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Topic : 11/07 Child Abandonment

Number of Replies: 214
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Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:17:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Abandoning a child is largely considered the worst thing a parent could do … or is it? As an alternative to leaving unwanted babies to starve in dumpsters and alleys, many states have enacted a safe haven law, which provides the option of leaving the child in a safe place, such as a hospital or fire station, with no questions asked. Nebraska was the last state to enact the law; and did so without an age restriction. As a result, there has been a recent spate of parents dropping off grown teenagers to the care of the state! Should an age limit be set? When Courtney, 34, became overwhelmed with caring for her 15-year-old daughter, she says she used the loophole in the law to get her daughter the care she needed. Was this an act of abandonment, or a mother’s last resort?  Next, abandoned at an airport at just 10 days old, Elizabeth was given the nickname “Delta Dawn” by the pilots who found her, and Michael, left in a trash can by his birth mother, was saved by a night watchman. Learn how their lives played out and hear the lasting repercussions of their abandonment. Then, meet Elizabeth, a 20-year-old mother of two who says she is considering giving up her daughters. Would her decision be in the best interest of the children? And, when Maria, at age 16, unexpectedly gave birth on her bathroom floor, she says she stabbed the baby with a pair of scissors. Find out what drove her to such drastic measures. Join the discussion.

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November 7, 2008, 11:58 am CST

moral confusion

A teenager is alone,scared and giving birth; it is no surprise the idea of "making sure she is dead" seemed reasonable. How is that different from adults deciding partial birth abortion is reasonable?  The difference?  One is charged wth murder and the other is charging a fee.
 
November 7, 2008, 12:03 pm CST

impossible

Lots of people think how can you abonden your child??? well I know now!! and will never condemn anyone.
We adopted our son in 1991, we were thrilled, we waited so long for a child, but before long I got a uneasy feeling and I couldn't place it, the way he reacted on us and others was odd, years later we discovered finaily what it was reactieve attachtment disorder and possible fetal alcohol effects without the facial expressions.
By then we were exhausted on the brink of a nerveus breakdown, the neverending lies, telling story's to other people who were untrue, half true, partly true en what ever, but always negative for us, the big mouth, the screaming, the disobidience, not able to play with kids, the stealing, difficulties at school. in de neighberhood, not able to talk to us, but talking to SW's (sociaal workers) like he had discussed with us already (wich he never did!!) so we came over as difficult and since he has great looks and manipulated talking (he thrives on traingulation, we gues because on the chaos he lived before us)
All the while we were trying to figure out what he had and more inportant what could be done about it, we spend hours and money on therapist's, courses, books went to seminars, had many people over, try to get help from everywere, but till todayno one was really able to help, they were to unexperienced, not enough funding, te easy, we got thrown in the groep of parents wo really messed things up, the made no difference in treatment of different kind of type parents.
We could lied to, the made decisions who didn't worked out for our son (while we warned them) and we got the blame (he runned away and they didn't helped to search for him) got betrayed by our own friends who believed his lies (the hiddeth him).
Our own family (except a aunt and my sister) didn't believe us and didn't helped us (now they do, but now it's to late)
When he was 13 years we couldn't' take the stess, hate and the passive agression from our son anymore, and we placed him in a rtc, and till today I feel so sad about it, I fear that I probably wil never get over that fact, because I love my son, but he was not able to love me back, but instead refused to be reared by us ( and no, he often did things at others to, so I don't think somebody else could  have done it better)
We even searched for his birthmother, found her, let her come over on our cost, but even that didn't make any difference.
We had no help except for God, we did everything possible, we ralized very early we needed help for his special need, but we got ......
I don't think many people can understand that children can really hate and make live impossible in a family (by the way, I didn't know either)
Many people search for help, but don't get it, no matter what they do, so this is the last straw to get help for their children, and please help them, let somebody listen to their screams for help, don't comdemn.
For us it's to late, he doesn't want comtact anymore, and we fear he won't make it in society.
Greetings
 
November 7, 2008, 12:48 pm CST

Nebraska needs help!

I live in Omaha and we just had out 29th safe haven case! It's troubling. They are all teenagers! I believe in the law! But for toddlers and infants! When your dumping off a teenager thats a cop out! One tennager from Iowa's mom dropped her off because she was pregnant! All these cases are from out of state. this law should have been more regulated! Their is a huge loop hole and these parents are escaping responsibility! These aren't children. They are young adult! And Nebraska looks like fools for not correcting this issue cause it is truly out of hand!
 
November 7, 2008, 12:55 pm CST

child abandonment

My husband and I tried for years to have children but unfortunately it will never happen.  We would love to take these children and adopt them as our own.  We have so much to offer and we are a loving and happy couple.  If Melissa is interested in giving her 2 children up for adoption, we would love to speak with her. 
 
