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Topic : 11/20 Spouses at War

Number of Replies: 76
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, November 14, 2008, 03:18:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
From the outside they appear to be a perfect couple – successful, affluent and respected in the community. But behind closed doors, Jake and Donna’s knock-down, drag-out fights are driving them to the brink of divorce. Donna says that Jake’s abusive temper ranges from terrible verbal insults, to threatening to push her over a second-story railing, to waving a gun around! Though his apologies come with elaborate gifts, Donna says she just wants the abuse to end. Meanwhile, Jake says Donna is controlling, in the marriage for the money and cold to their adopted 7-year-old daughters.  What does the rest of the family think? You may be surprised by what Jake’s stepdaughter has to say. See how this couple’s constant power struggle is crippling their 20-year marriage. Can they cease their battle for control and rebuild their union,or will they both walk away losers? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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November 14, 2008, 4:40 pm CST

Doctor Phil Show.

At Doctor Four Get Part Phil Spouses War. Is It real or it just seening thing that is the question? None. Oh--

well that will be it. See you on Thursday November 20th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.----------

 
November 15, 2008, 12:52 am CST

SHE SHOULD LEAVE

From what I've read about this show and the things he does if this woman

stays because (she loves him)  she'll end up dead.

This guy is sick Dr. Phil one of those I'm sorry sure til the next time.Those

kind are NEVER sorry just sick and dangerous and my advice to her is

get out while you can please for your sake and if you have kids get them

out of there.

 
November 15, 2008, 7:14 am CST

Homefront Wars

   "You guys have an ideal marriage"....

Well, not quite. 

In public, I won't speak ill of him.  We all have our flaws.  At home, he lays all responsibilities and decisions on my shoulders.  In front of others, I am expected to follow his lead. 

I don't find that.  Actually, it's a tremendous relief!  Only, why doesn't he do more of that at home?

For the past 40 years, he's squeezed my brain dry!  If I fail to utilize my brainpower, often times, (more often than not) I'm the one to suffer the consequences. 

I know we teach people how to treat us, but I also know you can't change another person.

   Did I mention that recently, when I was in a car wreck, he did ALL the housekeeping?  All, except iron.

He did it without being asked, not for a day, or a week--but for an entire 9 month.

    I guess you could say that I've spent a lifetime with the man most women spend a lifetime looking for.

But the battles are incessant.

Why is war unending?

 
November 15, 2008, 7:26 am CST

She should leave him?

Quote From: sunset1221

From what I've read about this show and the things he does if this woman

stays because (she loves him)  she'll end up dead.

This guy is sick Dr. Phil one of those I'm sorry sure til the next time.Those

kind are NEVER sorry just sick and dangerous and my advice to her is

get out while you can please for your sake and if you have kids get them

out of there.

   I've done volunteer work for years at the local women's shelter.   At first, I could not believe this, but the success rate of ending spousal abuse with court-mandated training is 60%.  That's better than half!

   I don't know if you're aware of the survival challenges in this economy, but if one has the opportunity to fix a problem, why create a bigger one? 

 

 
November 17, 2008, 7:46 am CST

11/20 Spouses at War

Get this mans thyroid checked. It seems that all the bickering is usually tied up within. Good Luck. Don't settle for this one more day and always ask,"What is my part in creating this madness'? It usually does come from within. I pray no one is physically hurt. As a single one I think how blessed and lucky people are who have mates to share their lives with and every day I am reminded what a blessing it is to know and honor my aloneness.
 
November 20, 2008, 5:46 am CST

Marriage Cracks

I can identify with this couple as I have had experience of this in the past.  They both need to decide how important the relationship is and if it is worth staying.  I can understand why women stay in abusive relationship and it really is not easy to get out, but when there are kids involved you need to make a stand. You are not the only one who is going to suffer, the poor kids are the ones stuck in the middle.  And your kids are more important than any man ( or women).  At the end of the day, you must do what makes you happy and you need to decide to cut negative people out  of your life. You afterall only get one life, no dress rehearsal.
 
November 20, 2008, 6:49 am CST

'man up'

Okay..shed your tears..feel your pain..get your anger out and for God's sake BE A PARENT!!

All I'm hearing from this woman says is ..me me me me me..

I'd make a terrible counselor because I am so sick of people swimming and staying all tangled up in their victimization.

We all have our own personal sob stories (some worse than others). Once we make the CHOICE to get married and/or have kids it's time to get over the victim attitude and GROW UP!

Lady if you don't like your life DEAL WITH IT and quit punishing those kids for your own shortcomings and poor choices.


 
November 20, 2008, 7:46 am CST

DONNA NEEDS TO CHANGE...

