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Topic : 06/04 Grandmother vs. Mother Custody Battle

Number of Replies: 476
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Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:11:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/04/08) Type your discussion here.How do you determine if someone is fit to be a parent? Should someone who is dependent on others for monetary help have the right to raise a child? Should someone the courts rule unfit as a parent ever be allowed to regain custody? What should you do if your parenting skills are called into question by a family member? Dr. Phil's guests are feuding mother and daughter, Barbara and Nicole, who have been battling for six years over the custody of Nicole’s son, Ethan. Barbara says she needed to take full custody of her grandson because Nicole was and is still not fit to be his mother. Barbara says she provided all the essential items when Ethan was first born, and when he needed surgery, she offered to cover the child under her health insurance. Nicole says she signed what she believed to be a temporary custody agreement to provide for her child's well-being, but says she was tricked into signing her rights away as a mother. Did Barbara have ulterior motives? Hear what Nicole's lifelong friend thinks. Then, Barbara claims her daughter broke the law to get her son back. Barbara currently has custody of the boy and claims that Nicole is a pathological liar, an inattentive parent and was living in deplorable conditions. Find out what the court documents show and what Nicole's former landlord has to say. When Dr. Phil proposes a plan for moving forward, which woman hesitates to participate? And, Nicole hasn't seen her son in more than four months. Will Barbara agree to let mother and son spend time together? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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June 11, 2009, 1:13 pm CDT

let go of motherhood

That grandmother needs to let go of her fantasy of raising another child and let the mother take on her life as she is suppose to. We live in a circle of life and the grandmother just jumped right in the middle of it. Maybe its time to let her daughter be a family with her child and no interuption from grandma except to spoil her grandson, not to control her daughters life.
 
June 11, 2009, 7:58 pm CDT

Grandparents Rights Oregon

The daughter needs to get a great attorney.  She needs the attorney to motion the court for a modified child custody and visitation order.  The daughter needs to go and start spending EVERY DAY with her son.  She will have to show the court that she is willing to start making Ethan a priority and show the court that he belongs with his biological mother and soon to be sister/brother.  He needs a family with his mother.  The current custody order was signed under false pretenses.  That is an issue in its self.  Grandparents should never have the right to keep their grandchildren.  KIDS NEED THEIR PARENTS!!!!   That grandmother should be ashamed of herself, and Barbara should try and help her daughter NOT fight her.  Barbara has some real psycological problems and controlling issues.  Women who are single mothers like myself, should educate themselves about their options, and ALWAYS keep their guard up.  Ethan loves his mother, Nicole, and should be with him.  No court in oregon or in the United States, would ever keep the child's mother from their own child.  Especially if they are fit.  People who are married, loose their jobs, go bankrupt have difficult financial times, but can still be good parents.  This show was very enlightening, and I hope Nicole gets a great attorney.  She should also consider the legal aide department at the court to educate herself on the process.  Keep petitioning the court, appealing, and going and fighting for ETHAN!! HE will appreciate your diligience for trying to get him back into the right family home.  Grandparents need to know their place in their grandchildrens lives.  They should stop and think about the effects they causing on the children.  Plus, almost always they are older and getting too old to handle a grandchild--you can reverse the case and call them unfit all the same as they did to you when you started.  They will be eventually be forced to hand the child back over to the rightful mother in this situation. 
 
June 18, 2009, 6:24 am CDT

It happened to me

Seven years ago I grounded my 14 year old because I caught him drinking. He ran to my mothers house. She told him to stay there. She's tried to control the relationship since he was born to the point of offering to bring him up herself probably to replace the absence of my father who had left her. I tried to get him back even through social services but as he was 14 I couldn't force him.

Now he's 21. He's been on drugs, no job, no qualifications. She's ruined him and I can't forgive her for what she did. I still speak to her but I hate her so much it makes me sick. I haven't read all the posts but I sympathize with that mother.

Some grandmothers don't know their place and should never be allowed near their grandchildren!

There! I feel better already for sharing how I feel.
 
June 19, 2009, 10:47 am CDT

06/04 Grandmother vs. Mother Custody Battle

My heart ached for Nicole in a million ways. If either one of these two women were unfit to raise a child, it would be Barbara - what a loveless, compassionless, down-weighing woman she shows herself to be. She clearly shows that she has never had any interest in Nicole, only in Ethan. If she would have wanted the best for Ethan, she would have helped Nicole, not written Nicole off.

Nicole may have made some mistakes - for crying out loud she is a young woman. She was nineteen when she had Ethan, and clearly her mother has always pressured her to be something other than she was, it only seems natural that she wasn't able to flawlessly run a home at that age. First of all: a landlord is not an objective testimony. We didn't know anything about this landlady - for all we know she was an unkind and bitter person, who was out for payback after Nicole paid the rent too late on one occasion. That is nothing to go by when judging whether someone is a good parent or not. Even if Nicole lived in a messy apartment (and I am sure it was blown out of proportion) - can you blame her? She had been deprived of her son, her light, her heart. She was left alone while her son was taken away from her, and she was young - it doesn't shock me that she didn't take out the garbage once or twice, if Ethan wasn't there, and she was constantly being attacked by her mother. She could have been a little depressed, and obviously her mother made her feel like she was worthless anyway - there are people who do a hundred times worse than making a bit of a mess on such occasions. She has barely had a chance to prove that she can be a good mother in the first place!

