Quote From: shellymoeI think the bottom line is that opinions differ as to what's considered "extreme".
Grounded for two months: That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I would tend to believe that after the first few weeks, it all becomes routine and the child isn't even going to feel as if s/he is even being punished. However, if one of our kids did something extreme, I may enact a punishment while on Summer vacation such as no sleep-overs, no birthday parties, etc. In other words, nothing extra-curricular.
Picking up rocks in the heat: It gets into the 90's in our town and add in the high humidity we often have, yes it can feel extreme. However, if I needed to mow our lawn and it was littered with rocks, you can bet I would have our 12 and 10 year olds out there helping me.
Standing at attention for hours: Again, after a while, I think the point would be lost and it would become routine. I feel the same way about "time out". I almost ordered a time out chair for our 2 year old, but when I saw it came with a timer that goes up to AN HOUR, I declined. By the time a child reaches the age of needing to be in time out for an entire hour, their butt will be too big to fit in the seat!
Going to bed without dinner: I truly can't fathom sending any of our kids to bed hungry. When I spoke to our pediatrician about our 10 year old son's poor eating habits and his demands to eat something other than what's prepared almost every night, she told us to tell him to eat what we fix, or don't eat at all! I responded with "And what if he goes to school and tells his teacher he's hungry because we didn't let him eat dinner and they call CPS?" Her reply was, "Well they could tell by looking at him that he's NOT starving!" While I do agree since he's a little overweight, I was surprised by her response. Instead of telling him "all or nothing", we opted to slightly alter dinner items so that there was at least one thing he would eat. We also insisted that he at least try the others. Our situation with him leads us to believe that he has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, but since the pediatrician did not diagnose him with this at the common age of 4-6, she does not want to think it's an option. However, his OT at school disagrees. He has been treated for ADHD and on meds for it since he was 3 1/2 years old and I now wonder if we've traveled the wrong path for 7 years.
Lifelong affects of discipline: I think it depends on the person. Some grow up with the scars, while others still have the fresh wounds. I was often treated as "the red-headed step-child" that I was. My step-dad called me names like "biggin's" and "tubbo" and often spanked us with his hand or belt way too hard and for far too long. While I do get enraged at times, I never haul off and knock down any of our 4 kids like it was done to me and my siblings. I am definitely a victim of physical abuse as a child (just like my step-dad was), but our kids are not. The cycle does not necessarily repeat itself. I grew up hating him and vowing to never be like him. In that aspect, yeah my childhood sucked. But, it taught me to learn at a young age what I did NOT want in life as a grown up. My husband of almost 13 years has never laid a hand on me or verbally abused me. I knew what I wanted in a man and more importantly, what I did NOT want, and I got him. Unfortunately for many of my high school friends, they didn't know a bad man as kids, so they got 'em when they became adults. One friend had a boyfriend for over 10 years who constantly abused her mentally, verbally and physically. When her MS got so bad that she became wheel-chair bound, he would still run up and choke her and/or hit her. The only reason she's no longer with him now is because she hung up on 9-1-1 after he charged at her with a knife, flailing it in her face, and the police came. He got so mad at her after getting out of jail that he left her. If she had her way today, he would be back in the house teaching their 12 year old son even more ways to walk all over his mother (including calling her names).
I read your message last week and today. I fully agree with you. You're right to do as you feel with regards to your son, you know best. You're the mother and a good one too from what I see. I would be more than a little wary of your pediatrician's judgement, I think she's misguided like many so-called 'specialists'. I would take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt. I suggest you go for a second opinion. I had a pediatrician for my first son whom I found incompetent and I'm so glad to not have to rely on someone like that. I've never had a pediatrician since and I feel all the better for it. I believe that they worry you for nothing especially if you're a sensitive (& gullible) young mother. My 13 year old son is a fussy eater, although he too looks slightly overweight. You could always inform the teacher that your son is a fussy eater in order also to allay any fear of his complaints of being hungry at school. It's often best to tackle a situation like this head on and to be open about situations, up to you to determine what's the best way to go about it. Kudos to you for breaking the 'cycle' by 'choosing' the right man. By the way my husband has redhair and both my sons are redheads.
(Original Air Date: 10/31/08) Grounding for two months, withholding dinner, making a child stand at attention for hours or collect rocks in the hot sun … is this basic discipline, or is it too extreme? Trisha fears her husband, Rafael, is destroying their 13-year-old daughter with punishments that are too severe. Rafael says his wife forces him to be “the hammer” because she’s too lenient. Their opposing views on child discipline are putting a strain on their marriage, but what is it doing to their daughter? Hear her heartbreaking diary entries. Plus, what happened in this household that’s been swept under the carpet for far too long? Dr. Phil has a heart-to-heart chat with the teen. Have you ever wondered if your discipline tactics will have a lifelong effect on your child? Are you inadvertently crossing the line into abuse? Grade your own parenting skills with today’s show. Plus, learn discipline guidelines that will keep your children healthy and thriving. Talk about the show here.
