Message Boards

Topic : 11/07 Child Abandonment

Number of Replies: 214
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:17:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Abandoning a child is largely considered the worst thing a parent could do … or is it? As an alternative to leaving unwanted babies to starve in dumpsters and alleys, many states have enacted a safe haven law, which provides the option of leaving the child in a safe place, such as a hospital or fire station, with no questions asked. Nebraska was the last state to enact the law; and did so without an age restriction. As a result, there has been a recent spate of parents dropping off grown teenagers to the care of the state! Should an age limit be set? When Courtney, 34, became overwhelmed with caring for her 15-year-old daughter, she says she used the loophole in the law to get her daughter the care she needed. Was this an act of abandonment, or a mother’s last resort?  Next, abandoned at an airport at just 10 days old, Elizabeth was given the nickname “Delta Dawn” by the pilots who found her, and Michael, left in a trash can by his birth mother, was saved by a night watchman. Learn how their lives played out and hear the lasting repercussions of their abandonment. Then, meet Elizabeth, a 20-year-old mother of two who says she is considering giving up her daughters. Would her decision be in the best interest of the children? And, when Maria, at age 16, unexpectedly gave birth on her bathroom floor, she says she stabbed the baby with a pair of scissors. Find out what drove her to such drastic measures. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

November 7, 2008, 1:21 pm CST

In your shoes

I can understand and feel for girls that are children raising children.  I had three kids by the time I was 22yrs old and felt trapped.  I was divorced when my kids were 2, 3 and 4. If I could let girls know everything that I know now, I could help them understand what they are feeling and not make the BIG mistakes I have made.  I am now 50 yrs old and my kids are 29, 30 and 31 and they resent me and have no respect  for me. They only talk to me maybe afew times a year.  I regret having kids so young and wish I could take back the past 30 years.  I have only got to see my grand kids afew times and they don't realize I am their Grandma because my kids just don't like me.  Unless someone has walked in these type of shoes, they just can't understand these young Moms.  My heart goes out to them.  Young and dumb.  And the sad thing is they will make BIG mistakes and not even realize until it is way to late.
 
November 7, 2008, 1:23 pm CST

Don't judge this teenager harshly

I was this girl in 1978.  I had a baby at 16, one at 17, a divorce at 18, a remarriage at 19, a major incurable disease at 20, another baby and divorce by 21 and sixteen operations since then.  Even with all this happening because I didn't have the parental guidance while growing up, I tried to keep my children.  But at what emotional cost?  One day, while spending yet another hospital stay with a sever case of Crohn's Disease, the doctors came in and advised me to adopt out all my children.  I couldn't send them all away.

My oldest son and daughter went to live with my cousin who claimed I would still be a part of their lives. She lied.  Once I signed, they were gone.  100% gone.  Throughout the years I tortured myself with drug addiction and drunks.  The last baby I had at 21 stayed with me throughout the years.  He suffered from my being ill.  He never knew when his mother was going to be at home or in the hospital.  Depression hung deep around me.

I'm now 50 and writing about the hurts I still have, even though I was horribly ill and couldn't help it.  I know this teenager will regret giving them up.  But after having been through it.  I can honestly say I should have sent my youngest baby to live with my cousin as well.  I still yearn for my lost youth.  The opportunities I gave up because I was dumb enough to think that getting pregnant and getting out of the house was the plan I had to escape a roaring drunken stepfather.

So, if this teenager is reading this message and you really believe the children will be better off, ignore all the people who said they raised their children on their own, had to walk through 10 miles of snow each way to work and back... etc... etc...

You must do what is best for the children and if you really feel you are not the right person to raise them, search for a legitimate open adoption agency where you can pick the family for these children.  You are doing this to make their lives better.  Yes, it also frees you up to be your age again and you may have to relocate so everyone you know who can't possibly understand why you gave these children up out of love will not be at the grocery store looking down their nose at you.

I'm not a part of my two older children who prefer to remain as my cousin's children.  It took me years to accept this.  But I do.  So I now state I have one child who has three children that love me... the best grandma in the world.  I try not to think about the loss I would have of my grandchildren if I had given up the youngest boy.  Since that's not my reality, why dwell on it?

If this girl needs to talk to someone. I'm there for her.
 
November 7, 2008, 1:32 pm CST

no excuses

you can not give up on your kids period!

 

your child id your responsibility.

 

 

 
November 7, 2008, 1:33 pm CST

oppositional defiant behavior disorder

I have a son that was diagnosed with this disorder at the age of 9. It is very frustrating to try and deal with a child with this disorder. My son has spent time in prison and and is still struggling with trying to live a normal life. I don't think he knows what normal is like. I have put my son into treatment many times in his youth but to no avail. I have cried many tears over this child and to this day I still do so. He at this time is  sitting in jail on issues of alcohol and drug use. He is going into a treatment program soon and I diligently pray for a miracle.Dealing with a child with this disorder is a never ending battle. Many times I questioned how could this be my child and many times I didn't want him to be mine. But he is mine and I stand by him through it all. Beverly
                                                                                      Marksville, La.
 
November 7, 2008, 1:39 pm CST

abandoment issues

 

 

I feel sorry for the young mother wanting to give her children away.  She had courage to come on the show and admit this feeling.  She for the most part seemed to be doing a pretty good job of caring for her children. I hope that she will get some help.  Unfortunately she is representative of many young mothers that find themselves in the same situation with the same feelings. I hope that seeing her will help some of the other young mothers.

