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Topic : 11/07 Child Abandonment

Number of Replies: 214
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Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:17:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Abandoning a child is largely considered the worst thing a parent could do … or is it? As an alternative to leaving unwanted babies to starve in dumpsters and alleys, many states have enacted a safe haven law, which provides the option of leaving the child in a safe place, such as a hospital or fire station, with no questions asked. Nebraska was the last state to enact the law; and did so without an age restriction. As a result, there has been a recent spate of parents dropping off grown teenagers to the care of the state! Should an age limit be set? When Courtney, 34, became overwhelmed with caring for her 15-year-old daughter, she says she used the loophole in the law to get her daughter the care she needed. Was this an act of abandonment, or a mother’s last resort?  Next, abandoned at an airport at just 10 days old, Elizabeth was given the nickname “Delta Dawn” by the pilots who found her, and Michael, left in a trash can by his birth mother, was saved by a night watchman. Learn how their lives played out and hear the lasting repercussions of their abandonment. Then, meet Elizabeth, a 20-year-old mother of two who says she is considering giving up her daughters. Would her decision be in the best interest of the children? And, when Maria, at age 16, unexpectedly gave birth on her bathroom floor, she says she stabbed the baby with a pair of scissors. Find out what drove her to such drastic measures. Join the discussion.

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November 1, 2008, 11:11 pm CDT

Hard choices

For all of you who think giving a child to the state is the worst thing you can do, try raising a 16 year old who has violated everything you hold.  I have that in my 16 year old.  I have asked for help over and over again and again.  NO one understands the pain and grief my family has suffered because of this child.  I can understand, what you don't.  The violence, the drugs, the total lack of respect, I can't seem to get this child to understand she is messing up her life, and the lives of others.

 

You live your day with a 16 year old who has total you she would rather you be dead, and have the ways to do it planned out.  You live your life getting her from hospitals from using drugs.  You live your life with false child abuse charges, because you took her phone priviledges away.  You live your life, scared to death she is gonna cause another neighbor to lose his family cause she told everyone she slept with him and is pregnant by him.  You live your life keeping anything and everything valuable in 3 safes.  You be homeless for 3 months because she stole your rent money.  You try just 1 day of my child and then comment on this.

 

You live my life and then you judge.

 

I have thought long and hard about signing my rights away.  I am so close to losing my mind.  I am so scared for my 5 year old.  I am scared for anyone who comes into contact with her. 

 

I am scared to death, that one day she might push me too far and I will....

 

So again live my life the you can judge this honestly.

 

Sorry Dr. Phil  some people just see one side of things, and forget that sometimes people do things for a very good reason.

 
November 2, 2008, 3:08 am CST

i wish i had more babies

i envy a woman who can bear a child as much as they wanted.i have only one child and keep on trying to have more so iam really sad that they abandon their child. how i wish i can have more babies and nurture and love them.Being a more is a 24/7 service.You are a complete  woman.

 
November 3, 2008, 3:56 am CST

A complete woman?

Quote From: pinkheart26

i envy a woman who can bear a child as much as they wanted.i have only one child and keep on trying to have more so iam really sad that they abandon their child. how i wish i can have more babies and nurture and love them.Being a more is a 24/7 service.You are a complete  woman.

While I agree with your post I have to take exception with your last remark. I had always wanted to have children but by the time we were ready, I became disables and was no longer able to carry a child. My right to give birth or even adopt was taken away fro me when I was hurt. But does that make me an incomplete woman? NO! I found that remark to be callous and rude. Also, many women just plain choose to never have children for whatever reason and I can guarantee you that they are complete women also. After making such an intelligent post you ruined the impact of what you had to say!
 
November 3, 2008, 4:02 am CST

I disagree!

Quote From: damamatigger

For all of you who think giving a child to the state is the worst thing you can do, try raising a 16 year old who has violated everything you hold.  I have that in my 16 year old.  I have asked for help over and over again and again.  NO one understands the pain and grief my family has suffered because of this child.  I can understand, what you don't.  The violence, the drugs, the total lack of respect, I can't seem to get this child to understand she is messing up her life, and the lives of others.

