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Topic : 06/09 Love Triangle

Number of Replies: 180
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Created on : Thursday, November 13, 2008, 11:37:10 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/17/08) A new study shows that in America, as many as one in five men is having an extramarital affair, and that 15 percent of women are cheating too. Is your spouse being unfaithful? Jessica says she caught her husband of two-and-a-half years, Ryan, having an affair with his ex-wife, April, whom she thought was her friend. Ryan admits to having a one-time-only rendezvous with April, but April says it occurred closer to 60 times. Who's telling the truth? Jessica fears her husband and April are still keeping secrets from her. Because Ryan and April share custody of a son, Jessica laid down specific rules for when they interact. Are these stipulations keeping Ryan's behavior in check? After Dr. Phil sends Ryan backstage to have a private conversation with his wife, does he admit to more than the one-night fling with April? Will Jessica decide to rebuild the bond with her husband or cut him loose? Then, Daniel admitted to his wife, Karen, that he had an emotional affair with a woman he met online. Only days before coming to the show, he confessed that the affair was sexual. He says he's sorry and wants to put his family back together, but will Karen take him back? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 16, 2008, 8:32 pm CST

Not me!

Quote From: aptate4

OMG!! What is wrong with you people?! The husband in this "family" should have thought about his"family" before he stepped outside the boundires of marriage!! Forgive him?! Are you kidding me?! This "Ryan" truly has the incorrect picture or thought of what a husband is! If you love someone, you don't do dirty deeds behind your spouses back! I don't care if he wants to make it all right with the world at this point in the game. As far as I am concerned, the game is OVER! My rule of thumb has always been and will continue to be, if you are not happy with someone at least have the guts to tell them to their face before you start your outside play! This world is seriously going to hell in a hand basket! When will these men learn to grow a pair and just be honest.? Honest with themselves and with the person they have devoted the rest of their lives too.  You can't have your cake and eat it too!!
I hope you aren't including me in this tirade. I happen to agree with you about this husband. If you have read any of my earlier postings here, you would see that I feel it is not only wrong to the wife, but to the children also. When I say that marriages can survive an affair, I'm not talking about one where the husband is sleeping with his ex. They had their chance and blew it, he's moved on. So what in the hell are they doing in bed together?If they got a divorce already, then why are they suddenly looking so attractive to each other now? I have addressed two separate situations in my postings, please don't confuse the two.
 
November 16, 2008, 8:38 pm CST

Oh yes, the strippers!

Quote From: rebel56601

I was married to a guy for 3 years and with him for 5 years. The first time that i found about at the end of the divorce was a one night stand with the stripper at his bacholor party, come to find out they have dated in the past and he says for years that she was just close to his family thats why she was around. The other affairs were between the first threw the three years we were together come to find out there were over 35 woman he was with, to make matters worse he's a dealer and does drugs. The court gave him half custody don't ask me why!! It has ruined most of my life but i'm now dealing with the pain and crap that he put me threw. since i kicked him out he is still the same with his new wife. I've got a man that i can't belive i found one that won't cheat on me and i don't have to have any doughs that he ever will.
I have this on good authority that most men have sex with the stripper on the night before their bachelor party. Actually, many of the men at the party have sex with the women there. Even though I trust my husband he would never be allowed to attend one. Luckily he doesn't want to! They are truly disgusting! I know of one man in particular (this is a true story) who gave and received oral sex in front of all of the men there at the party. Then they had sex somewhere else, probably his car or a back room. No way would my husband be allowed to even watch the depravity that goes on at one of these parties, ever!
 
November 16, 2008, 9:09 pm CST

My sad story

Quote From: live2love

It amazes me about women...how one woman can do this to another woman...and do this to a family. Does anyone ever think ...what will happen to the kids.

For the past year and half I have been dealing with the two affairs my husband had with younger women.

Both women were employees when they began the affairs and the total time involved was five years.

