Topic : 11/07 Child Abandonment

I have read a number of posts and would like to say to those that are scornful and judgemental about a Mother giving up her children,  "WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES!"  I have and every step broke my heart and destroyed my hope and my soul.  This is part of my story.

I was abandoned at birth by my parents.  Yes, including my biological father.  My parents basically dropped me in the arms of my Grandmother and my aunt until I was around a year old.  That was the beginning of a long journey through hell.  I have been abused in every way it is possible to abuse another human being.  By the time I was 17 years old I thought I knew all there was to know about the world.  I met a man whom I married for all the wrong reasons.  He was a very tall and muscular man and he stood his ground with my Mother.  That was all it took to convince me he was the most wonderful man on the face of the earth.  I gave birth to 3 beautiful children by the time I was 20 years old.  My "most wonderful man on the face of the earth" was physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive to me.  To the children it was physical and emotional abuse.  I learned very early that to try and protect my kids got me a worse beating, but I kept trying.  I had left him and gone to a shelter twice and both times my Mother told him where I was and gave him the number.  Finally I did leave him and take my kids with me.  I moved across Canada back to my home province and started life over, just me and the kids.  Then one day several months after I had left I did the most horrendous thing to my middle son.  I attacked him and almost strangled him.  I know now that I had a mental breakdown, but at the time I just wanted to die for what I had done.  I put all three children into care.  For months I had been trying to get psychological help for my boys.  They finally received it while in care.  As for me, I watched the changes in my children on our weekly supervised visits.  I knew I was not getting any better emotionally and I refused to put them into their fathers care.  So I made the decision to give up my parental rights to my children and then went to court to make sure that their father couldn't get custody.

Of all the things I had been through giving up my children was the most heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me.  I had no support system to help me with all the emotional trauma both me and the children had went through.  I truly felt that I was utterly alone with nowhre to turn.  To me it came down to a choice between the lives of my children or my life.  I chose life for my children.  That was 22 years ago.  Every day for 22 years I thought of my children and how I did not have a right to live.

So before you judge a mother who gives up her child hoping for a safer, healthier and happier life;

"WALK A MILE IN OUR SHOES"

I think the safe heaven's are a good idea, it beats the alternative for these children to die.  Does make me very sad though, I've wanted children my entire life, and can't have any. I never understood not wanting your children.  I'd give my right arm for a child to love.

I am working towards my master's degree in chemical dependency. I now have a course in Mental Health. I was watching the first mother who abandoned her child and  the daughter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. When she talked about the comic books she found about death, blood, etc. it made me think that she may have Reactive Detachment Disorder (RAD). I wonder if the doctor's looked into this?

I am not a doctor, but I was just wondering if they looked into this since it usually is diagnosed as another disorder.

When my son was 4 years old, he was hallucinating.  His behavior was agressive and I had him in therapy before he got to kindergarten.  At that point he was diagnosed as "gifted" with 173 IQ.  As the years progressed, I tried to be the parent with the gifted child and got ideas about how to raise a "gifted child". By the time he was 14, his behavior continued to decline and I was ready to ship him to the moon.  I had tried everything.  Nothing helped.  I was also a single mother of three children, so I was overwhelmed and exhausted.  In and out of child/parent therapy for years, I finally threw up my hands and admitted "failure".  I simply couldn't do it anymore.

As I tried finding how to plug him into the system, I ran into roadblock after roadblock.  I was ready to put him in foster care, or the Boys Town or anything to help him.  Clearly I was ineffective and could no longer help him.  Fortunately, my sister had alot of money and put him in private schools.  He continued to be the brillant child with behavioral problems.  Nothing was changing.  And soon thereafter, he was at my house again.

By the time he became 18, I had him going to several psychiatrists.  Bi-polar, schizoaffective, Uni-polar, and on and on ad nauseum.  He was finally hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Throughout this time, psychiatrists' views varied.  Yes, a child can be diagnosed schizophrenic, no they can't, yes they can, no they can't.  It was ludicrous and horrible.  My son became catatonic, aggressive, cut his wrists to the bone, thought he was the anti-Christ, thought I was poisoning him, thought I was controlling everyone through mind control etc.  He grew into a diagnosable paranoid schizophrenic. 

