Topic : 11/06 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 2

Hi Melissa,

This message is for you. You are one brave woman getting that secret out into the open. What an experience to go through. I want to tell you that you did nothing wrong. Even today when child abuse is talked about I have never heard anyone give instructions on what to do if your parent is a serial killer. You had no idea what to do about it! When I think back to my childhood I know I would not have had any idea who to go to. I'm sure the adults in my life would have brushed me off as an over-imaginative child.

As to feeling that you are at fault, feeling dirty by association and by genetics I can only imagine how hard that would be. If I may I will tell you a little story about me feeling dirty by association. I worked part-time for a cleaning company for a short time. I was off on an off-duty injury when I read in the paper that my boss was on trial for pedophilia. I felt like the dirtiest person and I wasn't even related. I had no idea about this before it was put in the paper. What I am trying to say is that I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I was an adult when this happened to me and your experience is beyond my comprehension.

I wish you the very best and keep on working at this. You deserve to feel much better about yourself.

Sincerely

Dr Phil fan in Canada

 

 

I found myself to be completely glued to your show today. I don't even know why I am writing this. The people on today's show, and many more around the world have worse problems than I do. Yet I find myself shaking and being truly scared about how I feel.

 

I have never really felt like a member of any family. When I was a child up until I was a senior in high school, I had to live life with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive father. He never laid a hand on my sister or I, but the emotional aspect of life was rough enough. My father had a job that required him to travel a lot, so we didn't get to see him very often. When he did come home, he'd take a shower and head to the bar. He could leave the house at 11:30 in the morning and not return home until 10 or 11 at night. My first memory of him coming home in a drunken stupor, is him waking us all up and making us sit on the couch in the living room. It's so dark in our house, as there's no lights on, and all I can see, in this image, is the end of his burning cigarette. Glowing bright orange. I don't remember anything after that. But as the years went on, I remember him throwing things and breaking things and being verbally abusive. We had to make sure the house was clean before he came home because if it wasn't, then he'd come home, yell, curse, throw stuff, call my mom names, then get into his car and speed off. And of course after he drove off, I couldn't sleep because I didn't know if he'd be killed in a car accident. 

 

As I became a teenager, I tried real hard ignore what was going on even though it was getting much worse. My dad did end up getting into a car accident one evening, fortunately he didn't hit anyone. I don't know what I would have done if he did! The day after that, I was very upset and found myself starting to have a breakdown in my high school class. I had to rush out of the room, and my supposed best friend later came up to me and was telling me that I was pretending and that I was just crying to get attention. Kids can be cruel! I'm not sure how my mom handled all of this because she was always in her bedroom. I don't really even remember her being there all that often. She never spoke to us about anything. We had to "fend for ourselves" (my sister and I). 

 

At the age of 19 or 20, my dad sat my sister and I down, he was extremely drunk at the time, and told us we had a half sister. We had no clue. This was a total shocker!!! He also told us that he had been married to someone else before he married our mom. This was also new news! As he was telling us about her, he kept getting even more angry. Out of the blue, he gets up out of the chair and heads into the living room where my mom is sitting watching tv. He started yelling at her very loudly and calling her terrible names. Then he comes back into the kitchen, pics up our "new" sisters photo, and tells me that he had been miserable for the past 20 years and couldn't take it anymore! Well, I was almost or right at 20 yrs old.     ??????????

 

My dad has been sober now for 5 or so years, and I am very proud of him. But now as an adult, I still cannot forgive him. I rarely talk to my family. My parents live 4 minutes away and I maybe see/talk to them once every 3 months. My sister lives 20 minutes away and I see/talk to her even less than that. Like I said before, I have never felt like part of the family! Every time I do spend any amout of time with them, I go home and cry. I just feel horrible after seeing them!