My husband of 39 years used our home that we raised our children in to consumate these affairs.

They happened while I was out of town visiting our children and grandchildren.  Some of the times were when I was at a funeral for my oldest sister and while our baby grandson was having surgery for kidney problems that happened in utero.  The last woman left a piece of clothing in my laundry because she wasn't satisfied with the level of their affair and needed more.  My husband lied about a one time stand in a hotel room on a trip we had just been on.  It took four months and the diagnosis of cancer to get all of the truth out of him.  I still struggle with the twin demons of betrayal and illness.  We are still together and he says he wants our life together and wishes that he could do everything over again.  I worked with and befriended both of these women.  One was married and our oldest daughter's age.  I treated both with consideration and kindness and both came to my home and propositioned him.  I in no way  think he has no fault , because ultimately he made the choice to break our marriage vows, but I also know without the boldness of these younger women he would have been faithful.

 
November 16, 2008, 11:19 pm CST

11/17 Love Triangle

Quote From: jewelsf

I was speaking of having to put on tight reigns after a spouse has had an affair with his/her ex. If they've had an affair, of course the wife is going to keep a close eye on the husband, if she trusted him after he did that to her, she would have to be a fool!

Unfortunately, once one has to keep tight reigns and a close eye on another, the point is moot, the trust has evaporated by then. A lot of men will claim an emotional affair, but eventually it comes out that it was an affair in the true sense of the word. Most men don't have enough backbone to look their wives in the eyes and admit to an affair, so they play the emotional affair...it's less hurtful and damaging than being totally truthful. And most women prefer to believe this in order to lessen the hurt...they tell themselves 'well, at least he didn't sleep with her' but eventually the real truth comes out. Men, married or not, don't 'pursue' a woman in order to beg her for stimulating conversation...they're after more than that...

 
November 16, 2008, 11:52 pm CST

Finally!

Quote From: picotkat

For the past year and half I have been dealing with the two affairs my husband had with younger women.

Both women were employees when they began the affairs and the total time involved was five years.

My husband of 39 years used our home that we raised our children in to consumate these affairs.

They happened while I was out of town visiting our children and grandchildren.  Some of the times were when I was at a funeral for my oldest sister and while our baby grandson was having surgery for kidney problems that happened in utero.  The last woman left a piece of clothing in my laundry because she wasn't satisfied with the level of their affair and needed more.  My husband lied about a one time stand in a hotel room on a trip we had just been on.  It took four months and the diagnosis of cancer to get all of the truth out of him.  I still struggle with the twin demons of betrayal and illness.  We are still together and he says he wants our life together and wishes that he could do everything over again.  I worked with and befriended both of these women.  One was married and our oldest daughter's age.  I treated both with consideration and kindness and both came to my home and propositioned him.  I in no way  think he has no fault , because ultimately he made the choice to break our marriage vows, but I also know without the boldness of these younger women he would have been faithful.

  Another woman who believes as I and some of my friends do! Not all affairs start by the other woman pursuing it first, but many, many women do in fact set out on a campaign to "get" a man that they want. Does this excuse the man from his inability to say no? Of course not! But it does show that there are women out there who do indeed set out to break up a marriage. The clothing left behind in this very sad story is proof of that. Leaving something behind is a classic move when the other woman wants to make sure she leaves her mark on the place and that the wife finds out. Usually it's an earring, but clothing? She actually had some compelling need to do her laundry while she was there?

  So to everyone who says that the other woman has no responsibility in an affair, I have to say that I believe you are just plain wrong. They have an option to say "No" but choose not to. This also goes for the other man who is having an affair with a married woman. Another thing that I feel is incorrect, a marriage is not always in trouble for an affair to happen. Sometimes they actually manage to happen when there is still a good relationship between the married couple. Do I believe this for every situation? Of course not. Yes, many marriages are in trouble when an affair does happen.