 

You live your day with a 16 year old who has total you she would rather you be dead, and have the ways to do it planned out.  You live your life getting her from hospitals from using drugs.  You live your life with false child abuse charges, because you took her phone priviledges away.  You live your life, scared to death she is gonna cause another neighbor to lose his family cause she told everyone she slept with him and is pregnant by him.  You live your life keeping anything and everything valuable in 3 safes.  You be homeless for 3 months because she stole your rent money.  You try just 1 day of my child and then comment on this.

 

You live my life and then you judge.

 

I have thought long and hard about signing my rights away.  I am so close to losing my mind.  I am so scared for my 5 year old.  I am scared for anyone who comes into contact with her. 

 

I am scared to death, that one day she might push me too far and I will....

 

So again live my life the you can judge this honestly.

 

Sorry Dr. Phil  some people just see one side of things, and forget that sometimes people do things for a very good reason.

I have watched over the years where my sister has gone through almost everything you have written here. I know exactly how hard it can be. But, did my sister ever think about signing away her rights to her own daughter? No! You cannot give your children away once they are of a certain age just because they are difficult, or as in the case with my sister, a meth addict. Her daughter has given birth to 2 children, one of whom my sister is raising and the other the father took away. My sister's life has been threatened by gang members, and by drug dealers. But it is still her own flesh and blood. You try to get them help, you put them in rehab. You do whatever it takes to try and save your child. You don't just toss a teenager away!
 
November 3, 2008, 4:09 am CST

A very sad story!

Quote From: wingsok

I cannot tell you the pain I have suffered by adopting an abandoned child.  Our son was found naked in the street with his birth mother passed out from alcohol abuse.  He was 6 months old.  His mother never came forward to take him back after the state took him away and he came to us at 26 months. 

First I never bonded with him.  Second, he began lying from the day he could speak.  He lied about everything and still does.  Third, he was completely unmotivated to do anything (i'm not kidding) - Dr. Phil, there was and is no carrot for this kid, nothing we did worked and fourth, he became a sex addict  and went into state custody for exposing himself to a 3 year old at 17 years of age. 

 

I became an abusive, nasty person - a side of me that I didn't know existed.  I have cried for years over the guilt and still do.  At the age of 19, he is not welcome in our home because we do not trust him.  I never experienced the "sport" things, the school dances, the prom, high school graduation and have never received a simple card, a gift or a simple spoken word for any holidays or my birthday (neither has my husband).  He doesn't know when my birthday is, nor do I think he cares.  He only takes from us and pretends to care when he thinks it suits his needs.

 

An abandoned child who was offered all the best things, a nice neighborhood, a college education (his money went to legal bills), nice parents (once upon a time).  We could even afford counseling which was useless because he lied to the counselors. 

 

I think he might have been better off with his alcoholic mother because he pissed away the opportunities we tried to give him. 

 

I feel sorry for abandoned kids and I don't know what the answers are, but I do know my experience is one that has hurt me deeply.  I would caution anyone who is adopting a child of an alcoholic to take good stock of who they are before they think they can fix the problem.  When we got our son they didn't know much about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and we weren't told all the truth.   Knowing me, I would have said no - it takes a special person to raise someone that will never care about you or be able to show love or honesty. 

I agree that not disclosing the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a huge mistake. Maybe you could have taken steps much earlier on if there was any chance for him having a better life. Also, at 26 months, he had probably never bonded with his biological mother or anyone else and that is another huge factor as to why you could not bond yourself. How sad! The system takes way too long placing these babies in loving homes where they could actually be given a chance. He was abandoned at 6 months, but you didn't receive him until 26 months. The red tape crap needs to go and these children need to be placed in loving homes ASAP while they still have that chance to bond, due to the very short window of time that this can even take place.
 
November 3, 2008, 4:14 am CST

The Law......................................

Quote From: mstmbond

I believe that a parent should be able to drop the child off in a safe place.  I think it would be in the best interest of the child.  Not all people are capable of taking care of children.  Why did they have them?  Who knows but with all the dysfunctional people in this world, give the child a chance.  Let them go somewhere where they can be loved and taken care of.

 

I'm not sure about dropping off a teenager.  I thought about that myself when things got bad but I was capable of handling it.  Thank God because I love them very much.

 

Can we ask the question...  The state has laws protecting the child and putting the parent in a precarious position when a child is acting up.  They are told they can call the police and the parent will be prosecuted.  When a child tells a parent this and the parent is scared to do anything, whats a parent to do.