 

Now, I am extremely overweight and find myself binging on food to the point where it feels like my stomach is going to rip open. Then in an hour, I'll eat more. I can't get enough food! I look in the mirror and HATE what's there. Yet I keep eating! I hate everything about me! I have very few friends, and the ones I have, I will eventually run them away. I don't even open up to my husband of 6 years. He begs for me to talk to him, but I can't. I tell myself in my mind to talk to him, but I just can't. I don't want to burden him! It's my stupid mind and I just need to get over it! He will leave...eventually. I am so mean to him! I don't want to be! I don't want to ignore him for days...as my mom used to do to my dad.

 

I've tried dealing with my depression in the past, seems to work for a while, then I go right back to where I was. Many people think that I am a happy person...I'm not! Not at all! I'm very sad, and very angry! I overmedicate myself with over-the-counter sleeping pills and have cut myself in the past. I can't believe I'm telling you all this! I drink occassionaly, but when I do, I drink a lot. I don't want to become like my father! I want to be happy! I want to feel worthwhile and like I matter in the world! I want to be content with what I have! I will not have kids as I don't want them to deal with this "legacy" and I'm VERYafraid that my anger will come out towards them! 

 

Sorry this is so long. It feels really good to get this out!

 

D

but I would rather not assume.  That is great that you will be getting a dog from the shelter.  If you go to petharbor.com you can actually view animals in multiple shelters in your area.   There are a lot of dogs (and other animals)that need homes.  I currently have a pet rat that I got at a shelter.  She is a wonderful pet. 

I don't know the answer to the question about if the hamster will eat the babies.  I have only had 1 hamster and he was male.  He actually liked and got along with other animals, but from what I have heard this is not the norm.   I have never tried to breed rodents and have always only kept 1 sex at a time.  When people do or just ignore the fact that a male and female rodent will breed on there own usually the babies end up in a shelter or worse.   There are also responsibilities and expenses associated with owning rodents.   Like with any animal it is important to train them, love them, and to give them attention.   Expenses include food, bedding, and veternary care (although it is usually significantly less than with a dog or cat).  

There is ALWAYS hope!

 

Ask yourself why you are in your particular situation....only you can answer that.

HI DR PHIL I LOVE YOUR SHOW MIKE

It is a safe efficient way for him to get to school.   Your son has to get to school some how and there is no 100 percent safe way, but neither is driving him to school or any other way you might get him to school.   The social interaction and problem solving skills he will gain from being around his peers on the bus are invaluable.   Shared transportation is the responsible thing to do for the environment and for your son.   

Before you have another child fix your own life.  Having more children is not going to fix your problems.  

Dr.Phil I want to give you a hand clap for encouraging people to be brave and speak. I live in a world where people say everyone can speak out but only on certain things. Here is an example: The church which I attend I can not speak for all but the one I attend punish fornication but do not talk about sex. The topic of sex is a very painful one ,confused one due to things that has happen to me in the past.

 

I am confused because I don't know if I was raped or not. I did not want it yet I did not fight and this was constant. Rape to me is when you fight until there is no strength  left within you. I write these words and tears and shame overwhelmes me .  I AM TIRED.

 

It seems as though I have been hurt all my life just to then be married to a man that makes me feel I am in a prison that haves no parol. I don't blame him. I blame myself. I married because my mother gave me the option to get out her house or go to college. I had no money for college .I did not know what subject to take in college so I choose marriage. Inside I though I have forgiven my mother for that but I haven't she forsaken me just like my father. My father left me when I was two and raised another child which was not his own but as his own. Inside I thought I have forgiven my father for that but I haven't. If my father was home then my mother would not of forced me out...... If my father was home my mother would not had left me with my uncle to babysit me and fondled me and then when I was of age to say no I did not and to this day I can't understand it. It confuses me. My Male and Female cousin forced me to do sexual acts before I knew what an orgasim was. I remember having a feeling but not understanding it until years later I found out that it was a orgasim.

 

I want to have a voice but fear overwhelmes me ,shame emerges me but I still want a voice. I thought it was a wonderful thing Dr.Phil for giving people the voice to speak to be healed. I have a lot of anger within and sometimes it is worse than other times. I try to find ways to manage. I go running and write. I write Poetry and I write within my journals.