DONNA IS REAPING THE AFFECTS OF A HUSBAND SHE HAS OPPRESSED FOR SO MANY YEARS.  ORANGE COUNTY WIFES...ARE POOR ROLE-MODELS.  DONNA IS NOT ACTING LIKE A "MOTHER".  SHE ONLY CONCERNS HERSELF WITH "HERSELF", AND NEITHER ARE HER CHILDREN OR HER HUSBAND IMPORTANT.  IT IS VERY SAD THE WAY SHE IS ABUSING THESE TWINS.  YOU DON'T ADOPT KIDS, ONLY TO NEGLECT THEM LIKE THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS DID.  PATHETIC.  STOP FOCUSING ON 'MONEY', YOUR CONTROLING BEHAVIOR.  YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING IN THE END.  IT IS COMPLETELY SHAMEFUL FOR THIS WOMAN TO NOT WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME, BUT ALSO NOT WORK 'INSIDE' THE HOME EITHER.  HIGH MAINTENANCE, MATERIALISTIC WOMEN ARE CLUELESS IN LIFE!!  STOP ACTING LIKE THE 'BITCH' YOU WERE TOLD YOU WERE.  TODAY IS A NEW DAY TO START OVER YOUR LIFE.  LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE IT...WITH 'THINGS' AND NOT FOCUS ON LOVED ONES.  YOUR KIDS NEED YOU.  LET THE 'NANNY' GO...YOU HAVE TO START MOTHERING AND BE A WIFE, AND NOT CHECK OUT EMOTIONALLY.  I HOPE SHE LISTENS TO HER HUSBAND AND KIDS NEEDS..AND ENDS HER SELFISH WAY.  ALSO, GET THAT GUN OUT OF YOUR HOME!!  THAT IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER...AND CAN END IN TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES.  PLEASE CHANGE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE..YOU HAVE CHILDREN TO PUT FIRST AND FOREMOST.  DONNA'S INTERNAL DIALOGUE NEEDS TO CHANGE.  THIS IS NOT THE HUSBANDS MAIN ISSUES, IT'S DONNA'S.  HIS ANGER IS COMING FROM BEING CONTROLLED AND NOT BEING HEARD OR APPRECIATED.  GOOD LUCK, I PRAY YOU GAIN THE KNOWLEDGE YOU BOTH NEED TO SUCCEED.  ~ANNE from MI

 
November 20, 2008, 9:03 am CST

11/20 Spouses at War

I could relate to this couple a lot, even though I think my own situation was a lot different. Still though the main thing I saw was that once the woman is broken, it takes the man years to realize it. Then he steps up and tries to fix it. HE suddenly feels remorse for breaking his toy... but only when it is all but destroyed.

 

From my POV I had few problems when I got married. I was competent, and capable. My husband was also. He seemed like a nice guy, We'd been friends for years, with no conflicts, but after the wedding his rage issues became apparent, and a power struggle insued. My fault in the situation was a tendency to space out and think about other things when going through routine activities. We'd go shopping and I'd feel bored, because we were looking at things that didn't interest me. He was in a hurry and very engaged in what he wanted from the store. We'd go at break neck speed to the electronics department, and then I'd space out while he looked through the CD's for over an hour. I wasn't interested in that, and so I'd just hover near by absentmindedly looking at sterios or alarm clocks till he was done. I saw nothing wrong with that, but it drove him crazy, cause afterward I would continue to be in my own little world till we got out of the store. It ticked me off that he was spending needed income on JUNK but I rarely said anything I just thought about something else till his spending spree was over. It also annoyed me because he was in such a hurry getting in and out of the store that he was rude to other customers. He'd practically run to the department he wanted to look in. He'd let doors go instead of holding them for the next person. He'd push his way through customers, like he was going to a fire. I was more of a leasurely shopper. I was annoyed, but just took a passive role. He'd get furious with me, when I was the one tolerating his behavior. He'd sense I was mad I guess, or bored, or whatever, and he'd call me stupid and slow for not having my brain actively engaged in his activities. If I hung back to look at something, he'd ask within seconds. Do you want that? Most of the time I didn't know if I wanted it or not. It was something that just caught my eye. IT sounds normal, but we fought every friday about shoping. It would erode into a screaming match, and he would repeatedly insult me calling me stupid, retarded, Eienstine in a sarchastic voice, and etc. Simply because I was zoning from boredom and disgust. In the early years I took up for myself, and ranted right back calling him a selfish self centered... and then the profanitity, and occasinally I would attack him physically which was rediculous because he was twice my size. He's called me stupid, lazy, spacy, and a hypochondriac, when as far as I can tell, I don't complain nearly as much as he does. The difference is my complaints are an excuse, because if I feel well he expects me to pick up after him and wait on him hand and foot.

 

Later after the children I just endured it, and pretty much became what I was accused of. Now I have real blackouts. I CAN'T control my zoning, and I feel awful all the time. I don't have the strength to fight back. I don't have the strength to clean my home, which he feels free to pile up with his stuff.