November 7, 2008, 12:56 pm CST

I soooooo Understand

 

I am watching the 2 parents  who the teenage daughter is crying for them .... I am 50 yrs old .. I have been there ... My dad was my life as far as starving for his attention ..... I did try suicide at 17 only wanting his attention .. only wanting him .. didnt work ...... and yes i fell into the traps of the no good men .. fell into the prostituion .. only because I never felt I was worthy...... over the years I learned .. then would slide backwards ....... not matter what this father feels ...... hug your daughter .. let her know your there and act on it ...... or trust me .. you will lose her !! .. Watching all this has brought so many memories ..... do not let daughter be a memory.

 
November 7, 2008, 12:58 pm CST

Why do you have a baby?

Why isn't there a critieria to be met before you can have children.

  

Can Someone Tell me WHY we have to wait till a certain age to drive a car.  Then we have to Pass A Test to Get a Licence to drive the car.  To get a Job you must show qualifications for that job - some jobs you Must have a college degree to get.   Anyone can have a BABY !!!  Anyone.  How is it there are no laws to protect the unborn, carelessly concieved ?  Shouldn't there be some regulation on people not able to raise themselves or care for themselves Having Children.  If someone would not be able to Adopt a child (or a pet for that matter) based on their ability to provide how are they allowed to give Birth?  This is insane.  When did everything become a game?  Family, marrage, kids, all that stuff was seemed special growing up, now it's all a joke.

 
November 7, 2008, 1:05 pm CST

Struggling everyday

Dr. Phil,

 

I'm not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, but here it goes. I've struggled ALL of my life b/c of my mothers abandonment. She left me when I was 2 years old and my dad raised me. I had a rough life growing up, but my dad did the absolute BEST that he could do. He was raising me and my sister and trying to work 2 jobs just to provide for us. Honestly, my dad is my hero, b/c if it weren't for him, I have no clue where I would be today.

 

A little about myself, I am a married mom of 3 kids. I have a 10 year old son and twins (boy/girl) who are 5. I struggle on a daily basis with the fact that my mom didn't want me. And it's not like she was a drug addict or something. She lives a completely normal life with her husband, and my half brother who is now 13. Of course, she gives him the world, which is extremely hard for me to acknowledge. I would have given my heart for her to just have called me "once" while I was growing up. I wouldn't even have cared what we talked about, it just would have been nice to have a "mom" even if it was for a 5 minute phone call.

 

It's so hard for me to be a "good" mom to my 3 kids, b/c I feel like I didn't have a  mom of my own, "how" can I possibly be a "good" mom to my kids? I do the best I can do, but I still carry around that emotional baggage from almost 26 years ago when my mom left and decided she didn't "want" to be my mom.

 

I honestly don't understand how in the world she was ever able to leave me, b/c I worship the ground my kids walk on. I absolutely would do anything in my power for them.

 

The last time I talked to my mom was in April of 2008 and that was b/c I called to wish her a Happy Birthday. I don't know why I did, b/c I have always been the one to try and connect with her, but she never puts forth any effort. Talk about a slap in the face. She left me once as a child, and now that I am 28 and  I've tried to put the past behind me and be the bigger person in all of this, she just ignores me again.

 

Please help! Can you tell me how I can move past this and bring closure to my life? She was never, never, never, there for me my ENTIRE life, and for some reason, it's like I can't let go, I keep a little bit of hope inside that maybe one day, she will decide she wants to be a mother to me.  Which, sadly I know will never happen.

 

Thanks.

 
November 7, 2008, 1:12 pm CST

Child Safety

I think the child safety laws are a good thing and should be expanded to include children of all ages.  I would even go so far as to say children should have abuse shelters available to them to go to when their parents are abusing them!  Our children are our future!  Handle with care!  God bless Dr Phil!
 
November 7, 2008, 1:14 pm CST

Courtney and her daughter

I think that Courtney is clearly a mother who is totally at her wit's end. She hasn't been helped by the mental health "professionals" in her area. There *are* treatments available for ODD, and a good doctor would do everything he or she could to help a patient with this disorder, and should all medications and hospitalizations fail, a good doctor would work with the parents and insurance company to get the young patient into residential care. Doctors left her holding the bag, and though I agree that her choice is very extreme, Courtney obviously felt like she couldn't do anything to help her daughter and felt like maybe someone else could, even if those same people weren't willing to help her before.
 
November 7, 2008, 1:16 pm CST

11/07 Child Abandonment

Abandonment and motherhood should never be used in the same sentence. I cannot imagine even having a thought that would lead to abandoning my children. I would kill or die for them. I think the people that abandon their children because they want to be free, or have discovered it's too much work are wasting the air. I don't care what their excuses are. There are other forces at work in this issue though and they need addressing. Chemical imbalance, and mental diseases play a large part. Simply being overwhelmed and sleep deprived can play havoc with your mind. There needs to be easy access to help. Safe havens are a sad necessity. I don't like the idea, but I like it a lot better then burying a child. Some people are just not meant to be parents, and the child shouldn't pay for the mistake. For most women carrying a child, giving birth is life altering. Everyone tells you what it will be like, and you think you know, but you really don't. Unfortunately for some the magic doesn't happen and the child will pay for it, hopefully not with it's life.
 
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