My point being, had I known then, what I know now, perhaps I could have gotten him the intervention he needed.  Yes, I would have "abandoned" him because I had run out of options and energy.  Yes, I would have been considered one of those horrible mothers.

But please don't judge the moms or dads who have said - I can't do this any more.  They can't do this any more because, unless you go on the Dr. Phil show, doors are slammed in your face and you're faced with an emotional crisis you don't know how to get out of.  I truly believe the problem is systemic.  That society has no compassion for those who are "crazy and talk to themselves" or who don't bathe.  I've been going through this 18 years and I'm still appalled at the lack of support and services.  It terrifies me to think he'll actually be released into the community when he has absolutely no inisight into his illness and he is absolutely helpless to help himself.  He has always had the worst prognosis.  And I love him immeasureably.

But please let the moms or dads do what they need to do without judgment.  They've reached their end.  I truly believe this law is not abused.  It's for the individulas who are in emotional crisis and have absolutely no where to go.  I've lived it.  I know how it feels.

I am a mother of 2 girls ages 14 and 18, I was blessed to wait until I was 23 to begin motherhood.  I felt I was fully prepared.  I could not imagine my 18 year old being a mother at this time.

To the mother who is at her wits end and is considering giving them up.  My husband and I would like to offer a safe home for your two girls. A home that you would be able to visit any time throughout their lives. 

I dont buy the ODD-diagnose. It's a joke. I can go right up to my public school and ask all the parents in grade 9. If they dont have kids that makes the ODD criteria, I would be speaking with worried parents.

Of course you guessed that I am not an American. We expect our teenagers to try to test our borders, have mood svings etc. They better get it out of their system now or they will be really bad off once they become adults.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppositional_defiant_disorder

From our TV-channel: http://translate.google.dk/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fnyhederne.tv2.dk%2Farticle.php%2Fid-16971298.html&hl=da&ie=UTF-8&sl=da&tl=en

Translated into better English than Google the article states:

[quote]Sober children worries parents

If a teenager does not drink beer with his friends, parents are worried. Therefore they urge their children to go to parties, according to a study from the Center for rusmiddelforskning, writes Jydske West Coast.  (Newspaper) The study is based on interviews with adolescents and their parents in three ninth grades in a small towns in Jutland .  80 percent of students in the three classes had tried to drink alcohol.

Several of the parents of the children who did not participate in the parties, said that it worried them that their children were not involved in the weekend parties.

The survey is conducted by ethnographer Torsten Kolind.

"The fact that young people do not drink, and thus not part of the community, can be a sign that something is wrong," says Torsten Kolind to Jydske West Coast.[/quote]

ODD is a joke and I havn't heard of one single teenager being diagnosed with it.

I guess that this mother could have brought a Scanrail pass, hostel pass and a backpack so she could ship her daughter off to the nordic countries for some real life therapy. We havn't very much of violence here and she will learn that all that trying borders is something that she should be too old for when being 15 years of age. The earn-money instinct should kick in so she could mature.

I think that a child at any age should be covered under the safe haven act.  As a child that grew up with a mother that wanted to get rid of her after my fatter died, I have abandonment issues from the emotional abandonment that I suffered.  My mother turned to alcohol to avoid the pain she was in over loosing my father, and often said things to me that still haunt me today in my 30's.  A child that gets abandoned to be placed with a loving family would be better off in the long run in my opinion.  You truly have to look at the best interest of the child.

We have animal shelters in every city so that people can take their pet and drop them off in a safe place instead of throwing them out at a garbage can because we think it is inhumane to abandon them.  No one says that you are a bad person if you get tired of you dog after 5 years and decide to give him away.  I think a child at any age should have the same benefit at the very least, to have a place where they will be looked after and given a chance to find a family that will show them the love that their parent is unable to give them. 

As a mother I can't imagine feeling like the young girl on the show that wants to give her children away, but as the child that became a burden to my mother I hope she does give them to someone that will show them the love that they deserve if she can't give it to them.  It sticks when you are told by your mother that you are a problem for her and that she would be happier without you.  Every relationship I have today is still affected by the voice inside me that keeps repeating those words that I heard as a child.