  This is the way that I feel about it. If you are married and want to continue to date and see other people, then get a divorce first. There is something intrinsically wrong with dating while you have a unknowing spouse waiting for you at home. The married cheater should know that "dating" is not allowed, and the other woman/man should also know that it is not right to date a married man/woman. How much more simplistic can it get? Jeez, at least wait until you have moved outside of the family home!

  Unfortunately the story above is a common one, one that I've heard of over and over. To contaminate the sacred marriage bed is unforgivable. To allow another woman/man into your spouses home to look through their things, rifle through clothing, etc. is like being raped. It's bad enough to think that your spouse has told this other person many of the intimate details about you, which is common, and to put the spouse down to the other, which BTW, would make the other person feel superior to the spouse, it's sickening. Allowing another into your home to me is the biggest betrayal of all.

  So in a nutshell I admit that it angers me when people say it's a problem between the married couple and that the other man/woman has no responsibility in anything. It also angers me that someone has said, under a another topic, that it's the wife's fault if her husband has cheated. That she was supposed to have done more for him, be better in bed, have more sex, etc.. That was a really pathetic statement! Not every situation is always black and white, some of them have a great deal of gray in there.

 

To the woman who told this very sad story above, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I do have to wonder though how you have been able to put up with this behavior for so long. I wish you the best.

 
November 17, 2008, 7:00 am CST

it happens when you want it to

Quote From: picotkat

For the past year and half I have been dealing with the two affairs my husband had with younger women.

Both women were employees when they began the affairs and the total time involved was five years.

My husband of 39 years used our home that we raised our children in to consumate these affairs.

They happened while I was out of town visiting our children and grandchildren.  Some of the times were when I was at a funeral for my oldest sister and while our baby grandson was having surgery for kidney problems that happened in utero.  The last woman left a piece of clothing in my laundry because she wasn't satisfied with the level of their affair and needed more.  My husband lied about a one time stand in a hotel room on a trip we had just been on.  It took four months and the diagnosis of cancer to get all of the truth out of him.  I still struggle with the twin demons of betrayal and illness.  We are still together and he says he wants our life together and wishes that he could do everything over again.  I worked with and befriended both of these women.  One was married and our oldest daughter's age.  I treated both with consideration and kindness and both came to my home and propositioned him.  I in no way  think he has no fault , because ultimately he made the choice to break our marriage vows, but I also know without the boldness of these younger women he would have been faithful.

Poor man, seduced by the wiles of evil women. It would not have happened if your husband had not been weak and broken his vows . . .  repeatedly. I fail to see why people keep insisting it is up to a third party to respect your marriage vows when the one that made them cannot. It is his fault completely. My guess is blaming the other woman somehow mitigates the blame of the spouse thus making it easier to keep a marriage intact. Your husband knowingly and willfully hurt you over and over. If you can forgive him then do so and fix your marriage. If you cannot, then move on. Sitting and stewing about it is not good for your health, and that is what is most important. I wish you health and peace of mind.
 
November 17, 2008, 7:09 am CST

Once a cheater always a cheater

About a 1 1/2 years ago, I finally walked away from a man named Daniel. My name is Karen and I was very uneasy when I read this part of the love triangle story. First of all the story was too close to home and I couldn't believe that two people with the same name would have a similar story. My life started falling apart in 2001 when I believed a man who never stopped cheating. I would catch him in internet relationships, flirting with women at our local watering holes, and even caught him with one of my friends, (ex-friend). When a time in my life came that I really needed him, because I got hurt on the job, he decided that was a good time to explore more options. I could on and on. But the bottom line is this, he lied to me about the internet relationship and all the other relationships he was having. The worse part was when I found out he had a prior existing marriage in the state of California and therefore, our marriage didn't exist. I got an annulment, lost my job, my home, my credit, and just about my mind. But, he never broke my spirit. I have a new journey in my life. So, dumped the jerk, it will be hard to trust someone that lies to you. I believe if there is no trust, there is no true love. I would walk away and never look back.