 

I LEARNED ONE THING IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS TO NEVER JUDGE SOME ONE. WE NEVER KNOW HOW WE WOULD RESPOND TO A SITUATION UNLESS WE WERE IN IT OURSELVES . WE ALL NEED HELP. WE ALL NEED TO HAVE COMPASSION.

 

 

This show is really a wake up call and is making me think more and more of my life... I am battling an addiction right now of drugs and it is overpowering me and winning everyday.  Even though I am clean today I am only 32 days clean and this show is helping me because there are other people out there that are going through the same thing.  I am not that good of a writer i cant express my feelings, I cant cry, I cant laugh and mean it nor smile.  Guilt eats me alive I am embaressed wherever I go even though people dont know what Ive done.  The things i have done, commited, eats me alive and i cant let it go.  I also get win this battle of  drug addiction I want to use everyday of my life I have been hospitalized many many times, I now have blood diseases, i have extreme debt, i have ruined relationships, I have lost all my friends, and yet i continue to still want to use.. I am writing this becuase there is so much that i need to get out about what I have done and what I have experienced along this route I have taken and I dont know any other way to do it but write it and have someone I cant see or cant hear me read it...This show is really helping me out but I also need help urgently.

I can relate with Carina who appeared on the Get Well Retreat.  I, too was abused by my biological father (sexual abuse from age 3) until the day he died when I was approx. 7.  He succumbed in our house fire which he created when he fell asleep with a burning cigarette.  My mother then married another man she called my "step dad".  I couldn't stand him then and to this day, I still can't tolerate him.  He is now in a rest home suffering from Alzheimer's.  I could care less.  He. too, tried to sexually abuse me.  I tried to tell my mother but she would not hear of it.  I've learned that I am a survivor and that I must get on with life so, i bit the bullet and have gone forward in my life.  I don't let this hold me back, but it's still in my memory.  I can so relate to those that have suffered as I have.  I have undergone therapy and hypnosis but when I come to the area where I have been told to forgive my biological father, I can't and won't.  It's something that has happened and I still can't forgive.  I don't believe this has affected my life.  I'm a senor citizen now and have learned to just leave it alone and hope to help others with similar problems.  Tell Carina to just hang in there, take the help from Dr. Phil and count her lucky stars that she was fortunate enough to have someone like Dr. Phil assist her.

Kellly had no reason to feel guilty about her father...it was his decison to do what he did. It has taken me a over 5 years to figure that out. I have lost both of my parents and I stilll feel guilty....and I'm sure that I always will.

 

My own father committed suicide 5 years ago. He was injured in a work related accident in 1981 and was in constant pain for over 20 years. He was hit in the face with a steel cable and it shattered both his upper and lower jaw. He was in and out of the hospital for 4 years, had too many surgeries to count and had to have his food blended because he had his jaw wired shut. My mother suffered through all of this with nerves of steel and the patience of a saint. My sister and I constantly were being yelled at but there was never a time that we doubted that he loved us.

 

In the last 2 years before my father died, I couldn'nt have a civil conversation with him. We would yell, scream, cuss and end up not speaking to each other. That really hurt me because I used to be "Daddy's girl" and we were very, very close.

 

I still feel guilty about the huge rift between my father and myself. Things were said and done that can never be taken back and I can never apologize to my father for the things that I did to hurt him. He was the best father I could have ever asked for and I amj constantly reminded of how much I miss him and need him.

 

No longer had I started to get past my father's death, then my mother took a fall down the stairs at home adn ended up in the hospital. She ended up having 3 surgeries and was in the hospital for over a month. I was with her every day and tried to do the right thing for her. I watched the woman that I loved more than anytthing slipping away and there was nothing that I could do about it but sit there and watch her die right before my eyes. My final memory of my mother is watching her struggle for breath and having to tell the doctors not to continue to try to save her. It was the most painful thing that I have ever done.

 

Even now, I regret the rift between my dad and question the decisions that I made about my mother. I wonder if there was something, anything that I could have done or said to prevent my father from killing himself and if I had dome everything possible to save my mother.

 

Kelly has every right to be sad over her father, but she is not responsible for his actions and should never feel guilty about it.