 

I'm really glad that some people have super kids.  Ones that don't get in trouble or try their parents.  BUT, when you are a good parent and have a child or two who act up, what avenues do you have?  Well, we can get them therapy but what if you can't afford it?

 

All I can say is...  Thank God I am not in that position anymore.  I wish people all the luck in the world and hope they get their children to adulthood safely.

 

Don't judge until you've walked a mile in THAT parents footsteps.

In my opinion this is exactly the reason (at least one of the biggest ones) why parents have lost control of their teenagers these days. In an effort to stop child abuse, the law has given children too much power where it can now be used against the parents whenever a child wants their way. Something has to change here and I don't know why the lawmakers of this country have not realized this yet. We continue to build more prisons, is that better than giving parents some control of their own back?
 
November 3, 2008, 4:19 am CST

Safe Haven Law

I am a firm believer in the safe haven law for infants that are not wanted. It's a heck of a lot better than children being thrown into dumpsters, trash cans, or toilets. But for teenagers? No! The child is too old to be tossed out. Where will they go? Who will adopt them? No one. As I mentioned in another post, the laws need to be changed to where parents can have more control over their children instead of having to worry that they, the parents will be arrested just because they took their teens phone away.
 
November 3, 2008, 6:01 am CST

Chile Abandonment

I know it's hard for every parent to make a choice to leave their child somewhere (ie hospital or fire station), but sometimes people feel like they weren't meant to be parents.Some people may say that it's not right to do that to a child, but at the same time, it's not fair to keep a child when you know good and well that you don't have the proper ammenities to care for them. So, why keep your child/teenager if you can't care for them properly? Granted you can give them to your family to raise, but what if you have no family around? Then it's better to give them up. Also, if you are young, just say no to sex!!! If you still choose to sleep around with people, at least use the right kind of protection. Condoms!!! Please be proactive!!! If you aren't ready to have a baby, think twice before having sex!!!
 
November 3, 2008, 10:45 am CST

Where are the Fathers

Quote From: brady70

I feel that if a mother can no longer take care of the child or children she should let them go to some agency that can take care of them The agencies are not all bad. My mother was an alcoholic and very sickly. I was put in an orphange at the age of 10 when my mother got sick and stayed there for 5 years. Then went to a Foster Home that I lived in until I got married at the age of 25. I was very happy at the orphange and Foster Home. I do know that all Homes and Foster Homes are not great. My mother died when I was 11 and I thank her today for putting me in the home. I was taught a lot of good values and how to live on my own. As I tell my husband of 40 years I was a woman libber long before it was in style. I think every person should stand on there own. Not every person is made to raise children.
 As a father of three beautiful girls ages 12,10 & 6 years old, I often wonder where the fathers to  these children that are on your show, they should be held responsible just as the mothers are.

Thank You
Ken - Pa
 
November 3, 2008, 11:05 pm CST

For younger people..........................

Quote From: manderin27

I know it's hard for every parent to make a choice to leave their child somewhere (ie hospital or fire station), but sometimes people feel like they weren't meant to be parents.Some people may say that it's not right to do that to a child, but at the same time, it's not fair to keep a child when you know good and well that you don't have the proper ammenities to care for them. So, why keep your child/teenager if you can't care for them properly? Granted you can give them to your family to raise, but what if you have no family around? Then it's better to give them up. Also, if you are young, just say no to sex!!! If you still choose to sleep around with people, at least use the right kind of protection. Condoms!!! Please be proactive!!! If you aren't ready to have a baby, think twice before having sex!!!
The safe haven law is there for mostly young people/girls who have gotten pregnant and have hid their pregnancy from their parents, or are on drugs and don't want to care for the baby. This is set up for people who are indeed irresponsible. So the idea of telling them to not have sex or to use condoms really doesn't work here. When a girl is a meth addict, or whatever drug of choice, she isn't thinking about the ramifications of getting pregnant when she's trading her body for drugs. It's a pretty sorry world in which we live where this has become so rampant and out of control. But just because these girls are getting pregnant without a thought, it doesn't mean that the baby should have to pay for it's mother's (and I use that term loosely) sins. The safe haven law needs to be in every state to help prevent these babies from dying a horrible and slow death.
 
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