Signed

Starting Over

 
November 17, 2008, 8:37 am CST

11/17 Love Triangle

If you truly love your spouse, you will forgive their indiscretions and mistakes. You will allow them to take full responsibility for the mistakes they have made. You will admit whatever contribution you have made to the problem and then let it go. People make all sorts of mistakes, and forgiveness is a huge part of love. If your spouse continues to hurt you, they do not love you, and that in itself should resolve the problem. It is really very simple; being in love in a vacuum is impossible. Life is too short to be unhappy. Every time you obsess, rage, or fight you are affecting your health in a very negative way. I understand that a certain amount of that is very cathartic, but too much is egocentric and unhealthy.

 My husband is Australian and very attractive, and women are always making plays for him. The woman that filled out our marriage certificate made play for him. Apparently she does that a lot. The man that married us said, “oh, you had Paula, did she make a play for your man?”  I said, “yes, she did.” My husband said, “no,” and looked confused. The point being he did not even notice her. The Reverend and I had a good laugh. It happens a lot. My husband’s looks get him noticed and when he opens his mouth with that Aussie accent women just lose their minds. I do not blame them.  He makes my knees weak too. The point is he never notices them. His eyes never stray, he is never inappropriate, and is oblivious to the invitations. I will point it out to him sometimes because some women are very funny. He always just shrugs, and dismisses it. People will always make invitations, it is up to you to notice and accept, or be happy with what you have.
 
November 17, 2008, 9:50 am CST

WOW

Quote From: kalyons

About a 1 1/2 years ago, I finally walked away from a man named Daniel. My name is Karen and I was very uneasy when I read this part of the love triangle story. First of all the story was too close to home and I couldn't believe that two people with the same name would have a similar story. My life started falling apart in 2001 when I believed a man who never stopped cheating. I would catch him in internet relationships, flirting with women at our local watering holes, and even caught him with one of my friends, (ex-friend). When a time in my life came that I really needed him, because I got hurt on the job, he decided that was a good time to explore more options. I could on and on. But the bottom line is this, he lied to me about the internet relationship and all the other relationships he was having. The worse part was when I found out he had a prior existing marriage in the state of California and therefore, our marriage didn't exist. I got an annulment, lost my job, my home, my credit, and just about my mind. But, he never broke my spirit. I have a new journey in my life. So, dumped the jerk, it will be hard to trust someone that lies to you. I believe if there is no trust, there is no true love. I would walk away and never look back.

Signed

Starting Over

I CANT BELIEVE WE SHARE ALMOST THE SAME STORY AND NAMES....IM COMPLETLEY LOST AND IM NOT SURE IF I CAN MOVE FOWARD OR IF DANIEL CAN  EVEN CHANGE..I TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME BUT I ALSO FIND OUT NEW INFORMATION JUST ABOUT EVERYDAY TOO... I HAVE LOST MY SPIRIT AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO...HOW DO YOU MOVE ON?? WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN TOGETHER....THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FEELS DIFFERENT TO ME IN EVERYWAY..ITS JUST NOT THE SAME ANYMORE SINCE HE HAS SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE... IM SOOO CONFUSSED
 
November 17, 2008, 10:43 am CST

11/17 Love Triangle

Quote From: jewelsf

I was speaking of having to put on tight reigns after a spouse has had an affair with his/her ex. If they've had an affair, of course the wife is going to keep a close eye on the husband, if she trusted him after he did that to her, she would have to be a fool!

Hey, Jewels....it's Cndrlla....I left you a response this morning to your last post yesterday. If you go to yesterday's message board you will find it at the top.

 

Thanks, by the way, for defending me, (even before my apology was posted).   Like I said: never my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I know I can be blunt, but that's just my common sense nature to tell it like it is!

 

Anyway, have a great day......

 

Onward....! 

 
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