WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG YOU ARE CEARTING THE NEXT MASS MURDER AND THE NEXT RAPEST. YEA IM WILLING TO SAY ALL OF THIS I KNOW FIRST HAND AND HAVE SEEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT TEACH YOUR CHILD RESPECT
 
October 31, 2008, 12:36 pm CDT

what she really needs

is to stop whining

 

and

 

Dr. Phil needs to stop making excuses for the girl.

 

Disciplline never hurts...she could be 13 and pregnant.  Then its too late.

 
October 31, 2008, 12:39 pm CDT

physical affection

Not sure if Rafael will check the board, but he needs to realize that until his daughter gets some help, she will have a very hard time with any physical displays of affection. Not to mention how he treats her, which is definitely a problem, but even if he changes, she will still have difficulty stemming from the molestation. It will take time. Men will be seen as a threat until she is able to heal. She cannot help it and forcing himself on her will only make it more difficult.
 
October 31, 2008, 12:43 pm CDT

I was that girl

This show is like a step back into time for me.  I grew up fearing my father and wondering what I'd done to make him hate me so much.  His discipline was so cruel and he'd snap at every opportunity.  It wasn't until I was seven years old when I saw a friend's father hug her that I was even aware that some fathers actually LIKE their children!  I fantasized about running away and killing myself - anything to make the pain stop.  My mother was not my warrior in the situation; she too was told by my father that she was too soft but I believe she was in denial for a long time about how bad the situation it really was and how much I was hurting.

 

I was very depressed as a teenager with very low self-esteem.  I did not have that soft place to fall and never developed a relationship with my parents where I could go to them about the problems I encountered into adolescence.  My relationship with my father essentially ended when I graduated high school and moved away and I resented my mother for a very long time for not intervening and standing up for me. 

 

I am now 34 years old and while my relationship with my mother has grown, my father and I continue to have strained relations.  When I needed a father, he was not there.  He broke me.   As an adult woman I know he now regrets his actions but I no longer feel the need for the father in my life that I once craved.  He does not receive father's day cards from me and I don't anticipate that will ever change.  I do forgive him.  I truly do.  But he made me the independent woman I am today and because of that, I don't need him in my life and for that reason I don't seek him out. 

 

I was that girl.  And I understand this poor child's pain and confusion and I pray for her.

 
October 31, 2008, 12:49 pm CDT

10/31 Extreme Discipline?

I can't believe the mother doesn't think her husband isout of control
 
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