 

A few years ago, after he threatened to leave, and I just responded that he knew where the door was, He got a grip on his rage. He really started working on it. I feel like there was a role reversal. He's a great husband. He still buys too much junk and fills up my house with mess, but at least he is nice about it, and he makes more money so I get a LITTLE to run the house with. He's stopped bullying me, and cussing me out. He is still a little intimidating but nothing like in the past. He has never hit me, but he's git in my face and screamed at me till I've hit him a couple of times. All that has stopped now, but I have major problems.

 

I am learning to be able to ask for things I need, but it isnt' easy, and the moment I feel his anger at me for saying I'm needing more money or telling him the car is giving trouble, it is all I can do to press on, and get what I absolutely need. I have trouble with my energy levels, and in some ways I feel that I am paralized with irrational fear of failure, because I know if I make a mistake he will lord it over me. I don't have any confidence in my own abilities any more, I feel exhausted, and as I said I have had blackouts for the past 12 years. I don't do anything wierd during that time, I just don't remember it. I can't remember things he's told me and that irritates him a lot.

 

Now if someone was to come in, that didn't know our history, I'd look really bad. I don't do a lot. I can't. I try but I can't make myself do stuff like I used to. It takes a major effort to dress and go to the store. I have trouble making myself do household chores, and quite honestly it would take four strong men a week to clean my house as it is now, and even then they wouldn't be able to make it look nice because of all the excess stuff he buys. It is nice stuff but we can't walk for it. I stay behind on my chores and I am not strong enough to do them anymore. I get exhausted after a half of hour of moderate actiivity especially here in the house. I get so tired I can barely function. I have had spells of this for about 12 years, it gets better and worse but I am not high energy. I never was extremely energetic, but this is rediculous.

 

I admit I have shut down a lot, and even though he is being a lot nicer, I still have these problems. It isn't that I dwell on the past, or think about it consciously, and I love my husband now... I admit that when he was screaming at me, I really didn't. I had gotten to the point I didn't care, but now I love him, and I see him trying. I am proud of him, but I am too warped to really enjoy it. He still isn't perfect. He still buys junk at an insane rate. He still expects me to guard his emotions, and not spring stuff on him suddenly. He wants me to handle as much as possible before he even gets involved. He isn't what I'[d call supportive, but he is at least civil, and I sense that he loves me... but I can't get a grip now.

 
November 20, 2008, 10:04 am CST

Dear "Freakycat125"

Quote From: freakycat125

I could relate to this couple a lot, even though I think my own situation was a lot different. Still though the main thing I saw was that once the woman is broken, it takes the man years to realize it. Then he steps up and tries to fix it. HE suddenly feels remorse for breaking his toy... but only when it is all but destroyed.

 

From my POV I had few problems when I got married. I was competent, and capable. My husband was also. He seemed like a nice guy, We'd been friends for years, with no conflicts, but after the wedding his rage issues became apparent, and a power struggle insued. My fault in the situation was a tendency to space out and think about other things when going through routine activities. We'd go shopping and I'd feel bored, because we were looking at things that didn't interest me. He was in a hurry and very engaged in what he wanted from the store. We'd go at break neck speed to the electronics department, and then I'd space out while he looked through the CD's for over an hour. I wasn't interested in that, and so I'd just hover near by absentmindedly looking at sterios or alarm clocks till he was done. I saw nothing wrong with that, but it drove him crazy, cause afterward I would continue to be in my own little world till we got out of the store. It ticked me off that he was spending needed income on JUNK but I rarely said anything I just thought about something else till his spending spree was over. It also annoyed me because he was in such a hurry getting in and out of the store that he was rude to other customers. He'd practically run to the department he wanted to look in. He'd let doors go instead of holding them for the next person. He'd push his way through customers, like he was going to a fire. I was more of a leasurely shopper. I was annoyed, but just took a passive role. He'd get furious with me, when I was the one tolerating his behavior. He'd sense I was mad I guess, or bored, or whatever, and he'd call me stupid and slow for not having my brain actively engaged in his activities. If I hung back to look at something, he'd ask within seconds. Do you want that? Most of the time I didn't know if I wanted it or not. It was something that just caught my eye. IT sounds normal, but we fought every friday about shoping. It would erode into a screaming match, and he would repeatedly insult me calling me stupid, retarded, Eienstine in a sarchastic voice, and etc. Simply because I was zoning from boredom and disgust. In the early years I took up for myself, and ranted right back calling him a selfish self centered... and then the profanitity, and occasinally I would attack him physically which was rediculous because he was twice my size. He's called me stupid, lazy, spacy, and a hypochondriac, when as far as I can tell, I don't complain nearly as much as he does. The difference is my complaints are an excuse, because if I feel well he expects me to pick up after him and wait on him hand and foot.