 

The young woman that had the baby and stabbed her is also representative of many other teens. Their parents do not notice that they are pregnant and they have the child alone in the bathroom etc. I know of one girl of 14 years old, had the baby, claimed the baby was dead, wrapped him in a towel and hid him in the closet.  After a few months, someone noticed a bad smell and found the child.  Because the mother was so young, nothing was done.  This happens more often than most people know about.

 

 

 
November 7, 2008, 1:56 pm CST

DR.PHIL IS WRONG

The girl that wanted to abandon her two little girls JUST NEEDS HELP. where is her mom where are her friends and family..everyone needs a little fun and having kids takes that away she need to have help that maybe an all time babysitter DR. PHIL went at this all wrong.
 
November 7, 2008, 1:57 pm CST

talk about rejection....jezz louise

I was adopted from a home in Ft Worth, Texas in September of 1954.  My adoptive parents had been married for 10 years, had a rocky marriage and had adopted two other children prior to me.  My 'brother', two years older, and my 'sister' they had taken in 6 months prior to me.  She had congenitive heart failure, so I was the replacement.  I knew from a very young age, as young as I can remember, that I was adopted.  My parents divorced when I was 3.  Mom, my brother and I moved to San Antonio, 250 miles away from my dad.  He remarried and had two 'real' sons.  Mom was a raging alcholic who was extremely abusive, more so to me than my brother.  It was a 'mommy dearest' type of youth for me.  Finally, when I was 12, she called my father, and said, right in front of me "come get this bitch, I can't stand her anymore'.

So, my stepmother came and got me.  Mom joined AA right after that an met my step dad who was the greatest guy in the world.  My dad and step mom were also alcholics.  My older brother had already gone to live with dad a year or so before me.  They sent him off to boarding school.  I lasted a year and a half before being sent away.  Finally, when I was a junior in high school, I got kicked out of the boarding school "on purpose" and went home to finish school.  Fast forward to around my 33rd birthday, my adoptive mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.  She survived until June of 88.  A week after that, a lady that ran a support group for the adoption triad in Irving Texas called and said we had a new judge in our court.  So close to the end of my mother's death, I just wasn't ready to go fight the court to open my adoption records.  Six months later I did, and the judge opened them.  Within a week, I had my birthmother's name and phone number.  It took several days to get up the nerve to call, but once I did we talked for hours.  She had never told anyone she was pregnant.  She had remarried, and like many other birthmothers, could never get pregnant, so they adopted a son.  So, our relationship, since 1989 as been kept a secret from her family and friends.  Her husband passed away a few years ago, and that's opened the door for me to go visit her once a year, usually on my birthday.  It's rather weird having her son, me and her all sitting at the table eating, and all he thinks is I'm a friend of hers.  It's her secret to keep, but I still feel the rejection.

Let's recap....

Rejected at birth

Rejected by adoptive mother

Rejected by adoptive father

Rejected by my daughter (another long story)

Rejected by my birthmother over and over again.

Rejected by my adoptive grandparents (their wills stated that only children born by blood were intitlled)

the list goes on with a couple of suicides and two grandchildren I've never met.

Do I have self esteem problems?  I've been in broadcasting for 37 years until laid off last year and actually, I feel pretty good about how I've turned out in spite of it all, but I am tired.  I feel like I have all this in my life for a reason and would love to have a mentor that could teach me how to help others that have gone through similar experiences. 

If anyone is still reading, thank you.  If not....rejection again...damn! ;)

 
November 7, 2008, 1:58 pm CST

MOTHER WANTING TO GIVE UP 2 CHILDREN

DEAR DR.PHIL

I AM A MOTHER OF 5 AND HAVE DAYCARE IN MY HOME~~ I THINK THIS GIRL SHOULD GIVE UP HER CHILDREN BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS~~ I WOULD LOVE TO ADOPT THOSE GIRLS~~ THERE ARE SO MANY COUPLES THAT CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN~~ I HONESTLY HOPE THAT SHE GIVES THEM UP AND SOMEONE WOULD ADOPT THOSE GIRLS AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY NEED~~ I DONT BELEIVE THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE IN THERE LIVES BECAUSE SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM~~ HAVE HER CALL ME I WOULD TAKE THOSE GIRLS AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY NEED~~~ I AM SUCH A LOVING MOM AND HATE SEEING PARENTS THAT DO NOT WANT TO BE PARENTS~~

 
November 7, 2008, 2:00 pm CST

Child abondment

If that girl wants to give her girls up for adoption...I would love to take them...There are plenty of couples such as me and my husband who cannot have children who can give them a loving patient home...And if people don't like what I am saying sorry but I am not the only one who thinks this...Right now I am the only one who has decided to voice my opinion.

 
November 7, 2008, 2:01 pm CST

to the mother that wants to give her kids away

i hope that melissa will find some help with her kids and her life they are very precious i would hate to see the state or anyone else come in and take her kids, can her parents not help her in anyway. i know they may of not raised her to be that way and i know raising two babies can be overwhelming . please seek help so that you may keep your kids they need their mother more than you know i know i have three kids and am single and yeah im older but still i struggle everyday having to work pay bills and take care of my kids its so hard but lift my head up and keep going everyday.

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Next | Last