I was actually quite heartbroken to hear Dr. Phil say "You don't look like you're fighting for your son" - Nicole is a young woman who has obviously been bullied by her mother her whole life, she doesn't have the financial resources to fight as hard as her parents. We all react differently to having our hearts broken, and obviously Nicole was used to being belittled by her mother and didn't know how else to react other than take it calmly.

She didn't read the custody papers because she trusted her parents. I would! There is nothing strange about that at all! I was surprised that Dr. Phil asked about why Nicole didn't read the papers, but never asked Barbara why she demanded full custody that first time. Obviously after that Barbara had a case to do with Ethan's schooling and Nicole's home - but nothing has been said about why Nicole was an unfit mother before that.

I just wanted to hug and protect Nicole from her heartless mother. If you can't love your daughter, you most certainly don't love your grandson. My brother used to be a drug addict and my parents found a way to love him and take care of him. People have continued to love their children through MUCH worse. Barbara disgusted me.
 
June 19, 2009, 10:58 am CDT

06/04 Grandmother vs. Mother Custody Battle

As for those who say that everyone who sides with Nicole is "controlled by their emotions" - I disagree with you on so many levels. First of all, what the situation was missing from every angle was LOVE, which is a vital emotion, and your dismissal of emotion as something valid and substantial when it involves a child is ridiculous. Compassion is vital.

Secondly, I'm glad to hear that you were perfect and had it all figured out between the age of 19 and 25. Many of us, however, don't. You are writing off a lot of people who are essentially good and well intentioned, but who just aren't as perfect as you apparently are. Children have grown up in clean and stable homes where they were beaten and abused - but of course the cleanliness of the house is much more important, you are right. It is outrage to give this young woman a chance.

Last but not least I'd like to say that accusing others of being controlled by emotions because they don't agree with your opinion is easy, cheap and way below the belt. That way of thinking is how chauvenist men would dismiss a woman's opinion on anything. It is not a valid objection. You can't write things off as emotional, you can only show where flaws in reason lie, and you should stick to THAT if you're so rational.

Furthermore I am stunned by your blind belief in a group of strangers. The court - sure, the court was objective and truthful, I will happily accept that. But to believe a landlady just because she fits into a picture you've already decided on, now that's subjective. We all meet people in our lives that don't like us, none of us are all saints, and who ever guarenteed you that this landlady is a good source to base a judgement on? What do you know about that lady?

Was Nicole naive? Perhaps. Has she been irresponsible? Yes. But your condescending attitude of writing everyone off who doesn't get it right the first time around, won't get you anywhere. Yes, it IS a great thing that she has had a job for a year. It may only come natural to your perfectly planned out self, but not everyone is like you. And you are not the only person fit to love and take care of a child.
 
June 29, 2009, 1:16 am CDT

IM IN THE SAME BOAT

Quote From: mtrider

i know how this mother feels!! this happen to me! i was called a lair etc! they did EVERYTHING to discredit me.  from the little i read i would say that Barbara has a controlling problem how can Nicloe fight that. the more she fights the worse it is for the child! and Barbara hold all the cards!! i am on the mother's side at this point til i see the show.
MY EXS MOTHER HAS TEMP CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER THAT IS 6 YEARS OLD AND THE FATHER THAT I WAS NOT MARRIED TO SIGNED A JOINER WITH HIS MOTHER BECAUSE HE HAS NO CHANCE IN COURT TO FIGHT ME ,AND ON TOP OF THAT HE IS IN JAIL ON NUMERUS CHARGES. I AM VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND FLED TO ANOTHER COUNTY TO HIDE AND I HEARD I WAS GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE AND CATCH A CONTEMPT  CHARGE FROM MY DAUGHTER NOT SEEING HER FATHER SO I MADE ARRANGMENTS FOR HER TO SEE HER DAD BUT THREW HIS MOTHER .THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE . WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS SAPPOSE TO BE RETURN TO ME I WAS SERVED WITH TEMP CUSTODY PAPERS FULL OF LIES AND FALSE ALLEGATIONS . SO I HAD TO WAIT TILL COURT AND BASED ON HER ALLEGATION A GAL WAS APPOINTED TO THE CASE TO INVESTAGATE , AND BASED ON ALL THAT MY DAUGHTER STAYS IN THE HOME INTILL TRIAL .ITS BEEN ABOUT  A YEAR AND I STILL DONT HAVE MY LITTLE GIRL BACK . I GO TO TRIAL THIS JULY . IM NERVOUS AND SCARD IM A 29 YEARS SINGLE FEMALE ON MY OWN TRYING TO MAKE IT FIGHTING A WISER WOMAN . I THINK ITS ALL WRONG AND I THINK BARBRA NEEDS TO GIVE THAT BABY BACK TO NICOLE . IF SHE WILLING TO BE A MOM AND TAKE OF HER CHILD THEN  GOD BLESS HER . THERE ARE MOMS IN THIS WORLD THAT DONT CARE ABOUT THERE CHILD AND WANT TO GIVE THERE BABY UP . BUT LIKE US MOTHERS THAT WANT TO RAISE OUR BABYS GRNDMOTHERS SHOULD STAY OUT OF IT UNLESS THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH DRUGS , ABUSE OR NEGLECT . IM ALL FOR NICOLE .
 
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