 

Later after the children I just endured it, and pretty much became what I was accused of. Now I have real blackouts. I CAN'T control my zoning, and I feel awful all the time. I don't have the strength to fight back. I don't have the strength to clean my home, which he feels free to pile up with his stuff.

 

A few years ago, after he threatened to leave, and I just responded that he knew where the door was, He got a grip on his rage. He really started working on it. I feel like there was a role reversal. He's a great husband. He still buys too much junk and fills up my house with mess, but at least he is nice about it, and he makes more money so I get a LITTLE to run the house with. He's stopped bullying me, and cussing me out. He is still a little intimidating but nothing like in the past. He has never hit me, but he's git in my face and screamed at me till I've hit him a couple of times. All that has stopped now, but I have major problems.

 

I am learning to be able to ask for things I need, but it isnt' easy, and the moment I feel his anger at me for saying I'm needing more money or telling him the car is giving trouble, it is all I can do to press on, and get what I absolutely need. I have trouble with my energy levels, and in some ways I feel that I am paralized with irrational fear of failure, because I know if I make a mistake he will lord it over me. I don't have any confidence in my own abilities any more, I feel exhausted, and as I said I have had blackouts for the past 12 years. I don't do anything wierd during that time, I just don't remember it. I can't remember things he's told me and that irritates him a lot.

 

Now if someone was to come in, that didn't know our history, I'd look really bad. I don't do a lot. I can't. I try but I can't make myself do stuff like I used to. It takes a major effort to dress and go to the store. I have trouble making myself do household chores, and quite honestly it would take four strong men a week to clean my house as it is now, and even then they wouldn't be able to make it look nice because of all the excess stuff he buys. It is nice stuff but we can't walk for it. I stay behind on my chores and I am not strong enough to do them anymore. I get exhausted after a half of hour of moderate actiivity especially here in the house. I get so tired I can barely function. I have had spells of this for about 12 years, it gets better and worse but I am not high energy. I never was extremely energetic, but this is rediculous.

 

I admit I have shut down a lot, and even though he is being a lot nicer, I still have these problems. It isn't that I dwell on the past, or think about it consciously, and I love my husband now... I admit that when he was screaming at me, I really didn't. I had gotten to the point I didn't care, but now I love him, and I see him trying. I am proud of him, but I am too warped to really enjoy it. He still isn't perfect. He still buys junk at an insane rate. He still expects me to guard his emotions, and not spring stuff on him suddenly. He wants me to handle as much as possible before he even gets involved. He isn't what I'[d call supportive, but he is at least civil, and I sense that he loves me... but I can't get a grip now.

I'll try to make this short and sweet.  I relate well with what you are going through...as our circimstances are somewhat similar.  You have several issues going on.... do you realize that you are adult A.D.D. ???  (Attention Deficit Disorder)  Your zoning out is a sure sign of that.  Not sure about your blacking out (you should get a brain scan for the black outs as it could be some added seriousness), but you more than likely have ADD.  You bore easily, your brain zones into nothingness, you lack ambition to do activites unless you are put in high stress situations (like family coming over, holidays, etc.)  Often times adults with ADD do not realize they have it, because they are not hyperactive.  ADD is different than ADHD.  As you grow into your 40's depression can show up in your life, because life gets harder and harder to manage.  Your husband being a shopaholic does not help your ADD problem.  Trust me.  He's shopping to feed his own need for something....love, understanding, attention, or excitement in his life.  More things in your home, add up to you feeling overwhelmed to be able to handle or clean it.  Solution...get rid of the stuff.  Simplify your life, and both you and your husband will find more happiness.  I'd suggest for you to go see your doctor about getting medication for your depression/ ADD.  Sarafem (Prozac) can calm your zoning, improve your depression so you can do more things, and stop your mind from racing so much.  I'm no doctor, so find out from your doctor what you should take.  I'm only telling you what has worked for me.  Not being able to accomplish activities to the end is a common problem with ADD sufferers.  Clean out your house, one room at a time (baby steps), have your husband help & your kids (you can't clean it alone), and have your husband confront why he's shopping too much.  Do more fun activities together...go to the park, go bowling, go biking, take walks, go to movies, anything but SHOPPPPP!!!!  Men like to control things, but he's probably frustrated because he can't 'control' your zoning out or your "ditzy" unfocused behavior you have.  Which may upset him more.  Talk about this with him, sit down and make a plan for how to make both your lives more manageable.  My hope is that you actually see this and read it.  I stumbled upon your letter by chance, and it seems fateful that I write to you.  ADD can be draining.  So go get help for it, and life will improve for you.  ADD can NOT be cured without medication/coping skills. Take care, and best of luck to you and your husband.  Communicate to him...it's key.  ~Anne from MI
 
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